He is planning to RUN!

[Liahona]

difficult child 1 called my mom tonight. He is planning on running instead of going to visitation tomorrow. I have no idea what to do. I am so scared.

If someone were trying to force me to go to X's house there would be a melt down that would make the worse difficult child look tame. I do not blame difficult child 1 for this. He told my mom he doesn't think he'll live if he goes on the 4 day visit that starts on Wen. He doesn't think he can keep it a secret that he doesn't want to go. And he can't X interrogates people. You can't keep things from him.

I had been planning on calling the school tomorrow morning. I'm still going to call to make sure the assistant principal knows the history and that he has had behavior problems before every visit. I'm not going to tell them about the running plan.

I have to be very careful with what I say to difficult child 1 about this. I'm not going to tell him my mom told me. I am going to walk him to school and point out the safe places.

I don't know if it'll work. I hope it will. Maybe if he gets a head start before school gets out. If X isn't waiting for him. If difficult child 1 can sneak out un-noticed.

I'm actually hoping my kid skips school.

difficult child 1 is going to learn to drive a car. I'm going to teach him the basics.

And, by lunch time tomorrow I'm going to have that journal Insane mentioned.

Sorry if this is abit dis-jointed. My mind is racing.

 

[Hound dog]

((hugs))

I'd be checking the cut off age for when a child is allowed to decide whether or not they wish to visit the non custodial parent. I know most states it's 12, but a judge may be willing to listen to difficult child at age 11, since he's so close to legal age.

 

[Liahona]

My mom is calling a lawyer first thing in the morning. My lawyer told me they would never listen to him. Maybe because of the mental illness? I don't think difficult child 1 would be as mentally ill as he is without X making it lots worse.

She is also going to ask the lawyer what the ramifications of him running would be. What would police be likely to do? Would the court be more willing to listen to him if they couldn't get him to anyway? Or are they going to blame me for everything.

 

[Liahona]

She is also calling cps tomorrow telling them how scared he is and that he doesn't think he'll live through the 4 day visitation.

 

[susiestar]

I am glad he has told your mom this. in my opinion it is time to get YOU to a DV center to get some ideas for ways to help him. Poor guy has to be flat out terrified. From the way x has escalated, difficult child's fears may be VERY rational.

I don't know how it works there, but here if a child is ready to talk they have special people who will do an emergency evaluation - an interview done by someone specially trained to NOT lead the child. It can usually be done same day or early the next day with a situation like this.

I wish just running with him was do-able. i really hope your atty can help with this later today.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

 

[keista]

(((((HUGS))))) to both of you.

I know he has a hard time telling ppl and it's huge that he has started. Any chance your mom can counsel him to go straight to the police with his fears? It kinda sounds like CPS is "tired" of this case and won't do much. Maybe it's time for a new organization to hear his distress.

 

[buddy]

I am glad he has told your mom this. in my opinion it is time to get YOU to a DV center to get some ideas for ways to help him. Poor guy has to be flat out terrified. From the way x has escalated, difficult child's fears may be VERY rational.

I don't know how it works there, but here if a child is ready to talk they have special people who will do an emergency evaluation - an interview done by someone specially trained to NOT lead the child. It can usually be done same day or early the next day with a situation like this.

I wish just running with him was do-able. i really hope your atty can help with this later today.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

As I have heard you guys talk about DV centers I am so impressed with that suggestion. It makes sense that they would have ideas. I am wondering too if he can be assigned a CASA worker, even though he is not in state/county care. Their job is to give the child a voice in court, and they carry a lot of weight. I know there is a long waiting list for them, but it is worth a look.

I am sorry for the stress of this on you and mostly on him. I am sure you have tried everything, so forgive my naieve ideas... If it ends up he is forced to go can you (or if you are not supposed to know, then your mom) go thru each fear he has and help him to talk thru some options he would have in each case? Maybe, (you would know if it would just make things worse for him) at the very least it could reduce his anxiety to know there are options other than not living through it. I sure hope he doesn't have to go. No child deserves this. I can't imagine the position you are in with any X being able to claim the other parent is putting ideas in his head etc. In this kind of a case one would think it is obvious a kid can see for himself, the other parent doesn't need to put ideas in his head, it is just the truth. But the way these people mainipulate the system like that...I am so impressed by what you say about having to be so careful and then figuring out a way to still help. The way you describe him is just so scary and you are an amazing survivor. difficult child is truly blessed you and grandma hear his cry for help. I hope the system doesn't let him down. I will say another prayer for him and you. All my love and prayers....Buddy

 

[DaisyFace]

Liahona--

You need to pick him up instead. "Deny Visitation". Make X call the cops. When cops come to your door telling you that you are in violation of a court-ordered visitation - you tell them you have good cause NOT to send him. Request an emergency hearing in family court.

(This is not official legal advice - but this is what other desperate parents have done in similar situations....)

Good luck!

 

[keista]

Along DF's line of thinking, how about if he acts out at all in school today (horrible to say, but hopefully with some violence) you or the school get him to the ER?

 

[BusynMember]

Honestly, if this were my kid, court order or not, he wouldn't go. There has to be a c hild advocate for things like this. Get on the internet, find somebody, call anyone, and get help. But don't send him.

Do you know if he means Dad will kill him or he'll kill himself? If it's suicide, he can go to the hospital and you can work it out while he's there.

 

[TeDo]

BIG ditto to DF's and MWM's advice! Do NOT let him go! I would rather he find out that grandma told me and know that I will go to any length to protect him than to pretend I don't know and send him!

{{{{(((HUGS)))}}}} to you both.

 

[KTMom91]

Don't let him go. This sounds like a major disaster just waiting to happen, and I'd rather deal with the fallout from the cops etc. than know my child was running.

 

[DDD]

Sending very carring and supportive thoughts and prayers your way. Honestly I don't know the answer for such a complex problem. Is there any chance he would feel safer if he had a cell phone with him and could call you or your Mom if he feels endangered?

I've worked with a CASA worker when I was a GAL (Florida's version) volunteer. I'm assuming that CASA has to be court appointed where you live as GAL's have to be in Florida. Hugs. DDD

 

[Liahona]

The problem with difficult child 1 telling anyone about the abuse is when it comes out of his (or my mouth) it sounds like a normal situation that he is blowing out of proportion. It is not until you live in that situation that you understand.

Even my mom believes its not as bad as difficult child 1 thinks it is.

What difficult child 1 means is that X will put him a situation that will get him killed. Remember for the extended visit he is going to an extreme environment.

I'll call the Domestic Violence center today too. Maybe I'll leave the phone number out for difficult child 1.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Do you have the "Kids Help Line" in the US? (we have it here)

Its a 1-800 number that kids can call 24/7... about ANYTHING. Especially stuff like this.
Might be one more avenue of help?

Definitely take an "all of the above" approach... because there's no way of knowing which will be the fastest route to help.

 

[DammitJanet]

I know we have the boystown number that any kid can call to talk about any issue and if they feel its a problem they can do something about it. I think its 1-800-448-3000

 

[Liahona]

Update:

cps says there is not enough to do anything. When asked what would be enough it would have to be very very bad for them to do anything. AND, they only evaluate on a report by report basis. So all the reports do not add up.

School says difficult child 1 is calmer now at school. No, I didn't tell them his plan. I told them he is stressed, thinks he won't live through visitation, and to expect behavior problems.

In this state its age 16 where the court will listen to a child.

Still waiting on several people to call me back.

I can not deny visitation or I might lose custody. Then difficult child 1 would be in a worse situation than he already is.

 

[buddy]

such a stuck place. so the only option may be to help him with self talk to just get through. I like the cell phone idea IF his dad will let him have and use it. If they are out in the boonies then there may be no reception anyway. If he is not gettin his medications then he will have a harder time dealing with any of this, oh my. I hope those folks call you back soon.

 

[Liahona]

Looks like the visitation exchange happened. I didn't get a phone call or angry visit from X.

Still waiting to hear back from nurse and lawyer. Will call again tomorrow. This issue hasn't gone away its just been put off.

 

[buddy]

sigh, time for the serenity prayer.....