Leafy, Your post has hit a cord for me today.
You know Pasa and LBL, as I post here, I reflect on my own situation and what
I need to do to carry on.
I don't want to just survive, I want to thrive.
I see myself in all of these posts, all of these struggles. As much as I write here, I am writing to myself as well, reaffirming that I have traveled this road and done just about everything I could to try and try and try.
Been there, done that.
Made plenty mistakes along the way. But, I have to forgive myself.
It has been a long hard road with many lessons.
What I am learning is to look for signs of change in my two.
Each time they reach into their bag of tricks, it is a message to me that they are continuing as is.
I have my days when my armor is weak and the whole craziness of it gets to me.
We are only human.
What I have learned is that I am not the one to "help" my two.
There are those brave warriors who have been able to get their d c's to rehab, but my two have not been in a place
to even admit they have a problem.
They use and abuse whatever I would have to offer.
I am tired of being bashed, blamed, house broken in to and stolen from.
There is help out there for them, if they so choose.
Each and every time, I fell for the "I want to come home" plea, for a few days there was a glimmer of hope that things would be different, then WHAM, the same old same old set in, and I would feel like such a fool.
I have had to tell them no, several times, and each time, I feel a bit less miserable.
It isn't an easy trail that any of us is on and we are all at different stages, with different circumstances.
One resounding theme is that as long as our d cs are using, they will use us.
What helps me is to keep repeating to myself that for now, drugs have a hold on my two and I shall not let them have a hold on me.
This does not mean that I have given up on them. I have given in to the notion that I have any control or any power over them to make better choices.
I am not their rescuer.
They must rescue themselves, and they do have the power to do so.
I don't want to offend anyone who has differing beliefs, but I have to say that what has been my strength and go to, is prayer. I pray for my two to find their way every day. I gave them over to God, because they were only on loan to me in the first place. Their souls belong to Him. It may seem a cop out, but I see it as a problem that is WAY bigger than me and WAY more than I can handle. It is what has been able to help me carry on, and in times of hardship and hurt helped me find a way through.
Posting here on CD has been an amazing help, as well as receiving the love, kindness and understanding that flows from the awesome warriors here.
We have learned in raising our children, to sacrifice ourselves, our very bodies in carrying them, our time. We have loved them wholeheartedly and completely. We have made mistakes, for sure, there is no perfect parenting.
That is the hard part in all of this, to cut those apron strings and to let go. To not allow our d cs guilt us into feeling that it is by our mistakes that they ended up where they are.
It is their choices that led them to where they are.
My monkeys, but so not my circus.
In my circumstance, to hold on to the notion that I must continue to sacrifice the sanctity of my home, lose my self worth, is to let drugs win.
Drugs are winning with my two right now,
it is repugnant and unacceptable to allow them to win over me.
If I lay down my life in despair and depression, drugs win.
Unacceptable.
If I lose hope that my two shall break free of drugs grasp-
drugs win.
Unacceptable.
If I feel that I cannot attain joy as long as my two remain drugnapped, drugs win.
Unacceptable.
So, I climb the mountain of this, one day at a time, some days, one moment at a time. I trip, slip and falter, but I must get up and keep pushing, keep going.
I am thankful to each and every one of you for your help along the way.
LBL, you have helped me by your honesty in sharing your grief, hardship and courage. I was right where you are, many, many times. Pasa you too.
Guys, all of you have helped me in so many ways.
LBL, you can do this.
We can all do this.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy