He is so angry, I am trying to be understanding...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by buddy, Feb 28, 2012.

  1. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Q has had two days of home bound and he did well with her... I love how organized she is, and the work I have seen from three hours is about what he had done in a month in his other school...sigh. (and he had one on one there too....so it is not that he is now getting one on one)

    They kept saying he woudl not do the work...but he does the work in EVERY other setting...it is just frustrating.

    For the last four-5 days now he is really getting more and more frustrated and I pray he can talk about some of it today in his counseling because he is really using me for his stress release and I am about tired of it. I am at the you are going to lose everything even your clothes and have to go outside naked and cold stage (not really, dont call cps).

    I am angry myself that we have been put in this position. I have sent an email daily to the director and coordinator and still no tours set up. I am just super frustrated with them.

    IF I dont find a way to cope with Q's mood over this, we are going to end up on a bad place. This is not fun and clearly why I should not have any thoughts of home schooling him.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Just a left-curve kind of thought, but...
    If Q is getting THAT much more work done on homebound, maybe the intensity is just a bit too much?
    Maybe 1.5 hours at that pace, every day, is too big a leap from where he has been?
    He should be able to end up there... but not necessarily start there... Know what I mean??
    Can she cut back on some of the academics and work on transitioning?
    30 min per day next two weeks for academics, then 45, etc. - and the rest is... being read to, or getting-to-know-you, or whatever?
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I hear you ...guess I should clarify that it is because of late he got next to nothing done at school. Not that it is an actual huge amount. She has him do 4 things and puts them on cards so he picks the order. He does one math thing. One read aloud. One word game or some type and then a random game or art activity. She had him make up all his adding numbers from NASCAR car #s . He takes two breaks. I will monitor but I really think from what he is saying to Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) and the Occupational Therapist (OT),Speech Language Pathologist (SLP), counselor ....he is obsessing about his school ...how to see the girl who has been his only friend and so he is doing his demanding every single thing he thinks of. I have stopped all hockey watching because he talks about taking me to the boards. He just obsesses abt it. So he is really mad abt that too. He is in with the counselor now ...kicked me softly on his way past. Ugg
  4. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Forgive my forgetfulness - do you have an advocate involved? in my humble opinion, SD is perfectly happy to have him on homebound indefinitely. From their point of view, it's the perfect solution.

    From yours and Q's point of view - he's being denied FAPE in LRE, he is in an unnecessarily restrictive placement for SD convenience (in my humble opinion), and I think you are going to need to start getting really assertive so that this doesn't go on for years, a la Shari and her Wee.

    Especially with- HS years looming - you need to get them to button down his placement and IEP like yesterday. Transition, transition, transition needs to be emphasis - in my humble opinion and with- 20/20 hindsight. Work skills? Life skills? Social skills? What is the plan post HS? Sheltered workshop? Regular type job? And how is he going to get there?

    I know that seems like I'm kinda jumping over what's been going on the last many months in school with- him, but in my limited experience, when you have a kiddo who is not college material, you are going to have to be *really* proactive and incredibly persistent to ensure that there is a meaningful transition plan. For all intents, he's out of middle school now, due to recent events. Since he's going to have a new placement, I would think it might be best for him if it's a *permanent* placement for the next couple of years, rather than having to disrupt him again come next fall. Does that make sense?

    Anyway - you and advocate I think are going to have to get real squeaky to get SD off its posterior and arranging for something more appropriate than homebound.

    Hang in there.
  5. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Oh Buddy. I am so sorry that Q is so angry and frustrated. And, he has every right to be as do you. It just hoovers that he can't verbalize it better. I hope that his counseling helped. What about a horse riding lesson? Does he talk to the horse as he is riding? I know that my difficult child tells her pony things she would never talk to me about. Just a thought. I hope that he gets this out of his system, and settles in to the new routine soon.
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Thanks guys... slsh, you are right on the money. Those are the exact things I have already presented to the sd and yes I have a legal advocate for education from the disability law center. I ended up picking her out of the three choices (I have used the other two int he past) because I knew this time we could actually have to file or at the least do mediation and sure enough it went way beyond that). She just got two more referrals...mind you she works for the entire state of MN and they were both from our SD! So sad because I moved here because up until the last few years this district was actually winning federal and state awards for their work. Something ugly has changed.. .. well we did get a new superintendent. OF course we are all hit by budget cuts. I tried to ask about the open enrollment in nearby districts too and they are all over flowing so open enrollment is closed for this year.

    So as I thought, we need to get through this year and to help minimize transitions because that is what is part of this problem of course..finding a new normal for my heavily routine bound boy..... I proposed his starting at the high school NOW, part time for the functional things they have to offer. Then if he is only half day in the level 4 setting he can get the more direct teaching in a small setting for academics (for him that is jsut reading, math, some science and social studies). THe level 4 setting does have a kitchen and laundry etc. for kids to learn so he could learn anything he needed one on one to learn to apply then in the level 3 setting in the high school. He would not be in gen ed of course there...but would have non behavioral peers to be around for part of the day and also he would have his neighborhood peers who are being so good about being mentors to him (for the most part) and have made him feel part of a group for the first time in his life.

    So, you can come join our team because you are exactly right on what we are trying for and the advocate has already written two letters all teh way to the top, has told them that they are lucky to be dealing with me because she had already advised me to press charges but I want to get Q settled and she told them she is going to still push me to do it (and I will do whatever she advises but I want Q settled first, though I did already turn in the state complaint papers and he was reported to cps).

    She said that they are responding differently than to any other case she has had over the last 20 something years and she knows it is because they know they could be in for a huge problem with this... those pictures are bad and do not support what they are saying in their reports. That psycho wrote his report like a child would. It was amazing.

    I am holding onto my advocates advice to take advantage now because if they are going to agree to things, now will be the time.

    Thanks guys...I have not heard from them, even to confirm/deny a meeting that I had written in my calendar for tomorrow morning...(but I think we changed to next week, needed to make sure though for care for Q) and no info on the proposals that they were going to check into so I could go and visit...like the high school ( i already have seen the level 4 program). I am going to call directly to the special education director tomorrow and if they are all sitting around a table, having driven through and ice storm and complain that those on my side are not there... they can jsut eat it because I have sent two emails over the last two days and left voice messages too.
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    He has it next on Saturday. Last Saturday one of the former volunteers (the sister of the boy the entire ranch/retreat program was designed for/around) came to be with him because he really connected to her. He was so happy but as usual when he gets over excited, over-anything good or bad, he then shoves or hits me. I told him I am over it and no more horse back riding. OF course I dont mean it, I just was sick of it that day and didn't handle it well. So, now he has written me a note saying "sory mom." and of course I accepted his apology, deep sigh. I love this boy so much, but this week has been really hard and I have not been at my best with him.... we have way too much togetherness time.
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    You go for it, Buddy...
    Sending some extra armour polish, some blow-slick (makes blows slide off so they don't hurt so much), and a couple of stink bombs in case you need them...
  9. buddy

    buddy New Member


    OH and I forgot to address the home bound thing, our SD hates it. Had to fight for it so at least we didn't have to put him in a temporary setting that would mean another issue or issues, but I would never put it in an IEP change... it is just a short term accommodation per our doctor note and because they have the history of pressing ed. neglect and were posturing by saying" we stand ready to serve him at his middle school starting Tues (after the incident)... they wanted it on record that I was the one keeping him out of school...so this keeps him technically receiving school until I decide where he will be placed.

    I did pay close attention to those posts and will NOT agree to any reduced school day and yes, it was brought up. They said... what do you think about a reduced school day and I said, well if he is not learning all he needs to learn in the hours he has now I doubt less hours will help him improve (and I am not thinking he will ever "catch up", I just mean to do HIS work). They didn't bring it up again.
  10. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Buddy~ You may want to stop sending emails and send certified letters. They can't deny it was received.
  11. buddy

    buddy New Member

    If it is a legal issue I do, but to confirm a meeting??? I dont think I would get a reply soon enough. I noticed on my calendar a meeting tomorrow and I really thought it was the 6th we decided on... sure enough I have one marked on the 6th, but we had all those prior monthly IEP meetings set up from before so I got confused which one was the new one and which was cancelled...

    When email does not go through the district, you get a message from them saying it didn't go through and I CC to EVERYONE on the team each time...rarely do I send an email to one person, lol... and of course I always CC my legal advocate and our home psychiatric so there are witnesses. any other way to get documentation for an answer you need in one or two days??? I dont have a lot of money so a 7 dollar mail to confirm a meeting?? almost two gallons of gas, sigh. Maybe fax??? I can do that for free here.
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    If your fax machine prints out a transmittal page with each transmission... then in many jurisdictions that transmittal sheet is considered the same as somebody signing for certified mail... it was "signed" by the fax machine. Ask your lawyer...
  13. buddy

    buddy New Member

    yeah it does.. I use our office fax and I always get a confirmation page. Thanks for getting my brain turning. I will still send emails for those quick things but I will for some things. For example... at the end of the last meeting, I was told that the sp ed coordinator would arrange the home bound that will last for a few weeks while we do the investigating and visits for the new placement. the director of sp ed. was to arrange the visits and talk to the people in those places. I have heard nothing from her and that is a big deal. So I will send my usual email so it is cc'd to everyone on the team but I will fax it to the intended person too.
  14. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Buddy - something that occurred to me this morning.

    Q is angry because he's not in school, right? Does he understand that because of staff's actions, it's not safe for him to be in school?

    I wonder if it would be a useful outlet for *him* to write the sped dir (or whomever) to express his anger. From the standpoint of venting, but also from the standpoint of self-advocacy. They failed to follow IEP/BIP, they failed to protect him, they *hurt* him, and now they are isolating him because of their mistakes. He's being penalized for their behavior.

    I dunno - I could be completely off the wall here, but I was just thinking that Q is the one who is, at the end of the day, suffering the consequences of others' incompetence. (OK, you too ;) but... you know what I mean, LOL.) Even if you end up not sending the letter, would it be possible and/or helpful for him to be able to address the folks who precipitated this whole mess? Maybe help him define more clearly for himself why things are the way they are now?
  15. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I like that idea, I dont know if he can or will do it but it could give him an outlet....He would likely write... mad. mom. hate......on and on.............. but, if it allowed him to vent, I am good with that. (he writes in words and short sentences, nothing like he talks) Yes, he knows that they got too rough and it is not safe for him. But he also knows that he has to work on not touching others and that we have to find a place where people can help him with that issue too.
  16. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    That's a good idea slsh..... dang..... I didn't think of that one!! :(

    Just...... {{{{(((HUGS)))}}}} to you both!!