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He left. What's next for me?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 663808" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>You write eloquently Copa..... how you put your thoughts down is inspiring and moving...........the content, however, is sad.... and familiar....</p><p></p><p>I could have said many of those things you write about a couple of years ago........my "self" was floundering at best, invisible at the worst. The wounds of childhood can leave us so doubting of our value that our value is only found in what we <u>do</u>, in how we take care of......not in who we are......not in "being."</p><p></p><p>My true north is love. However, it wasn't at all clear most of my life because I did not love myself, I put that love out there in my caring for others, where I believed my value was. </p><p></p><p>Being a woman adds to this dilemma, being valued for our mothering, our care taking, our nurturing, our giving........being wounded ups the ante considerably to the realm of downright insanity. We can perfect that false persona to the heights of an academy award level.........but the self just quietly disappears even more. Getting better at giving and caring for and doing is not the answer. Being a martyr, being a rescuer, being a codependent, being a giver who cannot receive.....just lands us in the same empty hole, the same depleted place of non existence. I hear you Copa.</p><p></p><p>I told you how I entered that 2 year codependency program almost 2 years ago now.......I can't put into words now grateful I am for it, it gave me my life......it changed everything, every. single. thing. I was ready to hear what was said to me, I was ready to surrender, I had no more fight in me. I didn't care if I fell apart or broke, I wanted to find out where I had gone, what had become of me. After over 20 years of therapy, I still hadn't found myself. My daughter, bless her, forced me to look for myself......and I did, <em>and I found me....</em>..</p><p></p><p>Every day since then I have been making changes, big and small, and each one has lead me to a very different experience of life and very importantly, of love. Loving oneself shifts all of it around so that all perceptions change and then of course, everything changes. Giving without opening to receiving depletes the life force, it is out of balance. We have to make that right, find the balance point and open our hearts to receive. It sounds simple, and it is, except if you don't know how, then it is impossible. I had to be taught, since I had not learned in childhood that I was loved......I had to accept, I had to let go, I had to be vulnerable, I had to give up control........it was an arduous journey.......worth risking everything for.</p><p></p><p>You, my friend, are in a pivotal, exciting and life changing place right now. Your son walked you to the door, now open it and step inside........you are worthy of that "care", that "gentle devotion".......all of us here can readily see that.....now you will see it too......I am happy to read your post Copa.......</p><p></p><p>Your son has left.......now it's YOUR time, to focus on YOU, to nurture YOU, to give to YOU, to take care of YOU, to love YOU.</p><p></p><p>I like your word devotion......perhaps that is one of the biggest changes for me, I am now devoted to me.......and remarkably, my devotion to others has expanded across the board.......and as that devotion comes back to me....<u>everyone </u>is nourished.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 663808, member: 13542"] You write eloquently Copa..... how you put your thoughts down is inspiring and moving...........the content, however, is sad.... and familiar.... I could have said many of those things you write about a couple of years ago........my "self" was floundering at best, invisible at the worst. The wounds of childhood can leave us so doubting of our value that our value is only found in what we [U]do[/U], in how we take care of......not in who we are......not in "being." My true north is love. However, it wasn't at all clear most of my life because I did not love myself, I put that love out there in my caring for others, where I believed my value was. Being a woman adds to this dilemma, being valued for our mothering, our care taking, our nurturing, our giving........being wounded ups the ante considerably to the realm of downright insanity. We can perfect that false persona to the heights of an academy award level.........but the self just quietly disappears even more. Getting better at giving and caring for and doing is not the answer. Being a martyr, being a rescuer, being a codependent, being a giver who cannot receive.....just lands us in the same empty hole, the same depleted place of non existence. I hear you Copa. I told you how I entered that 2 year codependency program almost 2 years ago now.......I can't put into words now grateful I am for it, it gave me my life......it changed everything, every. single. thing. I was ready to hear what was said to me, I was ready to surrender, I had no more fight in me. I didn't care if I fell apart or broke, I wanted to find out where I had gone, what had become of me. After over 20 years of therapy, I still hadn't found myself. My daughter, bless her, forced me to look for myself......and I did, [I]and I found me....[/I].. Every day since then I have been making changes, big and small, and each one has lead me to a very different experience of life and very importantly, of love. Loving oneself shifts all of it around so that all perceptions change and then of course, everything changes. Giving without opening to receiving depletes the life force, it is out of balance. We have to make that right, find the balance point and open our hearts to receive. It sounds simple, and it is, except if you don't know how, then it is impossible. I had to be taught, since I had not learned in childhood that I was loved......I had to accept, I had to let go, I had to be vulnerable, I had to give up control........it was an arduous journey.......worth risking everything for. You, my friend, are in a pivotal, exciting and life changing place right now. Your son walked you to the door, now open it and step inside........you are worthy of that "care", that "gentle devotion".......all of us here can readily see that.....now you will see it too......I am happy to read your post Copa....... Your son has left.......now it's YOUR time, to focus on YOU, to nurture YOU, to give to YOU, to take care of YOU, to love YOU. I like your word devotion......perhaps that is one of the biggest changes for me, I am now devoted to me.......and remarkably, my devotion to others has expanded across the board.......and as that devotion comes back to me....[U]everyone [/U]is nourished. [/QUOTE]
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