He left!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, Apr 16, 2008.

  1. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Just wanted you to know my son left the rehab or mission where we had bonded him out to. He is probably homeless in the Salvation army. they tell them at 8:00 in the morning to go find a job or they cant stay there. Please pray for him. I never wanted my child to be homeless. It is a horrible feeling. We are thinking of revoking his bond maybe to save his life. He said he didnt need rehab. I just cant believe we are going through this. I fear for him and for my heart.
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Let go and let God! difficult children have a way of bouncing back. Do NOT let him come home. Do NOT send him bus fare. Stop answering the phone. Do NOT call the homeless shelter or talk to anyone to try and help him. Let him sink or swim. You and your husband have done all you can do. I would revoke his bail. Mine is ending his year of probation. He started work on Tuesday. I have told him that if he looses this job for any reason that he has two choices---job corp or a homeless shelter. I know that people don't understand it when I say I was most peaceful when difficult child was in jail. At least then I knew he couldn't self-destruct or harm anyone else.
  3. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Susan, I know this is so distressing. It's hard to know what to do but it seems he made a decision to sabotage himself. He knows if he does the right thing you will be behind him but you can't help him if he continues to make poor choices. As our son's get older we have to be less flexible and hold them accountable. I know how hard it is for me to not want to save,fix,baby my difficult child but he won't do what he should either.

    Hugs. Being a mom of an adult difficult child is definitely not for the faint of heart.
  4. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I agree. I was most at peace when he was in jail. I know it doesnt help to be there. Sometimes I just wonder what is the best to do. I have done so many hard things, against my mother heart, to save his life. I would still revoke his bond to save his life. In fact, my husband is planning on it. How horrible. I just cant believe we are facing this again. It is the saddest thing I can think of. I love him but I cant go through this again. Thanks for giving me encouragement. I just dont think we can let him come home even to do job corp.
  5. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I also feel like we got him out sooner than we should and set him up for failure. How am I supposed to get over this?
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hon, he's a drug addict. He will not quit, no matter how much you love him or how hard you try (and I think you deserve kudos for your efforts) until HE wants to quit. IF he wants to quit. You can't fix him. For a mother, this is a terrifying realization, but he's not a child or teenager anymore and it has to come from him. You wanted to give him one last chance and you did. in my opinion, yes, let him go back to jail. And don't let him play you again. He has advantages others don't have yet he is choosing this and it's NOT your fault in any way.
    I would join N/A and go to meetings every night, if necessary. You will get a lot of support, help, and great advice, plus shoulders to cry on. Once you realize that you are powerless over him and that you didn't cause this, you can maybe let him find his own way out of this mess. Because nobody can safe him but HIM. PLease...go to N/A. (((Hugs)))
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    MIdwest mom is right. He has got to want it, or nothing anyone does is going to help.

    Stay strong.

  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Please stop saying "I just don't think we can let him come back."

    It should not even be a consideration.

    You gave him a chance. HE screwed up, not you. HIM HIM HIM. He doesn't play nice, he goes back where he originally was. I'd let hubby revoke the bond, and take this as a learning lesson.

    Stop answering the phone. Maybe jail is NOT the best place for him, but it is the best of his options RIGHT NOW. It is BETTER than being at your house, because if he is at YOUR HOUSE, he could get into WAY more trouble than he already is. Know what I mean??
  9. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Stands, you and husband did what you thought was right for your son. There is no doubt in my mind that you both thought things were different this time, that your son truly wanted help. Who knows, maybe at the time he was bailed out, he truly did want help and wanted to quit. Sadly, the drugs won out. Quit blaming yourself. You did the best you could and you did what you thought was best for him.

    Now, sadly, it is time to truly stand with courage. You are going to have to let him flounder on his own. This is going to be the most painful, hardest thing you have ever done. However, it may be the only way to save him at this point. He's going to have to hit rock bottom. Right now, he has shelter, albeit not the shelter you ever thought a child of yours would have. It may get much worse and he may end up truly homeless. You're going to have to stand back and let all of this happen. Until he makes an honest effort to get help (not ask you to get the help for him) and then takes the steps necessary to help him with drug addiction, there is nothing you can do.

    If you let him come home, he'll have no reason to quit using. You can (and probably should) revoke his bond but the odds of the authorities making any real effort to find him are slim. So, don't bet that jail is really an option for keeping him safe at the present time. He will call and ask for help, but it won't be the kind of help you want to give. He'll want money. He'll probably even say it is for food and shelter. Odds are it would be used for drugs and alcohol. He is a drug addict. It is up to him to quit.

    For now, for you, many hugs. I'm so sorry you are once again going through this turmoil.
  10. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks everyone. Again if you remember say a prayer for him and me. and my husband - we need all the wisdom we can get.
  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Given wisdom, what will you do?

    Will you help him save himself? You can't.

    Will you save him from your enabling him to avoid things like drug court where he would have been heavily monitored and had certain consequences for misbehavior in favor of a "program" that took him less than one day to go drug seeking at the ER and leave in less than a week? Because you can.

    What will you choose? Given that you have been here several times before, it should be a no brainer.

    Sorry if I sound blunt, but you know my son was in jail, too. My son was in rehab too. I walked away from my son, and after three years he has a job and a place to live that he pays for on his own. It took him that long to burn his bridges. I can't think of many of us on the board with grown children who didn't have kids in jail and/or rehab or who weren't there ourselves when we grew up.

    Look at what everyone else is saying to you. They are saying the same thing I'm saying only they're saying it in a way that won't upset you. Problem is, you never seem to hear them.

    Anyone wants to disagree with the accuracy of what I'm saying should say so.
  12. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Your son has made his choice, Susan.

    Addiction is a terrible thing.

    You are strong enough to see this thing through.

    It isn't going to be easy.

    Love your son, hold faith with your son.

    Accept the choice he has made.

    If he shows up at home, you will need to send him to a shelter. Look them up in your phone book. Post the number and address by the phone, find out when they are open, know in your heart that this is the action you will take. If your son does come home, make him food, let him take a shower if he wants to, and drive him to the shelter.

    Tell him addiction is a terrible thing and that no one can do this for him.

    If he refuses to go, you will have to have the police take him away.

    For us, the confusion which led to weakness had to do with not having a plan of action.

    Develop your action plan, Susan.

    You will feel stronger once you have prepared for that worst outcome.

    You did not do this.

    Your son made his choice.

  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    revoke that bond. You have no way to make sure he gets to his court dates and then it would fall on you. Its not easy but its what you have to do. I have done it.
  14. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    So sorry to see this news, Susan. I know the pain of hopes dashed. Put your son in a Higher Power's hands. There is nothing else you can do for him.

  15. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Just want to say I agree with everyone else--let him find his own way out of this mess, it is the only way. He is not a child anymore, he is 24 yrs old, he is an adult. My dtr lived in homeless shelters at age 18 and 19. She truly values having a home now. She could not "get" it til she had to, on her own. You do not have the power to help him in any real way. As soon as you can really acknowledge your powerlessness you are going to be able to allow him to do whatever it is he is going to do. He has to be able to fall down and get up by himself, there is no other way.
  16. ChefPaula1965

    ChefPaula1965 Oh my aching back!!

    Oh wow Susan.. First of all hugs.. Please know that as a prayer warrior I have added your son to my prayer list. I know from personal experience that this is hard. Knowing our difficult children are homeless is horrible. But Susan, if you continue to rescue him he will continue to not be held accountable. Addiction is one of those things we cannot let go of unless WE make the choice.. (I have been sober almost 15 years and smokeless for 3 years and this one is a daily choice)..
    Our mommy hearts so want to protect and shelter you are in a very tough spot girl.. I don't have many words of wisdom because Andre is in the same situation right now.. and I am left with a hole in my heart the size of Texas.. keep your chin up sweety.
    Also Ela.. I REALY understand the more peace while your child is in jail. It was the same way for us.. No one around us understood.... only people who have been in these situations understand... people really think we are unfit parents to think that way.. It is sad that the world around us has no clue and is so judgemental.....
    Hugs to all
  17. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    My heart breaks reading this. I do agree that he needs to want something different. The others seem to have more experience and have said many good and helpful things. I will pray for your son and for you and your heart as well. I'm very sorry for your distress.
  18. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    My friend, I am so sorry for your hurting. I know how it is to have to keep trying and trying and trying over and over again with a child who never seems to get it. You try because you belive in your mind that if you don't "THIS TIME" was "THE ONE TIME" that would have made a difference. Sadly - it's not. What it is? It's tiring, it wears on us as parents, it makes other parents who have been through the same thing and suffered the hurt and anguish you are - want to shake you until your teeth fall out. NOT because you aren't cared for, but because as humans who feel and care - If we've already been there done that - we try to teach others BEFORE they get hurt, because no one really wants to see anyone hurt. Just like us trying to teach our difficult child's - we TELL them things so that they DON'T get hurt because we're older or wiser - and they don't listen, get hurt and that's the part that exhausts us as parents - and as friends.

    So at what point do you let go? At what point do you stop allowing this person, this child of yours to stop controlling your life? At what point do you say - I'm tired of everyone BEING right about my choices. At what point do you allow yourself the satisfaction of knowing that you have done everything humanly possible to put supports in place to help this child. As a Christian - at what point do you finally admit to yourself that God is greater than this and your continued efforts to help are sabotaging HIS plan for your child?

    All questions I believe most of us here in this forum have asked ourselves at one time or another. You know at one point I looked up the definition of insanity. It means - to do the same action over and over where nothing changes, yet you expect a different result every time. Are you insane? No!! You're a parent who wants things to change so badly you are willing to do things over and over where nothing changes and expect your son to behave differently every time. In other words - YOU are trying - he is NOT.

    If your son were any other person that you knew as a casual acquaintence; would you advise that mother to continue to invite that child back into her home? KNOWING nothing would change because the child hasn't? Would you tell her to keep giving him money, bailing him out? You said yourself as odd as it felt at least when he was in jail - you had peace. You KNEW where he was. I agree wholeheartedly. When Dude was in Department of Juvenile Justice - I knew where he was, I did not like it, but he was not at my house causing more problems and stress for me. Even through his 2 suicide attempts - my mind carried me to a place that said - If he does take his life - there is nothing I can do to prevent it. Frustration to the max, but we are all in control of our own destiny.

    I don't know the conditions of the bond or how much you paid to get him out. I think you know that if he doesnt' show up for court - your are out your money. If he doesn't call the bonding agent and report in - you will loose your money. If that's a financial loss you can live with - let it go. Eventually he will be caught, and he WILL have more charges added and he will spend more time in jail. Maybe that's a way you can let go? Knowing that the money got him out - and you took the loss for it. You didn't turn him in - you didn't revoke his bond - You just let it go - and in a sense also let him go.

    I know you are stronger than to let him come back home. We've talked about that. I know you won't give him that option to get a foothold in your lives and undo all the work you have done for yourself in gaining strength. I love my son with all my heart but I know it would be foolish to allow him to come back to live with me. He would have to do so much changing before I could trust him again. I dont' want anyone living under my roof while I sleep that I can't trust. I dont' deserve that.

    Whatever you and husband work out - I know it will be well thought out. I guess the question that buzzes my head about this would be -IF I DID revoke his bond, IF I DID send a message to him that while I love you - you aren't going to lie to me again - Would it make a difference in how he behaves towards me in the future? Do you suppose he'd sit in jail and go Dang - Mom and Dad WERE serious. Do you suppose he'd sit in jail and say Dang - my parents hate me, I did what they asked me to do or how about Dang - I got caught - haha can't believe my parents fell for it AGAIN? See each of those scenarios are real - the first - is like giving ourselves hope as parents - we said A would happen if B did not occur. B did not occur so A happened. Tough Love. Then B - Is juvenille in its thinking because you HAD to love him to bail him out in the first place - he is displacing blame to the max. You did your part HE did not do his. And the Third - Just cruel and what most of us would imagine our children were thinking. It makes us doubt ourselves and feel like scuckers.

    Sad thing is - none of us want to be made to feel like a tootsie pop, but until you KNOW that you are being made to be a tootsie pop - you are going to repeat the same scenario over and over hoping for a different result or outcome each time - and THAT is insane.

    I post my words lightly to you Stands, because I know how you must be feeling, and because I consider you a friend. But mostly because in the end - whatever you decide is the choice you made because it's what you could live with. I'm sorry for anyone who has gotten to the point where their child is in jail. I wish I had more words of comfort for you than - get tough - because getting tough is fine, but it doesn't stop the pain of knowing someone you love is so far gone that you feel the only help you have left is to let go.

    That's not a place I envy anyone being.

    Hugs & love
  19. CAmom

    CAmom Member

    I'm so sorry...I've thought many times about how unbelievably difficult it must be to make that tough decision to send your child away, and just the thought alone is enough to cause nightmares!

    Adding a prayer for you...
  20. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    All I can say is ditto to everything that has been said. We've been there, done that for more years than I care to remember.

    You can't make a person change. THEY have to want to change. It's hard to watch it happen, but enabling will not help.

    Good luck, and hugs to you.