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He quit his job today...
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 637101" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Lil, I'm sorry. Especially since you have to be around there all day long watching this drama...on your vacation!!! </p><p>Ugh. </p><p></p><p>Short-term view----Can you take a day and just drive in the car somewhere, anywhere, and browse the shops or walk in a park or beside a river, and have a nice lunch? By yourself, with husband or with a friend? Take a mini-vacation...from your vacation? Find an oasis of peace in this week. Also, if you can, try to create some space in the house with you and him, just smile and say little things like, that sounds good, have a good day, hon, and love you. Don't engage with his drama. Walk out of the room in order not to. Try not to throw a lot of words at him. Lil, he knows. You've told him. I've told my difficult child. We have told them how to live and we have taught them how to live. Right now, they can't/won't/don't do it. Okay, let that be. Let the natural consequences flow from their own decisions, good and bad. </p><p></p><p>Long term view-----Remember, difficult child is 19. He still has a long way to go, to adulthood. He will get there the hard way, evidently, instead of the easier way. It's going to be hard, hard for him, hard for you and husband. Watching somebody else stumble and stumble and stumble is very hard. </p><p></p><p>The good news: He did get a job. He did, Lil. And he went for a while. He had to do what other people told him to do, and when, and how. He earned some money of his very own. He made a decision to go away for the weekend, even when his parents disagreed. These are adult-type decisions. I know it isn't/wasn't pretty, but it's not going to be pretty, the growing up process with some of our kids. </p><p></p><p>What to do in the meantime, as all of this unfolds? Work on you. Work on gaining peace, serenity, contentment, joy, acceptance of all things around you, in your entire life (not just difficult child). That work redirects the energy, over time, that you spend on difficult child and what he will or won't do. And as your energy is redirected away from him---this is very good for him---he has to figure things out more and more...he has to take the natural consequences of his choices.....ah...the path to adulthood. </p><p></p><p>The more you can stand back, stand down and wait and watch, letting things take their natural course, without interference from you, the better off he will be, and the better off you will be.</p><p></p><p>I know (believe me, please) how very difficult this is and can be. It is down-deep hard. It is visceral, to watch someone be stupid over and over and over and to stand back. </p><p></p><p>Right now, Lil, difficult child has been working at his job for going on 10 weeks. He now has 40 hours a week. He is 25 and this is the first job he has had in 16 months. They like him there. He thinks the people are cool. They have talked to him about the management training program. Also, he is still homeless. I have no idea how this is working out, Lil, because I do not ask. How does he shower? Clean clothes? Getting to work at 1 a.m. (he has no car and no buses run at that time). Where does he sleep? </p><p></p><p>It could end tomorrow. But there is something going on that he is proud of here, even while he is ashamed that it is McDonald's. There are so many questions, but I do not ask them, Lil. If I don't have all of the details, I can't obsess about how in the world this is ever going to work. I know it's different for you, with him living right there in your house. </p><p></p><p>Our adult children must make their own way. That is the core truth I have learned, and am still learning, as I walk this hard road. It is not going to look like what i would do in any way, shape or form. </p><p></p><p>People do what they want to do. That is another core truth. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there. Set your boundaries and work hard to maintain them. Change them if you need to. Please find some nice things for you this week, during your vacation. We are here for you. This is very hard stuff, but this too shall pass.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 637101, member: 17542"] Lil, I'm sorry. Especially since you have to be around there all day long watching this drama...on your vacation!!! Ugh. Short-term view----Can you take a day and just drive in the car somewhere, anywhere, and browse the shops or walk in a park or beside a river, and have a nice lunch? By yourself, with husband or with a friend? Take a mini-vacation...from your vacation? Find an oasis of peace in this week. Also, if you can, try to create some space in the house with you and him, just smile and say little things like, that sounds good, have a good day, hon, and love you. Don't engage with his drama. Walk out of the room in order not to. Try not to throw a lot of words at him. Lil, he knows. You've told him. I've told my difficult child. We have told them how to live and we have taught them how to live. Right now, they can't/won't/don't do it. Okay, let that be. Let the natural consequences flow from their own decisions, good and bad. Long term view-----Remember, difficult child is 19. He still has a long way to go, to adulthood. He will get there the hard way, evidently, instead of the easier way. It's going to be hard, hard for him, hard for you and husband. Watching somebody else stumble and stumble and stumble is very hard. The good news: He did get a job. He did, Lil. And he went for a while. He had to do what other people told him to do, and when, and how. He earned some money of his very own. He made a decision to go away for the weekend, even when his parents disagreed. These are adult-type decisions. I know it isn't/wasn't pretty, but it's not going to be pretty, the growing up process with some of our kids. What to do in the meantime, as all of this unfolds? Work on you. Work on gaining peace, serenity, contentment, joy, acceptance of all things around you, in your entire life (not just difficult child). That work redirects the energy, over time, that you spend on difficult child and what he will or won't do. And as your energy is redirected away from him---this is very good for him---he has to figure things out more and more...he has to take the natural consequences of his choices.....ah...the path to adulthood. The more you can stand back, stand down and wait and watch, letting things take their natural course, without interference from you, the better off he will be, and the better off you will be. I know (believe me, please) how very difficult this is and can be. It is down-deep hard. It is visceral, to watch someone be stupid over and over and over and to stand back. Right now, Lil, difficult child has been working at his job for going on 10 weeks. He now has 40 hours a week. He is 25 and this is the first job he has had in 16 months. They like him there. He thinks the people are cool. They have talked to him about the management training program. Also, he is still homeless. I have no idea how this is working out, Lil, because I do not ask. How does he shower? Clean clothes? Getting to work at 1 a.m. (he has no car and no buses run at that time). Where does he sleep? It could end tomorrow. But there is something going on that he is proud of here, even while he is ashamed that it is McDonald's. There are so many questions, but I do not ask them, Lil. If I don't have all of the details, I can't obsess about how in the world this is ever going to work. I know it's different for you, with him living right there in your house. Our adult children must make their own way. That is the core truth I have learned, and am still learning, as I walk this hard road. It is not going to look like what i would do in any way, shape or form. People do what they want to do. That is another core truth. Hang in there. Set your boundaries and work hard to maintain them. Change them if you need to. Please find some nice things for you this week, during your vacation. We are here for you. This is very hard stuff, but this too shall pass. [/QUOTE]
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