Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
He ruined my day..
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 640694" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I'm sorry your son is giving you a hard time. Here is something I learned. Take it with a grain of salt, if it doesn't resonate.</p><p></p><p>Nobody else on earth can ruin your day but you. We have to allow others to ruin our day for them to do it, both in our attitude toward them and by our doing something we know in our guts will not work. Nobody has the kind of power over us to ruin us. I had to learn this. It shocked me when I first heard it. Now I realize it is true. We always contribute to it when our hoped for good times are ruined.</p><p></p><p>I have adopted kids. It is not unusual for them to think about their birthparents and to even seek them out. It is nothing against you. It is them wanting to know their identity. My own rule is NEVER EVER bash the child's, grown or otherwise, birthparent because that is part of who the person is. One of my son's has a birthmother who gave birth to him, left him in the hospital high, and he had cocaine in his system as a baby. He is a great young man now and all he knows about his birthmother is that she was sick and could not take care of him. Her illness was drug addiction, and he was told this and that it is a disease, so he can not use drugs or drink because he could have inherited this illness. He does not do either. I also don't think whether they were poor or not makes them bad. Material things are not what these adopted young adults are thinking about. If they were, they would never think about their identities because mostly they realize if they had not been given up for adoption they would have been poor.</p><p></p><p>It is not always easy to say nice things about their biological relatives. But I always do. They have 50% their biological mother and 50% their biological father and they know this.</p><p></p><p>If Son wants to have two families and you think one is trashy, I would not say anything or retaliate. This may just be something he needs. It is probably not to hurt you. I also would not withdraw anything because of this interest, Usually these young adults come to a good balance. I don't understand why you'd give up your loving Christmas spirit because your child is curious about his birth family. To me, that is not a good move.</p><p></p><p>In your house, like in my house, my adopted kids saw a divorce and it wasn't pretty and then they had to see me remarry, which they didn't like...they had already suffered many losses. From now on, maybe it's best to plan your holiday for you and husband and enjoy yourself! We can not make our kids come home for the holidays. When we adopt our kids we hope from the bottom of our souls to give them the perfect loving family, but sometimes it doesn't work out that way. It didn't for me or for you. Our kids know this. Even if it HAD worked out perfectly, that would not stop a person from wondering who gave birth to him and maybe wanting to know her. To me that is normal curiosity.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry for your hurting heart. Being an adoptive mom, I do understand, but I also have resolved the issue of my kids wanting to know where they came from. And I learned it is NOT because they felt you or I were lacking in any way. We are human. They are too. If I had been adopted, I admit I would have definitely wanted to know who my birthparents were. Since I don't believe DNA makes a family, that would not take away the love I had for those who wiped my runny nose or helped me with my homework. I don't think Son is doing this to hurt you. If he is a difficult child he may be playing off your attitude...they are good at that, unfortunately. He sees it bothers you so he does it, like most difficult children. </p><p></p><p>Hugs!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 640694, member: 1550"] I'm sorry your son is giving you a hard time. Here is something I learned. Take it with a grain of salt, if it doesn't resonate. Nobody else on earth can ruin your day but you. We have to allow others to ruin our day for them to do it, both in our attitude toward them and by our doing something we know in our guts will not work. Nobody has the kind of power over us to ruin us. I had to learn this. It shocked me when I first heard it. Now I realize it is true. We always contribute to it when our hoped for good times are ruined. I have adopted kids. It is not unusual for them to think about their birthparents and to even seek them out. It is nothing against you. It is them wanting to know their identity. My own rule is NEVER EVER bash the child's, grown or otherwise, birthparent because that is part of who the person is. One of my son's has a birthmother who gave birth to him, left him in the hospital high, and he had cocaine in his system as a baby. He is a great young man now and all he knows about his birthmother is that she was sick and could not take care of him. Her illness was drug addiction, and he was told this and that it is a disease, so he can not use drugs or drink because he could have inherited this illness. He does not do either. I also don't think whether they were poor or not makes them bad. Material things are not what these adopted young adults are thinking about. If they were, they would never think about their identities because mostly they realize if they had not been given up for adoption they would have been poor. It is not always easy to say nice things about their biological relatives. But I always do. They have 50% their biological mother and 50% their biological father and they know this. If Son wants to have two families and you think one is trashy, I would not say anything or retaliate. This may just be something he needs. It is probably not to hurt you. I also would not withdraw anything because of this interest, Usually these young adults come to a good balance. I don't understand why you'd give up your loving Christmas spirit because your child is curious about his birth family. To me, that is not a good move. In your house, like in my house, my adopted kids saw a divorce and it wasn't pretty and then they had to see me remarry, which they didn't like...they had already suffered many losses. From now on, maybe it's best to plan your holiday for you and husband and enjoy yourself! We can not make our kids come home for the holidays. When we adopt our kids we hope from the bottom of our souls to give them the perfect loving family, but sometimes it doesn't work out that way. It didn't for me or for you. Our kids know this. Even if it HAD worked out perfectly, that would not stop a person from wondering who gave birth to him and maybe wanting to know her. To me that is normal curiosity. I am sorry for your hurting heart. Being an adoptive mom, I do understand, but I also have resolved the issue of my kids wanting to know where they came from. And I learned it is NOT because they felt you or I were lacking in any way. We are human. They are too. If I had been adopted, I admit I would have definitely wanted to know who my birthparents were. Since I don't believe DNA makes a family, that would not take away the love I had for those who wiped my runny nose or helped me with my homework. I don't think Son is doing this to hurt you. If he is a difficult child he may be playing off your attitude...they are good at that, unfortunately. He sees it bothers you so he does it, like most difficult children. Hugs!!! [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
He ruined my day..
Top