He wants - I don't know what

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by witzend, Jun 17, 2010.

  1. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    M called yesterday asking if we would take his aid card so that he wouldn't spend money that he shouldn't. husband and I talked about it and we agreed that we didn't want to do that. We discussed perhaps helping with budgeting for a while, but didn't get far with that. M wanted to come over today, but husband told him that we had to discuss it, plus he had a doctor appointment this morning, I have something this evening. I have work to do. But mostly I know that this is not about his aid card.

    So, he calls me this morning while I'm still on the road from the doctor's appointment. I told him that we wouldn't take the card and he needed to have more information about how the money can be accessed and then we could talk. But, that the most we would do with it is put it in the safe and forget it, we would not manage his money. He says he has been blowing his money and that's one reason that he was stressed. But he realizes that even if we had the card all he has to do is go online and access his money through paypal. OK. So why do we need the card? Just cut it up.

    It turns out that he has his first appointment with a therapist on Saturday. He had led us to believe months ago that he was in therapy. He wanted us to go to the therapist appointment with him. Oh hello! There is no way on God's green earth that I will do that! Or husband either. Well, then we can meet at a restaurant. Fine - get your head together as to what it is that you want, and we can talk about what we can do to help.

    Then he gets less specific. He just wants our help. He talked to husband, husband told him we wouldn't go to therapy. Neither of us are clear as to why he wants to meet someplace to talk with us. He says he wants to move on and make a fresh start in life. OK... I moved on years ago. husband moved on. I'm sorry that M didn't move on, we did everything we could to help, and then we did everything we could to let him be. But I can't jump back into the fire.

    He has a therapist. That is where he needs to move on, I think. If he can identify issues that he wants help with, that would be great. But I'm not him. I can't know what it is that he needs to work on. I keep thinking of that movie City Slickers, where Curly tells Billy Crystal "You have to have one thing." I have no clue what that one thing is for M. I never will. I don't know what that thing is for anyone other than me. Not even husband.

    I feel like he is asking us to be a distraction to his recovery. I hate feeling so much like I don't want any part of it. He's a person in my life who I should be giving advice to and I can't think of anything other than that for everyone I need to walk away from him so that he can figure it out for himself.
  2. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    I don't have any words of wisdom, but I"m so sorry you're going through this... Keep detaching, it'll save you, husband and your difficult child in the end...
  3. tawnya

    tawnya New Member

    I'm sorry Witz. I feel the burnout once in a while. There is detachment and there is burnout.

    I'm sorry for what M is going through, and I hope he accepts the help he needs.

    I'm still keeping your famiy in my prayers.
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I completely understand what you are saying. It seems the money is a way to draw you into drama. No way you could have that end positively. It is very inappropriate for you to be at the first meetings with his therapist. HE needs to do that by himself. They are HIS issues to deal with. I know there was koi in the past history with your kids, but this is not th way for him to handle it. IF he had a clear and specific thing that he needed help with then MAYBE going to a session with his therapist at some future time would not be out of line. NOT to therapize you, but to maybe make sure that his perceptions of past events were in line with reality. Often what a child perceives is far from the truth and can hinder therapy.

    But mostly he needs to focus on himself. Misleading you about having been in therapy is not cool. Whether he wants to or not, he must pick up the reins of his life and lead it. Refusing to get drawn in is a good thing for all of you.

    I am sorry he is struggling so. It is good that he is going to see a therapist. I hope it helps him.

  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It sounds like he is really scared of facing all of this alone.. yet, that is exactly what he needs to do. He may need a support system while facing it, but it's got to be separate from you and husband. It's got to be one he builds himself at this point. Hopefully he will click with the therapist.

    I'm sorry, I know this is really tough, but you are doing and saying all the right things, in my opinion. Hang in there.
  6. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    I agree with Crazy, and I wanted to add I found it encouraging how you all could work thru the aid card/money issue to a resolution of sorts. That sounded positive to me, that M realized it was futile for you to hold the card when he could simply access it online. Sounded to me he came to that conclusion logically, and it didn't turn into a big blow-out blame-fest.

    Sending good thoughts and gentle hugs!

  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Thanks, all. No, there are no more blow-outs with M. There haven't been for a long time. It was usually we (meaning I because husband is too passive and that I am the best speaker...) would talk, and M would sit silent, then he'd either blow and run, or stay silent and destroy our property when we weren't looking.

    Even if I look at this from a best - possible - case scenario, and it is so that as M told his dad "I want to move on and find a way to be happy and to be able to get advice from you and dad", his mind is no longer formative. In reality that portion of his life was over a long time ago. He has formed his likes and dislikes and his moral compass. It's past the time for us to live throughout our daily lives and have discussions that lead to shaping his character.

    Sadly, his character is that of an extremely depressed and anxiety riddled young man who looks for the negative in everything. If you can talk him into making lemonade out of the lemons, he'll drag you into a long conversation about the next and the next and the next thing that's wrong with his life. That's way over my pay grade at this point. He never listened when we tried to tell him that life could be good when he was young, and that was hard. He's 10 times worse now, and it's not just hard it's impossible.

    I hope he will stay on the medications and stay in therapy. I feel awful for walking away from him, but I really do believe that he has to make these hard choices for himself at this point in his life.
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    Just hugs - (((((((((((HUGE HUGS)))))))) I too hope he stays on the medications and therapy.
  9. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Me, too, Witz. Fingers crossed.

  10. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I wish I had the kind of wisdom you need right now, witz. I can only offer many hugs and hope that they help...