He was VERY good for US...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by gcvmom, Dec 22, 2008.

  1. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    My mother in law has a special way with words.

    She took difficult child 1 off my hands Saturday afternoon and took him to sister in law#1's house to spend the night since we were all converging there Sunday for a little holiday party, visit from Santa, and party for father in law's belated birthday.

    When we got there, she informed me about how GOOD difficult child 1 was and all the wonderful things he did for his uncle while he was there. Said she NEVER had a problem with him. And when more and more people started to arrive in the afternoon, especially the cousins whom he was excited to see, his behavior started to deteriorate/escalate (if that makes sense) and he started provoking easy child and his 18yo male cousin whom he craves attention from.

    I finally had to step in and have words with him and easy child (she was being a brat and adding to things) outside, threatening to confiscate any gifts they might receive that night from the Santa visitor. That pretty much did the trick. But mother in law couldn't resist coming over to husband and I to tell us repeatedly how GOOD he was for HER and that he only started acting up when WE arrived at the house.

  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Yeah- well they usually are good when they are the center of attention and getting catered to. You know that was just a "dig" from your mother in law- you are seriously going to have to do something about her- would you like a gang of warrier moms to have a talk with her?
  3. jal

    jal Member

    Our difficult child's behavior always deteriorates/escalates when we pick him up from grandparents. It is natural for kids to do it, but with difficult child's their behavior is SO much more so (as we all know). Unfortunately, they do see the other stuff but luckily they are supportive in all our efforts because they understand he has issues. Hugs.
  4. lizzie09

    lizzie09 lizzie

    Myl mother in law did this same thing with ALL my sons.

    No matter what I did.I always caused a row in her book and she repeatedly said there was no trouble until I returned home!

    This forged a problem between myself and eldest easy child and mother in law constantly says to this day what a wonderful misunderstood boy he is! This is a rub at me.


    Once many years ago when this happened and easy child ran upstairs when I requested he leave the room, she brought him BACK DOWN and completely undermined my authority to this day.

    What aa horrible thing to do to your daughter in law.
  5. Ugh! I hate that. Of course they didn't have any trouble, let them live with it day in and day out.

    What I get from my ex-mother in law, who lives in another state and hasn't seen my daughter in 2 years and my son in almost 4, is:

    your daughters mood swings aren't they just normal teenage girl stuff? She doesn't get it, nor does she want to accept that anything is wrong. I tried to explain that it is way different and more intense. I wasn't going to go into everything with her because she wouldn't understand or believe me anyway.

    As far as difficult child, when he first went inpatient, she just couldn't understand it, when I told her the psychiatrist suspected bipolar she started crying and said you mean and have to take medicine for the rest of his life, then she said well I am not going to believe that.

  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    That reminds me of my mother- if I tell her that I'm having some issues at home because difficult child isn't stable right now, she says "oh, I thought all that was over".

    And my mother has a PhD in psychology. ( Did I mention why I don't have blind faith in the profs?)
  7. JLady

    JLady A ship lost in the night

    I thought all of that was part of the role of mother in law. Hmmmm....:surprise:
  8. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Aren't they all better behaved without us evil parents? These kids are smart, maybe they do it on purpose to make us look bad!!! LOL

    Sign me up for the warrior mom attack!!! :)
  9. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    If I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I could retire a happy and wealthy woman. Why is it always MOM'S fault?
  10. ML

    ML Guest

    Don't people realize how insulting it is to say that kind of thing. Grrr.
  11. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I had a friend who would happily watch my daughter when she was little. She never understood why I would be so frustrated. One Saturday, I was out shopping and she called me. "Come get her!!!" was said through clenched teeth. She looked at me when I picked my child up and shook her head. "How do you cope with THAT day after day?" "Easy, she's my heart." However, whenever I heard someone make the good for them comment to me, I simply called my friend and had her explain how well my daughter could honeymoon. I would then offer to leave her a week with them and then see if they said the same thing. Shut up many people.

    As to your mother in law, of course he was good for them. He was the center of attention and nothing was expected of him. Plus, he is safe to act out in front of you. You'll love him regardless of what he does and he knows it. Grandma might just get mad at him. And, of course, he wasn't being severely stimulated by too many people around her.

    The reality is there is nothing you can do or say when people choose to undermine you when you're not there to stop them. Like most mother in law issues, the best you can do is grin and bear it and remember that she raised the man you love. (If you ever fall out of love with him, you can still say that but with a different voice and attitude.)
  12. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    When do they go home? :faint:

    I do visuals. It's much easier to smile and nod at people while you're visualizing yourself slapping duct tape across their mouth or some such thing. I'm actually not so nice, but didn't want to scare anyone. :D
  13. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I usually answer something like, "Oh thank you! It is so good to hear when someone enjoys difficult child. He really is a special kid isn't he? I am so happy that you are able to experience that. Knowing that you enjoy having him around does make these difficult moments easier. difficult child does have a struggle adjusting to lots of people around. He will be pleased to hear that you enjoyed his visit."

    If it was my mother in law,the intentions of those remarks also would be to try to keep me from getting too angry. She would be trying to remind me that not all is bad. We scream to the roof top the good qualities our our kids but in the moment of total frustration over them, our vision of those good things get cloudy.

    So, even if her intention was to be mean and rotten and a know-it-all, I would let her see how I can take it as a compliment. She is not going to get the best of this warrior mom. I am going to make her words be what I want them to be. (gets them every time when you turn their words around to mean something nicer than they intended. catches them off guard.)
  14. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    UGH! We are in the middle of a war right now with my oh so ignorant in-laws...
    I am so not ready to post the details.
    Let's just say, the words, "Self full-filling prophecy" were thrown out and they WILL be going to meet with K's psychiatrist!!! Who is more than happy to set them straight...

    I am so sick of comments like that... Of course difficult child was great for you !!! inlaws... grrrrr
  15. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    :rofl: Oh, it's SO nice to know there are other people with morons in their family!

    I just smiled and nodded my head and had husband pour me another glass of wine when she said that. :D

    I just hope I never act like a know-it-all with the spouses of my kids (that's assuming any of them makes it that far in life).

    We only have one more event with husband's family this year -- Christmas Eve, and then we're done with all this "togetherness" for a while. I believe the in-laws drive back to Texas on the 26th (they said they're out of money... hmmm... couldn't be that stop in Vegas on the way out that did it, could it?). Although, the lure of Vegas on the way back might be just too hard to resist. I'm sure his sisters will give them money for Christmas. Personally, I think they should write them checks so they can't cash it until they get home. But then I guess that's why everyone thinks I'm mean.

    The Christmas Eve gathering should be interesting. It's at sister in law#3's place, the sister husband likes the least. She's a bit eccentric and a bit annoying, I have to admit. At the party last night, we brought some hot artichoke cheese dip that's a standing request by husband's family. I let difficult child 2 make it this time since it's something he enjoys eating and is easy enough for him to make. He decided to make two batches. There was a bit left over, so sister in law#2 decides to box it up and take it home to her house to reserve on Christmas Eve. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to eat 4-day old cheese dip at her house! For crying out loud, I'll make another batch! She also informed me that (since she doesn't cook) she's serving some pasta that's been in her freezer that she brought home from sister in law#1's husband's restaurant (essentially leftovers from another family gathering, probably some time last summer). Oh, and any gift bags or tissue she uses for the gift exchange we're having she will likely ask to have returned to her that night. I think husband purposely rips into his gifts so that there's nothing left of the wrapping to give back to her (mwah-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!)

    Oh, if only we could pick our relatives... or at least demand a family medical history and psychiatric evaluation before we say "I do."
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Glad I am not the only one with inlaws! Mine don't make comments about Wiz. Or the other kids - usually because they behave well but mostly because stepmil has so many grands and great grands that they forget. Any antics are soon mis-attributed to another child, so I don't worry about whatever they say.

    I do find the entire family bizarre, and no matter how I try to fit in, there is never anything that fits. It will always be this way. But husband feels that way around his family too, so maybe it isn't me?

    We don't always agree with my family, esp gfgbro (who has already started the "woe is me, she has Christmas custody" song even though exSIL has said she will be in town and niece can come over or she will come over with niece - either is fine but gfgbro has to make it a conflama) but at least we can just go take a nap if someone is bugging us at my parents home. husband has been doing it since the first time he ever came over there - we were watching a movie for a cheap date!

    I am sorry y'alls inlaws are so annoying. And Toto, I will do a special, middle of the cold winter night nekkid chicken dance that your inlaws quit being a problem!)
  17. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Agreeing with them and taking it as a compliment always takes the wind out of their sails! Next time, plan ahead and have your response ready.

    "I'm so glad he was good for you. He generally is, when he's in a small group with people focussing entirely on his needs. He tends to relax with us because he knows we love him unconditionally."

    Let her think about tat - I suspect that if she even notices the sting in the tail, she will take some time to 'get it' and it will be too late for her to come back. Besides, it's the truth.

  18. luvmyottb

    luvmyottb Guest

    My mother in law and father in law are so sweet and naive. My difficult child never ever has given them any problem;) until last year at Thanksgiving. We had the whole family here and father in law took me aside and said "You know, I think I know now what you are talking about with difficult child." That was after her jealousy over younger cousins under the age of 4 erupted and she manipulated Grandpa into 4 trips to the Dollar store in one day! They got to see some of the famous temper tantrums explode over a 1 week time frame with way too many people in the house and too much stimulation for difficult child.

    I think they really just never chose to see the other side of difficult child and always felt sorry for her because she's adopted. She is the master manipulator and even I was in such denial for the longest time. I didn't want to believe a child could be so skilled at pulling strings. They are wonderful and caring...but truly don't understand the depths of what they are dealing with.

    We are driving down to see them the day after Xmas.
  19. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    Just had a thought.

    use this to your advantage with- difficult child.

    bring difficult child in front of mother in law and praise difficult child to the high heavens for behaving so well and enjoying his visit with- them. Make it a positive experience for difficult child, not for mother in law:D

    Then suggest that difficult child stay with- mother in law for a few nights. (My goodness, if he's such an angel over by her, then take a respite LOL) Maybe he'll "enlighten" her?
  20. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Oh, Nancy. And I thought I was evil!

    In the corner, now!