Heading Back into the Trenches...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DaisyFace, Aug 13, 2010.

  1. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    And I am feeling kind of sad...

    So much of my being, my self, is "lost" with the day to day stresses of difficult child. I have to take on the role of "warden". Always on guard. Always on alert. I get no vacations, no sick leave, no time off...

    Until this week. difficult child has been away at camp.

    I didn't have to go to "visiting hours" or "meetings" or "family sessions".

    difficult child didn't call home once.

    And suddenly, "I" was back. The "me" that I used to know. The "self" that I used to be...

    I SLEPT! I relaxed! I LAUGHED! I had fun...

    And tomorrow difficult child comes home.

    And it all ends. "I" have to go back into hiding again.

    Today, I had to meet with a therapist at our county health clinic. (She works with the prescribing psychiatrist at the clinic) They are making some staffing changes and she wanted to talk to me about difficult child's case.

    Of course, she hadn't read the file. She met difficult child once and fell for all of difficult child's nonsense. She told me difficult child had reported she does really well in school.

    I asked her if she wanted to see difficult child's report card. She seemed surprised at the grades...

    I tried to explain what life is like around here. How it feels like constant warfare. How difficult child sits on the couch all day complaining...

    The counselor suggested that "next time difficult child is helping me cook dinner" I should talk to her about my concerns for her future. Ummm....helping me cook dinner???? What part of "warfare" did you not understand????

    The counselor suggested we be more supportive of difficult child's interests. I said it was hard to be supportive when all of difficult child's "interests" are inappropriate and her lies about school clubs and such are just a cover for sneaking around.

    The counselor told me I just need to start thinking "positive thoughts"...

    So...here I am...donning my "rhino skin" again and layering on the armor. Not just for difficult child, but for all the b.s. that goes along....the clueless counselors....the ridiculous advice...the well-meaning but clueless "butt-in-skis"...

    I will miss "me"...
  2. whatamess

    whatamess New Member

    I hate that the majority of professionals who are supposed to help really just don't get it. You can't really get it, unless you've lived it. It sucks that we have to seek advice from 'guessers'.

    I hope you can find little ways to let 'you' come out when difficult child comes back home.
  3. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Ah....I remember the times that Wee would have a good stretch, and how awful the return to the bad was (what am I saying....its still this cycle)...I almost wished the "good" hadn't happened, cause returning to the trenches was SOOOO hard...it was almost easier to just stay there than have those little sabbaticals.

    Knowing it was coming and allowing myself that "mourning" period helped me...I had every right to be sad, and so do you.

    Allow yourself to feel that grief and work thru it. Another break will come.

    (PS - I ALWAYS keep SOMETHING on my calendar. It might just be a comedy night 4 months from now, but I ALWAYS have something planned to look forward to. It helps me make it to tomorrow.)
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh my-I think I'd be tempted to send a video to the therapist showing the constant warfare. I can't believe she said to think positive thoughts (it would have wanted me to burst out laughing if it wasn't so sad).

    Many hugs being sent your way. As my difficult child's camps have just ended for the summer and we have two full weeks before returning to school (longer for him-2 1/2 weeks) I can already feel the tension rising.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I completely understand and can only offer condolences. I lived this way for several years, until my mouse hit the wall- (see WC) and still feel guilty because I couldn't hang in there longer and do more or find some answer that would have kept things from getting to the point they have. I wish I could give you great words of wisdom.
  6. ML

    ML Guest

    I get it. I just had a run in with the psychiatrist this week and I'm still recovering. Long story, another post. But I just want you to know I totally understand and I hope you will find ways to express your authentic self despite the battles. We're alway here for you and we love you!
  7. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Your post choked me up because I think we all get it and feel the anguish and pain.
    I am gearing up already for the looks and attitude from K's new Teachers... they don't blame us but they always think we are overreacting in the beginning. Uh, and then as time goes on the fecal matter hits the fan... YA THINK!!!

    I liked the "cooking dinner" together. Such a nice homey image! You need a double layer of gear, Sorry
  8. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    DF, I truly understand your feelings. Putting the relaxed, spirited person you are away to deal with the daily antics of difficult child. The professionals that have no clue as to the daily battles over little things like taking a shower or taking medications.

    Think positive thoughts ~ does this woman have children? What is her degree? OMG. Sounds like the late '80s, early '90s when everything was a mantra "happy thoughts, happy thoughts".

    Every single time kt or wm would return from Residential Treatment Center (RTC) husband & I would have to get our battle gear out; literally when things had been so calm & to start to have to lock up knives, medications, anything else that I perceived could become a weapon wiped out all the therapy sessions, the rest & the reconnections. Stress & resentments began the minute a discharge date would be announced. husband & I would begin teaming together yet pulling apart as a couple. It was a sad commentary on our home life. I expect you're feeling the same way.

    Hold onto every part of you that you can. Don't let your difficult child take it all away. Hold onto what is most precious. As commited, as much as we love our children, the loss of self is simply not worth it. You will lose a reason to care about difficult child.

    Take care of you, DF. ((((hugs))))
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It really hoovers to know that you have to go back into the trenches. Esp when idiots tell you to think positively (I am positively going to yank her lungs out through her nostrils if she tells me to f' off or calls me an f'ing b! - Somehow I don't think this is what the counselor meant, do you?)when they have no clue what difficult child is really like at home.

    It bites bigtime to realize that your difficult child, who makes life at home SOO awful that sometimes you want to never come home, is well behaved, responsible, polite, charming, and even KIND when she is away from home or around counselors/docs/etc...

    in my opinion that is one of the worst parts of parenting. Why can't they be terrible for everyone else and wonderful for us?
  10. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Thank you for understanding...

    She's home...and the drama has already started.

    TG school starts Monday!
  11. Jena

    Jena New Member


    it's been a while since i've been here. I can relate so much to what you are saying about being you as i'm sure most of us can. yet im learning slowly i dont' want to give all of my being to difficult child anymore, nor should i have to. ive spent years doing the same walking away from jobs, lacking sleep, friendships fallen apart, finances well we won't even go there lol.

    i'm slowly learning that we have to stay true to us, dont' we? i mean yea i know the pain in the *ss appointments constantly, therapy, medication checks, school meetings. it's like a full time job. yet somewhere in all of that has gotta lie us, the us we were before the difficult child's entered our world. i think we should all spend time each day trying to find the us we used to be for ourselves. how we do this i have no freaking clue lol.

    you try it and please let me know how it is!! :) i try a little everyday. difficult child doesn't like it, it's like she's jealous i have a life besides her.

    anyway i rambled i do that, hugs to you i'm glad you had that time to catch up with you, try to keep it up upon the return of your difficult child.
  12. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I must say that the thought of a difficult child in full warfare mode helping with dinner is pretty darn funny. Makes you want to ask if she actually went to school and knew anything about behavior in children/teens.