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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 677777" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>My condolences, 3rdeye. My mother died in September of 2013. It was hard on me, too. I am better now.</p><p>What makes you feel things are about to get worse? Is there something specific? </p><p></p><p>It is hard not to let our own sadness dovetail with theirs. </p><p></p><p>The thing to begin with is you do not have any control. And your real responsibility is limited too. Although we feel them to be our children, and they are, they are adult men. Your son has been living as an adult for awhile now. Working, self-supporting, independent. </p><p></p><p>No matter how worried we are, there becomes a point when our children are responsible to solve their own problems. It is this that propels them to mature. If we take away from them these opportunities to solve difficult problems, we take away their opportunity to learn, to build self-esteem, to become who in this life they will become, finding their own way. I learned that I was disrespecting my son by trying to solve his problems and micro-manage his life. While I did this I was stunting his growth. I stopped.</p><p>If you do a search for the member, scentofcedar, you will find a link at the bottom of her signature from Dr. Kathleen McCoy that suggests ways to talk to our adult children.</p><p></p><p>Are sons are grown man. We love them. But decisions about their health, the direction in life they choose, and decisions about how they live their lives are their own to make. </p><p></p><p>I am learning to take responsibility for my own fear, desire to help, and wanting to control, by curbing these impulses, because they serve to hold my son back, rather than help him. </p><p></p><p>I think we need to first, understand what we are doing, and how we need to change, and why. Then our conversations with them will be easier. I think less is more. Saying less. Because a lot of the words we say come from guilt. There is no reason for guilt. </p><p>We cannot control our feelings but we can control our words and actions.</p><p></p><p>When I was detaching from my son in phone calls I came to say only Hi, Bye and maybe 2 more words during the whole call. He was relieved. I was easier to talk to. Because I listened more and gave advice or criticized less. </p><p></p><p>Our worry and our great love are actually hard on them. They know they need to break away some, in order to become mature men. It is very hard for some of our sons. They are helped when we get a grip on our own emotions. </p><p></p><p>Think about it: You want a mature man for your son. You do not want a Mama's boy, I do not think.</p><p>You do not have to. It is not all or nothing. I think you might be scaring yourself.</p><p>I would stop suggesting it. You cannot control him. You already told him. He will follow through or not. I know how hard this is.</p><p></p><p>My son is mentally ill and has a chronic illness for which he required treatment. I was hysterical with fear because he was not taking medication or going to the doctor. I did everything. Anything I could do. It only made me crazy, helpless, feel desperate, hysterical, terrified. You get the picture. None of it helped. Nothing. He sabotaged every single attempt by me. Finally I accepted the truth. He may die before me. I do not want that but I cannot control it.</p><p>I have said that at different times on posts.</p><p></p><p>I do not know if it is the right or wrong thing to do. Because if you insist, and he does not choose to comply, what will you do? Will you cut him off? What can you really do? </p><p></p><p>I am concerned that there may be reasons why you fear your son may soon worsen. Can you tell us more about your concerns?</p><p></p><p>As far as his readiness to resume University, I think the only thing to do is to leave it up to him. You could say something like, "you know son, the timing of returning to school is up to you, whether the time is xx or xx, you will know what is best for you."</p><p></p><p>I do not know whether it is a good thing to have your son come home, after a period of independence, given you are mourning the loss of your mother, have been depressed and are having health issues. Particularly as you already fear that your condition will be exacerbated by concerns about him and the mixing of yours and his depression. </p><p></p><p>I would also be concerned that coming home, given that he is depressed, might reinforce a sense of dependency and give room for him to get more depressed. With you he may not have the need to interact with people his age, to work to meet his needs. These are the things that are going to get him out of it. Not living with his parents, I think.</p><p></p><p>But I am not clear about his circumstances, whether returning to university requires he live in your home, etc. </p><p></p><p>I think I might talk to him realistically and directly about all of this. As you post what you want to say and need to say will become clearer. And you will come to know how to say it. All of this is a process.</p><p></p><p>We are glad you are here with us. Keep posting. It really helps. On as many threads as you have time for. Even if the circumstances seem different than are yours, it helps you and all of us if you participate, I think. Forgive yourself. You are going through a lot. You need all of the kindness and self-care you can summon.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 677777, member: 18958"] My condolences, 3rdeye. My mother died in September of 2013. It was hard on me, too. I am better now. What makes you feel things are about to get worse? Is there something specific? It is hard not to let our own sadness dovetail with theirs. The thing to begin with is you do not have any control. And your real responsibility is limited too. Although we feel them to be our children, and they are, they are adult men. Your son has been living as an adult for awhile now. Working, self-supporting, independent. No matter how worried we are, there becomes a point when our children are responsible to solve their own problems. It is this that propels them to mature. If we take away from them these opportunities to solve difficult problems, we take away their opportunity to learn, to build self-esteem, to become who in this life they will become, finding their own way. I learned that I was disrespecting my son by trying to solve his problems and micro-manage his life. While I did this I was stunting his growth. I stopped. If you do a search for the member, scentofcedar, you will find a link at the bottom of her signature from Dr. Kathleen McCoy that suggests ways to talk to our adult children. Are sons are grown man. We love them. But decisions about their health, the direction in life they choose, and decisions about how they live their lives are their own to make. I am learning to take responsibility for my own fear, desire to help, and wanting to control, by curbing these impulses, because they serve to hold my son back, rather than help him. I think we need to first, understand what we are doing, and how we need to change, and why. Then our conversations with them will be easier. I think less is more. Saying less. Because a lot of the words we say come from guilt. There is no reason for guilt. We cannot control our feelings but we can control our words and actions. When I was detaching from my son in phone calls I came to say only Hi, Bye and maybe 2 more words during the whole call. He was relieved. I was easier to talk to. Because I listened more and gave advice or criticized less. Our worry and our great love are actually hard on them. They know they need to break away some, in order to become mature men. It is very hard for some of our sons. They are helped when we get a grip on our own emotions. Think about it: You want a mature man for your son. You do not want a Mama's boy, I do not think. You do not have to. It is not all or nothing. I think you might be scaring yourself. I would stop suggesting it. You cannot control him. You already told him. He will follow through or not. I know how hard this is. My son is mentally ill and has a chronic illness for which he required treatment. I was hysterical with fear because he was not taking medication or going to the doctor. I did everything. Anything I could do. It only made me crazy, helpless, feel desperate, hysterical, terrified. You get the picture. None of it helped. Nothing. He sabotaged every single attempt by me. Finally I accepted the truth. He may die before me. I do not want that but I cannot control it. I have said that at different times on posts. I do not know if it is the right or wrong thing to do. Because if you insist, and he does not choose to comply, what will you do? Will you cut him off? What can you really do? I am concerned that there may be reasons why you fear your son may soon worsen. Can you tell us more about your concerns? As far as his readiness to resume University, I think the only thing to do is to leave it up to him. You could say something like, "you know son, the timing of returning to school is up to you, whether the time is xx or xx, you will know what is best for you." I do not know whether it is a good thing to have your son come home, after a period of independence, given you are mourning the loss of your mother, have been depressed and are having health issues. Particularly as you already fear that your condition will be exacerbated by concerns about him and the mixing of yours and his depression. I would also be concerned that coming home, given that he is depressed, might reinforce a sense of dependency and give room for him to get more depressed. With you he may not have the need to interact with people his age, to work to meet his needs. These are the things that are going to get him out of it. Not living with his parents, I think. But I am not clear about his circumstances, whether returning to university requires he live in your home, etc. I think I might talk to him realistically and directly about all of this. As you post what you want to say and need to say will become clearer. And you will come to know how to say it. All of this is a process. We are glad you are here with us. Keep posting. It really helps. On as many threads as you have time for. Even if the circumstances seem different than are yours, it helps you and all of us if you participate, I think. Forgive yourself. You are going through a lot. You need all of the kindness and self-care you can summon. COPA [/QUOTE]
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