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Healing from Narcissistic Relationship: Very good article
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 675089" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>If you read earlier posts from our beginning time here, you will find posts for each of us where we needed to decide who the liar was. Was it myself, or...could it be that my mother told lies? It was an impossible place. It was like the Lion and the Tin Man and the Scarecrow confronting the witch's keep to save Dorothy.</p><p></p><p>To save Dorothy.</p><p></p><p>That is why you are engaging yourself at this level, Leafy.</p><p></p><p>To save Dorothy.</p><p></p><p>She is who matters. We are anonymous here, and so are you. No one knows you, no one knows your mother or your sibs. This anonymity guarantees safety and a safe place to heal.</p><p></p><p>You are not bad, Leafy.</p><p></p><p>You are Leafy.</p><p></p><p>Good and bad, and trying to know how to live a life, like everyone.</p><p></p><p>Like me, too.</p><p></p><p>Like Serenity and Copa and all of us.</p><p></p><p>Doing the best we know, and failing sometimes and coming through sometimes and continuing on because we have committed to saving Dorothy.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Some bad things happened to me Leafy. The worst bad thing was learning to see myself through my abuser's eyes. It was not the other things. It was the truth of who I was, through the eyes of my abuser. The essence of what we are doing here (to me, anyway) on FOO Chronicles is learning to see our abusers through our eyes, and to learn never again to see ourselves through theirs. That is the essence of internal, versus external, locus of control.</p><p></p><p>Seeing ourselves through our own eyes, and never through theirs again.</p><p></p><p>That is harder than it sounds, but there is no finer feeling than reclaiming ourselves in this way, New Leaf.</p><p></p><p>That is the essence of it: What happened to you was wrong. In a better world, such things would never happen, not to you and not to me and not to anyone, not ever. <em>Because what happened was wrong, you never have to believe it again and there is not anyone, there is no one at all ever again, who can make you believe those wrong things about yourself or anyone else.</em></p><p></p><p>But we need to be very brave to do that, to stand up to the horrible things our abusers taught us were our secret truths.</p><p></p><p>They were wrong, Leafy.</p><p></p><p>All along, all those years, every morning of your life...they were wrong.</p><p></p><p>Now, you reclaim yourself.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You are naming yourself, Leafy. Nothing to do with them.</p><p></p><p>That's why. You win.</p><p></p><p>Nothing to do with them.</p><p></p><p>Each of us has to do this for him or her self.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry, Leafy...but your people will fight you. Our families are not okay, Leafy. That is why we go into denial. </p><p></p><p>Our families of origin are not okay.</p><p></p><p>We believed that if we hoped and believed and held faith that we could all pull through this together and have that dinner I am forever posting about. That is the nature of my denial. That is what I sacrificed for and believed in and still cannot give up for once and for all. </p><p></p><p>Whatever it is for you, that will be why you have sacrificed yourself to their interests. Whatever dream you hold about your family of origin, that is what you (and I do too) need to understand, to somehow come to terms with never having.</p><p></p><p>Ever.</p><p></p><p>If they could have given us what we needed, they would have.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>I want family the way I know people around me have family. I know such incredible things as healthy families exist because I see them, with my own two eyes, all the time. </p><p></p><p>But pretending what we have is okay because we are working toward and believing in something that does not yet exist is lying, Leafy. I lie to myself about that possible good thing that could happen for me. But it is never going to happen, or I wold not have been hurt as I have in the first place.</p><p></p><p>That is why this is so hard.</p><p></p><p>That is what I mean when I post that quote: What of him who has nothing? He will lose what he has.</p><p></p><p>And once we lose what we have, Leafy?</p><p></p><p>We are free.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>In families like ours, where there are undercurrents we will never in a million years see the value of, we are being hurt or manipulated or used to justify someone else's power position. Or something. We are never going to get it, or understand it. According to my D H last night, we are not going to win. There is no win. The sacrifice is the sacrifice and they will need another, tomorrow. They will be looking for new blood, for someone to ally with and against and it will never stop.</p><p></p><p>So, we need to stay present. We need to stay steady state. If you are upset by what you find as you come through Leafy, remind yourself to stay steady state.</p><p></p><p>That was helpful to me.</p><p></p><p>Do not allow hatred.</p><p></p><p>No blaming.</p><p></p><p>Anger is fine. Naming what happened is fine. Hatred or blaming will destroy us. I read that somewhere yesterday. Not in those words, but in these: Stare into the abyss and the abyss stares into you.</p><p></p><p>It was a Nietzsche quote, more beautifully written than what I wrote above. </p><p></p><p>Here you go, Leafy:</p><p></p><p><img src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/btFTy48KhMk/maxresdefault.jpg" alt="" class="fr-fic fr-dii fr-draggable " style="" /> </p><p></p><p>Nietzsche also said that we love breathing because love comes first.</p><p></p><p>Love comes first. Making ions from nothing and doing all kinds of other things and I know that you know that. </p><p></p><p>Love came first.</p><p></p><p>That is how we know you are meant to heal, and so am I.</p><p></p><p>Because love was, first.</p><p></p><p>Then, came the hurt.</p><p></p><p>We are meant to be whole.</p><p></p><p>Love came first.</p><p></p><p>Damaged, not defective.</p><p></p><p>Love came first.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I'm sorry, Leafy. Your people are the ones who hurt you in the first place. Your healing has nothing to do with them. If they were able to give you what you need, they would already have done so. Know how I know that? Because love came first. It is a Universal Law I think, probably. Know they love you the best they can. Know also Leafy that you love them the best <em>you</em> can.</p><p></p><p>Then, do better.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Would you like to discuss how their thinking hurts you, Leafy? In my Family of Origin, that is the heart of the game. Jealousy, judgment that would never be even a potential behavior continuum in a healthy family, exclusion and favoritism and the whole, rotten gamut of emotional and personal and ethical and moral and physical betrayal. </p><p></p><p>We are anonymous here, Leafy. </p><p></p><p>We can work through what we need to with one another and come through it.</p><p></p><p>Our lives are as we have created them to be, Leafy. Whether we find joy there or feel we have let ourselves down, that is our business to determine. It has nothing to do with our families of origin. If there is that kind of judgment there <em>and if you feel the sting of it</em> then you are seeing your life through their eyes. That is the wrongness. Not what they do Leafy, but what you allow.</p><p></p><p>Your life is precious, Leafy. Just to breathe, just to be, that is so lucky, lucky a fortunate thing to have happened to any of us and there is no possible way our living and being alive could be construed as pathetic.</p><p></p><p>Stop listening to that negative tape.</p><p></p><p>This is a good beginning.</p><p></p><p>That is a wrong tape, hissing away.</p><p></p><p>Now that you know? You never have to listen, again.</p><p></p><p>It was a lie the first time you heard it and it is a lie, today.</p><p></p><p>Out it goes.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>When we know better, we do better. For sure this is true, this true thing that Maya taught us. If you envision Maya Angelou listening to the voice speaking those terrible words that your life is pathetic Leafy <em>what is the expression on Maya's face? What does she think of your family of origin for speaking such stupid, pointless, obscenely evil words of something so beautiful as your life into the tiny, shell pink ears of that little girl that was you?</em></p><p></p><p>BOOM</p><p></p><p>You will be free of that one.</p><p></p><p>There will be others.</p><p></p><p>Take all the time you need. There will be gratitude where before there was that wickedly evil word: pathetic</p><p></p><p>That was a lie.</p><p></p><p>Like all lies, there is no truth to be found in it, no matter how many times you turn it over. Its only purpose was to hurt, was to do murder.</p><p></p><p>Out it goes.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 675089, member: 17461"] If you read earlier posts from our beginning time here, you will find posts for each of us where we needed to decide who the liar was. Was it myself, or...could it be that my mother told lies? It was an impossible place. It was like the Lion and the Tin Man and the Scarecrow confronting the witch's keep to save Dorothy. To save Dorothy. That is why you are engaging yourself at this level, Leafy. To save Dorothy. She is who matters. We are anonymous here, and so are you. No one knows you, no one knows your mother or your sibs. This anonymity guarantees safety and a safe place to heal. You are not bad, Leafy. You are Leafy. Good and bad, and trying to know how to live a life, like everyone. Like me, too. Like Serenity and Copa and all of us. Doing the best we know, and failing sometimes and coming through sometimes and continuing on because we have committed to saving Dorothy. Some bad things happened to me Leafy. The worst bad thing was learning to see myself through my abuser's eyes. It was not the other things. It was the truth of who I was, through the eyes of my abuser. The essence of what we are doing here (to me, anyway) on FOO Chronicles is learning to see our abusers through our eyes, and to learn never again to see ourselves through theirs. That is the essence of internal, versus external, locus of control. Seeing ourselves through our own eyes, and never through theirs again. That is harder than it sounds, but there is no finer feeling than reclaiming ourselves in this way, New Leaf. That is the essence of it: What happened to you was wrong. In a better world, such things would never happen, not to you and not to me and not to anyone, not ever. [I]Because what happened was wrong, you never have to believe it again and there is not anyone, there is no one at all ever again, who can make you believe those wrong things about yourself or anyone else.[/I] But we need to be very brave to do that, to stand up to the horrible things our abusers taught us were our secret truths. They were wrong, Leafy. All along, all those years, every morning of your life...they were wrong. Now, you reclaim yourself. You are naming yourself, Leafy. Nothing to do with them. That's why. You win. Nothing to do with them. Each of us has to do this for him or her self. I'm so sorry, Leafy...but your people will fight you. Our families are not okay, Leafy. That is why we go into denial. Our families of origin are not okay. We believed that if we hoped and believed and held faith that we could all pull through this together and have that dinner I am forever posting about. That is the nature of my denial. That is what I sacrificed for and believed in and still cannot give up for once and for all. Whatever it is for you, that will be why you have sacrificed yourself to their interests. Whatever dream you hold about your family of origin, that is what you (and I do too) need to understand, to somehow come to terms with never having. Ever. If they could have given us what we needed, they would have. *** I want family the way I know people around me have family. I know such incredible things as healthy families exist because I see them, with my own two eyes, all the time. But pretending what we have is okay because we are working toward and believing in something that does not yet exist is lying, Leafy. I lie to myself about that possible good thing that could happen for me. But it is never going to happen, or I wold not have been hurt as I have in the first place. That is why this is so hard. That is what I mean when I post that quote: What of him who has nothing? He will lose what he has. And once we lose what we have, Leafy? We are free. *** In families like ours, where there are undercurrents we will never in a million years see the value of, we are being hurt or manipulated or used to justify someone else's power position. Or something. We are never going to get it, or understand it. According to my D H last night, we are not going to win. There is no win. The sacrifice is the sacrifice and they will need another, tomorrow. They will be looking for new blood, for someone to ally with and against and it will never stop. So, we need to stay present. We need to stay steady state. If you are upset by what you find as you come through Leafy, remind yourself to stay steady state. That was helpful to me. Do not allow hatred. No blaming. Anger is fine. Naming what happened is fine. Hatred or blaming will destroy us. I read that somewhere yesterday. Not in those words, but in these: Stare into the abyss and the abyss stares into you. It was a Nietzsche quote, more beautifully written than what I wrote above. Here you go, Leafy: [IMG]https://i.ytimg.com/vi/btFTy48KhMk/maxresdefault.jpg[/IMG] Nietzsche also said that we love breathing because love comes first. Love comes first. Making ions from nothing and doing all kinds of other things and I know that you know that. Love came first. That is how we know you are meant to heal, and so am I. Because love was, first. Then, came the hurt. We are meant to be whole. Love came first. Damaged, not defective. Love came first. I'm sorry, Leafy. Your people are the ones who hurt you in the first place. Your healing has nothing to do with them. If they were able to give you what you need, they would already have done so. Know how I know that? Because love came first. It is a Universal Law I think, probably. Know they love you the best they can. Know also Leafy that you love them the best [I]you[/I] can. Then, do better. Would you like to discuss how their thinking hurts you, Leafy? In my Family of Origin, that is the heart of the game. Jealousy, judgment that would never be even a potential behavior continuum in a healthy family, exclusion and favoritism and the whole, rotten gamut of emotional and personal and ethical and moral and physical betrayal. We are anonymous here, Leafy. We can work through what we need to with one another and come through it. Our lives are as we have created them to be, Leafy. Whether we find joy there or feel we have let ourselves down, that is our business to determine. It has nothing to do with our families of origin. If there is that kind of judgment there [I]and if you feel the sting of it[/I] then you are seeing your life through their eyes. That is the wrongness. Not what they do Leafy, but what you allow. Your life is precious, Leafy. Just to breathe, just to be, that is so lucky, lucky a fortunate thing to have happened to any of us and there is no possible way our living and being alive could be construed as pathetic. Stop listening to that negative tape. This is a good beginning. That is a wrong tape, hissing away. Now that you know? You never have to listen, again. It was a lie the first time you heard it and it is a lie, today. Out it goes. *** When we know better, we do better. For sure this is true, this true thing that Maya taught us. If you envision Maya Angelou listening to the voice speaking those terrible words that your life is pathetic Leafy [I]what is the expression on Maya's face? What does she think of your family of origin for speaking such stupid, pointless, obscenely evil words of something so beautiful as your life into the tiny, shell pink ears of that little girl that was you?[/I] BOOM You will be free of that one. There will be others. Take all the time you need. There will be gratitude where before there was that wickedly evil word: pathetic That was a lie. Like all lies, there is no truth to be found in it, no matter how many times you turn it over. Its only purpose was to hurt, was to do murder. Out it goes. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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