Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
Healing Toxic Shame
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 666050" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>From the first blogsite listed:</p><p></p><p>When you are a shame-based person, you are so ashamed of who you are, so humiliated and hateful of everything about yourself, that all your actions become oriented towards a few all-consuming goals: trying not to feel shame (impossible); and trying to hide the shame you feel, both from the world and from your own conscious mind.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Major toxic shame is caused by abusive childhoods. This can be sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, or abuse at the hands of an addicted, psychologically damaged, or neglecting parent. Most often, it happens when the child’s guardian is a shame-based person passing his own shame along unknowingly to his child.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>As toxic shame internalizes, comments by non-shaming people will begin to make you feel shame as well. You have learned that it’s not okay to be human, to be you, to be imperfect. Once that is internalized, innocuous comments like, “Oh, I would have thought to go with the red shoes with that outfit,” can make you burn with shame. Your mind has learned that there is something wrong with you, and that mistakes are not okay. It has developed a fear that others will see that truth too, and your private humiliation will become public. An inner monologue develops to respond to these shaming incidents, and keep you in line. “You should have worn the red shoes, you idiot. God, you can’t even dress yourself,” the voice says. The voice assumes at all times that you are wrong or not good enough. Eventually, you will not even need the innocuous comments of outsiders to make you feel shame. This voice will do it for you, criticizing each thing you do until there is no action you can take that won’t make you feel shame.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Instead, the child’s mind does the only thing it can: it protects its Self against the damage, locking it away safely. In shame-based people, the Self is unreachable, protected by a fortress that cuts it out of contact. This means it is impossible to realize your gift as long as you carry shame, but it’s also a massive, incredible blessing, because it means that your Self has not been reached by the shaming voice. Carrying toxic shame does not mean you have lost the opportunity to bless the world with your gift, or to be a happy, healthy, productive person. All that is still in you, locked away and protected. Your job is to clear out the toxic shame in your mind until it’s safe for the True Self to come back out.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>He describes it in <em>Healing the Shame that Binds You</em> (from which nearly all the information in this series comes): “To be shame-bound means that whenever you feel any feeling, need or drive, you immediately feel ashamed.” What you feel ashamed about is not something you’ve done, but who you are.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>As I mentioned in the previous article, toxic shame likes to hide in the subconscious. Once internalized there, the hate and scorn one feels for oneself causes ruptures to occur within the self; parts of the personality are rejected or cut off.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>I am reluctant to continue quoting this excellent site without permission from the author. Her descriptions are clear, and heartbreakingly real. </p><p></p><p>I believe that, for each of us determined to address and heal the shame we carry, this writer's blog will be an excellent resource.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 666050, member: 17461"] From the first blogsite listed: When you are a shame-based person, you are so ashamed of who you are, so humiliated and hateful of everything about yourself, that all your actions become oriented towards a few all-consuming goals: trying not to feel shame (impossible); and trying to hide the shame you feel, both from the world and from your own conscious mind. *** Major toxic shame is caused by abusive childhoods. This can be sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, or abuse at the hands of an addicted, psychologically damaged, or neglecting parent. Most often, it happens when the child’s guardian is a shame-based person passing his own shame along unknowingly to his child. *** As toxic shame internalizes, comments by non-shaming people will begin to make you feel shame as well. You have learned that it’s not okay to be human, to be you, to be imperfect. Once that is internalized, innocuous comments like, “Oh, I would have thought to go with the red shoes with that outfit,” can make you burn with shame. Your mind has learned that there is something wrong with you, and that mistakes are not okay. It has developed a fear that others will see that truth too, and your private humiliation will become public. An inner monologue develops to respond to these shaming incidents, and keep you in line. “You should have worn the red shoes, you idiot. God, you can’t even dress yourself,” the voice says. The voice assumes at all times that you are wrong or not good enough. Eventually, you will not even need the innocuous comments of outsiders to make you feel shame. This voice will do it for you, criticizing each thing you do until there is no action you can take that won’t make you feel shame. *** Instead, the child’s mind does the only thing it can: it protects its Self against the damage, locking it away safely. In shame-based people, the Self is unreachable, protected by a fortress that cuts it out of contact. This means it is impossible to realize your gift as long as you carry shame, but it’s also a massive, incredible blessing, because it means that your Self has not been reached by the shaming voice. Carrying toxic shame does not mean you have lost the opportunity to bless the world with your gift, or to be a happy, healthy, productive person. All that is still in you, locked away and protected. Your job is to clear out the toxic shame in your mind until it’s safe for the True Self to come back out. *** He describes it in [I]Healing the Shame that Binds You[/I] (from which nearly all the information in this series comes): “To be shame-bound means that whenever you feel any feeling, need or drive, you immediately feel ashamed.” What you feel ashamed about is not something you’ve done, but who you are. *** As I mentioned in the previous article, toxic shame likes to hide in the subconscious. Once internalized there, the hate and scorn one feels for oneself causes ruptures to occur within the self; parts of the personality are rejected or cut off. *** I am reluctant to continue quoting this excellent site without permission from the author. Her descriptions are clear, and heartbreakingly real. I believe that, for each of us determined to address and heal the shame we carry, this writer's blog will be an excellent resource. Cedar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
Healing Toxic Shame
Top