Healthy distance

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by newstart, Sep 7, 2018.

  1. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    I have not seen much of my daughter since she started her full time job plus still running her spa. I have noticed a few things since I have not spent time with my daughter. I still talk with her on the phone. Since I have not spend much time with her~
    ~ I have a lot more energy and in good spirits.
    ~My nerves are calm and I eat healthy foods.
    ~My mind does not go bonkers trying to piece meal the lies together to try to make sense of what my daughter is trying to tell me.
    ~I noticed my skin looks so much better and my rash is almost gone.
    ~The lies are still coming over the phone, the amount is alarming yet I feel I have a safe distance..
    ~My sleep is so much better, deep and peaceful.
    It is still as she calls to suck me dry and fill me with BS. But I can get off the phone quickly and not feel guilty.. Listening to the BS on the phone is easier than if she was with me.
    I realize I miss and grieve for what could have been, how deeply sad it is to want a strong healthy connection with my daughter and know that all she wants from me is to use me.
    The freedom I feel from not having to listen to complete bull S or how behind on her bills she is or about how sick her period is making her or all the other one million complaints that she tries to toxify my system with. There is a good life out there to be had.
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  2. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    Thanks for sharing i know the feeling as well.
  3. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    I’m so glad you are finding a place of peace!
  4. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    I have been feeling progressive and grounded. This afternoon my daughter wanted to have a meal with my husband and me, she invited herself over. My daughter has some sort of sinus drainage but I can tell she makes more noise than nessessary, trying to worry me. She promised to buy me a special gift, I do not want to hear about promised gifts that don't come. She told me some BS story about her spa. The weird thing is that when I watched her walk and talk, she imitated her 1/2 a** boyfriend to the T, walked his walk and tried to talk like him, this is not the first time she has become someone else, it is always very disturbing to watch, almost like she is not there and takes another persona. I talked gentle with her and then slowly she returned to herself. Since she was here I feel weary and tearful, even thought our visit was successful, meaning we had a nice dinner and I gave her a few things, and she thanked me. The entire time my husband did not say anything, worked on some home projects and ignored her making her a bit more nervous. After she left he was looking and acting weird. Our daughter sucks us dry even when she is trying to be nice. She is draining emotionally, spiritually and finacially. I know she will have another busy week ahead of her. I love her deeply, this situation is so sad.
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Newstart,through reading about personality disorders and dealing with a daughter in law who has one, your daughters behavior is actually possibly explainable, that is if you understand and believe about what are called cluster B personality disorders, especially borderline which your daughter resembles.

    Borderlines have a very poor sense of self so they depend on others to give them personalities and do often resemble whoever they are currently living with. They also tend ro pick up attitudes, beliefs and the politics of their nearest person because they dont know who they are. They borrow from others, even speech and posture etc. Often they change their persona with each relationship they have, but they still do not have a strong self identity. They may change who they are day to day however, being nice one day, vile another because borderlines cant control their emotions either. This a disorder of chaos, drama and instability. Doctors often misdiagnose it as bipolar, but bipolar is mu h easier to treat and bipolars do not necessarily have no sense of self or meanness. And medications are very effective. Borderlines can be sweet one day, vile the next. medications dont stabilize this disorder. Dbt therapy is helpful. There is hope if she ever asks for it and if you think she may have this and may find DBT helpful.

    I just offered that up as a possible explanation for why she suddenly started walking and talking like her 1/2 arsed partner.

    I am sorry that your daughter cant give you what you want the most. It is very sad especially because you lost your son. But I do think there is lots of hope for YOU to live a wonderful rest of your life.

    Love and light!
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2018
  6. overcome mom

    overcome mom Member

    I know what you mean about feeling so much better when contact is less. Every time my phone goes off my heart rate jumps just thinking it's my son. It has definitely helped my peace of mind knowing I don't have to answer the phone. Lately I have only been texting. I don't ask questions if I can help it as then I have more information to focus on and worry about possible outcomes. He always texts the minimum words he can. If I don't ask to many questions then I don't have to sort through the lies. Sounds like you are doing the best you can with the situation.
  7. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    This is my daughter - diagnosed borderline in her teens. It is very disorienting to live with. And it does suck you dry. I find I have to keep a little bit of distance in order to preserve my own mental health. I’m glad to hear you’re still feeling grounded, and have had some positive interactions with her.
  8. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Hi SWOT, During therapy she also had DBT therapy. It may have helped some and I believe she has used it. I think my daughter has other things besides bipolar or borderline, she also has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and trichotillomania (hair pulling) with all that going on, the one thing I have put an end to is her belligerence towards me. No way was that going to be part of my future. Just that one visit has my emotions all over the place again. Love and Light back to you.
  9. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Hi overcome mom and welcome. Yes, shifting through the lies gets really tiresome and glad you don't always answer your phone. When my daughter gets really bad I just text because I don't want to hear the non stop lies. It breaks our momma hearts to have a child off track. I wish you much strength and wisdom.
  10. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Hi Elsi, Yes you have that right, it is very disorienting to live with. I am grateful that my daughter does not live with me, my nerves and soul could not take the constant drama. I did feel grounded since I had not seen her for a while but then her having lunch with us threw my emotions back into overdrive because I had to sit through the lies and her acting like her 1/2 a** boyfriend. I thought to myself, who is this person that is over? Where is my daughter? I am sorry you are on this heavy road with the rest of us.
  11. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    It’s not easy! S has the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)/Borderline (BPD) combination also, along with anxiety and depression. All these diagnoses seem to stack up on top of each other, don’t they? I’m also relieved to have my challenging ones out of the house. Though it’s hard to not feel bad about that, when I know how rough their lives are. I feel guilty for how relieved I am to have them out now. But I also feel like I’ve served my time, with all the drama we had during their teen years!
  12. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Yes Elsi, We have served our time. Last spring my daughter asked me if she could move back in, no way would I let that happen. I deserve to have a peaceful haven, my husband is a kind soul, my cats are sweet and I can't have the contant BS drama that my daughter has in her life. I felt bad about it but I have done all plus some. There are many people out there that live good decent lives that have many disorders. I bet I have spent over 1 millions dollars on therapy for my daughter, I am burned out from her not taking the bull by the horns but now I am a bit better at getting a bit more detached. It has taken me along time and a lot of grief. I can feel the turn in my heart and I can feel genuine detachment happening, it is a blessing to feel this deep in my heart, I know it is a process and it takes a lot of patience, wisdom, help from the Holy Ghost but it can happen..There is so much deep sadness that goes with this process.