Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
COM's thread Highchair Tyrants helped balance me out this morning. I decided to post about this anyway, because I am wavering between guilt and confusion about what the right thing is. In answering Esri's post, I got a little clearer, too.
difficult child daughter is unhappy.
That is what it boils down to, if I think about it.
And when I cut through that immediate leap I leap into when one of my kids sounds defeated/unhappy/angry, what I got was that the thing my 40 year old child most needs from me is to believe she is bright and strong enough to handle her own life.
She does not need me encouraging dependence on her parents.
I felt better, once I got all that straight. It was like being popped back into the old days, though. She isn't really asking for anything, though she made it clear that the ex husband's grandmother is sending her money. And that the ex husband's grandmother has offered to come and get her ~ though she just had heart surgery and shouldn't be driving.
Which made me feel like we should be sending money.
Or, buying her a car, because she doesn't have one.
I suggested finding part time work in the evenings, once the ex husband is home from work.
I asked whether she had begun writing about her experiences while homeless. We had talked about her doing that at one point, to create a focus for her apart from her life with the kids.
In the interests of helping her to believe she is bright and strong enough, I said I was upset that they would not be here for the 4th of July.
Her response was that we could still pay for all of them to fly up. Which we have done, in the past.
So, I was wavering a little more. I was feeling a little more like I was making choices I was going to regret. I wondered whether I was deceiving myself into ignoring my own daughter and her problems with all my thinking about wanting her to believe she was bright and strong enough to create her own life.
All this fits into the ego place on COM's thread, and it was helpful to me to read that, this morning.
Then, difficult child daughter said the ex husband had run into the room and pushed her onto the floor, and all she could think about was protecting her head.
And then I was tumbled into that place where I can't think, can't breathe.
But I still didn't offer to come and get her.
I told difficult child I would let her go for now, but that I would call to check in with her later this morning.
The line was busy.
And I am better, clearer now...but it has been a rough morning for us.
Cedar
difficult child daughter is unhappy.
That is what it boils down to, if I think about it.
And when I cut through that immediate leap I leap into when one of my kids sounds defeated/unhappy/angry, what I got was that the thing my 40 year old child most needs from me is to believe she is bright and strong enough to handle her own life.
She does not need me encouraging dependence on her parents.
I felt better, once I got all that straight. It was like being popped back into the old days, though. She isn't really asking for anything, though she made it clear that the ex husband's grandmother is sending her money. And that the ex husband's grandmother has offered to come and get her ~ though she just had heart surgery and shouldn't be driving.
Which made me feel like we should be sending money.
Or, buying her a car, because she doesn't have one.
I suggested finding part time work in the evenings, once the ex husband is home from work.
I asked whether she had begun writing about her experiences while homeless. We had talked about her doing that at one point, to create a focus for her apart from her life with the kids.
In the interests of helping her to believe she is bright and strong enough, I said I was upset that they would not be here for the 4th of July.
Her response was that we could still pay for all of them to fly up. Which we have done, in the past.
So, I was wavering a little more. I was feeling a little more like I was making choices I was going to regret. I wondered whether I was deceiving myself into ignoring my own daughter and her problems with all my thinking about wanting her to believe she was bright and strong enough to create her own life.
All this fits into the ego place on COM's thread, and it was helpful to me to read that, this morning.
Then, difficult child daughter said the ex husband had run into the room and pushed her onto the floor, and all she could think about was protecting her head.
And then I was tumbled into that place where I can't think, can't breathe.
But I still didn't offer to come and get her.
I told difficult child I would let her go for now, but that I would call to check in with her later this morning.
The line was busy.
And I am better, clearer now...but it has been a rough morning for us.
Cedar