Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Healthy perspective on relating to our adult kids
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 629763" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Oh boy.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That is a manipulation. </p><p></p><p><u>Translation</u>:</p><p><em></em></p><p><em>"This poor old infirmed grandmother who is in need of medical attention is giving me money, even offered to come and get me........and you Mom, you are so selfish and mean, you would allow that instead of just giving me what I want."</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>"</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><u>Translation:</u></p><p></p><p>"<em>Mom is wavering, get in there with some well planned sighs, or something, anything, which will get Mom to pay for us ALL to come down for July 4th Not just ME, ALL OF US."</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><u>Translation:</u></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>"Mom is not falling in to my usual traps, so I'd best remind her of how hurt I was when I was beaten up, and remind her that SHE is <u>COMPLETELY RESPONSIBLE FOR ME should I fall and hurt my damaged head."</u></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p>I hope you've continued breathing and thinking because mental illness, substance abuse, or NOT, she is manipulating you to get what she wants. You do not owe her a trip, a car, money or anything. She is a 40 year old woman and if she can't get a job or write her memoirs then she can't make the trip to see you on your dime, she already has the ex husband and his grandmother taking care of all of her needs. You DO NOT have to step in AT ALL. </p><p></p><p> I'm so sorry Cedar, you don't deserve this. I know exactly how you are feeling, the FOG set in and it's so hard to get out of it. You did a good job in not offering ANYTHING. There is NOTHING YOU NEED TO DO. Your daughter is throwing out all of her needs and wants to see what you will give her. DON'T GIVE HER ANYTHING. She is not in the hospital. She is not on deaths door. She is not in need. She wants a free trip and some pocket money. She is 40 years old Cedar. Our kids are approaching middle age. They are capable of making the right choices, they simply choose to make the easiest ones. DON'T BE FOOLED. </p><p></p><p>Talk to your husband and begin to recognize the manipulations. You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for your adult children. I have to say this to myself now a lot with my granddaughter whose list of "requirements" for college would require I continue working for another decade............when the requests first come in I go in to the FOG too, fighting what I think I should do with what I know is ridiculous.........but that internal battle rages on. I get out of the FOG by talking to my SO who is not at all invested in any of it and he gives me a reality check. As soon as I can hear another point of view, I can pop out, but that initial hit is a direct blow to me and I need time to recoup from it. I am still too vulnerable to all of it to not slip back into the abyss. But I know I am hanging on the edge of a cliff by the awful way I feel. It is no longer an automatic response, but the new behavior isn't cemented in yet, so I need to just REFRAIN like you did and retreat to get my bearings and then Im okay. I hope you are okay now. </p><p></p><p>This is a difficult stage Cedar, but I think it's a necessary one so that we get good at saying NO, so that we are comfortable with saying NO, so that it is a natural response to say NO. How are you doing now that some time has passed? Has your daughter pushed on? </p><p></p><p>Sending you warm good thoughts for your serenity and comfort...............hugs to you my friend.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 629763, member: 13542"] Oh boy. That is a manipulation. [U]Translation[/U]: [I] "This poor old infirmed grandmother who is in need of medical attention is giving me money, even offered to come and get me........and you Mom, you are so selfish and mean, you would allow that instead of just giving me what I want." " [/I] [U]Translation:[/U] "[I]Mom is wavering, get in there with some well planned sighs, or something, anything, which will get Mom to pay for us ALL to come down for July 4th Not just ME, ALL OF US." [/I] [U]Translation:[/U] [I] "Mom is not falling in to my usual traps, so I'd best remind her of how hurt I was when I was beaten up, and remind her that SHE is [U]COMPLETELY RESPONSIBLE FOR ME should I fall and hurt my damaged head."[/U] [/I] I hope you've continued breathing and thinking because mental illness, substance abuse, or NOT, she is manipulating you to get what she wants. You do not owe her a trip, a car, money or anything. She is a 40 year old woman and if she can't get a job or write her memoirs then she can't make the trip to see you on your dime, she already has the ex husband and his grandmother taking care of all of her needs. You DO NOT have to step in AT ALL. I'm so sorry Cedar, you don't deserve this. I know exactly how you are feeling, the FOG set in and it's so hard to get out of it. You did a good job in not offering ANYTHING. There is NOTHING YOU NEED TO DO. Your daughter is throwing out all of her needs and wants to see what you will give her. DON'T GIVE HER ANYTHING. She is not in the hospital. She is not on deaths door. She is not in need. She wants a free trip and some pocket money. She is 40 years old Cedar. Our kids are approaching middle age. They are capable of making the right choices, they simply choose to make the easiest ones. DON'T BE FOOLED. Talk to your husband and begin to recognize the manipulations. You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for your adult children. I have to say this to myself now a lot with my granddaughter whose list of "requirements" for college would require I continue working for another decade............when the requests first come in I go in to the FOG too, fighting what I think I should do with what I know is ridiculous.........but that internal battle rages on. I get out of the FOG by talking to my SO who is not at all invested in any of it and he gives me a reality check. As soon as I can hear another point of view, I can pop out, but that initial hit is a direct blow to me and I need time to recoup from it. I am still too vulnerable to all of it to not slip back into the abyss. But I know I am hanging on the edge of a cliff by the awful way I feel. It is no longer an automatic response, but the new behavior isn't cemented in yet, so I need to just REFRAIN like you did and retreat to get my bearings and then Im okay. I hope you are okay now. This is a difficult stage Cedar, but I think it's a necessary one so that we get good at saying NO, so that we are comfortable with saying NO, so that it is a natural response to say NO. How are you doing now that some time has passed? Has your daughter pushed on? Sending you warm good thoughts for your serenity and comfort...............hugs to you my friend. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Healthy perspective on relating to our adult kids
Top