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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 629835" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>So, this post is a little disorganized. Janet, I was so horrified at what happened to you when you were just a baby, yourself. But, because dealing with these things with the kids and choosing "do nothing" always pops me into this really bad, accusatory place, I felt like my response was too ~ I don't know. Kind of too stupid to send, I suppose. This morning I feel better. </p><p></p><p>Like in On Golden Pond, when Henry Fonda is dying and Katherine Hepburn is crying? And Henry comes back to life and says: "I think...I think I'm feeling better, now."</p><p></p><p>Yeah.</p><p></p><p>That's me, this morning. </p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>What in the world was your mom thinking?!? </p><p></p><p>That's such a sad thing, Janet. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I wish you'd been able to hurt that bad man back. And to think, you were only twenty; just a baby, a precious baby, yourself.</p><p></p><p>A good piece of...? Well, for Heaven's sake!</p><p></p><p>I wish it were legal to hunt down and shoot a rapist. Dirty, thieving criminals, preying on those they should protect.</p><p></p><p>I hate that that happened, to you.</p><p></p><p>**********************</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It does feel awful.</p><p></p><p>It makes me feel crazied.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>To turn away from our heartfelt reactions, to do the exact opposite thing than our instincts are telling us we must do, does open our psyches to all kinds of blaming and accusation and old, old business that is still, apparently, unresolved.</p><p></p><p>Even though I know that intellectually, it is almost impossible to stand up in there.</p><p></p><p>Running away was an option, thank Heaven. So, I took it. We always need to remember to give ourselves that gift of time. Just to not be on the phone anymore was such a godsend.</p><p></p><p>It was so awful, to feel that way.</p><p></p><p>I could just cry for myself, for all of us and our poor, messed up kids.</p><p></p><p>Today, I am better.</p><p></p><p>Today, my daughter is better. I talked to her early this morning.</p><p></p><p>STAYING STRONG, BELIEVING SHE IS STRONG ENOUGH, WAS THE RIGHT THING.</p><p></p><p>So, in a way, I came this close to starting the entire cycle all over, again. Had I given in to those feelings, had I sent money, had I done one little thing, we would have been back in it, again.</p><p></p><p>Close call.</p><p></p><p>I feel like I won the battle (with myself and for my daughter) but boy, I am tired, today.</p><p></p><p>The other grandmother is sending money. Her thinking (according to difficult child daughter) is that difficult child could use the money, a little for herself, and the rest to renew one of the two teaching licenses she has let lapse. (Different states. Each of which we paid for, more than once ~ along with driver's license, court fees....)</p><p></p><p>husband and I were talking about that, last night, before we knew the other grandmother was sending money. $1000 cash to difficult child daughter, last Fall, and the male who, after spending time in our home, after taking our money...then beat difficult child nearly to death.</p><p></p><p>It is a confusing thing, to be the mom and the grandmother.</p><p></p><p>I sound sort of dopey. I am serious as the day is long.</p><p></p><p>I feel rootless; it seems to matter very much what I choose to do. It is very, very hard to do nothing. But...doing something didn't work out very well, either.</p><p></p><p>I am pretty much wherever I am with all this. I think it is helpful to post about what it feels like. Each of us will have her own day like this one has been.</p><p></p><p>Hang on.</p><p></p><p>Detaching, believing the kids will pull through it, believing they are bright and strong enough to do that, is the right thing.</p><p></p><p>But it's really hard.</p><p></p><p>I feel like I've run a marathon.</p><p></p><p>It is so helpful to post it, here.</p><p></p><p></p><p>********************</p><p></p><p>SO, THIS IS IN RESPONSE TO JANET'S POST FROM YESTERDAY.</p><p></p><p>My post this morning is a little disorganized, a little loopy, just like me.</p><p></p><p>I hear what you are telling me about wanting your parents to believe you were strong and happy and making it just fine. I think I need an attitude adjustment. If I could respond as though my daughter were strong enough, if I could respond as though she were doing really well, given the situation just a year ago, she would feel stronger, too. </p><p></p><p>It seemed like that wasn't working. I just crumbled right back into the old ways.</p><p></p><p>Guilt is a strange thing. There is the real horror of what has happened, to our daughter and to all of us. I really do believe enabling has been a piece of how this happened to all of us, and I am determined, not only to stop enabling, but to present the kids to themselves through the eyes of a mother who believes in and expects respect for and from, her children.</p><p></p><p>("Good luck with that one.", a tiny little piece of me says...you failed.)</p><p></p><p>And all I can do is continue, with determined intent, following the course of action which I believe in.</p><p></p><p>It's a very lonely place.</p><p></p><p>********************</p><p></p><p>So, I read Recovering's post about her daughter and grandchild. </p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Detachment rocks.</p><p></p><p>Had Recovering buckled any of the myriad of times she was presented with choosing this new, untried way or buckling to the pressure of the old, failed ways, her story would be very different, today.</p><p></p><p>Thank you, Recovering, for that post.</p><p></p><p>It's like, I know detachment, with its core belief that the kids are strong enough, are bright and determined enough, is the right way. I KNOW IT IS. I see now how harmful it is to enable, how enabling fosters that belief that your own children are inept. I see now how continual enabling, along with the resentment and the sort of riding above the kids that goes hand in glove with it, erodes respect, and self respect, for all of us.</p><p></p><p>But it is still so impossibly difficult to stand in the fire of the "no".</p><p></p><p>And the only solution I know is to stand in it.</p><p></p><p>Just stand right there in it.</p><p></p><p>Interesting to note that standing right there in it echoes through all aspects of self. I just don't know how to be who that person is who does not help.</p><p></p><p>I look ugly to myself, I feel pretty ugly, feel stupid and cheated.</p><p></p><p>Good Lord, a pity party right in my own head.</p><p></p><p>But I stood there, anyway.</p><p></p><p>Good for me.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 629835, member: 17461"] So, this post is a little disorganized. Janet, I was so horrified at what happened to you when you were just a baby, yourself. But, because dealing with these things with the kids and choosing "do nothing" always pops me into this really bad, accusatory place, I felt like my response was too ~ I don't know. Kind of too stupid to send, I suppose. This morning I feel better. Like in On Golden Pond, when Henry Fonda is dying and Katherine Hepburn is crying? And Henry comes back to life and says: "I think...I think I'm feeling better, now." Yeah. That's me, this morning. :O) What in the world was your mom thinking?!? That's such a sad thing, Janet. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I wish you'd been able to hurt that bad man back. And to think, you were only twenty; just a baby, a precious baby, yourself. A good piece of...? Well, for Heaven's sake! I wish it were legal to hunt down and shoot a rapist. Dirty, thieving criminals, preying on those they should protect. I hate that that happened, to you. ********************** It does feel awful. It makes me feel crazied. To turn away from our heartfelt reactions, to do the exact opposite thing than our instincts are telling us we must do, does open our psyches to all kinds of blaming and accusation and old, old business that is still, apparently, unresolved. Even though I know that intellectually, it is almost impossible to stand up in there. Running away was an option, thank Heaven. So, I took it. We always need to remember to give ourselves that gift of time. Just to not be on the phone anymore was such a godsend. It was so awful, to feel that way. I could just cry for myself, for all of us and our poor, messed up kids. Today, I am better. Today, my daughter is better. I talked to her early this morning. STAYING STRONG, BELIEVING SHE IS STRONG ENOUGH, WAS THE RIGHT THING. So, in a way, I came this close to starting the entire cycle all over, again. Had I given in to those feelings, had I sent money, had I done one little thing, we would have been back in it, again. Close call. I feel like I won the battle (with myself and for my daughter) but boy, I am tired, today. The other grandmother is sending money. Her thinking (according to difficult child daughter) is that difficult child could use the money, a little for herself, and the rest to renew one of the two teaching licenses she has let lapse. (Different states. Each of which we paid for, more than once ~ along with driver's license, court fees....) husband and I were talking about that, last night, before we knew the other grandmother was sending money. $1000 cash to difficult child daughter, last Fall, and the male who, after spending time in our home, after taking our money...then beat difficult child nearly to death. It is a confusing thing, to be the mom and the grandmother. I sound sort of dopey. I am serious as the day is long. I feel rootless; it seems to matter very much what I choose to do. It is very, very hard to do nothing. But...doing something didn't work out very well, either. I am pretty much wherever I am with all this. I think it is helpful to post about what it feels like. Each of us will have her own day like this one has been. Hang on. Detaching, believing the kids will pull through it, believing they are bright and strong enough to do that, is the right thing. But it's really hard. I feel like I've run a marathon. It is so helpful to post it, here. ******************** SO, THIS IS IN RESPONSE TO JANET'S POST FROM YESTERDAY. My post this morning is a little disorganized, a little loopy, just like me. I hear what you are telling me about wanting your parents to believe you were strong and happy and making it just fine. I think I need an attitude adjustment. If I could respond as though my daughter were strong enough, if I could respond as though she were doing really well, given the situation just a year ago, she would feel stronger, too. It seemed like that wasn't working. I just crumbled right back into the old ways. Guilt is a strange thing. There is the real horror of what has happened, to our daughter and to all of us. I really do believe enabling has been a piece of how this happened to all of us, and I am determined, not only to stop enabling, but to present the kids to themselves through the eyes of a mother who believes in and expects respect for and from, her children. ("Good luck with that one.", a tiny little piece of me says...you failed.) And all I can do is continue, with determined intent, following the course of action which I believe in. It's a very lonely place. ******************** So, I read Recovering's post about her daughter and grandchild. :O) Detachment rocks. Had Recovering buckled any of the myriad of times she was presented with choosing this new, untried way or buckling to the pressure of the old, failed ways, her story would be very different, today. Thank you, Recovering, for that post. It's like, I know detachment, with its core belief that the kids are strong enough, are bright and determined enough, is the right way. I KNOW IT IS. I see now how harmful it is to enable, how enabling fosters that belief that your own children are inept. I see now how continual enabling, along with the resentment and the sort of riding above the kids that goes hand in glove with it, erodes respect, and self respect, for all of us. But it is still so impossibly difficult to stand in the fire of the "no". And the only solution I know is to stand in it. Just stand right there in it. Interesting to note that standing right there in it echoes through all aspects of self. I just don't know how to be who that person is who does not help. I look ugly to myself, I feel pretty ugly, feel stupid and cheated. Good Lord, a pity party right in my own head. But I stood there, anyway. Good for me. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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