Heard from difficult child

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Nancy, Mar 1, 2012.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    difficult child called husband at the office yesterday to tell him she was signing her lease at 4:00. She won't call me because she knows I'm upset about the whole thing of moving into an apartment that she cannot afford, is in a rough part of town, and she is leaving all her sober friends and the handwriting is on the wall in bold letters.

    I promised myself I was not going to check her cell phone or bank account and I've been very good about that, it just makes me upset and there's nothing I can do about it. But today I had to pay some bills on-line so when I logged into my bank account I could see her checking and savings. She has $32 in checking but she told husband she had to write a check for $950 for rent and security dep. She has $1100 in her savings. That leaves $150 and payday isn't until next Friday. Anyway I knew what she did, she wrote a check and expected it would come out of her savings. I debated what to do so I called husband to tell him and he texted her that she had to transfer money from savings to checking or it would bounce. I almost thought to just let it go and bounce and teach her a lesson, but I brushed it off on husband.

    So she called me today and asked if I was going to be home tomorrow around 6:30 pm and that she was renting a u-haul and wanted to come by and get a few things. She then asked of she could have the couch and loveseat in the basement. husband and I already talked about that and is high when she can't pay her rent or starts drinking again. On the other hand it would get it out of the basement and make it easier on us because we are trying to downsize our furnishings now that both girls are gone. So I agreed she could take the couches.

    Now comes the part I am ashamed about. I went to wallmart and bought her two floor lamps and a tv converter and antenna so she could at least watch local tv. She won't have internet but that's her problems. And the worst part is I then went to target and got her a small coffee table because she has no dining table or chairs and will have to eat on something.

    I will probably end up regretting helping her but my mommy heart feels so bad that we helped easy child move just four months ago and we are doing nothing to help her and she will literally have nothing.

    I asked who she was bringing to help move and she said her friend. I asked if her friend has a name and she said Eric. I told husband I wanted him to make sure he got home by 6:30 tomorrow so he is home when they get here.

  2. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Nancy, please please please don't be ashamed. been there done that. And I suspect our reasons were similar. I wanted my difficult child to have some semblance of a decent home. And I wanted to keep reaching out to that side of him. The side we raised properly, who ate at a table and slept in a bed-Know what I mean?? You have to reach out to the things you can support. No judgment here. {{{hugs}}}
  3. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    You're a mom. You have compassion. She's a 20yr. old. Thank God your heart isn't hardened. Look--I'm sure you donate food to the local food pantry, and if you saw a homeless person, you'd probably give them coffee and a warm meal, and they're strangers...what are you supposed to do for your own daughter?? You're not giving her money to drink or do drugs. You're not paying her rent, etc. Don't be ashamed. You're just walking the fine line between not enabling and being human.
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nancy, you did what any of us would have done. You and I both know that it will probably be left behind the next time she has to move suddenly but it made you feel good to do it right now and that is what matters.

    We can still have hope . . .

  5. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    I agree with the others. You have a good heart and you love your daughter.

    Besides, these things cannot cause her to use or help her continue to use.

    It is SO hard not to show love. It goes against our nature....almost like trying not to blink.

  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nancy...dont always think bad. She very well may keep them. Remember the AC I bought Cory? He still has it. He didnt leave it behind.
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The problem comes in Janet if she is living in her car, the stuff will be left on the curb. I don;t know how she is going to pay her rent and utilities and food.

  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Obviously you're not going to hear criticism from me, lol. Your donations will give you some peace of mind and that's more important to me than difficult children comfort. Maybe her "friend" has some money to kick in. I'm assuming he is going to her roomie and maybe he has bucks for the uhaul and the extras. by the way, your family stays in my thoughts. Hugs DDD
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Hopefully somehow she is going to figure out a way to make this apartment work... I totally understand your worries and my hope is that somehow she proves you wrong....sometimes we really hate to be right.

    As for getting her the stuff. I totally understand that. We want to show we love and support them even if we think they are being foolish... I felt that way when we got our son the last bike which I don't even want to ask him about now because I strongly suspect he sold it. I don't know about you but I think this may be even stronger with kids who were adopted, because we want them so much to really take in our love... and helping set them up in a home of their own is such a symbol of that.

    However listen to your gut feelings.... if you are feeling some shame (although I don't think you should feel shame) it is telling you something. Maybe you should hold off a couple of weeks in giving her the stuff and see how she is managing?

  10. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Look at it this way - you got the furniture out of your house - you do not have to worry about it anymore. You don't care if you ever see it again, so it is a win for you.
    As for buying a few small items for your difficult child's apartment....I would have done the same. It gives you a sense of comfort that she may actually sit home and watch a bit of TV - that means she is not out doing other stuff.

    Don't feel bad about it. You are her mom and you did what you wanted to do for her. This is not going to bring her down at all. Just make sure it is stuff you will not care if it is gone forever. Don't get upset if that TV antenna and converter box don't last 2 months in her possession. That's all.
  11. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh, it will probably be left on the curb. My difficult child has left two new mattress sets behind, two different couches, a kitchen table and chairs, pots & pans, etc.

    But the important thing is that you did it out of love even knowing her history and the fact that it will probably happen again.

    We do it because we are moms and love them in spite of it all. :beautifulthing:

  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank you for understanding. I did have to decide that I may never see any of this stuff again. I'm ok with it, the only thing that I would be upset about is the couches, we bought them for the basement when the kids were teens and they hardly got used. But like you said busywend, they are out of my house. I did buy her an inexpensive set of dished today and a couple of pans and a few other things that were not very expensive but at least she can cook food and take a shower and be comfortable in her apartment and maybe it will get her to stay there rather than go out.

    I am trying to stay hopeful. She now has a dog and cat to take care of so she has a lot of responsibility. She can't just disappear for days. She has a vested interest in keeping her job. So while I am not happy at all about this move I can't do anything about it. Yesterday we texted a little bit and she said "Yes mom thank you so much. In the end you'll see it was a rash but smart idea." I told her I sure hope she is right.

    Change in plans though, we have bad thunderstorms so she is coming tomorrow morning to pick up her things.

  13. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Your daughter sounds like a sweet girl who's trying to navigate the best she can through life. At least she's grateful for your generosity. My heart just aches for her and I pray she stays sober.
  14. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    When I graduated from high school, my mom bought a hope chest for me. I still love it today-she gave us so little and was a strict mom. My sister did not graduate from a traditional high school and my mother was not happy, so she did nothing for my sister, not even a card. It is still a wound in my sister's heart all these years later. I think it is good what you are doing.

    difficult child will have to decide what she will scarifice to make ends meet. She may not make it, but she will have tried. As for the pets, I hope she comes to her senses and loves them enough to get them a new home. The dog would be a good protector in the area she is in, but he is the one who will need all the attention and cost the most money to feed and keep healthy. Hopefully she'll make the right choice when forced to.

    If and when she leaves the stuff behind, it is on her, not you. I would do the same thing as you have. ((Hugs))