Oh, SS, I'm so sorry. My difficult child 36 threatened to come after me and shoot me if I did something he didn't like. In his case, I didn't believe it, but that's because he's two states away and has never even touched a gun and has no idea how to use one. Plus he's afraid to drive too far from his house.
"It is what it is." Radical acceptance of who they are. The revengeful edge of his e-mail is a red flag that he could be dangerous to you and that he probably has some sort of personality disorder, like antisocial or narcissistic. No matter how angry our children get, very few threaten to try to destroy our lives or calmly say, "I will come up there and shoot you. I mean it too." Our young men are over the edge and if I were you I would not feed the bird. I would not answer anything that is a threat or disrespectful. I have told my son that if he threatens me, swears at me or yells at me he will not hear from me until I feel ready and, if he does it again, same thing. This has been effective. I talk to him less and he tries a little harder to be respectful. I also told him that any threats will be brought to the police.
Whatever nonsense your difficult child threw at you, there is no point in addressing it. It is almost the same thing as trying to reason with a two year old who says, "You're mean and Im going to break this house down if you put me in a time out." You can't. So I'd skip all the nonsense. If you want to send him an e-mail, the only thing I'd respond with is, "If you threaten Dad and me again, I will send the threat to the police. If you want to talk to us, you will have to be respectful or I will no t read what you send. At the first sign of disrespect, I will delete. I love you, but you are not thinking clearly now and I need to talk to you when you are in a better place. Have a good day. Love, Mom."
That's sort of how I communicate with 36. It infuriates him, but by the time he does talk to me, he has usually cooled off and he does not make reference to his nastiness, which is his way of saying, "I won't acknowledge what I did wrong, just what I think YOU did wrong, but I'll put up with your rules for as long as I can." It usually isn't for very long and the cycle starts again. It is very peaceful to me to have made a decision to set boundaries and protect myself. If he hates me, I can't control him...then he does. He has no reason to. If he wants to invent some, that is just the way he is.
I would go on that vacation and relish it. I would also change the locks on your doors and, if you can afford it, get a security system. You need to protect yourself. I know how horrible it feels to have to protect yourself from your own child, but if 36 lived near us, we'd have to do the same thing because when he feels like we "crossed" him, he gets mean and vindictive and I believe he has the ability to act on it. For days, I got the chlls hearing his voice in my head, the calm, sure tenor of it, "If you do _______, I will come up there and kill you." It still gives me the creeps thinking about it. He didn't say it in a rage. He was oh-so-calm and firm. He has said similar things to my ex, who spent $40K on his custody battle for his son. There is no pleasing 36. When you don't do what he wants you to do for him, he sees blood. I have no clue yet if he would ever act on it, but I don't want to take chances.
36's siblings have already dumped him. He has no friends. His wife left him. Ok, so she is crazy too...she had to be to marry him...but she did leave him. A difficult child can always find another difficult child for aid and comfort (like your son seems to have done). Personality disordered people make good lawyers, if you don't check too deeply to see the layers beneath the talk.
I believe you can not slander somebody by posting stuff about them on the internet, but since you are both retired, not sure it's worth it to remind him that you can take action. Who is he going to slander you to now? His FB friends? Does he really have any friends? Or is it just the young difficult child girlfriend who he is playing.
I just wanted to share that I've kind of been there so that you don't feel alone. Our two young adults are not the only ones who do this to their parents, but we don't hear about when it happens because we are too ashamed to share. This is the only place (and within our family) that anyone knows the things that 36 has done. by the way, he is grooming his son to be like him. I wish I could know my grandson better to have some influence over him, but son just lives too far away and my husband and I have no extra money to take trips states away. Last night, my grandson got on the phone and said, "So what are you sending me for my birthday, Grandma?" Between both of his parents, I keep waiting for little J. to fall apart.
So sorry your son continues to try to manipulate you. When you don't fall for this he may take the next step and try to damage your property or you, which is why I am warning you. Whatever you do, DON'T TALK TO HIM TOO MUCH! You will give him more to stew over and stoke his fires. And, although you certainly don't have to do it, I would definitely let him know that any threats will go straight to the police because you feel threatened.
Eventually he will go silent, most likely, except for bursts of fury when he needs money an d you won't provide it. God forbid he get a job or get money in socially acceptable ways of society. These people act outside of the rules of the law. It's part of their sickness, but since they can be dangerous and are usually in denial they THEY ever do anything wrong, we can't help them and it's best not to try. Telling him to go to therapy, even in a kind voice, will just set him off more. He will take it as an insult.
Wishing you find peace and serenity on this day, in spite of your difficult child's behaviors. Gentle hugs.
