Heart is heavy

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by tryingtobestrong, Dec 25, 2019.

  1. Hello all, I haven't been on for awhile. I was really trying to move on and just let my son live his life. The holidays are hard. He has been distant for awhile. Not answering texts until a few days later. Never calling unless something is wrong. (Locked himself out of his place 2x's in less than 30 days which was unusual). Seems like him and the girl on now just friends..
    I mailed him his presents and got a thank you the next day. Then he goes silent again.
    He called tonight which was odd.. I couldn't bring myself to speak to him and now I feel it may have been the last time I could have... He told my husband he was in the hospital 2x's in the past week. My husband either doesn't listen good or can't remember what he said but he said he thinks he said he had to stay overnight....Something about not being able to stop throwing up which he had before when he drank heavily. This time he told my husband it was from smoking too much weed...
    So not sure how much time he missed at work.
    We mailed him a nice cash present for Christmas and now looking back should not have. When I mailed it, I didn't know he was back to drinking heavily again.
    He seemed to be sad my husband said and I thought my son ended the conversation abruptly. He told my husband he took sleeping pills and they were kicking in so he hung up. Just makes me wonder if he took too many at one time and is planning on ending his life.

    He told my husband he hates being alone and needs a girlfriend.... Seriously, he won't follow any recommendations. Was in Sober living for a whopping 30 days and left because he didn't want to do Intensive outpatient therapy. He always thinks his ways are the best and obviously they are not.
    If he stayed in sober living and gave himself a chance to be sober longer than 2 weeks or 30 days, he would have people around him and not be alone.
    He lives so far away from home and doesn't have a car so him moving home would be not be a good option for him.
    I don't know when he will finally get it or if he will always be this way.
    Breaks my heart.
     
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Good morning.

    I am sorry for all this. There is really no way to analyze what is going on. We don't know. And how could you change things if you did know? Addicts can and do often do their worst living at home. There is no way to monitor them all the time. If we try, they just leave. Your son is an addict. Unless he stops drinking period, he is not quite doing his best. I personally think it's best not to send our AC cash. But you did and it was up to him what he did with that cash. I doubt if he got high because you sent it. He was probably drinking and drugging all along. They find ways, legal or illegal, to afford to use. This includes alcoholics. If your son lived closer or even with you you could not stop him using nor save his life. We have the fantasy that we will walk in on them just at the right time. But in fact these adult kids use even if they live with us and we think they aren't. This is not your responsibility. It can't be. You can't do it for him.

    I have a good friend whose son is a severe addict. My friend was too until his 30s and he has been sober thirty years now. His son lives on the opposite side of the country on the street. He ended up in the hospital recently due to drugging. He was in an induced coma with a tube down his throat. The man flew out and was there when his son became conscious.

    His son was not grateful to see him and this brush with death did not change him. Rather than trying to get clean, he went back out on the streets and eventually a homeless shelter where he may still be. He calls his father from time to time and never mentions the time in the hospital or getting clean. These addicts sadly take life in a light way.

    My friend has done nothing else to try to fix his son and says that only after his parents died did he realize he needed to quit. He was on his own then. No longer being enabled. He regrets now that his parents never saw him get clean.

    I do feel your intense pain and I am sorry your son puts you through all this I suggest Al Anon. You would learn there to let go with love and to honor and care for yourself. I believe that this is all we can do. And pray a whole lot if we pray.

    God bless and let Him maybe care for you and your son. Be well.
     
  3. JMom

    JMom Active Member

    Trying to be strong,

    I too, have given cash and regretted it, blamed myself. I agree 100% that he had to decide to use. They find a way. Don't beat yourself up about it. If he was hospitalized because of using, please don't carry guilt for him.

    He's choosing all of this. I pray that you practice self-care. Our children are out of our control, but we can love ourselves and try to have peace. I'll be thinking of you and say a prayer for you and your family.

    Jmom
     
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I'm so sorry. This time of year is so very hard.

    We sent our son away to sober living at age 20 after pills and more pills, weed and drinking. Rehab and more rehab. Nothing helped. I just didn't want it under my roof anymore. I tried EVERYTHING to help him and help myself.

    He started out good and then jumped from rehab to sober living for some time, even overdosed on his then new girlfriend's mother's pain pills. This went on for a year. For some reason God kept him alive.

    We finally realized he was getting worse away from us so husband drove from Chicago to Florida and took him to a faith based program in Memphis that I had arranged. Son did NOT want to go but he was such a mess.

    He changed when he went to that program. It was 13 months long and it was hard. He came home in November of 2018. It hasn't been perfect. We've had some rough spots but he has never abused pills again which was his drug of choice. He does drink beer and has started taking Zoloft because he said he drank too much to "feel better". We had a few incidents with whiskey which he should never drink. He has pretty much been working non-stop this past year and is starting college in January for computer networking. He seems happy now. He doesn't have a girlfriend or any friends but he has us.

    Not sure why I'm telling you this but I feel your pain. It is so very very hard to live with the pain of not being able to fix the ones we love. Not sure how we even do it at all and not sure how I did it.

    My only advice is to keep praying for your son (if you pray) and for yourself and taking care of yourself as best you can. We can't control it and none of us know what tomorrow holds for any of us.

    Cyber hugs.