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<blockquote data-quote="Jabberwockey" data-source="post: 661769" data-attributes="member: 18238"><p>And this is as it should be, even if your difficult child wasn't difficult. At different points in a persons life, their parents, especially their mother, act differently towards them. Treat them differently. At 14 I needed my parents physical support and protection. At 21 I needed my parents emotional support and the knowledge that if it got too bad, they would provide a safe harbor for me to retreat to in order to regroup. We cannot stay in that safe harbor for all of our lives. First, the simple fact of the matter is that our parents wont be around forever. They will die, just like everybody else. Second, we learn by failing. We fail in relationships in High School so we are better equipped to be a proper husband or wife later on in life. We fail at so many different things on a daily basis so, when that or something similar happens again, we can do better! Our difficult children want to stay in that safe harbor, away from the possibility of failing because we are doing for them. But, as we all know, we do them no favors by allowing this. Do we, as adults still go running back there sometimes? Hell Yes!! What do you think I did after realizing our son had pawned my guitars? I called mom and dad because it was something far enough outside my comfort zone to not just be scary, but terrifying! Fortunately, they had a bit of experience with that but even if they hadn't they would have been there just to provide moral support. </p><p></p><p>Your 21 year old is an adult and needs to learn and the only way to do that is to make mistakes. Let him. Don't protect him from the consequences of those mistakes, and don't put on that happy face and act like everything is all right when you're around him. It isn't and he shouldn't think it is. Be that safe harbor for your 14 year old but as they grown, block them from time to time. Let them fall. They may get a bit bruised along the way but they will learn not to run to you for every little thing. Then you will know that when they call you later looking for that safe harbor, that it is needed, not just wanted.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Jabberwockey, post: 661769, member: 18238"] And this is as it should be, even if your difficult child wasn't difficult. At different points in a persons life, their parents, especially their mother, act differently towards them. Treat them differently. At 14 I needed my parents physical support and protection. At 21 I needed my parents emotional support and the knowledge that if it got too bad, they would provide a safe harbor for me to retreat to in order to regroup. We cannot stay in that safe harbor for all of our lives. First, the simple fact of the matter is that our parents wont be around forever. They will die, just like everybody else. Second, we learn by failing. We fail in relationships in High School so we are better equipped to be a proper husband or wife later on in life. We fail at so many different things on a daily basis so, when that or something similar happens again, we can do better! Our difficult children want to stay in that safe harbor, away from the possibility of failing because we are doing for them. But, as we all know, we do them no favors by allowing this. Do we, as adults still go running back there sometimes? Hell Yes!! What do you think I did after realizing our son had pawned my guitars? I called mom and dad because it was something far enough outside my comfort zone to not just be scary, but terrifying! Fortunately, they had a bit of experience with that but even if they hadn't they would have been there just to provide moral support. Your 21 year old is an adult and needs to learn and the only way to do that is to make mistakes. Let him. Don't protect him from the consequences of those mistakes, and don't put on that happy face and act like everything is all right when you're around him. It isn't and he shouldn't think it is. Be that safe harbor for your 14 year old but as they grown, block them from time to time. Let them fall. They may get a bit bruised along the way but they will learn not to run to you for every little thing. Then you will know that when they call you later looking for that safe harbor, that it is needed, not just wanted. [/QUOTE]
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