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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 661777" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>((HUGS)) to you..........</p><p></p><p></p><p>It's very normal to feel this way and it takes time to get to where you don't. I've been there. What helped me work through it was understanding the reason I felt ashamed. I took to much responsibility for how my son turned out, I took his poor choices that led to failures, arrests and homelessness as a reflection on me and how I raised him. That big question "what did I do that was so wrong", I had to really look back over the years and what I found was this, I was a good mother, not perfect but good, I loved my son, I was there for him, I gave him stability and security, I taught him right from wrong, he wanted for nothing. My son didn't turn out the way he did because of anything I did or did not do. Bottom line, my son has a mind of his own, he has free will and with that he has made his own choices and those choices have led him to where he is, homeless. When I allowed myself to really resonate on these facts I was able to let go of the shame. As for what others think when they learn my son's story, I really don't care as their opinion of me does not matter. The opinions I value are only from people who truly know me.</p><p></p><p></p><p>The numerous times my son was locked up I told him he could only call every two weeks because of the calls were expensive. He would try but as soon as I heard the "you have a collect call from a CO correctional facility" I would hang up. Good for you for not answering.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Ok, you did not allow your son to sleep in a tent in the woods, that's his choice. If you did allow him in your safe and secure home, it wouldn't be safe or secure anymore. Your son should not put you the position to have to say no, he should be taking care of himself. Even if the bail was only $10.00 it's not your responsibility. He did something wrong and got caught, the consequences are his and his alone. Again, he should not put in that position.</p><p></p><p></p><p>You are the same mom that did these things for D C.</p><p></p><p>Remember, we call them Difficult Child for a reason. These children that we love so dearly have made choices to live their lives in ways that we the parents will never understand.</p><p></p><p>For myself, I have come to accept that my 33 year old son is not going to live what I consider a conventional life. I don't like it but I accept it. I have my own life to live and I'm not getting any younger so I will not give any more time to worrying and wondering where my son is or what he's doing. He touches base with me every few months and for that I'm grateful.</p><p></p><p></p><p>You are the mother of two sons. You love them both and that love is constant it does not change but what did change was your son and that changed the dynamics of your relationship with him.</p><p></p><p>He is no longer your little boy, he's an adult. His life, his choices, his consequences.</p><p></p><p>All you can do is love him. When he calls and asks for something continue to tell him no and affirm to him that he can figure it out on his own.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 661777, member: 18516"] ((HUGS)) to you.......... It's very normal to feel this way and it takes time to get to where you don't. I've been there. What helped me work through it was understanding the reason I felt ashamed. I took to much responsibility for how my son turned out, I took his poor choices that led to failures, arrests and homelessness as a reflection on me and how I raised him. That big question "what did I do that was so wrong", I had to really look back over the years and what I found was this, I was a good mother, not perfect but good, I loved my son, I was there for him, I gave him stability and security, I taught him right from wrong, he wanted for nothing. My son didn't turn out the way he did because of anything I did or did not do. Bottom line, my son has a mind of his own, he has free will and with that he has made his own choices and those choices have led him to where he is, homeless. When I allowed myself to really resonate on these facts I was able to let go of the shame. As for what others think when they learn my son's story, I really don't care as their opinion of me does not matter. The opinions I value are only from people who truly know me. The numerous times my son was locked up I told him he could only call every two weeks because of the calls were expensive. He would try but as soon as I heard the "you have a collect call from a CO correctional facility" I would hang up. Good for you for not answering. Ok, you did not allow your son to sleep in a tent in the woods, that's his choice. If you did allow him in your safe and secure home, it wouldn't be safe or secure anymore. Your son should not put you the position to have to say no, he should be taking care of himself. Even if the bail was only $10.00 it's not your responsibility. He did something wrong and got caught, the consequences are his and his alone. Again, he should not put in that position. You are the same mom that did these things for D C. Remember, we call them Difficult Child for a reason. These children that we love so dearly have made choices to live their lives in ways that we the parents will never understand. For myself, I have come to accept that my 33 year old son is not going to live what I consider a conventional life. I don't like it but I accept it. I have my own life to live and I'm not getting any younger so I will not give any more time to worrying and wondering where my son is or what he's doing. He touches base with me every few months and for that I'm grateful. You are the mother of two sons. You love them both and that love is constant it does not change but what did change was your son and that changed the dynamics of your relationship with him. He is no longer your little boy, he's an adult. His life, his choices, his consequences. All you can do is love him. When he calls and asks for something continue to tell him no and affirm to him that he can figure it out on his own. [/QUOTE]
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