Heartbroken Honesty

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by EmJay, Nov 29, 2011.

  1. EmJay

    EmJay New Member

    Today I ran across a Blog Entry from 2 years ago referencing my then 5 year old as "difficult", "unrulely", "disrespectful", "Jerk", and "messy"....

    SO yeah, I understand that my child falls into these categories but to see it in writing and to have someone that is supposed to be family putting it out there for the whole world to see was quite heartbreaking.

    The writer even said that she would "NEVER allow her son to act like that" and that she would feel "bad coming home after work every night"....

    You know, my life is difficult enough dealing with my own demons (ADHD, Anxiety, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)) but I also have my own child's demons to juggle on a day to day basis (ADHD, Anxiety). We are a bad cocktail waiting to explode and some days I wish we had it easier. BUT GD I F-ing TRY!

    I don't have the perfect child who raises his hand and does everything he is told and walks a straight line. HE IS different. And most days I love him for his differences. He's a good kid if you look past the hyperactivity and impuse issues. And I'm a good mother if you look past the mistakes I've made and stress that I'm under!
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Wow. I have been in your place (although not online) with my mother saying pretty much the same things about difficult child 1. I didn't speak to her for 3 months. It hurt like h*** knowing that my own mother (difficult child 1's only grandparent) felt these things about my son AND blamed me for them none the less. We are talking, barely, and everything is very guarded now. Things will never be the same but I have my FAMILY here and I KNOW that I am doing the best I can and that, now that we have an accurate diagnosis, I am making sure difficult child 1 is getting all the help he NEEDS. As I think back, my mom never treated ME like I was ever good enough either. That's just the way she is so I just don't have much to do with her. My "real" family is here.


    Now, who diagnosed your son? Did you know that ADHD with Anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) can in some cases actually all fall under the Autism Spectrum? Has your son ever been evaluated my a neuropsychologist/neuropsychiatrist? There might be more or something else going on and they are usually pretty good at figuring it all out.

    Welcome to the "family". You'll find a lot of support, experience, knowledge, and caring here. Take what works and leave what doesn't but at least keep an open mind.
  3. EmJay

    EmJay New Member

    Thanks for the support TeDo. It was very difficult reading that Blog Entry this morning. In part it was my own fault as I went fishing. But in honesty I was looking for something else! LOL!
    As far as my sons diagnosis; we received it last year after 2 years of difficulties at school. I've always known he was a bit difficult to handle but I tried to deal with them at home. Moreso Denial on my part. I didn't want to face the fact that he was just like me and that I had done all of this to him.
    We went to a counselor to get some help because he had lost a young friend last summer, my husband had lost his job, and I found out i was pregnant. The counselor told us in 2 short sessions that unless I decided to medicate him she wouldn't be able to help him because he had absolutely no attention span at that time.
    That was NOvember. In May she mentioned the ODD. I see the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). There are certain situations with him that things have to be done in certain order. And I've always noticed the Anxiety. Especially in situations with lots of people. It's usually mistaken/misread as defiance; when actually it's him panicking/becoming anxious.
  4. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    First let me say, you did NOT do this TO him. That implies that you did something that CAUSED it. He was born with the genes as that certainly isn't your fault.

    Can you tell me more about the behaviors you are seeing and a detailed description of the circumstances surrounding them? I may be wrong but I have my suspicion that there is more gong on. Just a hunch.
  5. rdland

    rdland New Member

    I am so sorry you had to read that. My sister in law is like that and it drives me crazy. She thinks he just need a good spanking and if i was discipling him enough he would behave. Whatever!
  6. EmJay

    EmJay New Member

    That's the one thing that I can not stand! The assumption that if I were doing something different he would just all of a sudden act different! OMGosh!!! :rollingpin:
  7. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I can tell both of you that ALL of us here have dealt with (are dealing with) people that believe the same way as those you're dealing with. Then there is another whole group of people that THINK it but are at least kind enough to not say it. We are a VERY small minority.
  8. EmJay

    EmJay New Member

    ADHD: He has absolutely NO impulse control what so ever! Ex: When his baby brother was younger his first response to his crying was to shake him. It took us 3-4 times of freaking out and telling him NO! that he finally understood. We had to explain to him each time what would happen if he did that. He also did it to his cousin who is a few weeks younger than our baby. It took me explaining to his pedi what was going on and her repeating to him what we had been saying for him to understand the severity of the situation.
    He will bounce off the walls with no regards to his own or others safety. He is very clumbsy but with things that if he were paying attention wouldn't happen. Socially he's a butterfly but he's very hands on. He doesn't know when enough is enough and he has no concept of personal space. In large crowds of people that he doesn't know he is unable to think straight. He will almost fade out and I have to put my hands on him in order for him to look at me and follow what I'm saying. I have to repeat any direction at least 3-4 times. He is distracted by the TV on a DAILY/almost MOMENTARY basis. He can not remember directions from one room to another.
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    From an ADHD household standpoint... what you describe does NOT sound like ADHD. Not even ADHD plus something else. And the ODD diagnosis is really more of a red-flag that there is more going on... most of the time, there is a better explanation for the behavior. To be fair, sometimes ODD is given as a diagnosis when there isn't enough information yet to come up with a better diagnosis... BUT... its a huge red flag.

    Perhaps something on the autism spectrum??

    I'd be challenging the diagnosis, and looking for a comprehensive evaluation - NOT with an Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) specialist, either, or that is the diagnosis you are likely to get - you need somebody who will look at the WHOLE picture, and tell you what is really going on.
  10. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    Hey, I'm new around here, too. I'm sorry you have to deal with people (especially your own family) that "don't get it." I know, as a grandparent myself, that it's a process to get from "the kid is a brat, so take away privileges and try sticker charts" to "uh oh, s/he is doing the best they can and it's not quite working out. We'd better find out what's wrong. What can I do to help?" (Just a caveat here: I never spanked my own kids and raised very respectful, non-toxic children.

    My daughter's dad (my ex of 32 years, but lives around the corner) just doesn't get it, and seems to refuse to even try. We've given him The Explosive Child, Lost at School, What Your Explosive Child is Trying to Tell You, but it doesn't seem to be sinking in. He's pretty much removed himself from my grandson's life except for weekly visits at a restaurant with one of the parents present. It's so sad because they are missing out on the gift of who these little people are, in all of their complicated glory (almost typed "gory," Freudian slip?) As with my parents, who put me in foster care, I had to come around to the fact that they were doing their best, and just let it go. We can't let our expectations of others get in our heads and make us sad/mad, whatever. Okay, off my soapbox.

    I'm following this thread because I don't think my grandson is diagnosed correctly, either, so I feel like a fellow traveler. My signature kind of gives synopsis.

    I hope you have a good day today, or at least find some little thing in which to feel joy.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It was beyond insensitive to anyone to blog about YOUR child. I'm so sorry about that.

    But I would take him to a neuropsychologist. I see more than ADHD there too.

    Welcome to the board :)
  12. EmJay

    EmJay New Member

    That is why I came here! I can only talk about it around places like this. Most people don't understand!
  13. EmJay

    EmJay New Member

    what type of red flag? my background is in psychiatric and i am sometimes in awe how i can't even figure him out!
  14. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Welcome to the board, Emjay.

    First I want to say that I am so sorry that you found that blog entry and, even worse, that it was a family member who wrote it. Things like that are very hurtful. This is not your fault in any way, shape, or form. NOT YOUR FAULT!! It has taken me a very long time to really get that through my head because for so long I was told that if I was a better mother, or that if I mothered him properly difficult child would be better behaved. Yes, it was very hurtful (especially from the person it came from) and it did nothing to help my son. It just made the hole that I was in alot harder to get out of. People who do not have difficult child type kids, or who have no kids at all, just don't get what it's like the be the parent of a difficult child, and the stress and anxiety that go along with it.

    My son has a diagnosis of general anxiety disorder and ODD. Personally, I have come to think that the ODD diagnosis is really just a label that was placed on him when they could not figure out why he is so defiant and disrespectful towards me (and to a lesser extent, his father). I think that alot of work with the therapist has started to peel back some of the layers in order to get to whatever is really bothering him. Jealousy, resentment, anger, and anxiety all play a role in his behaviors.
  15. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Hi there! :hugs:

    I have to reinforce this, because my mom did not understand for a long time, she thought I was a wimp when it came to parenting Onyxx. Then... Lightbulb moment. She and Dad "get it" now... But husband's parents, who have known the kids longer, have lived with them, and their bio too... Just don't seem to have a CLUE. We've explained until we're blue in the face.

    But you know what? ALL good parents make mistakes. What you can do is - what you know how - with what you're given. I've been told I should do this or shouldn't do that - but the people saying so haven't lived with my kids. They just DO.NOT.KNOW. Attempts to explain don't work. (father in law's pulling the same thing on me right now.)

    The very fact that you're here - looking for support, direction if not answers - says you're willing to look at all the viable options.

  16. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    EmJay, first let me welcome you !!! If I had a dime for everytime a friend or family member told me to whoop difficult child's a** , I would be a wealthy woman. Do not let others judgements and opinions define you or your child.

    Like the old saying, until you walk a mile in my shoes ...