Heartbroken over kids

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by scoot, Jul 10, 2013.

  1. scoot

    scoot New Member

    I found out my daughter is telling people that I abused her,I don't know why she hates me so much.She has openly told people on face book that I don't do anything about my son,that I filed a fins and put her in a home,and her brother gets out of control and,I don't do anything,this is not the first time she has compared herself to her brother,but not to this extreme.I have disiplined her,but never abused her,I have sent her to a home because she kept running away,and didn't go to school.She lives for drama,right now she said if I won't do something about my son,she won't be back,which then proves favortisim. She likes to twist things around,to her needs so that people will feel sorry for her.I hate that she publically did this on Facebook,but more so continues to tell people things about me that's not true.What do I do,seems like every times she doesn't get her way,she lashes out at me....him sounds like my son but in a different manner.Then I won't hear from her again for months,until she needs something.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Scoot, I'm sorry you're going through this struggle with your kids. It's a painful path you find yourself on. There is a very good article at the bottom of my post on detachment which may be helpful for you. There is not much, if anything, we can do to change the behavior of our adult children so generally, the best option for us parents is to start detaching from their behaviors and to learn a degree of acceptance for the things we cannot change.

    *It may be a good idea for you to seek professional help, a therapist, a parent group or support group of some kind, if your kids have mental issues you may find NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) helpful, you can access them online, they have chapters everywhere. There is support out there for YOU, you may need to dig around a bit, but you will find it. It's important to begin to take our focus off of our kids and put it back on us so we can gain the strength necessary to move ahead in our own lives and make healthy choices where our kids are concerned.

    Many parents here have experienced their kids posting negative, untrue and hurtful comments on Facebook or other social media or simply to other people. It seems like a somewhat common ploy these difficult kids use to make themselves look good, make the parent feel guilt so they will cave and give in to the kids demands, pump up their own beliefs or experiences so others will think a certain way about them...............all kinds of negative reasoning which hurts parents. You may want to consider blocking her so you are not subjected to it.

    The best advice I can offer you is to get support for yourself, start putting yourself first and taking care of YOU, do nurturing kind things for yourself and find ways to express your hurts, angers and feelings. This is tough, we are not trained in this kind of parenting, which is why I always suggest therapy or some form of professional support, it's difficult to detach from our kids on our own, we usually need help. I'm sorry you are struggling........I wish you peace..........
  3. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Scoot, what you need to do is think of ways to take care of, and to heal and nurture, yourself. You could tell your daughter that reading untruths and private business on Facebook is humiliating...but I think she knows that already, and did it TO humiliate you.

    I think kids do the hurtful things they do (like publically accusing you of things that aren't true) because they are so angry themselves at the way their lives are turning out. They seem to think moms are half-magical creatures who can fix anything. They become angry at us, and feel cheated, when we cannot make things work right for them.

    What kinds of things are you doing for yourself, Scoot?

  4. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I'm not a fan of FB for that very reason. My difficult child and his girlfriend would have verbal, obscene fights on FB and then each group of friends had to join in. Mine was posting strange things, suicidal thoughts, and got into a verbal fight with a cousin. This caused an uproar in my family and many of them dropped him. When the phone calls started (of course they have to make sure you know about it) I simply told them he is an adult and I did not post it, and he did not ask my permission to post the messages.

    A relative is having similar issues with her son and his difficult child wife on FB. It is a very attractive media for the drama lovers! in my opinion, if you just ignore the posts and stop checking her FB it will be easier for you.

    My son blames me for all of his problems in life too. I thought he was making progress, but once he met girlie things went down in a hand basket fast and he hasn't pulled himself back up. He's a follower and she is controlling, he gets into enough life problems without her help. She would send me emails that I should be sending him a monthly check. Yeah, right!!

    Learn to detach and find something that you enjoy to take your mind off your problems. You can't do anything about what she does, she is an adult. Take control of your life!

    This is one of the first books I started reading and now she has it free. Hope it helps you find some peace.
  5. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    This is exactly why I am not FB "friends" with my difficult child....nor do I check her page.

    I don't need the drama.
  6. scoot

    scoot New Member

    Thing about it,is that family members also read that,no telling what they r thinking now.I did block her but told her there was a big difference between spanking and abuse,and that I do not want to have this drama in my life each time,things don't go well for her or get her way.She said well go ahead play the favortisim game. It hurts because she won't let me see my grandkids either.
  7. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Ouch, Scoot. I'm so sorry.

  8. Winnielg

    Winnielg New Member

    We went thru the same thing... repeatedly. difficult child routinely tells people that we are abusing him - friends, teachers and social workers at school (he just graduated... barely). The teachers and social workers he would tell that we withheld food and would not allow him to leave the house (right... that never happened) and his 'friends' or girls he was trying to make feel sorry for him he would tell that we physically abused him. At one point he logged into Facebook on my phone and forgot to log out. I found one conversation where the people he was telling all these lies to were like "tell an adult, tell a teacher, tell a social worker ... they will help you'. As all lies, of course he could not. I promptly logged out as I did not want to know what he was saying about us.

    I think peers, eventually, will see thru this as they deal with your difficult child on their own.

    I was convinced all the teachers thought we were horrible parents. The Special Education teacher and social worker made sure to tell me that we were the teachers favorite parents mid year during his senior year. I was astounded and asked how that was the case when I knew what he would say about us all the time? They said, unlike many parents, we wanted difficult child to be held accountable for actions, not doing work/projects, having behavior issues at school, etc. This amazed me - I cannot believe parents go in and yell at folks to leave their kid alone.

    So I guess what I am trying to say is that if you know in your heart of hearts that you are doing everything you can to help your difficult child, no matter how hurtful it is to know what she is saying 'out there', there is really nothing you can do about it. And somehow you have to come to some sort of peace with that.

    On another note re Facebook - which I really dislike! - my difficult child is too much as he blocks my hubby and I from posts but does not block aunts, uncles MY girlfriends that he has friended over the years. So I constantly get calls asking if I know that difficult child has a girlfriend, lost his bike, is begging people to talk to him, etc. I always respond - nope!

    I just saw your grandkids comment - and I am so sorry - that certainly adds a terrible layer of complexity to all of this - hang in there
  9. scoot

    scoot New Member

    U guys r amazing,I am glad I have found this group.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am very sorry she is doing this. The others are right - you need to ignore her fb and everything she says and does on it. If she is not in your home and is an adult, you need to figure out a way to be at peace with letting her go her own way.

    As she is claiming abuse, she clearly does not want your support. I would cut all financial things you are doing for her until such time as she is not abusive to you on fb or anywhere else. You cannot claim to hate someone or that they abused you and then expect them to give you a phone, financial support or any other good things. All that you do when you give her something is to reward her bad behavior. Let her find her own solutions that do not involve you, your financial support, homes you own or rent, vehicles you own or hlp wtih the costs of, etc.... Let her pay for this herself if she thinks you are so awful.

    This is a basic life lesson and in my opinion one she needs to learn asap. At one point we lived in an area with CPS that took kids at the drop of a hat and many kids used this as a way to make their parents do what they want. I told mine that they were free to report abuse but they needed to have bags packed because they would leave my home and not return if they made a false accusation. It worked fairly well and was one problem we did not have to cope with.

    I know it hurts and I am very sorry that you are dealing with this.