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heartbroken over son's worsening state
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 689180" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Welcome Karisma and Jacquelina. I just posted a new thread in the last few minutes. Something like my son is back. I'm sad.</p><p></p><p>I struggle with some of the same things. My son is 27, on SSI for mental illness, Mood Disorder. He has been mostly homeless the past 2 years. He refuses medication. There were always challenges for us, too.</p><p></p><p>I kicked my son out at age 23. I did not realize he was mentally ill. Or perhaps, I did not recognize or want to accept the extent. Or perhaps, I would not accept his living here and not seeking and accepting help. I am not sure, which it was, anymore. But he would not accept our authority then. He was hostile and aggressive.</p><p></p><p>I had pushed him to complete job training and he had worked over a year. He could not handle it.OMG. How I love my son. Adore, does not capture even a part of it. I enjoy him. I respect him. I admire him.</p><p></p><p>But he had come to live in a way contrary to any of those things.</p><p></p><p>I reacted with fury. For four years I shut away my love. It is not that I no longer loved him. But I did not live from that love. I could not. I had to make myself cold to him so that I could tolerate living. Eventually, when I came to this board, I realized that detaching would help us both.</p><p>You see, I feel like that now, and I did until maybe 9 years ago, but there came I point when he had pushed me away. It was a dark dark time, for me, let alone him.</p><p></p><p>I am asking myself why I concentrate on my own story, and not on yours. There is a reason, I just can't come up with it right now.</p><p></p><p>You cannot live like you are living. You cannot die for somebody else. Even if it is your own child. You must sustain yourself. You must. The love that is in you, that emanates from you is the life force, the source of greatest good. There is more than you, your son, me, my own son, at stake. There is life itself. We are part of something bigger than us. And yet it cannot live on without us. Each of us is vital.</p><p> I believe that on an unconscious level you came to feel that if you suffered, you could make him better. It is like bargaining with g-d. Oh please g-d. Pass me by with blessings and happiness, and please give my share to my boy. I promise I will ask nothing of you if you please let my boy be well and safe.</p><p></p><p>I believe your son can be helped, will be helped, by your living, and living well. He is not saved by our destruction. I believed that once, actually for a long time, I believed if I destroyed myself, that my son would benefit. I was willing, wanting even, to destroy myself, so that he could prosper.</p><p></p><p>This was lunacy. Because first of all they do better when we thrive and live fully. They are better. We must live from hope.</p><p></p><p>I am going back to work in a couple of weeks after 3 and a half years off. I am afraid, but I want to live!</p><p></p><p>When I quit after 6 months, approximately, I will never ever make myself work again if I do not want to. I will live for only what I love.</p><p></p><p>Now. I know what I love. I love to dance. Tango. Even though I am old I will live to dance. And I will dance to live.</p><p></p><p>I want you to think about what it is you love, or could love. Our sons, are a given. What else is there?</p><p></p><p>You deserve to live a life you love, and to love the life you live.</p><p></p><p>Dying little by little, will not help him. My son is getting better. Little by little. Yours may too.</p><p></p><p>Hope is a funny thing. Because you know what, all of us die. For all of us, at the end of it, there is no hope. Hope is an illusion. Everybody has to come to grips sooner or later with what William james called, <em>The Worm at the Core</em>.</p><p></p><p>The dirty little secret about life: it ends. We are dying right now. There is no hope for us.</p><p></p><p><em>So what</em>, you lost your hope. Your son's life was never, ever dependent upon or tied to your hope. <em>We have no control. None</em>. We all do and must give up hope, sooner or later. </p><p></p><p>As long as there is life left, we can get up and go on, in a different and better way. Living for joy. For love. Not for stupid hope.. Hope lies outside of us. It is dependent on one thing or another happening over which we have no control what so ever.</p><p></p><p>Let us get up and live. Live for your son. Not for his dependency but for your love for him and your joy. Imagine what power is in that love. Tell yourself the truth. You are a triumph.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 689180, member: 18958"] Welcome Karisma and Jacquelina. I just posted a new thread in the last few minutes. Something like my son is back. I'm sad. I struggle with some of the same things. My son is 27, on SSI for mental illness, Mood Disorder. He has been mostly homeless the past 2 years. He refuses medication. There were always challenges for us, too. I kicked my son out at age 23. I did not realize he was mentally ill. Or perhaps, I did not recognize or want to accept the extent. Or perhaps, I would not accept his living here and not seeking and accepting help. I am not sure, which it was, anymore. But he would not accept our authority then. He was hostile and aggressive. I had pushed him to complete job training and he had worked over a year. He could not handle it.OMG. How I love my son. Adore, does not capture even a part of it. I enjoy him. I respect him. I admire him. But he had come to live in a way contrary to any of those things. I reacted with fury. For four years I shut away my love. It is not that I no longer loved him. But I did not live from that love. I could not. I had to make myself cold to him so that I could tolerate living. Eventually, when I came to this board, I realized that detaching would help us both. You see, I feel like that now, and I did until maybe 9 years ago, but there came I point when he had pushed me away. It was a dark dark time, for me, let alone him. I am asking myself why I concentrate on my own story, and not on yours. There is a reason, I just can't come up with it right now. You cannot live like you are living. You cannot die for somebody else. Even if it is your own child. You must sustain yourself. You must. The love that is in you, that emanates from you is the life force, the source of greatest good. There is more than you, your son, me, my own son, at stake. There is life itself. We are part of something bigger than us. And yet it cannot live on without us. Each of us is vital. I believe that on an unconscious level you came to feel that if you suffered, you could make him better. It is like bargaining with g-d. Oh please g-d. Pass me by with blessings and happiness, and please give my share to my boy. I promise I will ask nothing of you if you please let my boy be well and safe. I believe your son can be helped, will be helped, by your living, and living well. He is not saved by our destruction. I believed that once, actually for a long time, I believed if I destroyed myself, that my son would benefit. I was willing, wanting even, to destroy myself, so that he could prosper. This was lunacy. Because first of all they do better when we thrive and live fully. They are better. We must live from hope. I am going back to work in a couple of weeks after 3 and a half years off. I am afraid, but I want to live! When I quit after 6 months, approximately, I will never ever make myself work again if I do not want to. I will live for only what I love. Now. I know what I love. I love to dance. Tango. Even though I am old I will live to dance. And I will dance to live. I want you to think about what it is you love, or could love. Our sons, are a given. What else is there? You deserve to live a life you love, and to love the life you live. Dying little by little, will not help him. My son is getting better. Little by little. Yours may too. Hope is a funny thing. Because you know what, all of us die. For all of us, at the end of it, there is no hope. Hope is an illusion. Everybody has to come to grips sooner or later with what William james called, [I]The Worm at the Core[/I]. The dirty little secret about life: it ends. We are dying right now. There is no hope for us. [I]So what[/I], you lost your hope. Your son's life was never, ever dependent upon or tied to your hope. [I]We have no control. None[/I]. We all do and must give up hope, sooner or later. As long as there is life left, we can get up and go on, in a different and better way. Living for joy. For love. Not for stupid hope.. Hope lies outside of us. It is dependent on one thing or another happening over which we have no control what so ever. Let us get up and live. Live for your son. Not for his dependency but for your love for him and your joy. Imagine what power is in that love. Tell yourself the truth. You are a triumph. [/QUOTE]
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heartbroken over son's worsening state
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