Heartbroken

Discussion in 'Failure to Thrive' started by GStorm, Oct 21, 2018.

  1. GStorm

    GStorm Becoming Independent

    I have been on this post off & on for the past year. My son was hospitalized almost a year ago to the day for suicidal ideations. You can read my story. Anyway, my son has moved to another state. While he was hospitalized, I found out he was spending money I was loaning him while he was unemployed on.porn. So I think the suicidal issue was a ruse. I have spent the last year dealing with him continuing to not pay the car note. I finally cut him off putting the car on him (that I won't pay it) even though it is in my name. Now I find out that he did not get a new phone service, but continued to use mine. So I deactivated the phone the other day. This has been extremely difficult for me.
    He has no remorse for doing this. He is 33, my only son. I feel like I have lost my son. My family says, no, he has lost you. I am worried about him, but I have had to wash my hands of this because he has been draining me financially. Any support would be appreciated.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Even if your son is still not thinking kindly or right, YOU are on the right path, although it hurts you. And I know it does. We all know.

    If your son always lacked empathy for whatever reason you never really were connected to him in a normal way. You couldnt have been. There are people for many reasons who just dont feel for others and it is hard to be close to thise who cant give back equally in a relationship. Even sometimes beloved kids.

    If your son was always like this you didnt lose him at all. You never had the repationship you wanted because of him, not you. If this is new then it will take time to adjust. And it could change back but meanwhile you need to be healthy.

    Are tou in therapy for yourself?? This is hard and I advise your own therapist to help you cope and to learn to take care of yourself. I am sorry for your pain.

    Love and light!
     
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2018
  3. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    GS, I’m so sorry for your pain. He’s 33 - the same age as my eldest. We can’t be financially and emotionally responsible forever. They are of an age that our relationships should be more equal, with them helping us as much as we are helping them.

    I know how hard it is to let go of feeling responsible for them though. I always feel like if I just do this one more thing it will put him on the right track and he’ll be able to pick up from there. It never seems to happen. Instead, the more I do from him the more he seems to need from me, and the more ‘emergencies’ come up that require a sudden cash infusion from me. The same with my daughter S. If the tap is on, they keep coming back for more. The only way I can get them to take any responsibility is to cut them off entirely.

    I am so sorry he’s not paying on the car that is in your name. That has to be really hurting your credit. Can you take the car away from him? Sell it? Work with the dealer to have it formally repoed and then repair your credit? I hate to see his bad choices hurting you.

    C shows suicidal ideation also, and I know how scary that is to hear. I am not sure how much is real and how much is manipulation. I have had to come to terms with the fact that he is an adult, he knows where to get help if he wants to, and I can’t force him to get help or be responsible for his choices. I have dealt with suicidal depression as well. I know that ultimately it is on me to get the help I need and make the lifestyle changes that allow me to keep depresssion under control. No one else can do it for me. The same is true of my son, as hard as it is for me to contemplate.

    Cutting off enabling actions does not mean you are abandoning your son. You are still there, right where you have always been. His journey has taken him away from you, and he is the only one who can fix that. It is not your fault.

    Take care of yourself and do whatever you need to do to put your own finances and life on track. His life is in hands. Hugs to you.