Malika
Well-Known Member
Hello again to all on the forum and I hope you have had some moments of respite and relaxation over the summer...
We are now back in France where it was the first day back to school today - a big event for parents and children. J seemed excited and happy and was pleased to be back, unlike some of the other kids who looked very sad and/or dazed...
I left J for four weeks with my ex husband, his new wife and mother in Morocco - far longer than he has ever been left before - while I went to the UK to teach. Didn't want to leave him but it was a case of needs must. I really don't know if I did the right thing and suspect I did not. I feel guilty about it. It's part of Moroccan culture that parents hit children all the time to discipline them - I had tried to speak to my ex about this before I left J, explaining that this was not good for kids like J (he has no knowledge or understanding of ADHD of course, nor does he want to find out) and I had thought he had accepted it... but no. Turns out he has been hitting J regularly as punishment. A lousy move when you also consider that J has not spent much time with his father and this was really a voyage of discovery for them both. J was quite hostile towards my ex-husband when I came to get him and there really didn't seem to be much love lost between them. I can see that J's grandmother is, however, very attached to and fond of him. J was beginning to speak Arabic (a third language - too much?!) and to get used to the way of life in Morocco but he has said many times since that he prefers France and wants to be with me... He says (quite sensibly) that he doesn't like Morocco because they hit children there... I have written to my ex-husband saying that what happened was unacceptable and traumatic for J. I don't think he will be able to understand because hitting kids is so much part of his cultural norm. Stupid of me to think that he would agree to change...
He was angry with me, understandably, for a couple of days after - some big rages, including hitting me. But then he calmed down and has been largely sweet and amenable since. He has grown up SO much... his thinking is far more sophisticated than it was (despite endless TV watching in Morocco ) and we now have long, rational conversations that go in the same direction - a first. Still difficult when he hears the word "no" but seems more ready to co-operate after explanations. So things seem okay for the moment but... I'm not naive enough to think things have somehow all calmed down and gone away.
So until the next crisis...
We are now back in France where it was the first day back to school today - a big event for parents and children. J seemed excited and happy and was pleased to be back, unlike some of the other kids who looked very sad and/or dazed...
I left J for four weeks with my ex husband, his new wife and mother in Morocco - far longer than he has ever been left before - while I went to the UK to teach. Didn't want to leave him but it was a case of needs must. I really don't know if I did the right thing and suspect I did not. I feel guilty about it. It's part of Moroccan culture that parents hit children all the time to discipline them - I had tried to speak to my ex about this before I left J, explaining that this was not good for kids like J (he has no knowledge or understanding of ADHD of course, nor does he want to find out) and I had thought he had accepted it... but no. Turns out he has been hitting J regularly as punishment. A lousy move when you also consider that J has not spent much time with his father and this was really a voyage of discovery for them both. J was quite hostile towards my ex-husband when I came to get him and there really didn't seem to be much love lost between them. I can see that J's grandmother is, however, very attached to and fond of him. J was beginning to speak Arabic (a third language - too much?!) and to get used to the way of life in Morocco but he has said many times since that he prefers France and wants to be with me... He says (quite sensibly) that he doesn't like Morocco because they hit children there... I have written to my ex-husband saying that what happened was unacceptable and traumatic for J. I don't think he will be able to understand because hitting kids is so much part of his cultural norm. Stupid of me to think that he would agree to change...
He was angry with me, understandably, for a couple of days after - some big rages, including hitting me. But then he calmed down and has been largely sweet and amenable since. He has grown up SO much... his thinking is far more sophisticated than it was (despite endless TV watching in Morocco ) and we now have long, rational conversations that go in the same direction - a first. Still difficult when he hears the word "no" but seems more ready to co-operate after explanations. So things seem okay for the moment but... I'm not naive enough to think things have somehow all calmed down and gone away.
So until the next crisis...