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bran155

Guest
Thank you all so very much for all of your support. I am so glad I finally brought myself to ask for it! I have needed it for some time but was too crushed to talk about this nightmare. I still have a hard time accepting it. I know that is the key to my freedom, acceptance! It is very hard to accept such a thing. I did have a good day, bbq and fireworks. I had to fight back tears quite a few times during the festivities but let them flow once the night ended. Not too bad, just a few tears. I really did enjoy watching my son have such a good time. He was so happy, he fills my heart with such joy. He is a wonderful kid! He is the reason I breathe everyday, for sure! The muscle relaxers really do help, although I should not be taking them. They weren't prescribed for me. I got them from my mother. I made up some story about my back hurting and she gave them to me. If she knew that I was taking them for this reason she would kill me. It is amazing what one does to get through tough times. The problem with that is, these times are never ending for me and I cannot very well medicate myself forever. I do, however want to get an anti-anxiety medicine to take the edge off. Do they really work?

I hope everyone had a nice 4th. Thanks again for keeping me and mine in your thoughts and prayers! It really does feel like coming home again here!
 

susiestar

Roll With It
Sweetie, the antianxiety medications will do far more than the muscle relaxers do. Your behavior is showing you really NEED help. PLEASE attend Narcotics Anonymous or NarcAnon before you end up truly hooked on the muscle relaxers. You KNOW that lying to get medications is dangerous. Please save yourself, your son and husband need you.

Antianxiety medications come in two forms. One is medications like buspar that are long acting. They take a while to kick in. But they are very very helpful.

The other kind is short acting, like xanax and valium. If you take them for long term issues you can end up addicted. They also CAUSE depression if taken for more than about a month. They will help until the other medications kick in though. I took them one week a month for a LONG time. BUT my doctor knew I only took them for PMS. He called them a "30" medication. You could have 30 doses a month, you took half a .5 mg tablet and it worked in 30 minutes. Taken every 4 to 6 hours you had enough for dealing with PMS. He NEVER gave you an increase in dose, you were NOT supposed to take them daily (He even would ask husband if I took them every day. He asked about once every 4-6 months when it was time for a new prescription.) and he NEVER gave you more than 15 tablets, or 30 doses (if the very first month the .25 mg dose didn't work he would increase it to .5 mg. If later you said it didn't work he told you not to take them daily, if you only took them one week a month you didn't build up tolerance, even when taken that way for years.)

You NEED the longer term anxiety treatment. The short term may help in the short term, but the way you are seeking out muscle relaxers to deal with long term problems should be a warning to you. You ARE at risk for addiction, so you may not want to take the short term medications. Some medications are not as addicting as xanax or valium but are still short term. Ask your doctor if a different medication than xanax or valium would be a good idea, given that this problem is long term and will not just disappear.

PLEASE seek out NA. Your son is your light and joy. But he will NOT be happy in the long run if he has to deal with a mom who is hooked on prescription medications. Soon the dose you are taking won't work. You will need more to get the feeling you want. PLEASE stop before you get to that point. Get some REAL help. Help you do not have to lie to get. Just the fact that you are lieing to get medications is a sign you need help, real help.

I know you are in terrible emotional pain. But getting addicted to muscle relaxers will NOT help. It will end up inflicting further damage on those you love, those who love YOU. Take your daughter's behaviors to get drugs as a real warning. Addiction is a FAMILY disease. It can be inherited. The emotional pain you are in won't go away with addiction - it will get worse and you will end up hurting your family even more.

I know you don't want that. So see your doctor. And keep that appointment with mental health. If there is a university nearby they may offer help as a way to help train students. It is usually very inexpensive. And NA meetings are free. Even with medications from YOUR doctor that are intended for YOU, the meetings are needed. They will help you deal with the pain you are in, rather than just helping you deaden the pain with short term medications. Long term medications will also help you become able to deal with the pain.

Please know that I care and am worried about you. Please don't hurt yourself with muscle relaxers any more than you already have.
 
I willl say yes anti-anxiety drugs work. I have been on zoloft for 7 years! I started taking it when my son dropped out of school and then his and our problems began. If I hadnt taken something to take the edge off I would be in a mental institution by now. You dont really need to feel numb to get by. It will just make you dependent on the "feeling" and the drugs that give it. You need to be in control of your emotions but may need help with an SSRI drug - Prozac, Lexapro, Paxil, Zoloft are some good ones. I can tell the difference when I am not on it - not really physcially but emotionally. It doesnt give me a relaxed or high feeling but helps me control my emotions. You should give it a try and give up the muscle relaxers - dont use that addict mentality of lying for what you think you need. Hang in and go to a doctor. You can do it.
 

missy44

New Member
I'm so sorry you are going through this. My heart goes out to you and your family. We have no control after a certain point in our children's lives and you can help them if they want help.

You need to look after number one now (YOU) because you're worth it. You've done all you can and now it's up to your daughter. From what I understand sometimes these kids come around on their own. I pray that she'll be one of them.

I know the feeling of being so disgusted in our kids and their choices. I am still fighting that feeling right now even though mine seems to be on the right path right now (but I don't take for granted that it can change in a heart beat).

I wish I could reach out and take your pain away. Please don't use the muscle relaxants, in the end they won't do the trick and may lead to more troubles. Do find someone to talk to and get some anti/depressants/anxiety medication and lots of therapy for yourself. Once you're strong enough you'll be able to function more clearly.

Wishing you the warmest thoughts...
 

busywend

Well-Known Member
I have thought about you and your daughter often. I am so sorry to hear it has come to this. I can not imagine the pain you are feeling.

Do whatever you can to help yourself get through this. She will figure things out for herself, in time.

HUGS!
 

Jena

New Member
All i'm going to do is give you (((Hugs))) everyone else's words have touched me just reading them.

You are def in my prayers, you are a strong strong woman and yes i know this is so so wrong, yet everyone's bottom is different in life. You have done all you can do, in time i hope you can find solace in that. Take care of you as you have been (((Hugs)))
 
N

Nomad

Guest
Dearest Shawna,
I am so sorry. You are right, this is "utter heartbreak." No mother should have to experience, what you are experiencing. It is so very painful.
You strongly sense what you need to do for yourself and that is to get therapy in a hurry. Have you been able to do that yet? Who can you safely confide in about this? Do you have a minister or other religious person you can speak with? What about a parent? Do you have a best friend? I would give these things serious thought. Surely, this is a burden to big to keep to yourself. Remember, your daughter's decisions are hers. She is not well AND she is 18 years old. You are NOT accountable for this behavior of hers. You can throw her a life preserver when and where you are able. Keep a good thought that she will make better choices down the road. That's it. She has to make the decision to help herself...you are very right about this. You can not do the work for her. You absolutely must, get help for yourself. PLEASE also consider googling Families Anonymous or NA and get to a meeting asap. The group support will be invaluable for you. Getting a real life sponsor to talk with...would be priceless and powerful to your wellbeing. As hard as it is, try NOT to think about what has just happened here. Concentrate on getting well again. Again, you might provide some resources (rehab, etc.) for your difficult child if you are willing and able, but put the greater emphasis at this time on your health...spiritually, mentally and emotionally. Put one foot in front of the other...push forward to a healthy and happy life each day. It's not easy, but it is worth the great effort. My heart aches for you. We each hear and feel your great pain. Sending warm hugs and good thoughts for your wellbeing.
 
Hi Shawna, I'm new here but wanted to offer my support. It's great that you have lost 40# and have been taking care of yourself before all this new heartache-- keep it up, don't go under! I know you won't.

Jo xxoo
 
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bran155

Guest
You have all given me such great advice. I know the muscle relaxers are not the way to go. In the past week I have only taken them 3 times, at night to sleep. And I know, even that is not smart. I only have about 3-4 left and no way to get anymore, so I won't be taking them again. I don't like xanax or valium, I have taken both before and hated the way I felt on them. So heavy and out of it! I would much rather be on the long lasting ones like, Zoloft or Paxil, one of those. I just have such trouble sleeping. When I finally do fall asleep it's only for a short time before I wake up again. I truly cannot remember the last time I slept through the night! It's been this way for many years but has gotten much worse with all that is happening.

She called my sister yesterday and asked where I was. My sister explained to her that I am unable to speak with her. She said she wants to come by and see me. I don't want to see her!!! I don't know if that is right or wrong but it is the way I feel. I can't see her right now. I am just so disgusted and hurt, I am afraid of how I will feel. I try my best to put this all out of my mind, as if she is just on vacation or something! Oh how I wish that were the case!!!

I don't know if I could have made it this far without the support of my sister. She is amazing and we have an amazaing relationship! She has been right there with me and my daughter, on the front lines, from day one! She has taken a lot of my burden from me and carried it herself. She is such a blessing in my life.

Thank you so much for all of your concern. I know you all are so very right about self medicating! Each day that passes it gets a tiny bit easier. I just never know when she will drag us back into her tornado, ya know? I could be doing fine and then boom, something happens and she drags us all back into the chaos!!! It's a really carppy way to live, ya know?
 

jbrain

Member
Hi Shawna,
I've thought of you so often but was hoping things were going okay. I'm so sorry to hear they are not. Please do take care of yourself. Your difficult child is an addict and it has taken over her life. You have done everything you could and she knows you are there for her if and when she decides she wants something different. I know it is so hard to be so helpless to help your beloved dtr.

Keep coming here, we'll all support you as well as we can. We care,
Jane
 

jbrain

Member
Shawna,
Hi again, just saw your latest post. I think you are doing the right thing by not seeing your dtr--she sees you as a safety net and til she no longer has one I don't think she will quit what she is doing. Probably just talking to you or seeing you is enabling her so you are doing the right thing.

I'm glad your sister is there for you--she does sound amazing!

hugs,
Jane
 

susiestar

Roll With It
Your sister sounds AMAZING!! Be sure you show her your appreciation and love for her!

I would refuse to see difficult child. If she comes by the house do not let her in unless she can PROVE she is in drug treatment and therapy to get out of her chosen lifestyle. She won't get out of the lifestyle until she is drug free, and drug free will ONLY come with a break from her lifestyle. So if you see her, and get dragged back into the tornado of conflama (conflict + drama = conflama), then it only feeds her need for her lifestyle. You ARE her safety net. Now is the time to take that net away. She can EARN it back by getting clean, sober, and out of the hooking lifestyle.

Get into a medical doctor. Preferable a psychiatrist, and also a therapist for therapy. The psychiatrist will rx medications. You need the long term SSRI medications, but do NOT take effexor until you have tried other medications and failed them. Once you hit a certain dose the side effects from effexor can be terrifying. I thought I was going to die. husband thought he was going to have to force me to check in to a psychiatric hospital. stopping it was HARD. I actually had to take prozac to get through the withdrawal symptoms. I only learned how that would help from an online friend. There is a chemical reason and it only took 1 prozac a week to deal with them and make me feel like a person again.

You also may need ambien CR or lunesta for sleep. Or trazadone is often used. I took one fourth of a 25mg tablet and it knocked me out. But I woke up in 8 or 9 hours and was really refreshed. Wiz takes 75 mg and finally is sleeping through the night. He started at half of a 25 mg tablet and titrated up until he found his dose. Elavil is also often given for help with sleep.

Sending lots of hugs to you!!
 
I understand completely! I feel I am in the same boat. I cannot see my difficult child either. He drags me right in every single time. It is awful to know that just seeing them gives them what they need. I always tell him I love him but will not enable him anymore. Everytime he calls and says can you come and pick me up I will say no - the last time I picked hiim up he wanted money and another ride to somewhere I wasnt going and then if I dont do it he calls me names and screams andyells - I am not putting up with that anymore from my son or anyone - I dont deserve that - so it helps me to stay sane by not entering into his chaos - if he ever wants help he knows we will be there but sometimes he even uses that to get here -
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
You,

ARE A FORCE. You are a voice. You are not a wilting leaf that shrivels up in the corner unnoticed and blows away with a light wind. You are an oak. You will surive this. Does it hurt? Yes. Is it the most painful thing she could throw at you right now? Sure. Is she doing this to hurt you? I don't think so. She's not well. There is NOTHING you can do to "fix her". She is, simply who she is. You did what you could to fix her and that was a noble thing. You WERE the best Mommie in the WORLD and you know what? YOU STILL ARE. No one took that from you. You didn't FAIL her. You didn't NOT succeed at being her Mom and she didn't fail at being your daughter. She's just who she is. Broken or not. Distant or not. There is love there. Just not the love your mind pictured it would be and THAT is what hurts us as Moms of kids like ours. THAT is what lets us down time after time and slams us on the ground. If we woke up every morning and said Well Lord - today I expect him to lay in a gutter, drink Boones Farm apple wine and smoke pot, while holding out his hand for nickles, stay filthy and pee on himself - and he got up, went out and got a change of clothes and worked at Labor force? We'd cut flips across the yard - but nope - our hopes are higher and higher until we just can't imagine our kids doing what they do. And you think...and say - OH but Star - SHES a prostitute - HOW can I EVER face the world I'm so ashamed. (shrugs) - Heck I still love her. I'd still introduce her as my neice. I'd still spit on a kleenex and wipe smudge off her face and have a burger and coffee with her. She's human - she makes and will continue to make mistakes....
Will she stop? I dunno Shawna. Will your worrying and crying make her stop? Nope. Neither will mine - I sit here and tears fall on my keyboard and I picture her doing what she's doing and I picture you crying and thinking what you're thinking and it hurts. But for all my upset and tears over both or either of you - it fixes very little.

So what to do? Well - how about - get busy and be that oak I think you are? You know I went out on Google and Googled things like Support for Parents of Teen Prostitutes - NOTHING. And Understanding Teen prostitutes from a parents point of view and there is a VERY narrow viewpoint...either they think the kid was abused at a young age or ignored in the home. This in NOT the case with your kid - so BE THE VOICE....TELL YOUR STORY - START A SUPPORT GROUP FOR OTHER PARENTS AND GET ANGRY AND DO SOMETHING - START A WEB SITE for OTHER parents who are sitting and CRYING and have the WHAT DO I DO NOW where do I go shakes.....and tears. Maybe - invite the GIRLS to come too. Maybe they will - maybe they won't...free condoms - free food - 30 minute meetings on safety - I mean - you could do this. YOU ARE AN OAK - and I'm going to say this because you said it and because there is an if in every teen situation - but IF you were to loose her - you'd KNOW how it feels - and then WHAT would you be able to tell OTHER parents of teen girls that you DID - to HELP THEM NOT LOOSE their girls? Maybe if your kid saw you do this? Who knows (shrugs again) passes kleenex.

I'm sorry - I don't mean to make you cry (yes you are) oaks cry - do too.

This is all I could find to help you read and understand -
http://books.google.com/books?id=4GWZ3NWMKZEC&pg=PA11&dq=Understanding+teen+prostitution

I dunno - there are not a lot of books out there - maybe write your own when you can.

Education is a powerful healing tool.....

Hugs and much Love
Star
 

gcvmom

Here we go again!
Sending up prayers for your continued strength and courage, for your continued wisdom and serenity, for your healing heart and peace of mind. No parent should ever have to go through something like this, and I'm sorry you're in it now.

(((((HUGS)))))
 

susiestar

Roll With It
Star you speak an amazing truth. There truly IS nothing out there about kids like ours who do the things our kids do.

But our kids, the difficult children, are becoming more common. If this many of us around the world found this site, there is a big problem. We are the tip of teh iceberg because many parents are too naive, ashamed or embarrassed to ask for help.

It takes warrior parents like us, like the woman who started Mothers Against Drunk Drivers, like the women who started teh Autism groups online, who will create the help for our children's children. And for the children of the teen children who are having babies of their own.

The growth of the portion of the population who are difficult children is growing. It doesn't matter why. Not to me. I would rather worry about finding out what works to help. And then about spreading the word about this help.

Sort of like the regular people, the warrior people in everyday lives who started AA. Or NA, or any other group.

It is up to US to pave the way for the generations to come. Will we give them a guidebook? Or let them flounder?

I need to ponder what I can do to help. That will by my goal for the rest of this month.
 

Marguerite

Active Member
Shawna, Star is right.

You have choices. With everything that has been dumped on you, it would be so easy to sink. But what would that achieve? Would it help your daughter? Nope. Would the sight of you sunk in misery get through to her when nothing else has? Nope, so don't even be tempted. Would you sinking in misery help the rest of your family? Nope. Would it hurt less? Nope.

So that means the only way is up. It's NOT easy. Sometimes it's darn hard. But take it form me - it is far easier to drag yourself out form under all that rubbish, than to stay there a minute longer.

It is incredibly stressful to have to live with any of this. But psychologists know that the most effective way to survive stress, is to feel you're actually DOING something, even if what you do isn't making any different. Simply beleiving you COULD make a different eventually, can turn the crud into gold.

Think about it - what have you been through? A great deal. What good is any of it - the abuse, the assault, the misery of watching your child go down the drain? From one point, absolutely none. But YOU can make it worth something. WHy endure it, if you can't make good use of it?

The value of what you have been through, is experience. YOU have endured and you are still alive. Of course you are burned, wounded, injured. But healing happens when you let it. And even while waiting for healing, you can begin to work using your experience to be there for other mothers. You don't need brains, you don't need knowledge, you don't need corporate capability. You just need passion (you have that!) and experience (plenty of that, too).

Stop trying to rescue your daughter. A rescue on your terms is not a rescue. She has to get herself out of this because only then can she own it. If she never does - your involvement wouldn't change a thing. Yes, she could die. But that will not be your fault. You have already put in as much as you could, to ensure her survival. It is somewhere there in her mind, in the upbringing you gave her. You have done your job as a mother when it comes to teaching your daughter the right way to live. She took what you gave her then made her own choices. You can't do any more than you have; all you can do there now, is watch and wait. Or if you can't stand it, then don't look. It's like watching your kid at the circus, walking the high wire without a safety net when they have no experience. You can't look. All you can do is hope that you instilled in her enough knowledge of what to do. SHE made the choice to get up there, she has to live with that choice.

So get back to you. You have other obligations. You have other tasks in your life. And the fastest way to begin to feel better, is to DO something for other people in your shoes.

Who else can really know the misery of a mother watching this happen? Who else can be loving and supportive of such a mother, when all people around her are saying, "You must have allowed your child to be abused, for this to be happening now."?

Start small. Inform yourself. Find a local sexual health clinic and maybe put up a leaflet there, asking any parents of such kids to call you to meet somewhere for coffee. Or put up leaflets at churches. Talk to a social worker about the sort of problems they see, and find out what needs to be done.

There is a huge need here. A lack of information, a lack of services.

Write it all down. Writing is good terapy. YOu write with passion - I'm sure you feel a lot better after you have posted here about the most recent problems. So continue it through, write the whole story from her early days, through to her upbringing, to her diagnosis with bipolar, the medications problems - write the lot. Where you need accurate medical info, maybe get her doctor to write those bits or oversee what you write in those sections. But YOU would be the author, writing form the mother's point of view.

The world needs this. You need this. And in the long run, not only your daughter but all other similar daughters will benefit from this.

If your daughter does not survive this, then at least this will mean the misery is put to good purpose to maybe save other mother's daughters.

But you never know - this could save her as well.

Frankly, I think it's the best chance for all of you.

Marg
 

svengandhi

Well-Known Member
I am sorry to hear that your daughter is continuing to make bad choices.

As for medications, my friend is a shrink and she really hesitates to prescribe anti-anxiety medications because she says they are very addictive and can build up and backfire.

When my life was going to the dogs for non-difficult child related reasons, I took Lexapro for a few months. I took it at 8 - 9 PM and it helped me to relax enough that I could sleep. It did not make me tired in the mornings if I took it by 9 and it took about an hour to work for me, though I could stay up later. It worked for me within 2 days and when I stopped taking it, I had no withdrawal or other symptoms. Sometimes, I wish I could still take it but my current insurance doesn't cover it.

medications work differently for everyone but this might be an option for you.
 
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bran155

Guest
I am so moved by all of your responses! Your words coddle my aching heart, truly they do. I wish that I would have come back for support long ago. You all are so wonderful and kind. There is no one else in my world who could possibly understand how hurtful this is, other than you all. I know that I can say anything here and be understood. To know that makes this life a bit easier, isn't that what we all need, to be understood???

I am working hard everyday to stay afloat. I have been doing okay. It's something that never, NEVER, leaves my mind but I am learning to live with it. I worry all of the time but don't let it control my daily life. I put my game face on and face the day. I would not be able to do so if it not for my little guy, who puts a smile on my face everyday! He is my inspiration to go on. I truly believe that he was a gift to me, the greatest gift I could have ever gotten!!! He brightens my world and makes my life worth living! I continue to detach, have setbacks from time to time but for the most part I am holding up better than I thought I would. It's hardest at night as I know she is at "work" destroying her soul. And that pig is making money off of her illness. That just makes me incredibley angry!!! I would love to rip his eyes out, among other things!!! I know in my heart that I have done everything in my power and then some, over the years to help her. This is out of my hands, I know that. It just hurts so badly! I have no regrets, I left no stone unturned! It's just a very sad existence is all. I do fall apart, but those meltdowns get fewer and further apart as time goes by. I just wish that I could get out of my head for a while as the thoughts never go away. No matter where I am or what I am doing, I am thinking of her. It is so consuming and suffocating, I want so much to taste freedom. I can't break free. I will go on. I will get through this. I have other people in my life to live for. I will, I will, I will!!!! I finally love me again and that feels really good, I do not want to go back to the weak sap I was for many years. I have come too far for that!

Star: You are absolutely amazing!!! You did make me cry (as did many of the responses), but it was an empowering cry! You ignited a strength in me that I always knew I had. Your words shot through me like a cupid's arrow! I so needed that! You are so right! I am an oak!!! It's amazing at what one can live through if pushed to it! We have these kids and unfortunately they grow up to have minds of their own, do what they want no matter what we want for them. My daughter has taken that to the extreme, a bitter pill to swallow but life goes on nonetheless, right? I will go back and re-read your post many, many times as it will be my inspiration to wake up and live everyday! You know, I have always made choices with my daughter's needs first. My needs did not matter. I would endure anything she shoved upon me as I felt it was my duty as a mother. Now, my needs matter too. I will not take her phone calls because I can't handle them even if she is hurt by that, I simply don't care. I need to make choices so that I can live not so that I can save her. I know that I am not the one who can save her, she is the only one that can. Guilt sometimes creeps in but I fight that off as I truly know that I have been a good mother to her and now I have to be good to the rest of my family, as well as myself. She no longer is my puppet master!!! I am the owner of my life. My life will now be lived on my terms!!! Thank you so very much for your thoughtful and powerful response!!! You are a good auntie!!! And a good friend!!!

This site is made up of people that I aspire to be like. Each and every one of you have touched my life in ways that no one else could. It really does feel like home here. There is a sense of family here that I could not find anywhere else! Thank you my friends. I wish all of you the best.

I will keep you posted.

With much love and gratitude,
Shawna :)
 
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