Hello everyone, long time no see

[pigless in VA]

I tried to post yesterday but I lost it all. I may try posting in short batches since what I have to say is lengthy. Shoot, lost is all again! I'll get the hang of it soon.

husband committed suicide this past December. It's his story that I wanted to tell in case it may help someone here.

difficult child is now in sixth grade and doing welll on no medications. He has a diagnosis of ADHD and took ritatilin last year with good success. He didn't like how it upset his stomach though. He also has a partial diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I will continue to watch him for additional signs.

easy child is now in the third grade and doing well.

I am still working part-time for the preschool and will continue to do so for the next year.

 

[TerryJ2]

Hi, and welcome, pigless in VA. I don't know if we've met, but since I'm in VA (and also pigless, by choice, although not catless or dogless) I thought I'd say "hi."

I am shocked and so sorry about your husband. You must be at a very centered and calm place to be able to write about his suicide to help others. Bravo!

I'll check back to see what else you've written. Many hugs for what you have all gone through.

 

[pigless in VA]

Hi, Terry. I used to be a CD regular but dropped off when I returned to work part-time. I am also dogless at present but I do have cats, rabbits and fish.

Yes, I've reached a point at which I can talk about husband and his illness without much emotion. The past 2 years have been incredibly draining but we survived. I wanted him to survive with us but he simply could not.

Thank you Janet for fixing it so I could continue to post. I'll keep after it until I get it all written down. Bear with me.

Those who remember me will recall that husband was a recovered alcoholic and a life long depressive. I watched him swing between normal and depression but I didn't see true mania until summer of 2010.

husband was diagnosed with ADHD and had been on adderall for maybe 5 years. His psychiatrist switched his antidepressant to cymbalta about 2 years ago. For awhile this combination appeared to work well for him. I shall pick up with the rest of the story in the morning.

 

[Star*]

Hi Pigless

My condolences for your family. I remember you, and am sorry the news of your return wasn't better. I understand completely your statement about wanting him to survive with you, but he could not. My uncle lived with us, was more of a Grandpa for Dude than his own real Gpa ever was and took his own life after not ever returning from Vietnam. Simply a note on the door one afternoon telling saying he was sorry, not to come in - call 911. I had no idea at all, none that he had plans to take his life. We were to travel that day to see family. It was a complete and utter shock. No tell-tale signs, nothing. Just talked that morning and then gone.

I do hope you are able to post your husband's story because you never do know what you write that can help someone else. I think that is very brave of you. Dude is 20, it took him a long time to understand it all. His brother died two years ago in a car accident and he's not quite over that yet, but dealing. So it's been a long weird couple of years for us too. I hope your kids are doing okay through it all. So glad to see you come here again.

Hugs & love
Star

 

[tiredmommy]

{{{Pigless}}} I've missed you and the family. I'm so sorry that husband's tragic suicide is what brought you back to us. {{{Hugs}}}

 

[timer lady]

Pigless, my dear, it's so good to see you again. For those of you who don't know our dear pigless, she helped me select my board name & is a true warrior mum.

It's brave that you would share your husband's story. You are a true woman of grace & dignity & I still have the utmost respect for you, dear friend.

 

[donna723]

Pigless, I remember you too! It's good to see you again but I'm so sorry for the circumstances that brought you back to us. We've missed you.

 

[Hound dog]

Pigless (((((hugs)))))

Will have to give you past user names and let you pick the one you remember.......... Daisylover or TMom (snoopy kids lol )

Missed you!!

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. I hope you're able to post your whole story. You never know who it may touch at just the right moment of need.

 

[DammitJanet]

I have had a unique relationship with pigless since we met on this board. Not long after she started posting here, she said something about where she was from and started naming neighborhoods and suddenly we realized that we went to school together! LOL How odd is that for two people who didnt really know each well in school and one who completely left the state after HS would find each other almost 30 years later on such a topic specific website!

I realize husband has suffered for years with issues that have driven all of you nearly batty. He must have settled down some for a bit because last I heard I thought you could be headed for a separation. Now Im glad you were able to avoid that. I cannot believe the kids are so big! easy child in third grade? Not possible...lol. I still remember her in the Bob the Builder outfit! I was telling Tony she might be about 3 years older than Keyana. Guess I was wrong. Keyana wll be 5 in June...lol.

 

[susiestar]

It is great to hear from you again, pigless. I am so sorry about your husband. I know you and he had a long road and had weathered many storms. I am glad the kids are doing well and that you are at a point wehre you can talk about your husband. It is sad when someone we love gets so overwhelmed that suicide seems the only viable way to cope.

(((((hugs)))))

 

[Estherfromjerusalem]

Hello Pigless, of course I remember you. We almost met, do you remember, when I visited the States and spent time with my first cousins in Virginia, but it just didn't work out.

I am so sorry about your husband. You seem to be coping with it magnificently. What a strong person you are!! I wish you continued strength.

It's good having you back here with us. It feels right.

Love, Esther

 

[lovemysons]

Dear pigless,
Just another here wanting to express care and support
I am so very sorry to hear of the tragic loss of your husband.

Am glad to hear that your difficult child and easy child are doing so well.
You do sound very much like a strong survivor of so much.
I look forward to getting reaquointed...I think you have alot to teach us all.

Caring hugs,
Tammy

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Dear One Without Pigs,

You know I remember you!

I'm sorry to hear about husband but it's good to hear that the children are doing well. I can't believe difficult child is in middle school and the little one is in 3rd grade! Time really does fly.

Glad you came back.

Sharon

 

[pigless in VA]

It's great but also a little sad to see so many familiar people here. Sad because all of us have reason to be here in the first place, I suppose.

easy child is sick today and needs to see the doctor. It's just strept throat again, I think. But it may take me awhile to post more on husband. In the meantime, I did want to say that Kris was right about him. She told me many times that he was a "dry drunk" which meant that he never learned how to cope with life. She was entirely correct. She always wanted me to leave him and start a life without him, I simply could not because a part of me understood that he wouldn't be able to cope without me. I don't regret doing my best by him. In chosing that path, I allowed my children more time with him. Granted, the majority of that time he was unable to enjoy them, but there were some moments of joy with their father. My job now is to help them to remember the good parts of him.

Sharon, I think of you every time I'm in your neck of the woods
Tammy, Esther, Donna, Susie, Daisylover (thanks for the flashback), Star, tiredmommy, I remember all of you. TM are you still tired?

Janet and Linda are special friends whom I have thought of often even though I couldn't bring myself to return to CD.

 

[TerryJ2]

Daisylover? I know that name. I think we HAVE met.

 

[busywend]

I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad you can come back to the site to discuss it so others may benefit.

by the way, I am sure you are aware that we lost 2 members since you left, Kris & Joybells.

Hope easy child is feeling better soon!

 

[tiredmommy]

Yes P, I'm absolutely exhausted, lol!

 

[Mattsmom277]

I remember you well too and I am another who is happy to hear the kids are doing relatively well, and saddened on the loss of your husband. It sounds like a very difficult road you've traveled but your last post seems to show that you look back knowing you stood there with your husband through it all and I hope that helps you emotionally.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Welcome back, pigless, and howdy neighbor. I'm in your area as well. I'm so sorry for your loss; I cannot imagine how difficult that must be for you and your children.

 

[pigless in VA]

Mattsmom and Crazy, I remember both of you, too.

Wendy, yes, I knew that both Kris and Joy have died. They live in all our hearts, I know.

TM, take some vitamins, woman!

My husband took a turn for the worse about 3 years ago. He spent 3 months not speaking to me at all, and I mean not a word. It was at that point that I realized there wasn't much I could do to help him and that I needed to be sure that I was taking care of myself. Something shifted in me that summer, and I no longer worried much about husband and his fickle moods. I did sometimes try to make him aware that his medication regime did not seem to be working. I asked him to get another psychiatrist's opinion, but he did not want to change. What I saw happening was him cycling up every day on the adderall and cymbalta, only to then have great trouble with sleeping at night. He took trazadone and ambien and a few other sleep aids.

He began to have severe leg pain about 2 years ago and was often taking vicodin to control the pain. For husband, vicodin acted as another stimulant and I saw all of these build up in him and make him more irritable than usual. Then he got the not-so-brilliant idea of smoking marijuana to reduce the leg pain. He started smoking it last spring and his mental health steadily deteriorated.

I had planned a short trip with the kids for the first week of August. The day before I was supposed to leave, husband threatened to commit suicide while I was gone. I couldn't leave knowing he was in mental anguish, so I called 911. The police came and he agreed to be voluntarily committed. He spent a week in the hospital while we were at Great Wolf Lodge. When I went to get him out, he seemed much better although there were no medication changes. He had apparently befriended many people in the hospital and seemed to have a more grounded outlook.