When we did therapy(twice) they just kept saying I must be doing something wrong and am probably just overwhelmed by the "newness" of raising 3 kids. My 13 yr old began having stress siezures which really looks as extreme as epileptic seizures...so I got her into therapy and her therapist never even talked to her! They would only speak to me...so I set her up with a school counselor. What kind of therapist would be a not "regular" therapist...
This is often what happens with traditional family therapy or child therapists. It is a very specialized area and any book on reactive attachment disorder, adopting toddlers or older children, etc...when they discuss this subject they say that typical therapists can do more harm than good. Many of the books help you to know what to look for, One of the premiere therapy places we had in our metro area, who worked with many foster kids, said they had a lot of experience working with attachment. It became clear (and I gave it four sessions) quickly that they worked with traditional conduct disorder etc...at this time my son was THREE and had just had brain surgery! She wanted to play with him alone and then talk to me...he was non verbal! He didn't play back and forth play at all, only lined things up and I had read enough to know she had to work with OUR bond not getting his feelings out, uggg) I fired her.
One thing that is warned is that all therapy be done with the family as a unit(except for very specific tasks when they have you leave and come back...), because a part of attachment disorder is that the child can triangulate and tell lies and pit adults against eachother. Yes there is a time and place for a child to be able to have traditional therapy but not while learning that YOU are the trusted one. One place I went to would not even let anyone else walk yoru child to the rest room, the child needed all comforting and directions given from the mom/dad. Remember, this is a survival thing for them, not a character flaw, they have had so many care takers that they have to learn to get what they can from each one in the only ways that have worked in the past. They don't get it that there is one primary person who is so committed and bonded to them and that person/or 2 parents, will protect and make sure everything is ok, that they will always be protected. That is just not how it was for them so they are not wired to act that way. For them, taking the risk of getting close to someone again means literally that their whole world could be destroyed again, that risk is simply too painful (assuming there was any small period of time as an infant they bonded with at least a mom, some kids didn't even get that). There are so many different levels and different degrees so i am just talking about what you are describing, the kind of situation with multiple disruptions and a lack of continual/consistent early bonding which is the time of life when our ability to trust/attach is developed. Broken bonds and attachment that happens later can cause terrible chaos and issues but it is not the same--the ability to trust is in there somewhere and can sometimes be recovered, but the early broken bonds are sometimes not able to fully be repaired...the child can be wired to not be able to attach to other people. This does not mean they will not have any kind of successful life, but it may look very different from a typical life that we dream of for our kids. Some kids do heal to a degree, some do well if they are never forced to have to attach or bond to someone so they actually do better in a residential setting where they are cared for and about but the pressure of the risk of rejection from a parent is not present. Sounds strange but it is true for a small number of people. Of course there are some who just do not at all care for others and may need high supervision for life. Some things you mention are a little different from many kids with the severe end of attachment disorder or could suggest other issues....like that he is more aggressive away from you than with you. The really scary kids in my humble opinion (and I'm just sharing from experience and other friends etc....)are those that are able to manipulate others into thinking they are amazing and sweet but then with the parent/s they have terrible behaviors. In front of others they may act all sweet to the parent/s. Some only do this to the mom and are sweet around the dad and sibs. Some are this way to the entire family at home, or to anyone vulnerable to them.
But you are saying he is more violent away from home and you say you are "hard" I wonder if you mean you are structured and consistent? If he has a neurological disability that is contributing to this, consistency or clear rules even if they seem super strict may be comforting and helpful to his style of learning. Since you say any kind of change is hard, that is common in some neurological disabilities including fetal alcohol disorder, autism, etc...and some mental health diagnosis's like bi-polar and schizophrenia etc....(by the way, start a different thread about how to help with transitions and change, many of us go through that and we could all share ideas, maybe some would help, I can always use some new ideas for sure!)
yeah, there is a lot going on, a lot to sort through and it could be a combination of things (that is what happened in my son's case) so if there is any way to see a more general specialist for assessment like a neuropsychologist then you may be able to get more support through your county etc. Once a child has a "label" you can sometimes get financial help and respite from the county. Given you did a foster adoption, you may be able to access post adoption services and finances. They do not want to have to pay for him to go back into care, it is cheaper for them to help get you services so go ahead and call, make suggestions about not being able to care for him without support, etc....they may step up! Our counties around here have disability units that will provide case management and help find funding for therapies etc. (this is not child protection)...we have separate mental health case management too. Lots of places around the usa have this, some areas do not. I'd certainly check just in case....(if you haven't that is)
Do not worry that the past therapies said you were causing this, they were just not educated and many are not. Hang in there, do research about Attachment Disorder and other disabilities that you think might be a part of what is going on. (only specifically saying attachment disorder because of the history and symptoms, not because it IS that, we would have no way to know that or say that here....only you and a specialist can decide that)
Well, this post might not make any sense because I have been interrupted at least six times, lol....I apologize if I repeated anything or didn't finish thoughts! I am sure you can relate....LOL
