Hello, update from my he**

[Coookie]

I love hearing about Tim too. The rollercoaster story reminded me of my difficult child and my husband... I too ended up sitting on a bench. :smile:

Like I said in my first response, everyone handles grief differently and the same person can handle it differently every time. When my dad died, my sisters and my stepmom were really concerned about me because all I wanted to do was be by myself. This was in 2001. It wasn't that I didn't care about them, I was just better able to handle the loss that way. Yet when my in-laws passed I wanted to be with family.

Loosing someone so young is much harder to face and deal with I think and perhaps he does not really know how to comfort you and deal with his own feelings too. What he said when he and Tim were being pulled out by the tide shows that he really did care for him.

I agree that it is a "male thing" to try to fix and I think it is a natural instinct for them to protect those they love but in this case he couldn't do that. :frown: He couldn't protect Tim, nor you, from this horrible tragedy. :frown:

Just some thoughts.

Please keep sharing.

Gentle hugs...

 

[catwoman]

I don't know what happened, but I wanted to send my thoughts and prayers for you and your family on your loss. I can't begin to imagine the pain.

 

[AllStressedOut]

Bette, is there a bank account set up for the reward fund? If so, if its not permitted to post it, can you PM it to me?

I can not imagine what you are going through right now and to not have the support of your ex or your boyfriend, how hard that must be. This is a time you need everyone to rally around you and be there for you.

I hope time eases the pain. I also hope that the DA cuts difficult child some slack right now. Your family needs some healing time.

 

[Suz]

Bette, I can't tell you what is going on with your boyfriend but I can certainly agree with the others who suggested that people sometimes grieve in unexpected ways.

So imagine how out of control you are feeling now. But women are smarter, you know :wink: . Women know to gain comfort from talking to friends or giving/receiving hugs or doing whatever they have to to get them through the next few minutes or hours or days.

Men (sorry fellas) just don't have the same emotional coping skills. They tend to be full of denial, hate perceived "weakness", and see the emotional side of life as uncomfortable. I can easily see how your boyfriend is so overwhelmed with "feelings" that he doesn't have a clue what to do with them and he sure doesn't want to show them (heaven forbid!), and probably scared to death that if he started to acknowledge them that he'd fall completely apart.

So he hides instead.

I hope he comes around. After all of the sadness my then-husband and I had with Rob, we should have been able to comfort each other. But we couldn't and didn't and it ended up being one of the things that ended our marriage. If you had a strong relationship before this happened, I hope you will be able to find comfort in each other now...or at least in a little bit.

In the meantime, thank you so much for telling us about Tim. I hope you will tell us more. He sounds like a young man who had a lot of challenges, then stepped up to the plate and succeeded. What an amazing loss to you and to his friends. It would have been an honor to know him.

Hugs,
Suz

 

[gottaloveem]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: tpcmom</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Suz, I'd love the tell you a bit about him.

When Tim was about 7 he was diagnosis'd with bipolar. Up until about 4 years ago he had a real struggle. Then he had a weight problem. I got him a trampoline that he was on day and night, and boy he lost a lot of weight and become more self assured. What a difference. all the girls started talking to him and calling him. He had a lot of friends, but they stayed at my house most of the time. He loved playing xbox 360, lifting weights, and playing on the computer. He was a homebody and pretty shy. But his smile lit the room and he had big beautiful blue eyes, the only one who kept the blue eyes out of my boys. He had a contagious laugh, one time we went to the movies and this one part which was sort of funny, but no one in the theater laughed, until Tim got the joke about 20 seconds later and burst out laughing so hard, he got the whole theater laughing! He went with me everywhere, and always had to bring a friend, even to his therapy meetings one of his friends would go with us and they would sit out in the waiting room, LOL. He had to have one of his friends sleep over every weekend because "it was good to have someone to hang with when you wake up" and every weekend he did. I used to tease him that he was like a girl with sleep overs every weekend and he'd just smile and say one day I'll stop. He loved animals especially cats, his favorite was Angel who he said followed him like a dog (which she did). He didn't watch to much TV, mostly movies or he was playing xbox his favorite game was Oblivian III, he even begged for the same game on the computer. He was very obsessive, when he got something in his mind he couldn't let it go, like he wanted a book and he'd bug me and bug me until we would finally go get that book because he couldn't stop thinking about it. Used to drive me crazy! But that could have been a bipolar trait LOL.

Tim was talking about how when I got him into a trade school he would learn a new trade, maybe car mechanic, and he would have a good job and get a nice house, get married and have 2 kids. He would get a Doberman Pinsher and not a sissy dog like I have now LOL. He would be able to give me money and help me pay my bills.

I could go on and on, but now I'm starting to cry. Thank you for letting me do this, I needed to remember these things instead of what happened to him. I have to remember the good things because he was a great person.</div></div>

Oh yes please share anytime. I know I once posted a thread about some fun things about Alex. At the time, I told everyone I needed to because I was usually like this :smile: when I came here in regards to my Alex.

I think it is neat that Timmy liked to have friends sleep over.It was nice of you to let him I know that having kids sleeping over every weekend can get crazy :crazy: How sweet that he wanted to help you pay the bills when he got older. He sounds like he had a huge heart.

Take care Bette.

 

[meowbunny]

I've tried to post to your threads several times and never quite succeeded. I can only imagine your pain. The only comfort I can offer is the fact that time really does close these wounds. It doesn't take the pain away but it does make it bearable. Right now, I'm sure the pain is truly unbearable.

Thank you for sharing a little of your son with us. It was so very generous of you. We all have little remembrances of our children from earlier times. Your memories certainly helped me remember some of my daughter's funnier, special moments. Thank you.

Please know you're not walking alone. We are here for you, so is Tim, I'm sure. He sounded like a very special young man.

 

[busywend]

Bette, I love roller coasters! I did the same thing Tim did. One time at an amusement park the lines were not that long - rare, I know. I just kept getting back in line and going right back on - we made it 20 times in a row!

 

[SunnyFlorida]

Oh Bette, thanks for sharing some memories about Tim. I too started to remember similar times.

Like the others have said, everyone grieves differently. I don't think one really knows how they will feel until it happens to them. But...women are much more verbal and the majority of men are not.

Thanks again for sharing a memory.

Thinking of you and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[wakeupcall]

Bette, I could hardly get through this thread, through my own tears. Oh Hon, I've been in your shoes...walking as if there were lead weights in them. First of all, I am not making excuses for your boyfriend, BUT when our son was killed instantly in an auto accident, my husband and I grieved totally differently. I wanted nothing to do with him for the longest time. I just needed to be alone. I didn't want him, my mother, my brother, our beautiful grown daughter, my pastor......NO one. I imagine your boyfriend feels as if Tim were his son and he may be suffering greatly. You see, just because he was not his birth father, he was helping to parent him. I'm not the bio mother of my difficult child either, but if anything were to happen to him.....omg. Each day for you is healing whether it feels like it or not, with or without boyfriend. The pain will never go away, though, and you are a changed woman. You have been thrown into a group you don't want to be a part of, never even really thought about it too much.....the grief-stricken parent. My son was killed thirteen years ago and some days it feels like yesterday, but I no longer dwell on it....because it was eating me alive. I guess it took about five years for me to really come to grips with the facts.

At the time I couldn't go to the grocery. For the most part, husband has taken on that job ever since. His favorite foods are everywhere in there and we all know how important food is to a 14-17 year old. I miss him terribly.......and I SO feel your pain. Take the well-wishes of everyone around you and go ahead and mumble under your breath that no one understands. And you're right, they don't unless they have been there, but others want to take some of your pain away. I wish they could.

Each member of your family will suffer their own way. Our grown daughter has become so protective of her children she's smothering them. I know in my heart, she's just trying to prevent herself from the type of pain I went through, but she can't. Random tragedies happen in this world. I truly don't know how she feels in her heart......he was not my sibling, he was my son. SHE knows how it feels to be the remaining sibling.

My point in this long post......if it makes you feel even the slightest bit better to post here, do it!!!! If you would like to PM me, do it! Allow yourself to cry and moan and scream and shake your head in disbelief. I'm so sorry for your pain, there is nothing like it.

 

[tpcmom]

Thank you everyone! What support I get here is just wonderful. and yes it was so great talking about the wonderful memories I have.

He was a great kid, and he was overcoming many hardships he endured, and still had a great sense of humor.

I do have an account set up for him at a bank, it's for his reward "Reward Fund for Timothy Clark" and I can PM anyone who would like the p.o. box address.

Last night my sister came to see me as she went to visit myother sister in Florida, and we are sitting in the living room when we heard this load crash in the kitchen. Well I thought my oldest friend fell or something so I yelled out hey what are you doing in there, no response. So I jumped up thinking OMG did this kid pass out or something and fell into the table, is he going to be laying in the middle of my floor???? So we all jump up and go out, here the friend was upstairs in the bathroom, and one of my kitchen cabinet's laying in the middle of the floor. Now this door just fell off, but the hinges are still connected, like someone yanked the door off. Well you know when Tim was real little he used to climb up on the counter and swing from this very same door, so of course we all got WOW, Tim's here messing with us. Last night was the first night I didn't cry before I went to sleep.

 

[wakeupcall]

FIRST STEP!!!!!! I hope you slept.....

 

[Suz]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Well you know when Tim was real little he used to climb up on the counter and swing from this very same door, so of course we all got WOW, Tim's here messing with us. </div></div>

I love that. :flower:

Suz

 

[KFld]

I must apologize as I just came into this post obviously very late. I have been missing from the board as my mom was very ill and passed away this weekend, so I have been somewhat wrapped up in my own little world.

I know the pain and grief I am feeling over the loss of my mom, so I can only imagine the pain of losing a child.

I am so sorry for your loss and I hope the members of this board can be of some comfort to you at this time.

 

[mom_to_3]

If it's any consolation Bette, I don't believe my husband would be able to "share or express" his grief the way I would or in the way I would expect him to. I believe he would be so wrapped up in his own grief that he would be unable to even consider me for awhile. That would not make me happy for sure, but I know my husband and Suz pretty much explained him to a T. I think it's fairly typical male behavior. Doesn't make it nice or comforting to us, but I think it does happen. I'm not sure if your boyfriend lived in your home or not and then just left? If that was the case, I certainly wouldn't have much tolerance for that.

I have read this thread to my 19 yr. old easy child, choked up with tears, barely able to speak at times feeling your grief in the written word and then a bit later smiling as you speak so lovingly about your son, Tim. I'm so sorry you have had to experience this, but thank you for allowing me to share your real life experiences with my children as a way to show them to always appreciate the relationships they have in their lives as we never know how long we'll be blessed with the ones we love. Please PM me the address for the fund.

 

[busywend]

Bette - he was there with you and probably is all the time. I am glad you could go to sleep with no tears for a night. He would like knowing that, I am sure.

 

[gottaloveem]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: tpcmom</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> Now this door just fell off, but the hinges are still connected, like someone yanked the door off. Well you know when Tim was real little he used to climb up on the counter and swing from this very same door, so of course we all got WOW, Tim's here messing with us. Last night was the first night I didn't cry before I went to sleep. </div></div>

I am so glad you shared this experience. I have had a few strange ones myself and I keep rationalizing them away. Its the only comfort I can muster, that maybe they are here with us.

 

[standswithcourage]

Bless You. :angel: That is very touching.

 

[Jen]

Thought I don't know the story to your loss, I feel for you and the pain you are experiencing.
Hopefully all of us here can be there for you a a sounding board in the days , months, and yrs to come.

Jen