200Meters
A real bustard
Hi!
Let's see here...
I am 55 (for another few weeks). My wife & I of 30 (amazing & wonderful) years have two sons, 22 & 18. Both of our boys are adopted (public & closed; that's how it is here, private adoption is illegal). They are not biological siblings. We received our oldest when he was 4 months & our youngest at a wee 2.5 weeks. Our oldest has ADD & our youngest has ADHD and was also diagnosed with ODD.
Oldest received a barebones high school diploma and did two years compulsory service in the army. The two years were not easy for him but he did it. He is now living with his girlfriend and working (in a restaurant & a bakery). Both my wife & I and his girlfriend's family are helping them. They live about 1.5 hours' drive away. That he does not live in the metropolitan area where he grew up is a good thing and has helped him to make a fresh start. Oldest had / has his issues but he seems to be on the right track.
Youngest is why I'm here. He bounced around 5 schools from 3rd grade on before dropping out of the educational system altogether when he was (nominally) in 10th grade. He has no high school diploma of any kind. He became very adept at finding out where the cracks in the system were & then falling in between them. He learned how to do just enough at school to be sent home and did this repeatedly before dropping out altogether. My wife and I gave up on trying to find schools for him as he made it abundantly clear (by getting sent home repeatedly until he was expelled or asked to leave) that he would not fit himself into any educational / vocational track. He also blew off the military & says that he has been dismissed from compulsory service (which is not that difficult) although we have yet to see any documentation to this effect. As a juvenile, he had several run-ins with the law and saw the law enforcement system as one more system to be played to his advantage (like the military). Several of these run-ins involved minor drug possession (marijuana). In one run-in, he was suspected of breaking into a local house-of-worship in order to steal the charity change. He also broke into a friend's apartment and stole money from her. He would stay at our suburban apartment, or not, as it suited him. (He turned 18 this past November.) After one run-in, we agreed that he stay at home under house arrest. That meant that either my wife or I had to be with him 24/7 and he was not allowed off the premises. It also meant police stopping by 2-3 times a day, including in the wee hours to make sure he was actually there. Our dogs loved the wee hour part (not). This was for 1.5 weeks. (Luckily, I can work from home if I have to.) We told him at the time that this was a one-off and that if he f*%&ed up again, we would not do this again. He got off with a slap-on-the-wrist. Played the system, yet again.
Eventually his luck ran out. Undercover police showed up at our apartment with a search warrant and an arrest warrant. The police have Youngest on camera breaking into a house-of-worship & they caught him with articles he stole from an apartment that he broke into. This was 4 weeks ago. Youngest was held in the local remand center for a while & is now being held in the remand wing of a large prison about 1 hour's drive away. At first, after being arrested, he was all anger, venom & non-cooperation. The welfare officer whom we met with said that if he kept that up he was likely going to prison. At our previous court hearing, the judge kind of read him the riot act and said that while there were many people who wanted to help him, he had to open up, want to be helped & allow himself to be helped. He has since become more cooperative (ferinstance he waived secrecy on his juvenile records).
House arrest at home is not even an option as the police do not want Youngest back in our suburb & his public defender is not contesting this.
My wife & I, and Oldest, went to see him this past Friday. We went in with other prisoners'/remandees' families and spoke with Youngest via a closed circuit phone through a reinforced glass partition, just like you see in the movies. This was hard. It was heart-rending.
We are due back in court on Wednesday morning. Oldest & his girlfriend want Youngest under house arrest with them, at least for the interim period that Youngest is now in, until the court figures out what to do with him. (About that, everyone – the pd, us, the welfare officer & the judge – agree that Youngest needs help, guidance, therapy, etc. There are all sorts of options. We will have to be patient.) My wife and I were originally unkeen on the idea bit after seeing Youngest in the hoosegow (he has lost 4 kilos, which he really doesn't have to lose), we changed our minds. Oldest & his girlfriend met with the welfare officer but that didn't go so well. We are guessing that the welfare officer will recommend against the idea & then it will depend on what the pd can persuade the judge to do.
Youngest appears to be at the stage where he realizes that he has much to lose and nothing to gain by not cooperating. He doesn't seem to be at the fully repentant stage but it's a start.
Did I say that my wife and I are as depressed as hell?
(My brother's two kids, who are Youngest's age, have just started college. SIGH)
The local free weekly newspaper had an article about the case 2 weeks ago. The headline was something like "POLICE CATCH HOUSE-OF-WORSHIP BREAKER-INNER". There were no names but some of Youngest's friends in the neighborhood are aware that it's Youngest. I imagine some of our neighbors also know but luckily nobody has said anything.
We spoke with the clergyman at our house-of-worship and asked him to contact the clergyman at the house-of-worship that Youngest broke into and say that we, the parents of said burglar/thief, feel awful (that's putting it mildly) and would like to make a donation to his house-of-worship. We have no idea how much Youngest stole.
My wife and I feel so ashamed. This sucks all the energy out of you. I remember an old Peanuts cartoon where Linus asks Charlie Brown if he ever feels that life has passed him by. Charlie Brown replies that he rather feels that life has knocked him down and walked all over him. That's about right.
I, for one, am not beating myself up and wondering where we went wrong. We didn't. Youngest has no one to blame for this but himself and the sooner he realizes that the sooner he will be on his way back.
So, that's us, more or less.
Why "200Meters"? Because 200 meters is (roughly) the boundary between light and darkness in the open sea. I have this recurring vision where I'm treading water at that boundary. I can see the light above me but know that I'll never reach it. Below me is the abyss. I keep treading water and just manage not to sink into the abyss and be crushed.
200Meters
Let's see here...
I am 55 (for another few weeks). My wife & I of 30 (amazing & wonderful) years have two sons, 22 & 18. Both of our boys are adopted (public & closed; that's how it is here, private adoption is illegal). They are not biological siblings. We received our oldest when he was 4 months & our youngest at a wee 2.5 weeks. Our oldest has ADD & our youngest has ADHD and was also diagnosed with ODD.
Oldest received a barebones high school diploma and did two years compulsory service in the army. The two years were not easy for him but he did it. He is now living with his girlfriend and working (in a restaurant & a bakery). Both my wife & I and his girlfriend's family are helping them. They live about 1.5 hours' drive away. That he does not live in the metropolitan area where he grew up is a good thing and has helped him to make a fresh start. Oldest had / has his issues but he seems to be on the right track.
Youngest is why I'm here. He bounced around 5 schools from 3rd grade on before dropping out of the educational system altogether when he was (nominally) in 10th grade. He has no high school diploma of any kind. He became very adept at finding out where the cracks in the system were & then falling in between them. He learned how to do just enough at school to be sent home and did this repeatedly before dropping out altogether. My wife and I gave up on trying to find schools for him as he made it abundantly clear (by getting sent home repeatedly until he was expelled or asked to leave) that he would not fit himself into any educational / vocational track. He also blew off the military & says that he has been dismissed from compulsory service (which is not that difficult) although we have yet to see any documentation to this effect. As a juvenile, he had several run-ins with the law and saw the law enforcement system as one more system to be played to his advantage (like the military). Several of these run-ins involved minor drug possession (marijuana). In one run-in, he was suspected of breaking into a local house-of-worship in order to steal the charity change. He also broke into a friend's apartment and stole money from her. He would stay at our suburban apartment, or not, as it suited him. (He turned 18 this past November.) After one run-in, we agreed that he stay at home under house arrest. That meant that either my wife or I had to be with him 24/7 and he was not allowed off the premises. It also meant police stopping by 2-3 times a day, including in the wee hours to make sure he was actually there. Our dogs loved the wee hour part (not). This was for 1.5 weeks. (Luckily, I can work from home if I have to.) We told him at the time that this was a one-off and that if he f*%&ed up again, we would not do this again. He got off with a slap-on-the-wrist. Played the system, yet again.
Eventually his luck ran out. Undercover police showed up at our apartment with a search warrant and an arrest warrant. The police have Youngest on camera breaking into a house-of-worship & they caught him with articles he stole from an apartment that he broke into. This was 4 weeks ago. Youngest was held in the local remand center for a while & is now being held in the remand wing of a large prison about 1 hour's drive away. At first, after being arrested, he was all anger, venom & non-cooperation. The welfare officer whom we met with said that if he kept that up he was likely going to prison. At our previous court hearing, the judge kind of read him the riot act and said that while there were many people who wanted to help him, he had to open up, want to be helped & allow himself to be helped. He has since become more cooperative (ferinstance he waived secrecy on his juvenile records).
House arrest at home is not even an option as the police do not want Youngest back in our suburb & his public defender is not contesting this.
My wife & I, and Oldest, went to see him this past Friday. We went in with other prisoners'/remandees' families and spoke with Youngest via a closed circuit phone through a reinforced glass partition, just like you see in the movies. This was hard. It was heart-rending.
We are due back in court on Wednesday morning. Oldest & his girlfriend want Youngest under house arrest with them, at least for the interim period that Youngest is now in, until the court figures out what to do with him. (About that, everyone – the pd, us, the welfare officer & the judge – agree that Youngest needs help, guidance, therapy, etc. There are all sorts of options. We will have to be patient.) My wife and I were originally unkeen on the idea bit after seeing Youngest in the hoosegow (he has lost 4 kilos, which he really doesn't have to lose), we changed our minds. Oldest & his girlfriend met with the welfare officer but that didn't go so well. We are guessing that the welfare officer will recommend against the idea & then it will depend on what the pd can persuade the judge to do.
Youngest appears to be at the stage where he realizes that he has much to lose and nothing to gain by not cooperating. He doesn't seem to be at the fully repentant stage but it's a start.
Did I say that my wife and I are as depressed as hell?
(My brother's two kids, who are Youngest's age, have just started college. SIGH)
The local free weekly newspaper had an article about the case 2 weeks ago. The headline was something like "POLICE CATCH HOUSE-OF-WORSHIP BREAKER-INNER". There were no names but some of Youngest's friends in the neighborhood are aware that it's Youngest. I imagine some of our neighbors also know but luckily nobody has said anything.
We spoke with the clergyman at our house-of-worship and asked him to contact the clergyman at the house-of-worship that Youngest broke into and say that we, the parents of said burglar/thief, feel awful (that's putting it mildly) and would like to make a donation to his house-of-worship. We have no idea how much Youngest stole.
My wife and I feel so ashamed. This sucks all the energy out of you. I remember an old Peanuts cartoon where Linus asks Charlie Brown if he ever feels that life has passed him by. Charlie Brown replies that he rather feels that life has knocked him down and walked all over him. That's about right.
I, for one, am not beating myself up and wondering where we went wrong. We didn't. Youngest has no one to blame for this but himself and the sooner he realizes that the sooner he will be on his way back.
So, that's us, more or less.
Why "200Meters"? Because 200 meters is (roughly) the boundary between light and darkness in the open sea. I have this recurring vision where I'm treading water at that boundary. I can see the light above me but know that I'll never reach it. Below me is the abyss. I keep treading water and just manage not to sink into the abyss and be crushed.
200Meters
