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Help and Kindness needed please, I'm broken and new to this site
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 703645" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Hi Lost, I'm glad you found us here. I am so sorry for what you are going through.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Your feeling of sadness and anger are warranted but you have nothing to feel embarrassed about. You did not do this, your son did. You extended help to him and instead of being grateful, he has taken advantage of it.</p><p></p><p></p><p>This is very common behavior for difficult adult children. I have a saying with my son, if his lips are moving, he's lying Our difficult children will tell the most elaborate lies in hopes that we will believe them and feel sorry for them and give into their demands.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Okay, you need to stop trying to pay his debts. You could be putting yourself in danger by doing this. If he owes a drug dealer money and you pay the debt, the next time he owes the drug dealer money, the drug dealer may come after you.</p><p>You are also sending a message to your son that no matter what he does, you will bail him out.</p><p>Enabling is not helping.</p><p></p><p></p><p>You have tried everything. You have offered help to your son and he has rejected it. As much as we the parents wish we could make our children do the right thing, we cannot. We simply do not have that kind of power.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Please do not buy into this. Again, this is a very common thing difficult adult children will do. If I had a dollar for every time my son told me all his problems are my fault, I could take a month long holiday in the Caribbean!</p><p>You are a good and loving mother. How do I know this, because you are here on this site looking for help and because of what you shared with us. Parents that do not care do not find this site.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, I too have experienced this with my son. Somehow they really think that if they are "nice" to us we will forget all the horrible things they have done and said to us.</p><p></p><p></p><p>You are not all he has left. He has himself and that is who he should be relying on.</p><p></p><p>I'm sure your son has some unresolved emotions over the death of his father. You did the right thing by getting him help but remember, just because you offer someone help does not mean they will accept it or use it to their benefit.</p><p></p><p>I know how hard this is. I and many others here have been there. My son has been a homeless wonderer for almost 6 years now. He has also been in and out jail/prison. He may be homeless but he has managed to not get thrown in jail for quite a while now.</p><p>I don't like that my son is homeless but I have come to accept it. It's a life he chosen. My son has been afforded many opportunities to get his life on a more "normal" track but has never stuck with anything. No matter how much my husband and I have tried to help him, no matter how much money we have thrown at his problems, it did nothing.</p><p>No, I don't like that my son is homeless but it's his life and his choice. I needed to take my life back. Yes, we the parents of these difficult adult children have lives to. Our lives matter and we need to live our lives to the fullest.</p><p>The best thing I ever did was to detach from my sons drama and chaos. I love my son dearly but I will no longer allow him to manipulate me, I'm better than that and I deserve better, so do you.</p><p></p><p>Your son is making his own choices and those choices have consequences. It is time that he start experiencing the consequences of his choices.</p><p></p><p>Your son, my son and all the other difficult adult children can turn their lives around anytime they want. Key word here is THEY. They have to want to make changes, some will and some won't.</p><p></p><p>This is not an easy journey to be on but you are here now with us. You will find much needed support here.</p><p></p><p>((HUGS)) to you...............................</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 703645, member: 18516"] Hi Lost, I'm glad you found us here. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Your feeling of sadness and anger are warranted but you have nothing to feel embarrassed about. You did not do this, your son did. You extended help to him and instead of being grateful, he has taken advantage of it. This is very common behavior for difficult adult children. I have a saying with my son, if his lips are moving, he's lying Our difficult children will tell the most elaborate lies in hopes that we will believe them and feel sorry for them and give into their demands. Okay, you need to stop trying to pay his debts. You could be putting yourself in danger by doing this. If he owes a drug dealer money and you pay the debt, the next time he owes the drug dealer money, the drug dealer may come after you. You are also sending a message to your son that no matter what he does, you will bail him out. Enabling is not helping. You have tried everything. You have offered help to your son and he has rejected it. As much as we the parents wish we could make our children do the right thing, we cannot. We simply do not have that kind of power. Please do not buy into this. Again, this is a very common thing difficult adult children will do. If I had a dollar for every time my son told me all his problems are my fault, I could take a month long holiday in the Caribbean! You are a good and loving mother. How do I know this, because you are here on this site looking for help and because of what you shared with us. Parents that do not care do not find this site. Yes, I too have experienced this with my son. Somehow they really think that if they are "nice" to us we will forget all the horrible things they have done and said to us. You are not all he has left. He has himself and that is who he should be relying on. I'm sure your son has some unresolved emotions over the death of his father. You did the right thing by getting him help but remember, just because you offer someone help does not mean they will accept it or use it to their benefit. I know how hard this is. I and many others here have been there. My son has been a homeless wonderer for almost 6 years now. He has also been in and out jail/prison. He may be homeless but he has managed to not get thrown in jail for quite a while now. I don't like that my son is homeless but I have come to accept it. It's a life he chosen. My son has been afforded many opportunities to get his life on a more "normal" track but has never stuck with anything. No matter how much my husband and I have tried to help him, no matter how much money we have thrown at his problems, it did nothing. No, I don't like that my son is homeless but it's his life and his choice. I needed to take my life back. Yes, we the parents of these difficult adult children have lives to. Our lives matter and we need to live our lives to the fullest. The best thing I ever did was to detach from my sons drama and chaos. I love my son dearly but I will no longer allow him to manipulate me, I'm better than that and I deserve better, so do you. Your son is making his own choices and those choices have consequences. It is time that he start experiencing the consequences of his choices. Your son, my son and all the other difficult adult children can turn their lives around anytime they want. Key word here is THEY. They have to want to make changes, some will and some won't. This is not an easy journey to be on but you are here now with us. You will find much needed support here. ((HUGS)) to you............................... [/QUOTE]
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Help and Kindness needed please, I'm broken and new to this site
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