Help desperately needed for my abused kids

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by BethMjJax, Sep 30, 2017.

  1. BethMjJax

    BethMjJax New Member

    First, YES we have a CPS case, we are on a wait list for a therapist, their father is under investigation.

    Recently divorced from their father, domestic violence was witnessed by both kids. Both kids were verbally, physically and sexually abused by their father and his friends. The kids spent 9 months with their father while I was out of state fighting him for custody. I had to leave when their father put a gun in my face and physically stopped me from taking them with me.

    My son is 4 my daughter is 5

    Daughter I have a good grasp on how to handle.

    My son is my issue. He hits, punches, kicks, throws things, threatens to run away, says he hates me, says he will "behave/listen/be good" when my significant other gets home, but not when it's just me. He has fits of physical violence usually towards me only, but has had 2 episodes where he lashed out at a family pet (kicking, hitting) for what seemed like no reason at all. He is insanely attached to my significant other. He absolutely will NOT listen to me when we are alone. I am at my wits end. I have tried everything I can think of. And it always ends the same with him still not listening and me ready to cry.

    He isn't retaining any information he's given. He doesn't seem to be learning like he used to. He is obsessive over his tablet so it was taken away. He now is obsessing over his alphabet flash cards. Any help at all would be so greatly appreciated.
     
  2. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    I hope that members here with relevant experiences can give some good feedback.

    I do not but I'm sending my support.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I went through something like this with a child we adopted at 11. I have shared the story many times and Im sure its in the archives, but it tires me mentally to type it out.

    I will just say the abuse and seperation from father in my opinion likely caused a serious attachment disorder. Your son is acting like an unattached kid and since he was sexually abused he is at risk to sexually act out on younger children, which happened to us. The child was so dangerous, he had to leave. At 13 the state took him.

    Cruelty to animals is serious and dangerous. Our son did most of his animal abuse behind our backs until, at 13, he killed two dogs. If you have pets please rehome them. You dont know what your son could do to them or even may be doing when you dont see.

    This poor child has been very seriously damaged and needs very very intensive ongoing therapy to even start healing. Look up Reactive Attachment Disorder. Now he may have MANY disorders, but Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is probably one of them and it causes violence, lack of remorse, crazy lying (lying even when caught in the act), total defiance, lack of affection unless it is on his terms usually to gain something, often inappropriate bathroom habits, playing with fire, cruelty to animals and can mean sexually inappropriate actions and often they are friendly and charming to strangers. So nobody believes us.

    Your sons obsessions remind me of autism. He may also be on the spectrum.

    How does he do at school? Often they are ok there.

    My suggestion is finding a psychologist who truly understands abuse snd attachment issues and take both kids. The girl may not act out, but she probably needs help anyway. No child can have the type of abuse those kids had at the hands of father and friends and NOT desperately need help. Dont be in denial. You must know this. If not, your daughter will show signs of her abuse later. This must be dealt with NOW. My family had to do it. It was worth it. This 11 year old was very abusive to my two younger kids. And we did not know. But thos child left our home once we found out and we all had to heal in therapy. This brought us closer.. hub, me and our two young kids. You must do very hard work in therapy...all of you.

    in my opinion Son attaches to your SO to upset you or maybe because he was not around during the abuse, but it does not sound like a healthy attachment. Something is "off" about it. If he attached, so to speak, very quickly to him...almost before they even knew each other....that is another sign of unhealthy attachment...dont take it personally.

    Im sorry you are going through this. Please get appropriate mental health care for all of you. Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2017
  4. BethMjJax

    BethMjJax New Member

    He has never done anything sexual towards anyone or himself. But he and I have talked extensively about how what was done to him was wrong, he knows that and wants nothing to do with those people any more. The abuse towards then happened after I left so I can't say how his behavior was then, but I do know how it is now. He has been back with me since June and was doing amazing, thenjoy it's like he took a nose dive and started acting out.

    For the animal part, he slapped the dog once, on two separate occasions and knew instantly that it was wrong and showed remorse. I won't rehome the dog as the dog is my service dog who also has begun helping my son when he goes into episodes and calms him down and helps with his anxiety. However my son is never left alone with him.

    His violent outburst seem to be linked to when he gets overly stimulated in situations or just can't get his way. It takes a lot to get him to the point of violence. When he isn't having a melt down he is a very sweet, loving, helpful, compassionate little boy. He knows the difference with truth and lies and doesn't have a problem with lying and fire is something that terrifies him. And when he does have his melt downs he does show remorse and acknowledges what he did wrong, and what he should have done instead. It's just in that moment he can't reason with himself.

    I have spoken with his doctor and at his next appointment we will be talking about the possibility of him being ADHD and low end high functioning autistic so that I can understand.

    He does not yet go to school, he starts kindergarten next year. So currently we work on typical kindergarten stuff at home. This is odd as when he works one on one with me he does excellent and retains everything. Then when he works one on one with my significant other he does excellent and retains everything. However if my significant other and I are in the room together, one talking and one working with him, he can't remember anything he has learned and loses new information within seconds. Such as learning to recognize a new letter in the alphabet.

    My daughter actually talks to me about her feelings and the things she has went through, though she got least of the physical abuse. She is mature mentally for her age and will talk about everything with me. Her melt downs consist of crying spells and then curling up to cuddle and telling me what was going on in her head.

    My sons attachment to my SO I wouldn't call bad, he trusts him, looks up to him, but isn't as loving with him as I am. When my SO left for the weekend to go hunting my son didn't want to sleep until he got home, my son asked repeatedly if he was coming home at all. Then when my SO did get home my son wouldnt speak to him for almost a week. He finally opened up and explained that he was afraid my SO was going to leave and never come back.

    We are all on a list for a CPS age appropriate therapist, who specializes in what my kids and I have been through. While they don't have an opening at this time for our family, I do have the ability, and frequently use it, to call and discusswhat's happening and try to work through it that way. I'm just feeling like a failure and I'm drowning waiting for a spot to open for us. I am not in any way in denial. I know what happened and I'm actually very dedicated to how to help them. I found this site researching ways to help while waiting for our spot in therapy.
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I felt guilty too. You are not alone.
     
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You need to understand that your son acts out more with you because he trusts your love. It stinks to be you, but it is true. Your son feels that he can let go and let his feelings out around you, and he cannot around SO. He trusts that you will love him anyway. I had this explained to me by more than a couple of therapists and doctors with my son. He was always worse with me than with anyone because I would love him no matter what. I would also stop him before he went so far as to hurt anyone else if I could. Well, anyone but me. It doesn't make it easier to handle in the moment, but understanding what is going on behind the behavior is a step toward making things better, at least it always was for us.

    I think you NEED to get the child into Occupational Therapy for sensory integration disorder. If it is suspected that he has any form of autism, he has some degree of sensory integration disorder (Sensory Integration Disorder (SID)). This is when your brain does not process input from your senses the way a normal person's brain does. The world is too loud, or too quiet or too bright, or too dull, or too strongly flavored or the textures are wrong or slimy or off, any sense can be off. I have sensory issues and they don't ever go away, not at any age. You don't outgrow them. Learning how to handle them as a kid is a very good thing. There are things you can do to help, especially as young as your kids are. They are at the best ages to get them into Occupational Therapist (OT) for this.

    First you need an evaluation. Insist that school do this, but you may also need a private evaluation. You will need to ask for the Occupational Therapist (OT) to teach you brushing therapy. If it is not offered, ask for it. A soft non soaped surgical scrub brush is used over the body in a certain order, usually followed by gentle joint compressions. It makes an incredible and amazing difference in a child. It is actually PROVEN to rewire a child's brain without any medication. It creates new pathways in the child's brain! It changes how the brain uses input from the senses. You MUST be taught how to do this by an Occupational Therapist, but it only takes on session to learn how. Then you do it at home.

    The other aspects of therapy for Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) involve providing a sensory diet for your child. A well rounded sensory diet includes all the types of sensory input that your child's brain needs. The good part of this is that usually the types of input your child's brain needs are things your child will like. Your child will be drawn to these activities already for the most part. I laughed when they told me that my youngest child needed deep pressure on his head, like sitting on his head. He spent hours watching television upside down on the couch. He would look like he was sitting with his legs crossed tailor style, but instead of his legs on the couch, his head would be on the seat of the couch and his legs were in the air. We never even thought to fuss at him. He was our 3rd kid. He wasn't kicking anyone, or bothering anyone, so why would we tell him to stop? Turned out, it was good for him! Who knew?

    Almost everyone with autism has some degree of this. The earlier you can get help for this, the more successful and high functioning your child can be. To learn more about this, read The Out of Sync Child by Kranowitz. To find activities that are fun and will really help your kids, get a copy of The Out of Sync Child Has Fun by Kranowitz. If you can only buy one book, get the first book from the library and the Has Fun book from the bookstore. My family went through several copies. The book truly is FUN!! Every kid in the neighborhood would come running when I would start an activity out of the book. Somehow they knew and they all appeared. Luckily there are tips to make the activities less expensive throughout the book. We literally wore out more than one copy of this book. If an activity is one your kid would not do, you know it is an activity that should not be in his sensory diet. If it is an activity he would love and beg to do over and over, look at what type of activity it is, and explore other activities of that type.

    One hint that I found was a HUGE help with my sons. Make sure that they always have plenty of protein in their snacks. My brother always got mean if he had sugar without protein, so I watched my oldest with this even when he was little. I found that he got cranky. Then I found that we had meltdowns and rages if he was low on protein or he had a lot of simple carbohydrates or a lot of sugar and not a lot of protein with it. I saw his little brother was just unable to function without protein. He didn't get mean, he just didn't cope with anything. I kept protein bars that were a balance of 40% carb, 30% protein, and 30% fat or had more protein than that in them with me at all times. If we stopped for food after school, they didn't get sweets. They got something with protein. If we had to do errands or go somewhere after school, I made sure there was food with protein. If I didn't, the boys were going to have a meltdown. It was a guarantee. If I had a source of protein, they were fine.

    I found it very interesting to watch them when they got old enough to choose their own foods and to start to rebel against the rules about protein snacks. I always said it was fine to make choices, but if they had a meltdown and they didn't have protein, the rule about protein would go back into effect. My oldest had to have to rule put back in place a couple of times, then he started realizing he felt better when he followed the rule. He stopped trying to change it then. My youngest broke it a time or two and came to me to talk about it one night. He told me he had worked so hard to not have a meltdown over simple requests and ordinary things like "please pass the salt" that he thought that maybe he needed the protein rule to be a life rule for himself.

    You also might consider seeking out a developmental pediatrician. That is the specialist who treats autism in my neck of the woods. They are hard to find, usually located in children's or university hospitals. You also could check out some of the autism parent groups in your nearest big city. Many have a facebook presence and even monthly meetings. You could ask them who the best doctors for diagnosing and treating are, and who the best therapists are for the many types of therapists that can be recommended. Often this is a great way to find out who is good and who is not so good in your area.

    Waiting lists can be very very long. Always ask for the cancellation list. Remember to call in every week or two (whenever you can) to ask again if there has been a cancellation. Always be nice to the phone people as they are the gatekeepers to the doctor. You often have to be nice to the person at the gate to be able to get to the doctor. This is a case of the squeaky wheel getting the grease. I often found that the phone person got tired of talking to me and found a spot to keep me from calling again and again. I don't know why, I was always really sweet. And on appointments near holidays, I brought cookies for the entire office! But only after they got me in for that first appointment.
     
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  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I just read that all states have a fund for rape victims to get counseling. I would look into this. Your kids were sexually abused, a form of rape. Sure, it was by a parent, but I doubt that any wording in the fund says it must not be by a parent. Who would think of that or put it into something like this? Why not call the District Attorney's office and ask? Are they not dealing with the sexual abuse charges? Ask if there is a victim's reparation fund that pays for counseling of victims. You might not have to wait for a medicaid therapist to have an opening. I loved the therapist that medicaid paid for my kids, she was as much a family member as anything. In our town almost every therapist that takes kids has to take medicaid to stay in business. I would check on that funding though. It might open up other doors for you. It was just a thought. If you cannot find anything, send me a private conversation, NOT a message on the open forum, and I will do some googling to find what I can about funding in your state. I am pretty good at finding this kind of info.
     
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