Help! difficult child and his girlfriend want to see a gross R-rated horror flic

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Oct 19, 2012.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    ... and I hate the horror genre so I'm not a good judge.
    She is 14. He is 15.
    Her mom doesn't care but will change the movie if I nix the one they want to see, which is Sinister.
    I think Paranormal 4 would be more age-appropriate.

    Sinister shows people being killed (two reviews said that audiences aged 18-24 were grossed out) and I can't tell from the trailer if they are more than snippets. The trailers are always snippets.
    Paranormal 4 seems to have more creaks and traditional spooky stuff, although there is of course, death in that one.

    husband rented a vomit-rated disgusting RedBox movie 2 wks ago that was so vile I made him and difficult child turn it off in the middle and return it.

    I'm not a goody-two shoes by any means, but sometimes it just goes too far. (If you need to know the details that I nixed on the RedBox film, you can PM me.)

    difficult child is celebrating his 1st month anniversary with-his girlfriend (she's much better than the last one!) so this is a treat for them.

    Her mom will take them and buy the tickets.
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    No way would I allow my minor child to see an R rated movie.
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Well, it's a bit late for my difficult child, since husband has rented several R-rated movies for him this past yr, mostly war movies. But this genre is just gore for the sake of gore, with-no good guy/bad guy, definable reason. IOW, in the war movies, there was history, and saving buddies, that sort of thing.

    Sigh. I hate this part of parenting.
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Just say no. You are not being arbitrary in deciding which R movies he can or can't see - it's what parenting entails.

    So many movies get a PG13 rating that should have an R rating and so many movies are given an R rating that should have an NC17 rating. I think you need to be very careful about which R rate movies YOU feel are appropriate for your kids...I would not trust the rating system.

    I hate gore movies as well, but I sure saw my fair share of them as a teen. I didn't allow my daughter, then in 5th grade I think, to see Titanic. At the time, I felt she was too young to see the horror of people losing their lives and dead bodies floating in the arctic waters. She begged, forever, so I made her do a research project on the actual Titanic and only then was she allowed to see it - with me. When we left, she was in tears and said she wishes she hadn't seen it. All of hers friends romanticized the love affair aspect of the story and more than anything, young kids have become immune to the meaning and finality of death and gore in movies.

    Okay, stepping down now - sorry to go off!
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hearts and Roses, I feel the same way about the Titanic movie and still have not seen it! I'm sure it has its merits but it's just too painful, and I don't even know anyone, personally, who survived.

    I'm an inch away from saying no. But I feel like I have to have an alternative activity ...
  6. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Terry... Onyxx works in a theater and she and her boyfriend went to see it last night. It freaked her out BAD. This child adores horror movies.
  7. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    In my opinion. this is one of those battles that is going to be very hard to win. The more you protest against these kinds of movies, the more your difficult child will be determined to watch them anyway. (been there done that ! ) What works with my easy child is to explain my rationale for NOT wanting to see them. Basically, I've explained that your brain doesn't need these kinds of images because it will save them up and bring them out in your dreams days, weeks, months, even years down the road...only when you do finally see these images again in your dreams, the victims will look like your girlfriend, your family members, your best friends, etc.

    Will rational explanations work with your difficult child ? Give it a shot...
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Nothing rational will work with-difficult child. He'll be mad no matter what. I'm just going to say no.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    No is the right answer. If he wants a reason, then the movie is not rated for his age. I don't follow the ratings exactly, but when in doubt it is better to say no than yes. He can always rent the movie when he is an adult with his own home and watch it then, but he cannot 'unwatch' it after he watches it. I hope that makes sense when put into words.
  10. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Yes - exactly!

    I still can't shake that scene from "Slumdog Millionaire" with the little boy. If you've seen the movie - you know exactly what I am talking about...
  11. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I personally dont get wanting to watch those movies but I know even when Q is an adult those kinds of movies could be awful for Q. He gets stuck on wanting to act like bad guys from super hero movies and I worry that with his inability to take other's perspectives it could make him into someone like that. He has never seemed that cruel but something like that I'd worry could make him even pretend (say to people that he was going to do that) just for effect or that he would be so scared he would not sleep for a long time. He has had that happen just from news story previews on commercials.

    I think you are smart to say no. This sounds excessively graphic. I'd just use the "that's the rule" reason like susiestar said. May be a rule that can be bent at home but not in a theater. At least you can postpone it for now....(yeah, we all know if he is determined he may sneak and see it but a small screen is at least better than a huge dark movie theater).

    Glad the girlfriend is nicer this time though. Sounds like you get to communicate with the mom better too??? nice.
  12. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Terry, violent visuals for developing brains can be traumatic. I would agree with most that it may be in his best interests to prohibit this as long as you can. I have a personal example from my own childhood where my mother, in her inability to be able to decipher appropriate parenting behaviors, took me to see Psycho when I was in the 5th grade. I didn't even know at that point in my life that violence of that nature even existed. The visual of the shower scene did not effectively leave my memory for probably over 30 years. As an adult woman I always purchased clear shower curtains because I could not take a shower without the door locked and the ability to see every part of any bathroom I was in. Fortunately that need has left me, but I know from personal experience how negative those visuals can be. Good for you for questioning it and following your instincts.
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all.
    The sad part is that it's just another excuse for difficult child to be angry with-me and hate me.

    I let him go to a movie, not knowing which one it will be, but telling him that I gave his girlfriend a printout and she could choose something else. He had a hissy fit and yelled about it, but then, he was mad at me from the get-go (see other thread about headphones) so he has no clue how lenient I am being tonight.
  14. allhaileris

    allhaileris Crumbling Family Rock

    Different brains process these kinds of things differently. Watching horror movies cheers me up, yes, seriously. I used to LOVE gore, never had nightmares, never killed anything, am pretty gentle, just still a goth at almost 40 (you'd be surprised how wearing a lot of black at work is totally business like). I actually can't stand the more real stuff, like a movie about a child being molested would bother me a zillion times more than a hack and slasher. My favorite movie is the Shining. Favorite zombie movie is Dawn of the Dead by George Romero. For me it's catharsis, the same thing as when these teenage boys play shooting games. You know your son best, but fake gore for the fun of it is very different than real world violence.

    Whenever Jaws came out, I was in elementary school. I wanted to see it, my mom said no, it would give me nightmares for 6 weeks (yes, I remember her saying that because I was so bothered by it). I finally saw it in college during a film class and all I could think was "that was it? what part of that freaked her out that bad to say it?", I'm sure she just didn't realize my brain could handle it. I actually haven't had a nightmare since I was a very little kid. There isn't a single movie out there that actually scares me, I like it when I can get a good jump or if there was excellent use of special effects.

    What does scare me? Bugs. There was this 10-legged hairless conjoined mouse I saw in the garage recently and it freaked me out, found out it was called a Potato Bug. What else, super dark outside places that have weird noises, because I don't know what's out there. The unknown is way more scary than known to be fake gore.

    The "it's not allowed, it's the rules" line is probably the best if you're adamant about saying no, I was seeing movies like this at that age, at least by 16 for sure. Instead, why don't you rent a scary movie that you know isn't horribly bad and see how they do? Something classically scary that they don't even know about. Have they seen the original Nightmare on Elm Street (it's so sad I have to say original)? Evil Dead series, Rosemary's Baby, Amityville Horror (the book is way better), anything by Romero, Dario Argento, early Stephen King, Poltergeist, late 70s-mid 80's is a good time period where they introduced gore but didn't have enough special effects to make them look too real. Don't go the way of Hitchcock path, so not scary.

    "They" have said that watching a scary movie reaches a certain area of one's brain and stimulates it. Those who like scary movies are just made up differently and are stimulated in a way that those who don't aren't. Here is something I saw online:
    Research suggests that while women watch horror flicks, the brain secretes neurotransmitter dopamine, glutamate and serotonin. Thus, increased brain activity gets the state of mind alert for a while. Additionally , threat signals that pass through the hypothalamus (in the brain) will stimulate the adrenal glands to produce adrenaline and opiates which has an anesthesia like effect.
    After watching the movie for half and hour, the system of the body will be calm and the defense system will become more powerful. That is when the immune system in the body will be stronger for a while.

    And that's exactly why I cheer up watching these movies.
  15. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    The girl's mother actually told you she would get the kids into the theater? Wow!

    I am with you and everyone else ---- a NO from me too!

    I agree that coming up with a plan B is wise, perhaps a more appropriate show or another activity. Time in an arcade (they would be able to play lots of games with the money that would be spent at the movie), supper at a nice resturaunt, bowling, ????
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    allhailiris, I think you must be like my boys, especially my oldest. He was begging my SO to scare him with scary movies from about age 6. The scarier the better. I think they watched all of them. Jason, Nightmare, everything imaginable. I cant remember the name of the movie that finally scared him but they do. Now my oldest is 5 years older than the youngest so the other two were there for the movies but they were never really still for them long and normally they went to bed earlier.

    None of my kids are violent. My oldest has always played violent video games but the younger two were mario kids. Now Jamie was a marine and is now a cop but his video games are all involved with either deer hunting, fishing or sports.
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Well, allhaileris, that's what my son says ... it doesn't affect him like it affects me, and it calms him down.
    He still eats wheat when he's not supposed to, too, and insists it isn't a problem, lol!

    Glad you like horror movies.

    T, the girlfriend's mom, took the kids out last night and they saw Paranormal 4. She paid for the movie and for dinner. She said her daughter could see Sinister another time.
    She brought difficult child home around 8:30.
    Today, she has been sleeping all day, and has not answered any of my texts.
    My plan was for difficult child to stay home all day, after the problem yesterday with-such disrespect. I told husband to please tell difficult child to stay home and do chores with-me, on my behalf, because I didn't need another blowup.

    So I sleep late (8:30) and everyone is gone.
    difficult child has left a note, detailing the chores he has done, and apologizing, and saying he went to D's house. (Of course. Exactly what I didn't want.)
    He acts as though he accidentally dropped a glass on the floor and swept it up, Know what I mean??
    The idea was to stay home and I would tell him when and if he could go somewhere.
    So I texted D's mom, T, and there is no response. I went ahead and made a plan to pick up difficult child. Alone.

    Meanwhile, husband called and we agreed to meet at Starbucks. I told him I wanted to take difficult child to the animal shelter to check out volunteer hrs, and that D's mom hadn't responded. husband said, "difficult child left?"

    Of course he left. husband left and I was sleeping. Perfect time for difficult child to leave. On his own terms.

    I picked him up and both kids came out the door and pulled the door shut behind them. Arrrgh! "Is your mom still sleeping?" I asked.
    "Yeah, I guess."

    I think her mom suffers from depression and all she can muster is one night out with-the kids, and talking to the assisted living facility about her mom every other day. The worse her mom gets, the worse she gets. Her mom was extremely abusive and she hates being saddled with-this responsibility.

    Meanwhile, the plans we made at the kitchen table have been flushed away.

    husband, difficult child, D and I all went to Starbucks. The kids did not get anything. Finally, we told them to go sit outside so we could talk. (I thought ADHD was bad enough by itself. Now I've got his hands tickling her and poking her in the armpits, and it's hands and shoulders and everything moving all at once and she's trying to ignore the whole thing and texting all. The. Time.)
    husband said it looked like it was going to escalate again so he offered to take difficult child and D to the animal shelter.

    Fine by me.

    I don't know what to do about tonight. husband and I are going to a fundraiser. I have to make sure that T is awake and able to cope with-both kids or difficult child cannot go over there, or it's the same thing as having no supervision at all.

    Now I understand why people in the MiddleEast still have arranged marriages ...
  18. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    P.S. Turns out you have to be 16 to volunteer at the animal shelter. difficult child's birthday is in December.