Help I need help kicked my son out

[cloudflower]

Hi Sammie~~
Sorry to have intruded on your thread...
The words from Big Bad Kitty's post hit a very sensitive place:
"You have not failed".
Sure it's hard for us to have a neighbor see that police car pull up, and feel we've 'failed' in the eyes of the Community. But that is minor next to the pain and confusion felt by parent(s) who thought they had given all the right things; time, love, opportunity, to their child. Forget the Community, you feel like you've failed yourself, your child, your family.
All we can do, is hope these were merely foolish choices, like ones we may have make in our youth, and that we did lay a strong enough foundation when our kids were young.
(I'm saying this enough to convince myself too ;-))
~~So we'll keep repeating to ourselves: "You have not failed
You have not failed You have not failed....."
Love, Cloudflower

 

[Sammie]

The letter wasn't from my son but it sure could have been.. My son is 18 and I have recieved similar letters...... I have so many many letters from him.. apologizing and promising that he has learned his lesson. His letters are very lengthy and insightful... And each time I have recieved one of his apology letters I say to myself, "this time I think he has really got it and he is taking responsibility for his behavior" But each time this has only lasted a few weeks and he would be right back to his old ways.......Lying, stealing, manipulating, sneaking out, stealing the car.....anything to get his way... He just called me a few minutes ago... and for the first time I cut the conversation short.. I am trying to detach.. I just want so desperately to believe him but I know in my heart that he will just manipulate me again.. I love him and want the best for him.. I never dreamed when he was little that this is how our lives would turn out... As I get ready to go to bed, I am fearful this is when the reality hits me that my son is not here....

 

[standswithcourage]

I understand your pain. I recently had to let go of my son. We had let go times before but always had him back - only to go back to the same behavior. He was abusing drugs. Now he lives in a dumpy house with a friend. I dont know how they are living or even why they would want to live there. My son is on probation and has to havae a job. He has no way to get there. I suggest you try to find an Alanon group in your area. It is a support group for parents of alcoholic or drug users. Also it is a wonderful group even if your son is not using drugs it teaches you how to take care of yourself in situations like this. I encourage to try and take this time for yourself. It is hard for me too. But if I dont take care of myself I cant help anyone else. You can do it. :thumb:

 

[1905]

Hi, Your story sounds exactly like mine. My son was violent,he stole, was constantly suspended from schoool -for threatening the teachers, stealing....plus he lied(still does) about EVERY stupid, nonsense thing. He robbed my house ...the cops said it wasn't illegal to "rob your own house". He was 18. I had to get a restraining order. He was walking aroung in the rain with a trashbag of his "stuff". This was after graduation, he would not work at all. His answer to everthing was,"Why should I?" The only way he would learn was by doing it himself. I couldn't live like that anymore. The same thing will happen to your son. He WILL learn. He will not have a choice. He has to stay away for awhile and then he will learn what it's like to try to take care of himself. If he wants to make the rules, then he can, just not in your house. You make the rules. If the police took him away, I'm sure they would give you a restraining order. I know you love him. This is the only thing that actually worked to get my son on the right track. He's supporting himself. He has benefits. He lives in a dump, but it's ok. He's young. He got himself here.

 

[Sammie]

Thanks for your response.... Just when I thought I was the only parent going through this... I stumbled on this website... Initially, I did file for a restraining order... the whole family did since he threatened us... But I was talked out of going through with it.. He is living with his friend's family at the moment and the father is the Juvenile Prosecuting Attorney.. this is who talked me into dropping the restraining order.. He advised me that if my son should want to pursue a career in law (if he ever gets it together) that the restraining order for domestic violence would hurt him in the future... I did not want to tag him with this.. so I did drop it... But he has an order from the police on file "not to return to the home".. According to the attorney if he does return it would be a felony... I see him once a week at a location outside of the home (therapist recommended this).. It is like visitation with my own son... He still has't gotten it though... The last visit he proceeded to tell me what a terrible mother I was and jumped out of the van screaming, "f### you" at the top of his lungs (because I would not give him any money)... Tomorrow is his therapy session and he thinks I will be there, but I won't... I am trying hard to detach... If the police removed me from my home when I was 18 and told me i could not return.. I would be on my knees in the fetal position...but he is not.. He has called me two times crying and wanting to come home... I miss him but I do not miss the drama..........

 

[standswithcourage]

I understand. It is so hard. My son is not living with us but we have taken him to his job. that is hard enough - I am sure he wants to stay with us but we will return him to his dumpy house with a friend - I dont know why he thinks we are the bad guys all the time. We have done everything known to man we know to do tohelp - obviously he hasnt helped. When he is at home there is drama. He wants what he doesnt have money for andwe are not going to provide it - it creates a lot of problems. So he can provide it on his own without putting us through the drama and she how that is. I dont know how it is all going to end up.

 

[amstrong]

Sammie,

Welcome. You have found a wonderful place. There are many kind and wise parents here. You have not failed your son. We do the best we can with what we have. It is apparent from your posts that you love this child and would give anything for things to be different.

I had to throw my son out once-the situation was not as dire as yours but I know the feelings that run though your mind, your gut, your heart. Turn him over to a higher power and know that ou did the only thing you could.

Hang in there and keep coming to visit us.

Hugs,

 

[Hound dog]

Welcome Sammie :grin:

You've already gotten some wonderful advice from many of our seasoned warrior Moms and I can't think of anything to add to it.

But do try to dipose of the guilt. Believe me, I know it is easier said than done. But guilt will serve no purpose except to eat away at you and make you miserable.

You have no reason to feel guilty. You and your husband have done your best. That's all anyone can ask. If you've made mistakes.... Well, join the club. None of us are perfect parents. We learn as we go.

Seek out a therapist for yourself. It can be a huge relief to have someone you can pour your heart and soul out to who isn't going to judge you.

Your son is safe. Some decisions he has to make for himself.

((((hugs))))

 

[KFld]

I can tell you right now that I was exactly where you are now 2 years ago last week. Because I found the courage to make the same choice you just made, it allowed my son to make the choices he needed to make to straighten out his life. Yesterday he was 11 months clean, happy, healthy, working full time, paying his bills :smile:

You did the right thing.