Help! I need somebody, no not just anybody

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by gizabeth1995, May 28, 2008.

  1. gizabeth1995

    gizabeth1995 gizabeth

    My 12 yo difficult child daughter has been hospitalized four times and has had 2 partial hospitalizations. She used to live with me full time, but after major outburst (from her not me) and 5 unfounded allegations of abuse with Dept. Social Services she went to live with her dad fulltime. She was very angry and did not want anything to do with me/stepdad/stepsiblings for months. She is slowly integrating back into my household again and doing fairly well. This kid just hates rules at home. She is defiant, disobediant and totally explodes when we place limits and boundaries on her. She is actually beginning to have same issues at her dad's now that the novelty has worn off. When she is hospital she is a model kid with absolutely no behavioral issues. Same with school. She conforms to the structure and rules. I am so confused. She has diagnosis of ADHD so she should thrive at home with rules/structure. She just rebels. We are at the point where we realize she may not be able to stay in my home or her dad's home if she continues to explode. Does anyone have any suggestions. We are no way able to afford a private school...cost is 55k to 110k per year. Since she is not on IEP or having problems at school...per the school they will not help us out. HELP.:whiteflag:
  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Welcome. I'm glad you found us.

    Sorry for all the questions, but your answers will help us help you.

    What kind of doctor diagnosed her with ADHD? Does she have any other dxes?
    Is she taking any medications? If so, what? Is she better, worse or about the same with these medications?
    Any sensory issues?
    Any speech or developmental delays?
    Any mental health issues or substance abuse in the family tree?
    What specific behaviors are you seeing that concern you?

    If you haven't read it, you should get your hands on a copy of The Explosive Chld by Ross Greene. It has helped many of us on this board parent our extra-challenging children.

    When you get a chance, please go to "User CP" at the top of the page and create a signature similar to mine below. It helps us keep everyone on the board straight.

    Again, welcome.
  3. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    Sounds like you have been through so much, sorry you are living this roller coaster ride but you have found a great site. Hang in there and welcome.
  4. Christy

    Christy New Member

    Welcome. Sorrry for your situation. There are many of us here who undersatnd what you are going through. I'm glad you found us.
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911

    When I was younger, so much younger than today -
    I never needed anyone to help me through the day -

    YeahaaaaaH ooooooooohhhhh

    The reason my son did okay (not stellar) at Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and fell apart at home was because there wasn't ANY way I could replicate the level of structure at an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) at home. We tried - we rearranged our entire lives, schedules to accomodate his needs and despite all our efforts I realized we'd NEVER be able to do it.

    At an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) they have rotating shifts of 8 hour days with breaks. (I work 10 hours, come home and try to pretend my day was dandy to deal with WHATEVER difficult child threw my way with no break.

    They had a staff ratio of 15: 5 - we were 1 disabled man and 1 worn out Mom to 1 HECK of a difficult child. I suffered battle fatigue and then had to take care of DF (dear fiance) and his disability and the house, and the bills, and stuff around the house that broke, needed, mowed, needed fixed, needed repaired, mooed, barked or meowed. For 5 years - it was me. AND dealing with difficult child and the school and his mental health people and the pharmacy and this and that and without soapboxing this to bubbles you get my Dreft. haha get it? Dreft? Ahaaaaaaem

    At an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) - it's a job. They are never going to be emotionally vested in your child. They will TELL you they are, push comes to shove it's going to be THEM first. And if the kids do form an attachment - a lot of times the people leave. Most Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s and the like have a high turn over so there are fresh faces and NEW buttons for a difficult child to push.

    I would check into a local Mentor group and see if you can get your daughter into foster care - not any kind = therapeutic foster care. Or respite. Look for something like a YAPS Youth Advocacy Program Service in your area. You need a break from her as much as she needs it from you.

    A proper diagnoses is paramount to her well being and your plan/goal for her to succeed. And IEP at school will help and I believe therapy once a week for a LONG time is helpful.

    Once we know more about you we'll be able to point you in a better direction...and think about this too - it may benefit YOU to go to therapy as well. I know - I was like - ME??? MEEEEEEE??? but after going for a long time as a parent I can tell you without my 1 hour @(#@_) sessions a week to blow it out my nose about difficult child? I would probably be in the nut house.

    Welcome to the community -
  6. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Welcome to our little corner of the web.

    I don't have direct advice on boarding schools or RTCs, but many of our warrior mamas do. I just wanted to extend my welcome and assure you that you are in the right place.
  7. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Welcome to the crowd! Has she had a full neuropsychologist evaluation?

    Pick up Ross Greene's book "The Explosive Child". Certain kids react to different ways that you approach them. It's an easy read, sometimes very funny and not full of technical mumbo jumbo.

    Again, welcome to the group!

  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Must be the honeymoon is wearing off at dad's house!

    Also, don't be surprised if in the next year or so - the school starts to see the same behavior.
    It was right after Xmas of 6th grade for my difficult child - Wow did things go south!