I should begin by saying that my husband and I have no children and so I feel very out of my depth with a problem that has arisen in our otherwise peaceful life.
I have a young woman, almost 19 in my life, whom i have known for 7 years. She recently asked me if she could live with my husband and me when things deteriorated between her and her brother (who has been parenting her since their mom died when she was 12). I reluctantly agreed to let her move in but explained to her that she would have to abide by our rules regarding curfews, priorities she set for herself and truthfulness. Above all, I told her before she moved in that if she lied to us, the deal was off and she'd have to leave.
I was reluctant to have her move in because in the seven years I have known her, she has lied to me about many things big and small and I know this has been a problem between her and her brother. Over the years, I have tried to calmly and clearly explain to her the cost to her and the person she lies to but it doesn't seem to make a difference. I did agree though because I thought she was at an important turning point in her life and she was committed to changing and having a better life.
The breaking of rules and priorities began the first week after she moved in 5 weeks ago. Last week was the first time that she was caught lying about many things. When I told her that I knew she lied, she became angry with me and it appears that all she feels is anger, no regret or remorse and no interest in discussing or working through this. We are at the point now where i have given her two months to find another place to live and an offer to help her find another place. My husband thinks that this is premature and that we should give her another chance but after years of this, I don't feel the same way and it is beginning to cause conflict in my marriage.
Please, I don't know what is the right thing to do. I've seen what happens with my family and friends when they have problems with their young adult children, particularly when they set clear boundaries and then don't enforce them and yet I also care about her.
I have a young woman, almost 19 in my life, whom i have known for 7 years. She recently asked me if she could live with my husband and me when things deteriorated between her and her brother (who has been parenting her since their mom died when she was 12). I reluctantly agreed to let her move in but explained to her that she would have to abide by our rules regarding curfews, priorities she set for herself and truthfulness. Above all, I told her before she moved in that if she lied to us, the deal was off and she'd have to leave.
I was reluctant to have her move in because in the seven years I have known her, she has lied to me about many things big and small and I know this has been a problem between her and her brother. Over the years, I have tried to calmly and clearly explain to her the cost to her and the person she lies to but it doesn't seem to make a difference. I did agree though because I thought she was at an important turning point in her life and she was committed to changing and having a better life.
The breaking of rules and priorities began the first week after she moved in 5 weeks ago. Last week was the first time that she was caught lying about many things. When I told her that I knew she lied, she became angry with me and it appears that all she feels is anger, no regret or remorse and no interest in discussing or working through this. We are at the point now where i have given her two months to find another place to live and an offer to help her find another place. My husband thinks that this is premature and that we should give her another chance but after years of this, I don't feel the same way and it is beginning to cause conflict in my marriage.
Please, I don't know what is the right thing to do. I've seen what happens with my family and friends when they have problems with their young adult children, particularly when they set clear boundaries and then don't enforce them and yet I also care about her.