Help me.............

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DenitaS, Jan 16, 2009.

  1. DenitaS

    DenitaS New Member

    My 17 yo daughter is controlling my life. My options are to continue letting her decide how things will go in my family or call social services or the DA and ask them to place her!! How do you let go of one to protect the rest of the family. Who will take care of her if she runs from foster care??? What am I supposed to do????
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Hi and welcome! First thing I would recommend is making sure you are taking care of yourself and the younger one in the house. I'm not sure what to do to make sure the older one doesn't keep disrupting the household, but there are other members here who have had this experience. You might want to post a thread on the Parent Emeritus (PE) board and see what advice they can offer. Hang in there- you haven't gone through anything that other members here aren't familiar with...
  3. DenitaS

    DenitaS New Member

    My options are to keep living this way or call social servies and have them place her or the DA and ask for the maximum sentence for assault and battery. I just don't know what to do, I have done everything to help her known to man and she is destroying our family!!!
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    If you are in an emergency tonight, call 911 or social services or your crisis center. Is she threatening bodily harm? Really, we are all familiar with all kinds of stories here- can you let us know what exactly is going on? Clearly you are at your wits end- my son is in the hospitale right now for holding a knife- actually two- in my face- and he's only 13- almost 14 yo.
  5. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Hi Denita - sorry things haven't improved. What happened to her going to live with... was it family or friends??

    We're in a kinda similar situation, or will be very soon, as it looks likely my son will be moving back home in order to try to get him away from drugs. It's a last ditch effort, really. As we're trying to figure out how this is going to work (he doesn't attend school, has yet to get a job, has a long history of violence), the only thing I'm really sure of is that this family will *not* revolve solely around him ever again. What that it may boil down to is us evicting him fairly quickly though I am praying hard that a miracle will happen and he'll get his act together.

    It's a horrible position to be put in, but when you have a kid who has been given every opportunity to participate in school, therapy, and treatment, and who still refuses to *and* who has such a negative impact on innocent family members then you really do have to weigh what other family members are entitled to in their own home. In my book, that's safety, relative peace, no drugs, and no violence, period.

    I'm kind of a hard case at this stage. I love my difficult child more than words can say. I've done my very best to try to prepare him, with an incredible amount of outside help, for his adult life. But in my mind there's a very firm line that he cannot cross while he's living here. If he does, he's out. The end.

    There are boundaries, Denita. Simple basic rules and simple basic rights. You and your family do have the right to be safe in your home. If your daughter cannot comply and the family is at risk, then.... I think you do have to strongly consider other options. I know as I look at my other kids and how they are thriving right now that as much as husband and I feel we *must* try to get thank you off drugs, we also absolutely must protect them. It's a very fine line.

    If she runs from foster care, that's *her* choice. You cannot be responsible for that. If she gets consequences for the assault, again - *her* choice. If she can no longer live in your home, her choice.

    At 16, I would try to push for a therapeutic placement for her, but I seem to recall that she's a pretty noncompliant kiddo - it's been my experience with my son that therapeutic placements won't consider taking a kid who is not invested in actual treatment. But - it might be worth a try.

    I'm so sorry things haven't improved.
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2009
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am so sorry you are living with this violence. It is time to take a stand, if for no other reason than to protect your younger difficult child and let her see that you will stand strong against violence.

    It is easier to say than to do. I have truly been there and done that with Wiz.

    You may want to call a Domestic Violence Center or Crisis line - this IS domestic violence and they can help you figure out a plan.

    Saying prayers for your safety, and hugs for your sanity.

  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Is she displaying anger toward everyone? Does the baby live in your home? Is her behavior more "over the top" lately or are you just plain tired of the continued bad behavior?

    I'm sorry you are living with so much stress. I don't really remember your prior posts (sorry) so all I can do is ask questions and send a gently hug.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Not knowing the history. If you're in an emergency situation, call 911 and insist she be admitted to the closest phych unit. (might be a last ditch effort to get her stable) If it's not an emergency issue, yet her behavior is over the top, you still might want to talk to psychiatrist over possible admission. medication adjustment might be needed, or just plain new medications.

    More (((hugs))) been there done that and it sure ain't fun.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I recommend posting on Parent Emiterus or Substance Abuse (if that's the issue). The parents there (including me) have older kids--most parents here are parents of younger ones.

    Oh, hon, I have been there/done that. My daughter is now 24. If she is unsafe, and unwilling to help herself, you have no choice but to place her out of the house. Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s are good. Unfortunately, at her age, she is so close to 18 that I'm not sure social services will get too involved. Why not tell us more about your daughter? (((Hugs)))
  10. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Just wanted to say hello and sorry about the stress. I have many of the same questions as above so I don't have anything more to add yet. Hugs.
  11. DenitaS

    DenitaS New Member

    It is just the same thing EVERY time, her yelling and screaming and hitting walls and slamming doors and not willing to work on anything.. She was in TX and she blew that! Having her M1'd does nothing (we have done that 3 times) and our insurance will only cover 30 days in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I thought that we would be able to handle her till she turned 18 (11 months) but, I just can't do this anymore! She can't find a job and is going to therapy but............. she doesn't see that anything that she is doing is wrong so, why would she change it.................... it just gets exhausting. and now my 14 yo is acting out because why shouldn't she? Nothing happens to her sister..
    YEs, the baby is living with us. the courts ordered her out of our house before but, they (social services) do not want to take custody of her and place her so, we have to make the arrangements.
    I think I will give Social Services a call on Monday and ask for a voluntary placement. Not sure how we will pay for it, but, ANYTHING is better then living this way.
  12. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Isn't there someplace else she can live? Family? Friends? Or has she exhausted everyone with her antics?

    I do think it can be the best thing you can do for your family, including her, to have her out of the house right now. Sometimes the separation is the best way to get along and feel the love.

    My 17 year old is learning from others less fortunate than her, to appreciate what she has. Finally. It has been a long time coming!
  13. DenitaS

    DenitaS New Member

    She has EXHAUSTED EVERYONE!! My family will not take her in and she has run out of friends to stay with.
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry things are so rough. You are right to go to social services and demand some help. Be SURE to tell them that she is becoming a danger to your younger child, through example and through behavior. That often will help get them moving.

    Sometimes a child just can't live with the family. My difficult child is MUCH better when he is NOT living with his siblings. Of course, I was preggo with Tyler when they informed me that Wiz really needed to be in a home where he was the only child. I told THAT therapist in training (student doctor) where to put that suggestion - I already had 1 other child and was preggo with the 3rd!

    But mine HAS improved greatly living with my parents.

    I hope and pray you can find some solution.
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry Denita. I can see you are at the end of your rope.

    Can you get your daughter's medications changed?

    What goes on in therapy? If she doesn't see the effect she's having on others, she needs someone stronger for a therapist. Sometimes it takes repetition and sometimes just a strong person to drive the point home. What does the therapist do? I'm assuming this is family therapy.
  16. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    DEnita: Welcome and I hope you find such comfort here as I do.
    The violence is the main problem. For your grandinfant this chaotic and frightening environment is the imprinting your family is agreeing to provide to the new life. How ever your family values determined that lettiing an emotionally unstable young girl-woman reproduce with in the first years of fertility and then although she is unable to control herself she is to provide for a new infant is outside
    my area of understanding. I do not agree or condone the practise of creating life that is endangered at the moment of conception and everyday after that.
    Domestic Violence Shelters are available across the country and there are
    "Family Violence" Shelters which also include the primary abuser.
    In domestic abuse systems the fact remains that the relationships are
    MUTUALLY ABUSIVE. That is how it is possible to somehow allow and infant to be consieved and born of a mentally ill adolescent and have that infant suffer the abuse you are discribing and the NEGLECT of the indivigules right to life that is safe and loving and not a place of abusive indiferance.
    Hving bipolar is no walk in the park. Having a bi-polar parent is no picnic.
    Having a family system that treates new infants life as if it doesn't matter that mom is an out of control child herself in 2009 in malicious indifferance. The infant needs a proper care situation. Screaming breaking things and the self absorbsion of the manic teen mom?
    Call dv and talk to them about what you can do to set limits and who you contact to intervene.
  17. compassion

    compassion Member

    You are in my thoughts. Was she ever stable on medications? Does shse have postpartum depression? I would pick the most dangerous behavoir and go for that. If it is her rages, I would do everything to protect yourself and your family when she rages. My 15 year old daughter goes into violent rages and I have leanred to leave and protect me. I agree with the boundaries. i have found though when ther is this level of instabilitiey, pick one thing. Good luck! We are also in crisis situation and a few things that have helped: being on here and posting every day, being active in Al-Anon, being viglant about self care:enough rest, eating right, having some time to nurtre me, pray, read,etc. each day. Compassion