HELP need advice

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by crawfordkid, May 30, 2009.

  1. crawfordkid

    crawfordkid New Member

    Hello I am a new member. Looking for direction with a 17 year old soon to be 18 year old step son. I have raised him since he was 7 and he had ADHDA when I was first aquainted with his father my now husband. The boy came from an abusive mother who lost custody due to her drinking, drug use and numerous boyfriends. She may have been a good person at one time, but not a good parent.

    Tommy the step son, ran away to liove with her at age 14, because I confronted him about porn that he was involved in on the internet. 3 months later he returned home without any additional therapy. At 14 1/2 he was at his mothers again this time we recieved a call of arrest for possession of drugs, public drunkeness and cerfew violation. He was fined, put on 6 months probation, and had to do before a panel and submit to monthly drug testing. While this was going on he cleaned up his act. Again at 16 he ran off to his mothers, and began drinking, using and dealing drugs, suspended from public school. I insisted that his father place him in a military school t remove him from the envoroment he created for himself. He went to military school and brought up his grades, and did well there becasue he had too. Since back home again for the summer until he goes to summer school....his anger and disrespect with me continue, because I am strict, hold him to high standards,and will not allow his friends in the house that he circled himself with before leaving for school.

    HE is ODD that has turned into conduct disorder. His father has anxiety that should he parent rather then be his friend his son will not like him again and leave. The dysfunction is so great that I had to flee the house because I can not take the disresect, foul language, and demeaning manner in which he is allowed to treat me, as his father will not step up to parent. Tommy has always had difficulties with women, dishonoring them in school and home situations. His father has bi-polar disease, add, depression, and agressive anger problems. So the apple does not fall far from the tree.

    I am exhausted having this kid continually create turmoil and upset my home, and health.

    What advise if any can someone suggest? His father does not recognize the problem or will not acknowledge it because he fears that his son will leave the house, as I mentioned the son works that to his advantage.
    One can not change what they will not acknowledge.

    This has ruined the relationship with my husband and I. oN THE BRINK OF DIVORCE!! I have been in therapy for nine years and I can not be the only one who wants to make positive change from dispair.
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Welcome. I am glad you found us but sorry you needed to. My child is much younger than your step-son so I don't have much advice to offer except that at 17 years old there may not be much you or your husband can do except to allow natural consequences to take effect. I would also suggest that you and your husband start marriage counseling so that you can begin to heal the rift between you.

    It can be quiet on the weekends but others will be along.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Welcome! I second TM's advice. Also, if he will go, maybe a re-evaluation of the diagnosis would be useful. My guess is that he's either harboring a lot of anger from his mother's actions and a therapist would be helpful OR if his father is bipolar, he could be bipolar, too. But I am not an expert or professional in any mental health field- those are only guesses.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome. I am sorry you are having so many problems. It certainly seems as though you have done your best but based on my experiences I would suggest that it is time for you to give it up. A dysfunctional Mom not only can, usually does, completely alter a child's sense of right and wrong. There is an innate need and desire to attach to a biomom if they have spent early years together. Your husband has too many issues of his own to be able to step up to the plate and fight the battle.

    My response is from the heart and based on many years of trying to overcome problems triggered by and perpetuated by a biomom who is not a drug user or an alcoholic...just not an appropriate adult role model. A stepson nearing adulthood would be a problem that I would write off. My take sounds insensitive but really you are young enough to start anew and have a happy, positive life with others who respect and value you.

    Others will come along and perhaps they will see it differently. This is a diverse group of individuals. After almost ten years sharing with the CD family there have been fewer than a handful with questionable motives.
    This is "a soft place to land" even when the advice doesn't sound warm and fuzzy. We all care for each other and now you are here we include you as a CD family member who is welcome to post as many times as yousee fit and share your feelings freely. I'm glad you found us. DDD
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Welcome to our "soft place". Sounds like you could use a comfy chair to curl up in to enjoy a bit of peace and quiet. Before I tell you my thoughts on reading your post I want to say this: You may not like what I say. I may be totally wrong with it. NOTHING is said to hurt you. And no matter WHAT you choose, you have 110% support.

    That being said, why are you sticking with the father? It really sounds like he has NO intention of demanding respect from his son, not respect for himself, not respect for the father and not respect of you.

    At almost 18 there truly is NOTHING you can do for the difficult child (gift from God, or the child who brought you here). You are not his mom or his dad. Unless mom or dad decide to enforce some boundaries this kid has a really tough road ahead.

    Why do you want a relationship to continue with a man who will not stand up to his own son? Who will not back you in any discipline or rules or whatever? I am NOT saying "Dump the man". You have known them for at least 7 years and have a lot invested in the relationship. I AM saying "Think about what you want in 1 year, 5 years and 10 years down the line. Can you honestly see your relationship with your husband and his child being better? Can you see it filling YOUR needs?

    Sending lots of gentle hugs, and support for whatever you decide (even if it is just to read posts and think for however long.

    I DO recommend that YOU attend AlAnon or NarcAnon. The presence of the drugs and alcohol in his life from biomom will end up effecting YOUR life. These groups are both extremely healthy. And they are FREE!

    If you are going to stay in the relationship, would couples therapy be a good thing?
  6. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi Crawfordkid! Welcome to the crowd! I wish I had something positive to say except for the fact that I think you're an outstanding woman for trying so hard in a bad situation.

    What's got me worried, quite honestly is your description of "aggressive anger problems". Does this mean that either one of them has hit you? If so, I can't imagine advising you to go back. Your physical safety has to be first and foremost in your mind! You may be new here, but we care about each other here!

    Again, welcome!

  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. I would post this on "Teens and Substance Abuse" or "Parent Emeritus" because those are parents who have raised kids to adulthood and have dealt with this desperation. It's a terrible dilemma. My daughter abused drugs for several years and we made her leave. She was fortunate enough that her brother took her in, but he was stricter than us and she straightened out.

    in my opinion you should not deal with his behavior. If this were me, I would probably just tell hub I was leaving until the child did and then do it. I'm very high-strung and that would be the end of me. But we are all different. I hope you can come to a peaceful conclusion.

    Suggestion: Join narc-anon. This is a great organization and you will get TONS of real time advice on how to deal with this soon-to-be-adult as well as your marriage. Everyone who goes to narc-anon in some way deals with a drug abusers and the horrific behaviors that accompany it. Do yourself a favor and go to a meeting. (((Hugs))) Been there/done that.