Help (today please) for sister of "Rap Boy"

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Arttillygirl, Sep 8, 2010.

  1. Arttillygirl

    Arttillygirl New Member

    Many may remember my son who wanted to be eminem and caused a lot of conflict in our home. He's at college and doing well.
    His sister has always been quiet and well behaved. She's acted out recently and I don't want to make the same mistakes. We found out she'd been seeing a boy (who is 18 and just left for college another state away). We disapprove of him not only because he is 3 years older but the two times she's been in trouble it has involved alcohol with him. We saw a counselor and all signed a contract saying she wasn't to "date" above 2 years. And she can't "date" until 16. Well that's around the corner and I found out she is still seeing him when he comes home.
    She took my phone last night to use in bed since the parental controls for her phone go off at 11. She said she was online on my phone, which also doesn't have parental controls so I don't know what she did.

    I thought it would work itself out but I see it won't. Don't know what to do. They are in "a relationship" on FB and I know if I come down too hard it will cause even more anger and a desire to see him.

    Help please! She doesn't know that I know she's still seeing him. Debating on monitoring it or confronting with consequences.
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I wish I had a clue as to how to help you with this. One thing seems like of obvious. Did you give her your phone to use, or did she borrow it with-o asking? If it is with-o asking, you need to address that issue however you normally would.

    I assume you set the parental controls on her phone for a reason. One of them being that you don't want her on the phone after 11. Don't let her borrow/use any of the phones after 11, if that is her limit. It will help prevent this problem in the future.

    You should be able to look at the browser history on your phone. The carrier may also have a way for you to see what websites are opened via their website. We don't use internet on our phones, so I haven't got a clue if that is possible.

    One strategy comes to mind. I have a friend who dated all kinds of inappropriate people. Her folks hit the roof, did all the typical things. Then she brought home Rocker Boy. Clearly he dad either had a mini stroke or adopted a new strategy, because he didn't get angry or forbid anything. He was friendly. Not just shook hands, invited the guy in, talked to him as if he was really interested in what the guy had to say. Had a few conversations with him, invited him to dinner, always took time to have a soda with him when he came over, etc.... Mom was really welcoming too - even asked what his favorite foods were and made them to have around for snacks, and when he came to dinner.

    Now these parents were friends of mine and in private they told me they couldn't STAND the kid. He was awful, treated their daughter badly, smelled funny the first few times (dad asked what the cologne was and where he could get some and the kid realized he smelled unwashed adn cleaned up), was the most boring dolt in the universe, etc...

    They NEVER let on that they disliked him. By the time Dad started inviting the boy for dinner the girl was really cooling off. By the time dinner (his favorites were not something she liked - and her mom knew it, lol) was over so was the relationship.

    It sounds like it came out of a sit-com on tv. It will NOT work with every child or relationship. There is even likely too much water under the bridge for you to change tactics that dramatically. You can recognize that in reality is it HER dating life and not yours, and it may just be something you cannot control. If the guy is the crud you say he is, he likely has at least one girl at college he is "dating" or even sleeping with. I have lived in a college town for most of the last 20 years and it is incredibly common for kids to have a high school kid at home they are "dating" and another one at college. Some even have two FB pages, or FB with the college one and myspace with the high school one. I would try to suggest that he has ohter people at college he dates or even (yuck) "hooks up" with. Don't draw conclusions like "he's cheating on you" or " you are not his only one". Just let her know you are there, you love her and you know she can do better.

    Encourage her to do things with other kids her age, esp in mixed groups. Encourage her to NOT skip events because this guy isn't there to go with her. If you truly think the relationship is abusive or heading that way, get some pamphlets from the local DV center and leave them sitting around.

    Does your contract have any consequences in it for dating someone older than agreed on? If so, you MUST enforce those because you agreed to them

    My advice may be worthless. Use your common sense. I know that my friend and her husband were able to chase off several unsuitable boys and when their daughter really found the "right" guy they treated him the same way and found they really liked him, but if they hadn't taken the time to be so friendly they might not have because they wouldn't have known him. I DO know it won't work for everyone.

    A good therapist would be able to help with this. If you think the relationship is abusive then you need to contact a local DV center to find out ways that you can truly help her.

    Do you have access to her FB account? Her REAL one? It isn't just the "players" with 2 gfs that have more than one page on FB. Kids who don't want parents to know what they are doing are giving parents access to one page on FB and having a second under a nickname or other version of their name (Vicki instead of Victoria, for example) that they post the stuff that will come back to haunt them.

    Even though she is almost 16, you should still watch what she does on the computer and internet - including her cell phone. If you don't have access to her FB account,insist on it.

    Sorry not to be more help, esp since I rambled. lol.
  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Just confirming - your daughter is 15? Because your sig says she's 13.

    Frankly, while I sympathise with your desire to not allow dating until 16, but it's like the restrictions I and my sisters were raised with ("no sex before marriage") which we also tried to impose on our girls - without success. The restriction did a lot of harm to me (in many subtle ways I won't go into now) and frankly, is unenforceable. We did our utmost but you can't have your kid glued to your sides 24/7. You've got to go to sleep sometime, and at other times you go to the bathroom, go have a shower, go to the mailbox - it doesn't take long if your kid is determined.
    In our family, we did better than a lot of parents - easy child didn't lose her virginity until 15, easy child 2/difficult child 2 was about 18. Mind you, a lot of the other parents did not realise that their precious darlings were already having sex. We knew, because we kept our eyes and ears open and our mouths shut (other than to offer advice to the kids when asked). I had a few kids come to me for relationship advice, said they couldn't talk to their parents about the boy because they were forbidden form seeing him or from letting it get that serious. One family we are still moderately close friends with - the dad especially used to lecture us about how to keep your girls "pure" despite it being common knowledge that they climbed out the bedroom windows every night.

    I also learned lessons form my own childhood/adolescence. One boy I was going out with was 23 when I was 17. He asked me to marry him but suggested we keep our engagement a secret because my parents didn't fully approve of him. He was a decent churchgoing young man, but there was something about him my mother disliked. I remember my 'fiance' asking me to a function at his work, my mother refused permission for me to go because it involved gambling (it was a bingo night). I felt she was over-reacting and being unreasonable. As my relationship progressed I desperately needed someone I could talk to, as my 'fiance' was pressuring me for sex and when I was reluctant, saying things like, "You must be frigid". My mother's disapproval had shut off all possible room for me to talk to her about the complexities of the relationship. The only person I could talk to was another bloke, an older man who was a fellow student at uni and who had befriended me. I also talked to husband about it (he was a friend at the time, had his own girlfriend problems) but I didn't talk to husband about the pressure for sex angle, I didn't know him that well!

    What I learned from this, was the importance of keeping the communication open a a priority. What I needed my mother to tell me was NOT "Don't have sex before you're married" but "If you don't want to have sex and he is pressuring you, then insulting you for continuing to refuse which is your right, then he is not respecting your space; that is not a healthy thing in a relationship. Here is what you need to say to him..."

    Interestingly, easy child 2/difficult child 2 went through similar conflicts with her first boyfriend. Any problem she had, he would behave childishly and passive-aggressively (which I experienced a great deal of, with 'fiance'). When easy child 2/difficult child 2's boyfriend started getting manipulative and nasty, easy child 2/difficult child 2 was getting confused and feeling guilty (which is what he intended). Thankfully she was able to talk to us about it because although we didn't like him a great deal, we were clearly making an effort to be good to him. Frankly, I felt sorry for him because he had a rotten upbringing and had no concept of what family means. We went out of our way to welcome him, to open our house to him (because that way, the relationship was carried on right under our noses, and not miles away in secrecy). It is a lot easier to referee a relationship, when you have a clear view of all the action. There were even times when both of them were able to open up to us and talk things through.

    You can't save your child from pain, but if you are able to keep them communicating, you are better placed to help minimise the damage when they are going to make their own choices anyway. I decided that if my kids were going to make poor choices, the sooner I knew about them and the more they talked to me, the better the chance we would have of helping them over the problems so they could make better choices next time.

    So with your daughter, if she is permitted to see this guy on your premises but NOT go to parties with him (because they've broken trust with alcohol) then chances are, this won't change what is probably already happening. It will just move the location to a safer place.

    Forbidden fruit can be the most sweet. If she sees him more often under conditions you can control, she has a better chance of seeing his flaws sooner.

  4. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Oh, and I forgot to mention - my 'fiance' the nice churchgoing boy who was pressuring me for sex, was to-timing me and was an utter cad who broke up with me eventually and in doing so, did me a huge favour. He was a creep, a coward and a moral vacuum. I would have realised this eventually. I would have realised it sooner if I had been able to talk to someone more about the problems.

    In easy child 2/difficult child 2's case, she bounced back when boyfriend broke up with her (he was drunk and egged on by his mates) then next day wanted to get back with her; she had been able to talk to me about the problems and so was ready for his change of heart and stood firm. "No, you made a wise decision." She listened to me and took my advice when I told her to insist on a month's "no contact" between them as a cooling off period, then they could together discuss where their relationship was going. With that little time apart (her choice, despite my advice) she got enough distance to see his bad behaviour and feel more comfortable with the decision to move on. Her choice, but in good communication with us. Mind you, we had had to really grit our teeth when she started sleeping with this guy. But we knew we couldn't prevent it, if we tried we would just drive the whole problem underground and that would remove the last few controls we had.

  5. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Hate to say it, but the more you don't like him and don't want her seeing him - the more she is going to looooove him. You cannot enforce forbidding her to see some one. You cannot be around her 24 hours a day to ensure she doesn't. It is just not realistic.
    Now, it has been my experience that as soon as I like a boy my difficult child is dating, she doesn't want anything to do with him. So, my advice is to talk to the guy, invite him over for dinner, etc. Then it's not a "forbidden" romance anymore. We tend to forget that all teenage girls are about the drama and a forbidden romance is sooo exciting! Make it not exciting anymore. :)
  6. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    If she gets in trouble with alcohol (or otherwise gets in trouble) with this boy, don't make it about the boy - make it about her choices and behavior. Leave the boy out of it. The more you blame the boy, the more she is going to defend him. And, really, someone can't make you do something you don't want to do. So, it really is her choice and should be treated as such. You drink alcohol, x happens. It wouldn't matter if it was that boy, another boy, a female friend, whatever - the consequences are the same.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I didn't read the other responses so if mine is redundant, I apologize. I have a 14 year old and I was appalled to see that your kiddo is only 13.

    If this was my child, the boy would be getting a phone call about contributing to the delinquency of a minor. You can get a lawyer to do it. When I was young, I helped my friend run away when she was 17 and I was 18. Her father WAS a lawyer and told me that if I didn't tell him where she was, he'd have me arrested. It worked.

    I don't know that you can stop her from dating, but I would limit it to HER AGE and IN A GROUP. Neither of my girls were allowed to date that young. Unfortunately, a lot of stuff goes on at young ages fourteen year old is a really obedient child (unlike my older daughter...haha) and she tells me the stuff that goes on and it isn't pretty. My oldest daughter did date behind my back and she ended up heavily on drugs...there will come a time when you have no control over your child, but now you do. My advice would be (in my opinion) to set the rules now and stick to them. You did something right if your son turned out ok. Trust yourself to guide your daughter the same way! Good luck, whatever you decide to do ;)
  8. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    MWM, the info embedded in her post implies she is 15 and the guy is 18. I asked for clarification.

    I was talking about this very issue this morning with easy child 2/difficult child 2 who made an interesting point - if this guy IS a jerk (as the mother suspects) then by being welcoming to him, inviting him home for dinner etc (so the relationship can happen but under parental noses) it also can send a message to the guy that perhaps the girl is more serious about him, than he is about her. A louse of a guy would use this as an excuse to dump her. WHich, if he is a louse, is a good thing. Better for it to happen sooner rather than later, and if it happens because Mum is being nice to him, so much the better. If he breaks up with the girl and she comes back at her mother, "It's because you made it all too difficult! It's all your fault!" then you have not achieved any lesson at all.

    It's the guy who breaks up with the girl because her parents are welcoming, that tells you (and the girl) tat the guy's intentions were less than honourable.

    So grit your teeth, put out the welcome mat.

    We did this with easy child's first boyfriend. At one point they broke up. She was devastated. Then they got back together. He seemed a loser, hanging around with other losers all of them on the dole (welfare). It had been several years since he finished high school and he was not making a move to do anything, get a job, do any college. We were not happy, but we supported the relationship in order to not lose our daughter, we did not want to drive that relationship underground. She had been involved with hjim (long distance for the first couple of years) since she was 14 and he was 15.

    They are now married. He finally enrolled in an evening course that he liked, and he did another. Then another. After he'd done a few courses, he qualified for a university course which he completed a few years ago. easy child moved in with him to support him as he finished his uni course. It was a financial struggle and we held our breath. But now - we have a son-in-law who is not a loser, he is a marvellous, caring, supportive husband for our daughter. There was a time when I never thought it would end well. Now - we think the world of him.

    You never know.


  9. Arttillygirl

    Arttillygirl New Member

    I wondered if that might be a creative way to do it.
    If I tell her I know and give her punishment: she'll know I have access to her computer conversations. I told them when we got the computer that I had access to EVERYTHING they do so I dont know why she doesn't realize it but she doesn't.
    The boy, in one conversation, even said could we just sit down and have dinner with your parents. So it's not a shifty situation at least. I just know if we condone it then sex is right around the corner with his age difference and no religious background or reason not to.
    Thanks for your input.
    Driving is definitely not going to happen till 17 now!
  10. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Hate to say it, but sex is a very real possibility at 15 regardless. Maybe start looking at birth control? I have had my difficult child on the depo shot since she was 14 (and she remained a virgin until 16 1/2).
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    If you forbid and rive it underground, sex is almost 100% going to happen anyway, but less likely that you will find out about it and be able to help her through any problems.

    Knowing about it and accepting it isn't condoning it. We finally decided that if it was going to happen, it may as well be under our roof, safer than in the back seat of a car where they could be interrupted and someone else invite themselves to join in by force. At least in your home, you can make sure that it's safer.

    We showed our kids where we keep condoms. We don't need them ourselves, but we bought them anyway so the kids had an emergency stash. We lectured the kids about safe sex and I even took the girls condom shopping (had a lot of fun embarrassing them in the supermarket where all could hear - "Honey, do you want ribbed or unribbed? Trust me, the ribbed make no difference despite what they say, but guys often complain they reduce sensitivity.")

    As soon as I realised my girls were having sex, I got them to the doctor and had them put on the Pill. If you want the adult pleasures, you get to deal with the adult responsibilities and sexual health is a responsibility for both. Although it's usually the girl who bears the brunt of problems for not being careful.

    Problem 1) - pregnancy. Ensure good contraception.

    Problem 2) - STDs. Never trust someone who says, "You're my first." It could be true, but after they've said it, they could have sex with someone else and who knows what they could pass on to you? Also, they could mean it, but have a rubbery definition of what "sex" means, and again, put you at risk. So ALWAYS use safe sex. Now, tis brings up social problems especially with teens, who believe themselves to be invulnerable. There is also the social stigma of "Why do you want to use a condom? I said you're my first; you said I'm your first; are you lying? Or don't you trust me?" There is also, especially for the girl, the fear that if she asks a guy to wear a condom, what is it saying about her previous experience? Even knowing enough to ask, could put a guy off. It has been said that the reason some guys prefer virgins, is they don't like comparisons. So even in these days of alleged equality, this is still (and probably always will be) a very unlevel playing field.

    Problem 3) - urinary tract infections. THis is a common first clue tat your daughter has started having sex. Perhaps the most common cause of Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) in a girl, is sex. ABout 36 hours afterwards, symptoms begin. The reason is, bacteria are pushed into the urinary tract during intercourse (it's the same sort of mechanism that has an ear of wheat or barley climb up inside your sleeve when you insert the grain stalk-first at the cuff then swing your arm - do this with your kids, it's a good example). The prevention is simple - a girl should ALWAYS go empty her bladder within fifteen minutes of intercourse. Always. Empty. And avoid having sex with a full bladder. I learned this very early on because I also had a congenital kidney problem, and this trick has prevented a lot of infection in me. It's not foolproof but reduces infection rate by about 90%.

    I had said to my girls, "I would rather you waited, but if you choose not to, I need to know so I can help you and advise you." Of course, neither told me. But we caught easy child 2/difficult child 2 in the act. And we suspected it in easy child, then had it confirmed when she developed a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) a day or so after seeing her boyfriend. I challenged her (while driving her to the hospital) and she admitted to me. There's nothing like impending incontinence, nausea and pain to make you honest.

    When we went to the doctor with the girls, we put in place the whole health regimen - pap smears, breast checks, contraception, safe sex. I also gave them a lecture on sexual responsibility as well as the social responsibility for your partner. I taught them what NOT to accept in how they're treated, how it always has to be their choice and no girl should feel pressured into having sex if she chooses not to. No guy should make a girl feel bad for saying no, and no girl should give a guy a hard time if he chooses not to or is unable to "follow through". It's a two-way street.

    None of this is condoning sexual activity. Whatever that means. My girls knew that we would have preferred them to stay celibate, but they were my girls and they needed me to help them through the consequences of their choices.

    Let's say your daughter comes home and says, "Mum, I've decided to drop out of school and go get a job. Frank at the supermarket has offered me some work on the checkout; I can start tomorrow."
    SHe leaves school which shatters your dreams of her going on to finish school, go to uni and study law or medicine. But legally she is old enough to make these choices, and if you force her to stay at school you know she is likely to simply truant, or refuse to study. At least she has swapped school for a job.
    So what do you do? What can you do? She is saving up money to buy a car and you suspect that is her motivation. But you buying her that car is not necessarily a good thing; you would feel you had been blackmailed into it.
    So you help her deal with the consequences of her choice. She starts the job. She loves it for the first few months, then realises it is boring and she feels she is in a rut. She has burned her bridges, can't go back to school. She sees life stretching away ahead of her, spending all her working years getting no further than checkout chick.

    It is not condoning her choices, to at that point step in and help her find an alternative route back to study. Maybe there is a part-time option so she can continue earning. Or perhaps an apprenticeship in something could be found. But you help your child because that is what parents do. She knows she has disappointed you; by now, she accepts she has disappointed herself, and for the rest of her life, it is herself she has to please with her choices.

    PatriotsGirl, I don't think you have to let on how much you have been eavesdropping. Instead, simply say to her, "Invite him home to dinner. Maybe we were hasty to tell you to not see him. If we meet him, we might find what it is about him that you like, too. After all, we raised you with certain standards and hopefully you are applying those standards, at least in part, when you choose your friends."

    Alternatively, arrange a family outing to neutral territory. In our case, we first met easy child's boyfriend at a museum. boyfriend lived in another city, he and easy child mostly emailed to one another or telephoned (for hours! Tied up the phone horribly). We had fun all together, easy child & boyfriend had to show some self-control in public (although sadly, when it was her little sister's turn, she would publicly snog to an embarrassing degree. We took photos to show her how bad it looked).

    Condoning - it all depends on how you define it. We got to the stage where our daughters invited the boys home to stay overnight. Because of where we live, it really is impractical to invite someone for dinner and not let them stay overnight. We knew our girls would try to sleep with them. You simply can't spend your nights lying on the floor outside your daughter's bedroom, after the first few times your arthritis really plays up. And frankly, that is what it would take to prevent. So we realised - if we would have to go to those lengths to prevent, those girls would be having sex anyway, elsewhere.

    Eventually one boyfriend moved in with us, because it was a more practical arrangement for his work. He paid board, he did chores. And our daughter moved in to his room. She talked it over with us, pointed out that since she was going to choose to sleep with him anyway even though we did not approve, we may as well be open and honest about it.

    In both cases, our girls married the guy eventually. In easy child 2/difficult child 2's case, it was the guy who moved in with us, who she married. The first boyfriend I knew was a mistake, but we could not prevent. The best we could do, was try to insulate her (and him, too - he needed some protection from the emotional fallout) as much as we could.

    We did not condone. But at some point, we did accept. And that was appropriate because by that stage they were legal adults and making responsible choices.

    It's that tricky, awkward time in between that you now have to navigate.

    On a related matter - yes, we are regular churchgoers. We live in a small village, our church congregation is small, everyone knows everybody else's business (that's how I know about daughters of other parishioners, sneaking out the bedroom window at night). Yes, we did get the lecture from church elders about our daughters' inappropriate behaviour. I tell you, it's a bit rich when the lecture comes either form someone who has no idea what his own daughter is doing; or alternatively, someone whose daughter is not yet old enough to be a worry. That last person became very quiet on the subject very suddenly, about two years ago!

    You need to be strong, in so many ways. Your daughter's welfare is much more important than what other people think of you. You need to know you are a good person, despite what anybody says. Live your life right but do not put your child behind other people's opinions. In our community I can see parents who do worry more about public opinion, than their children. One family with an adult lesbian daughter, have hidden her away and won't let her attend social events with her partner. Very sad.
    We went through the stage of our girls both being rejected by people at church. OK, natural consequences. But when someone at church said to me, "How do you feel as a Christian, having your daughter living in sin? How can you condone this?" I did stay polite (despite how I was feeling).
    I replied, "She is an adult now. She makes her own choices. We like the young man. We do not want to force him to marry her, if he asks her it must be because HE chooses to, not because we have put pressure on them. And given his childhood experiences of discrimination from alleged Christians, we intend to show him that we're not all judgmental and hateful. Once he is ready, he will propose to her, I am sure. She knows this. She is not forcing the issue. We accept her decisions because as an adult, she is entitled to make her own choices. We raised her with as much of our values as we could give her. What she chooses to do with those values, is not our decision."

    This moral issue is not restricted to Christianity. All religions (and even many atheists) have strong moral codes and also concerns about what other people in society will think. When your kids see you supporting them, even when they make stupid decisions and they need our help to find their way out of the mess, they will know we love them unconditionally.

    You can love your child even while you disapprove.

  12. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    One last point - you need to always keep an open door to your children's friend (unless they're clearly a danger - I had to ban a few mates of difficult child 1's for a while) or you risk the "star-crossed lovers" syndrome, where the relationship is mainly held together with the "you and me against the world" bond. I'm seeing a friend go through this now with her adult daughter - they banned the boyfriend for a while because he was rude and disrespectful. I told her she needed to welcome him in and be polite to him so his own bad manners in response would be thrown up in sharp relief, so the girl could see for herself. But now she is caught in the romance of "I love him, even though my parents don't." And the creep plays on this, he's classic nasty passive-aggressive and the girl is trapped in an abusive relationship that she feels she has to defend. She has fought so hard to defend this guy to her parents (who should have said nothing) that she now has painted herself into a corner; she knows as soon as she backs down and send this guy packing, that her mother will say, "I told you so".

    A very bad situation.

    Good luck with this one. It can be managed, but you will have to sit on your lips a lot. Be loving, be welcoming, let the boy make his own mistakes and be gracious enough to not point them out too much.

    You know you have won, when your child's partner tells your child, "Listen to your parents. I do."

  13. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Totally agree with others your best strategy is to invite him over, be friendly, nice and welcoming. You might find him a nice guy and if not at least you know what you are dealing with.

    Also agree on getting you daughter protection....that is purely a practical matter in my book.

    One other thought. Check the age of consent laws in your state. Where I live the age of consent is 16. I think if possible I would make sure that both kids knew that. Depending on the state he would be at serious risk for criminal charges if he is 18 having sex with a 15 year old. Of course your pressing charges would surely upset your daughter, but knowing that was a possibility might make him think twice.
  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    The legal thing - we had that, too. Since we knew that as usual the law is lagging way behind reality, we chose to ignore the problem ourselves but kept reminding the kids when they were having sex while under age, that they were in breach of the law and to bear this in mind. The main problem was easy child, whose boyfriend was a year older. When they became sexually active she was 15 and he was 16. easy child 2/difficult child 2 was 17, her boyfriend was a few months younger.
    Frankly, easy child was more mature at 15 than her sister was at 17. And we have 'lucked out' - easy child and her boyfriend are now happily married, we love our SIL1.
    easy child 2/difficult child 2 broke up with her first boyfriend (it was messy but they have resolved their differences) and fell right into the arms of another who was waiting in the wings. He is SIL2 and was the one who moved in with us while their relationship was still new. frankly, he was a pain in the derriere to begin with, a cultural thing ("Westie" - the Aussie/Sydney equivalent of know-it-all redneck). For a while we felt we had another kid to raise, but the raw material there was good stuff and he's now more polished, more sure of himself.

    I must also stress - SIL1 was also a problem, had a big chip on his shoulder (again, cultural - it's a problem with the city he comes from, a collective social inferiority complex, totally undeserved). He spent time with us, spent time in other cities (easy child devotedly moving from city to city to be with him) and finally moved back to his home city for 18 months (where they married). They couldn't get away from the place fast enough; found the collective chip on the shoulder too hard to live with, once he had shrugged it off for himself.

    WHat I'm saying - your kids, as teens, are still developing and are often not very nice people yet. Ditto the boyfriends. So be welcoming, be supportive but instead of trying to discipline strongly, use guidance instead. It's time to let them realise truths for themselves; trust me, the home truths will be remembered much better when they discover them personally.

    We love our kids' spouses.

  15. Arttillygirl

    Arttillygirl New Member

    Thanks for all the wonderful, wonderful advice! I was looking at all the help I received with my son on this board. (I ought to print them out so I'll remember what to say when their kids are doing this stuff, lol)
    Well we decided we were going to be welcoming, etc. but that was until I saw a post this morning about all he was going to "do to her" when he got here. That is illegal and if that's what he's coming for we are going to at least try to convince her that its wrong and why.
    So that was it, she says shes breaking this off. She seemed ok with it and the reasons why. So at least we 3 communicated very well about all our feelings. I just have to wait and see if it takes or she's just playing us.
    She'll be 16 in Dec. and if this guy is still around at least we aren't breaking our contract (about being with those that are 2 years older or more) It's a silly point but it is important to honor the contract I think. I told her that if he's the "one" he'll wait for her "when she's much older" but I am praying he finds someone in college pretty soon. He is about 4 hours away which helps.
    It is time to start thinking about birth control. sigh
  16. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Geeze.... this sure is a tough situation. I know the old saying goes the more you prevent the relationship the more exciting it becomes. I have no experience with dating yet my kids are 10 and 7. I do however have a difficult child neice who is 19 dating 15 year old boy. The boy acts like he is 12 and has not an ounce of respect for anyone ! He is a punk and has nothing going for him but she thinks he is the cats meow. brother in law and sister in law said they wouldn't tell her who to date but he is not permitted in their home and they make nothing easy for the two of them (they did make things nice and easy for awhile but realized this kid is a real problem) Maybe making things alittle harder for easy child will make things fizzle out. I wish you the best !