I just know if we condone it then sex is right around the corner with his age difference and no religious background or reason not to.
If you forbid and rive it underground, sex is almost 100% going to happen anyway, but less likely that you will find out about it and be able to help her through any problems.
Knowing about it and accepting it isn't condoning it. We finally decided that if it was going to happen, it may as well be under our roof, safer than in the back seat of a car where they could be interrupted and someone else invite themselves to join in by force. At least in your home, you can make sure that it's safer.
We showed our kids where we keep condoms. We don't need them ourselves, but we bought them anyway so the kids had an emergency stash. We lectured the kids about safe sex and I even took the girls condom shopping (had a lot of fun embarrassing them in the supermarket where all could hear - "Honey, do you want ribbed or unribbed? Trust me, the ribbed make no difference despite what they say, but guys often complain they reduce sensitivity.")
As soon as I realised my girls were having sex, I got them to the doctor and had them put on the Pill. If you want the adult pleasures, you get to deal with the adult responsibilities and sexual health is a responsibility for both. Although it's usually the girl who bears the brunt of problems for not being careful.
Problem 1) - pregnancy. Ensure good contraception.
Problem 2) - STDs. Never trust someone who says, "You're my first." It could be true, but after they've said it, they could have sex with someone else and who knows what they could pass on to you? Also, they could mean it, but have a rubbery definition of what "sex" means, and again, put you at risk. So ALWAYS use safe sex. Now, tis brings up social problems especially with teens, who believe themselves to be invulnerable. There is also the social stigma of "Why do you want to use a condom? I said you're my first; you said I'm your first; are you lying? Or don't you trust me?" There is also, especially for the girl, the fear that if she asks a guy to wear a condom, what is it saying about her previous experience? Even knowing enough to ask, could put a guy off. It has been said that the reason some guys prefer virgins, is they don't like comparisons. So even in these days of alleged equality, this is still (and probably always will be) a very unlevel playing field.
Problem 3) - urinary tract infections. THis is a common first clue tat your daughter has started having sex. Perhaps the most common cause of Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) in a girl, is sex. ABout 36 hours afterwards, symptoms begin. The reason is, bacteria are pushed into the urinary tract during intercourse (it's the same sort of mechanism that has an ear of wheat or barley climb up inside your sleeve when you insert the grain stalk-first at the cuff then swing your arm - do this with your kids, it's a good example). The prevention is simple - a girl should ALWAYS go empty her bladder within fifteen minutes of intercourse. Always. Empty. And avoid having sex with a full bladder. I learned this very early on because I also had a congenital kidney problem, and this trick has prevented a lot of infection in me. It's not foolproof but reduces infection rate by about 90%.
I had said to my girls, "I would rather you waited, but if you choose not to, I need to know so I can help you and advise you." Of course, neither told me. But we caught easy child 2/difficult child 2 in the act. And we suspected it in easy child, then had it confirmed when she developed a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) a day or so after seeing her boyfriend. I challenged her (while driving her to the hospital) and she admitted to me. There's nothing like impending incontinence, nausea and pain to make you honest.
When we went to the doctor with the girls, we put in place the whole health regimen - pap smears, breast checks, contraception, safe sex. I also gave them a lecture on sexual responsibility as well as the social responsibility for your partner. I taught them what NOT to accept in how they're treated, how it always has to be their choice and no girl should feel pressured into having sex if she chooses not to. No guy should make a girl feel bad for saying no, and no girl should give a guy a hard time if he chooses not to or is unable to "follow through". It's a two-way street.
None of this is condoning sexual activity. Whatever that means. My girls knew that we would have preferred them to stay celibate, but they were my girls and they needed me to help them through the consequences of their choices.
Let's say your daughter comes home and says, "Mum, I've decided to drop out of school and go get a job. Frank at the supermarket has offered me some work on the checkout; I can start tomorrow."
SHe leaves school which shatters your dreams of her going on to finish school, go to uni and study law or medicine. But legally she is old enough to make these choices, and if you force her to stay at school you know she is likely to simply truant, or refuse to study. At least she has swapped school for a job.
So what do you do? What can you do? She is saving up money to buy a car and you suspect that is her motivation. But you buying her that car is not necessarily a good thing; you would feel you had been blackmailed into it.
So you help her deal with the consequences of her choice. She starts the job. She loves it for the first few months, then realises it is boring and she feels she is in a rut. She has burned her bridges, can't go back to school. She sees life stretching away ahead of her, spending all her working years getting no further than checkout chick.
It is not condoning her choices, to at that point step in and help her find an alternative route back to study. Maybe there is a part-time option so she can continue earning. Or perhaps an apprenticeship in something could be found. But you help your child because that is what parents do. She knows she has disappointed you; by now, she accepts she has disappointed herself, and for the rest of her life, it is herself she has to please with her choices.
PatriotsGirl, I don't think you have to let on how much you have been eavesdropping. Instead, simply say to her, "Invite him home to dinner. Maybe we were hasty to tell you to not see him. If we meet him, we might find what it is about him that you like, too. After all, we raised you with certain standards and hopefully you are applying those standards, at least in part, when you choose your friends."
Alternatively, arrange a family outing to neutral territory. In our case, we first met easy child's boyfriend at a museum. boyfriend lived in another city, he and easy child mostly emailed to one another or telephoned (for hours! Tied up the phone horribly). We had fun all together, easy child & boyfriend had to show some self-control in public (although sadly, when it was her little sister's turn, she would publicly snog to an embarrassing degree. We took photos to show her how bad it looked).
Condoning - it all depends on how you define it. We got to the stage where our daughters invited the boys home to stay overnight. Because of where we live, it really is impractical to invite someone for dinner and not let them stay overnight. We knew our girls would try to sleep with them. You simply can't spend your nights lying on the floor outside your daughter's bedroom, after the first few times your arthritis really plays up. And frankly, that is what it would take to prevent. So we realised - if we would have to go to those lengths to prevent, those girls would be having sex anyway, elsewhere.
Eventually one boyfriend moved in with us, because it was a more practical arrangement for his work. He paid board, he did chores. And our daughter moved in to his room. She talked it over with us, pointed out that since she was going to choose to sleep with him anyway even though we did not approve, we may as well be open and honest about it.
In both cases, our girls married the guy eventually. In easy child 2/difficult child 2's case, it was the guy who moved in with us, who she married. The first boyfriend I knew was a mistake, but we could not prevent. The best we could do, was try to insulate her (and him, too - he needed some protection from the emotional fallout) as much as we could.
We did not condone. But at some point, we did accept. And that was appropriate because by that stage they were legal adults and making responsible choices.
It's that tricky, awkward time in between that you now have to navigate.
On a related matter - yes, we are regular churchgoers. We live in a small village, our church congregation is small, everyone knows everybody else's business (that's how I know about daughters of other parishioners, sneaking out the bedroom window at night). Yes, we did get the lecture from church elders about our daughters' inappropriate behaviour. I tell you, it's a bit rich when the lecture comes either form someone who has no idea what his own daughter is doing; or alternatively, someone whose daughter is not yet old enough to be a worry. That last person became very quiet on the subject very suddenly, about two years ago!
You need to be strong, in so many ways. Your daughter's welfare is much more important than what other people think of you. You need to know you are a good person, despite what anybody says. Live your life right but do not put your child behind other people's opinions. In our community I can see parents who do worry more about public opinion, than their children. One family with an adult lesbian daughter, have hidden her away and won't let her attend social events with her partner. Very sad.
We went through the stage of our girls both being rejected by people at church. OK, natural consequences. But when someone at church said to me, "How do you feel as a Christian, having your daughter living in sin? How can you condone this?" I did stay polite (despite how I was feeling).
I replied, "She is an adult now. She makes her own choices. We like the young man. We do not want to force him to marry her, if he asks her it must be because HE chooses to, not because we have put pressure on them. And given his childhood experiences of discrimination from alleged Christians, we intend to show him that we're not all judgmental and hateful. Once he is ready, he will propose to her, I am sure. She knows this. She is not forcing the issue. We accept her decisions because as an adult, she is entitled to make her own choices. We raised her with as much of our values as we could give her. What she chooses to do with those values, is not our decision."
This moral issue is not restricted to Christianity. All religions (and even many atheists) have strong moral codes and also concerns about what other people in society will think. When your kids see you supporting them, even when they make stupid decisions and they need our help to find their way out of the mess, they will know we love them unconditionally.
You can love your child even while you disapprove.
Marg
