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Help with mentally ill son
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 667876" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>You did the right thing.</p><p></p><p>We have lived through what you are experiencing, sadparent. I believe you and husband have been following the correct path in how you see your son and his mental status, and in how best to help him. I believe husband's actions now are the correct thing for you to try, next. The situations our children present have horrifying consequences, for them and for us, too. My heart goes out to you and your family. I know what it is to love a child who is self-destructing. That is what it feels like. That they are endangering themselves intentionally. We wonder where we went wrong. We try so desperately to learn how to help them. We cannot put the pieces together, because nothing fits. The kids say and do the strangest, most hurtfully self destructive things and we come to a place where everything we have done, everything we have been able to learn about how to help both them and ourselves hasn't worked.</p><p></p><p>That is so scary a place to be.</p><p></p><p>None of this is your fault. We are a collection of parents who have parented in every way imaginable and yet, our troubled adult kids are taking the same kinds of actions, are responding to us, and to everyone who tries to help them, in the same ways. The kids seem to be throwing their lives away with both hands. It is a helpless, horrifying reality we are living through with our kids. It goes from bad to unimaginably worse in a twinkling.</p><p></p><p>I am glad you posted in.</p><p></p><p>One of the moms here tells us that a mental illness is not an excuse. It is the diagnoses of a set of symptoms. If your child has been diagnosed in this way, then these are the challenges he will need to incorporate into his understanding of who he is in order to manage his life.</p><p></p><p>You cannot manage his life, or his illness, for him.</p><p></p><p>There is some question about chemical imbalance related to illicit drug use and the diagnosis of bipolar, in particular. There is no conclusive evidence as to which came first. Did the child use in an effort to self medicate, or have the illicit substances the child tried out of curiosity affected the chemical balance of the brain? If the addiction can be addressed, will the symptoms created by the chemically imbalanced brain disappear?</p><p></p><p>Those are some of the questions being researched, now.</p><p></p><p>Back when these things began happening to my kids, everyone was still blaming everything from schizophrenia to homosexuality on rotten mothering.</p><p></p><p>At least, we have moved beyond that.</p><p></p><p>What we think we know now is that there is a genetic susceptibility to addiction. In my solitary opinion, there is a connection to creativity, too.</p><p></p><p>But that's just me thinking that.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>We can help and support you as you come through it, each in our own way.</p><p></p><p>For us, the bottom value has been: Can I take this action regarding my child's situation and meet my own eyes in the mirror.</p><p></p><p>It got to that point, for us, for husband and I.</p><p></p><p>It was devastatingly hard to go through it.</p><p></p><p>We (husband and I) have learned that, though it seems the kids are not listening, they are. You and husband represent safety and wisdom to your child, whether he seems to be listening or not. Our site administrator posted an excellent video for us on the mechanism of addiction. I will reference it for you: </p><p></p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/the-chemistry-of-addiction-video.61050/#axzz3m5rTGxXD" target="_blank">http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/the-chemistry-of-addiction-video.61050/#axzz3m5rTGxXD</a></p><p></p><p>Anyway, hang onto that what I posted about the kids seeing the parent as sources of safety and wisdom. What you say, how you think and see your son, how you come to see yourselves as parents and as persons ~ every belief system you have about yourselves will be challenged as you come through this, and as you bring your son through it.</p><p></p><p>I have tried to find a place of affection for my kids. In spite of the shame of it, or the guilt of it ~ in the face of whatever shenanigans extended family are getting into around what is happening to my child ~ that I have been able to find a place of affection ~ not the desperate love of a mother for her endangered child, but of steady affection for, my addicted, rebellious child ~ that has given me a place to stand and helped me know how to respond to him.</p><p></p><p>Others of us will be along, soon. Each of us will have a particular piece that will resonate for you. Together, we will all get ourselves and one another through it.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 667876, member: 17461"] You did the right thing. We have lived through what you are experiencing, sadparent. I believe you and husband have been following the correct path in how you see your son and his mental status, and in how best to help him. I believe husband's actions now are the correct thing for you to try, next. The situations our children present have horrifying consequences, for them and for us, too. My heart goes out to you and your family. I know what it is to love a child who is self-destructing. That is what it feels like. That they are endangering themselves intentionally. We wonder where we went wrong. We try so desperately to learn how to help them. We cannot put the pieces together, because nothing fits. The kids say and do the strangest, most hurtfully self destructive things and we come to a place where everything we have done, everything we have been able to learn about how to help both them and ourselves hasn't worked. That is so scary a place to be. None of this is your fault. We are a collection of parents who have parented in every way imaginable and yet, our troubled adult kids are taking the same kinds of actions, are responding to us, and to everyone who tries to help them, in the same ways. The kids seem to be throwing their lives away with both hands. It is a helpless, horrifying reality we are living through with our kids. It goes from bad to unimaginably worse in a twinkling. I am glad you posted in. One of the moms here tells us that a mental illness is not an excuse. It is the diagnoses of a set of symptoms. If your child has been diagnosed in this way, then these are the challenges he will need to incorporate into his understanding of who he is in order to manage his life. You cannot manage his life, or his illness, for him. There is some question about chemical imbalance related to illicit drug use and the diagnosis of bipolar, in particular. There is no conclusive evidence as to which came first. Did the child use in an effort to self medicate, or have the illicit substances the child tried out of curiosity affected the chemical balance of the brain? If the addiction can be addressed, will the symptoms created by the chemically imbalanced brain disappear? Those are some of the questions being researched, now. Back when these things began happening to my kids, everyone was still blaming everything from schizophrenia to homosexuality on rotten mothering. At least, we have moved beyond that. What we think we know now is that there is a genetic susceptibility to addiction. In my solitary opinion, there is a connection to creativity, too. But that's just me thinking that. *** We can help and support you as you come through it, each in our own way. For us, the bottom value has been: Can I take this action regarding my child's situation and meet my own eyes in the mirror. It got to that point, for us, for husband and I. It was devastatingly hard to go through it. We (husband and I) have learned that, though it seems the kids are not listening, they are. You and husband represent safety and wisdom to your child, whether he seems to be listening or not. Our site administrator posted an excellent video for us on the mechanism of addiction. I will reference it for you: [URL]http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/the-chemistry-of-addiction-video.61050/#axzz3m5rTGxXD[/URL] Anyway, hang onto that what I posted about the kids seeing the parent as sources of safety and wisdom. What you say, how you think and see your son, how you come to see yourselves as parents and as persons ~ every belief system you have about yourselves will be challenged as you come through this, and as you bring your son through it. I have tried to find a place of affection for my kids. In spite of the shame of it, or the guilt of it ~ in the face of whatever shenanigans extended family are getting into around what is happening to my child ~ that I have been able to find a place of affection ~ not the desperate love of a mother for her endangered child, but of steady affection for, my addicted, rebellious child ~ that has given me a place to stand and helped me know how to respond to him. Others of us will be along, soon. Each of us will have a particular piece that will resonate for you. Together, we will all get ourselves and one another through it. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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