Help with son and my wife, his step mom

[alaskanneedshelp]

I am glad I found this site and hope I can get some help.
I am divorced and remarried. We both brough one child into the marriage from our previous and they are three days apart at 14. Crazy really. My wife and I admit that we have had rough times and most of the time it is due to dealing with the kids. Either there actions or our not understanding each other in our concerns. We have worked really hard and made big improvments but last year we became seperated. We worked through the issues but my son hates her for it. There is zero respect towards her. I work rotational work 2/2 so when I am gone he stays with his mother. A couple months ago my son decided he wouldnt come home if my wife was there. I tried not to push him and we would go out and do stuff but he always went back to his mothers. This frustrated my wife.
Last time at home My wife and I had a falling out and she moved out. She feels guilty about what my son is doing and doesnt want to be the reason I dont have him. During this time I found out she went out and had a one night stand. It hurts me deep but I feel we can get through this. Only problem is my son knows about it. He is planning on coming home when I get home becasue she is not there. My wife and I are taking it slow so I can heal and we can work everything out before she moves back in, we feel its whats best for the kids.

How do I get my boy to accept here and stay when she comes back? I feel like he is running my life and forcing my decisions. I love him so much but I also love my wife. He already said I chose her over him. I am hoping now that its just us I can talk with him. He is very stubborn though and I really dont know if he will give it a shot. Thats all im asking of him. His mother supports him in whatever he wants to do as long as he stays home, it doesn't help... I am so confused and just need advise

 

[BusynMember]

My own son is going through a divorce and his little boy is needing to deal with his mother's "fiance." As far as he's concerned, this man broke up his parents and he doesn't like him, although he is a nice little boy (still very young) and won't give him a hard time.

This is very common in divorce and there is nothing you can do to make him like your wife. His mother may be planting things about her in his head like "Dad left us for her." You can try family counseling. But you have already seperated from your wife and your son knows she cheated on you. in my opinion it's going to be a tough sell. She isn't exactly being a model stepmother and your marriage isn't working out that well either. He's fourteen. He knows exactly what's going on. Did you say the two boys don't get along either?

I always think it's best to put the kids before the new girlfriend/boyfriend. Did he act like this when you were dating her? Have you been divorced from Mom a long time? Have you ever chatted on dadsdivorceforum.com? If you went there, the men would give you a reaming out for ever marrying this woman when your child didn't like her. In their eyes, since they all want custody of their kids, the child comes before the new relationship.

Now maybe you can make your son visit you with wife there. In certain states there are certain ages when the child can decide not to go. But if he CAN be forced to go, without wanting to, that may only make things worse.

You have a hard battle ahead. I do wish you luck!

 

[alaskanneedshelp]

Thanks for the advice. Both our kids get along good, when they want too. My son didn't have an issue when we were dating. I was divorced for 4 years before I met my current wife. Maybe he never was 100% for my marriage and I didn't see it but I don't believe that a man should be single till his kid moves out. Just like I feel like he is strong arming me now into geting what he wants. He thinks it will be more fun just him and I and has stated so.

Part of it is that he has more "fun" at him moms due to the spoiling factor. The other part is that he just doesn't like my wife for whatever reason. Part of it is the arguing we had done in the past and part is from her actions. I am not asking him to be her best friend. I only ask that he play fair and stay in the house with all of us and try, my wife wants to try too. We have a councellor but he won't go if she is there. Very stubborn.

 

[Dixies_fire]

Why would you tell your son about the cheating?

You confided in him as some point as if he were an equal about your marriage, he believes he is entitled to an equal opinion on the matter.

And quite frankly he is entitled to his opinion. You have every right in the world to make your marriage work but at 14 a child has his own mind and vilifying your wife probably quite a bit during the separation and the cheating, you opened this door.


A family in my opinion can over come initial dislike In a melded family situation but you and your wife are clearly having issues and you aren't keeping it private you aren't keeping it an adult matter you are inviting everyone to weigh in on what kind of wife she is.

You have effectively cut her out of being an authority figure in your house and now you want to take it all back? You can't.

The only thing I would advise is either you and your son or you or you and your son and a counselor sit down and have a discussion about the situation. If you are determined to work out your issues with your wife you will have to explain to him point blank that you were wrong for airing your grievances to him. It wasn't fair to him to tell him and then expect it all to be okay. But it's not okay either for him to manipulate you into leaving your marriage. But do not expect him to be kosher with taking orders and direction from her, you burnt that bridge it will take trust building on all sides for her to have anything like a parenting relationship with him again.

I have been cheated on and I am sorry because I know it hurts.

But you are inviting your kids to participate in your dysfunctional marriage and that's not really okay.

 

[DDD]

Sorry, but I have to say "Ditto". You do not seem to understand the difference between being in an adult relationship and being in a parent/child relationship. He is not your friend. He does not need to be your guidance counselor. You are either a role model DAD and a SPOUSE or you can be a pal. I've raised a bunch of teens and they do NOT need a parent as a friend...for sure. DDD

 

[alaskanneedshelp]

Your right... I messed up. Sometimes I forget he is not an adult when I am dealing with something so catastrophic. I need to learn to control my emotions better but thank you for pointing that out. It opened my eyes and I see where I goofed.

I will work my butt off to save my marriage. I will also work my butt off to save or salvage my son and wifes relationship. Life sure can throw some **** at us, can't it!

 

[confuzzled]

seems to me that unless I'm missing something, *HE* came up with a pretty good solution...with mom when you work, with you when you don't.....

whats wrong with that?

 

[BusynMember]

Amen, confuzzled. If the kids don't pick 'em or like 'em and they're teenagers, they have the legal right to refuse to visit them.

I had no idea the OP told his son that Wifey cheated. I figured he had overheard something. It just wasn't something I even considered. The marriage may be saved, but the relationship with the kid may be forever in ruins...

 

[alaskanneedshelp]

Amen, confuzzled. If the kids don't pick 'em or like 'em and they're teenagers, they have the legal right to refuse to visit them.

I had no idea the OP told his son that Wifey cheated. I figured he had overheard something. It just wasn't something I even considered. The marriage may be saved, but the relationship with the kid may be forever in ruins...

My son lives with me for two weeks while i'm home and with his mother for two weeks while I am gone if that helps clear things up. Also, in Alaska the child doesnt have the legal right to chose, not even at 14. It can be a consideration in a custody battle but there has to be more to it.

I keep feeling like everyone thinks I am making a mistake for having a wife when my son doesn't care for her. We are already married. Is everyone suggesting I divorce my wife for my kid? That seems ridiculous. I know now that I have messed up with talking with my son, and for that I need to appoligize to him and I already have with my wife.

My question is what steps can I do at this point to increase my odds of saving my family? Once again I screwed up but i'm not perfect as is anyone else. My plans at this time is since its just us at the house for two weeks to talk with him. Maybe if he is somewhat open have dinner as a family to start slow. Maybe even go running or something. My wife is never alone with my son and I can be the buffer if there is any issues. He is a teenager and does have somewhat of an attitude in general. I just want him to give it a shot, one more chance so we can prove things are better.

 

[InsaneCdn]

You're asking how to make your son want to make your marriage work?
He won't. Not ever. Not even if none of the stuff from the last year or two had never happened. Not even 10 years from now.

He sees your wife as taking away HIS rightful time with YOU. And right now, he needs YOU more than he ever has in his life. From where I sit (thousands of miles away of course) you WILL have to choose between wife and son... for at least the next 4 years. He's already heading into the absolute worst time period in a young man's life - a time of major turmoil and upheaval... and that's just due to hormones and growth and peer pressure...

And that's before we ask the question of whether she still brings her kid with her too... and what the dynamics are between the two kids.

There is no right answer, and certainly no easy solutions.

 

[DDD]

Perhaps this will make you feel a bit better, lol. I remained single for six years and carefully chose my second husband because he was gentle, a great Dad to his kids and not in the least confrontational. Combined we had six teens but they did not all live with us..his kids primarily lived with their Mom and stepdad. My son was totally devoted to me and gave me NO problems...he was the easiest of my three bio's. SO...when I shared with my children that I had decided to marry my son "turned" into a PIA. For EIGHTEEN MONTHS he referred to my husband as "Mr. X". He not only didn't choose a name for him...he acknowledged him as if he was a visitor who just happened to live with us.

They ended up being friends. For a number of years they were tight as ticks. That much loved only son of mine caused a heck of a lot of grief for almost two years. Introducing a new spouse ain't for the faint hearted. I did my best. You did your best.....but, alas....you messed up big time by pretending he was a contemporary. Fall back and regroup. Show your true love for each of them and don't "turn" on your wife. It isn't necessary and can be fatal.
Good luck. DDD

 

[BusynMember]

First off DDD, none of this applies to you. Six years is a long time to be divorced. You picked a wonderful man who did not leave you af few times and cheat. It was likely your kids would learn to respect that you need somebody after so long and that you picked a good man. Now to the OP:

I've seen so many men or women hurry, hurry to get remarried and then bring other kids into the new family too...and expect all the kids to embrace it. That often doesn't happen. The time to really think is before you marry. And now this poor kid has a fourteen year old "twin" age brother he doesn't like either. Maybe he gets more attention with mom and doesn't have to share her with a stepsibling he didn't ask for and a new wife.

You married her. It's up to you what you do with your marriage. But my advice to enriching your relationship with your son is to interact with him WITHOUT your wife and your stepson. Take him out alone a lot of the time. You can't force him to embrace this new "family" but you can get closer to him by spending quality time alone with him where he doesn't have to deal with fourteen year old stepbrother and new wife.

My own preference was always to put my kids before an adult SO. And I really didn't want to marry anyone with kids because I have kids, and that's exactly what I did. I married a man who is childless and told him that he is not to discipline my kids...just sort of be their friend. Me and my ex did the disciplining of our children and it reall y worked out well. Your wife is not his mother and should not be part of the discipline. If she tries to be expect son to say, "You're not my mother. I don't have to listen to you." And then not listen to her. It is better if she takes a softer role.

If you ex was a drug addict who abused/ignored him, that would make him more receptive to Wife. But it doesn't sound like she is. Sounds like he feels she loves him. That makes your wife in a tough place with him.

Spend alone time with your son when you have him. He doesn't like your wife and stepbrother and you can't force him to. The more you try, the more he will resist.

If you want to talk to men who are in your exact shoes, balancing stepsiblings, new wives, their own kids and ex, here is the link to the Dads forum.

Good luck! I'd read that forum to get some male feedback. The forum is right below this.


http://forum.dadsdivorce.com/viewforum.php?f=5