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<blockquote data-quote="JayPee" data-source="post: 751146" data-attributes="member: 23405"><p>Terry,</p><p></p><p>You inspire me! You are a strong woman, who is kind and giving. Don't forget that. When our Adult children fail, we often take it as "our" failure and we carry that guilt because we all know we weren't perfect at one point or another and easily blame ourselves for their inability to thrive, no matter what age they are.</p><p></p><p>You sound like you know how to keep boundaries with the kids not eating in their rooms, you make sure their homework is done and that they have friends and activities to be involved with. Maybe try to use that same inner feeling you use to establish those boundaries with your Adult Son. Know that it's in his best interest to take care of himself.</p><p></p><p>Someone told me on this forum that my son(s) were like my addiction. They were right. So, with regards to that, I recently read something that said, "You can starve an addiction to death simply by not feeding it". For me, I can starve my addiction of enabling, feeding, rescuing and fixing my homeless son(s) problems by detachment. Setting boundaries, so they aren't begging me every day to do for them. The more they hear "no" (it takes time), the less they ask. The less they ask, the more time is allows my compulsive fix it behavior to get better as I get stronger and stronger and work on myself which also helps me not to think about their "discomfort and needs" 24/7. I've mentioned, I'm "afraid" a lot of the time and my stomach is anxious sometimes but we can still do something even if we are afraid. </p><p></p><p>You mentioned that you feel like someone has died whenever you think about your son's choices. In my opinion, I think it's important we do grieve. Grieve the loss of which you always wished you had with your son. If you knew someone who physically lost a loved one, you wouldn't tell them to hold in their grief. Yours is just as real. It's ok to feel it. Allow yourself a time limit to cry but don't cry forever because you will have no recovery. It will be like opening a new wound every day.</p><p></p><p>Sending prayers...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="JayPee, post: 751146, member: 23405"] Terry, You inspire me! You are a strong woman, who is kind and giving. Don't forget that. When our Adult children fail, we often take it as "our" failure and we carry that guilt because we all know we weren't perfect at one point or another and easily blame ourselves for their inability to thrive, no matter what age they are. You sound like you know how to keep boundaries with the kids not eating in their rooms, you make sure their homework is done and that they have friends and activities to be involved with. Maybe try to use that same inner feeling you use to establish those boundaries with your Adult Son. Know that it's in his best interest to take care of himself. Someone told me on this forum that my son(s) were like my addiction. They were right. So, with regards to that, I recently read something that said, "You can starve an addiction to death simply by not feeding it". For me, I can starve my addiction of enabling, feeding, rescuing and fixing my homeless son(s) problems by detachment. Setting boundaries, so they aren't begging me every day to do for them. The more they hear "no" (it takes time), the less they ask. The less they ask, the more time is allows my compulsive fix it behavior to get better as I get stronger and stronger and work on myself which also helps me not to think about their "discomfort and needs" 24/7. I've mentioned, I'm "afraid" a lot of the time and my stomach is anxious sometimes but we can still do something even if we are afraid. You mentioned that you feel like someone has died whenever you think about your son's choices. In my opinion, I think it's important we do grieve. Grieve the loss of which you always wished you had with your son. If you knew someone who physically lost a loved one, you wouldn't tell them to hold in their grief. Yours is just as real. It's ok to feel it. Allow yourself a time limit to cry but don't cry forever because you will have no recovery. It will be like opening a new wound every day. Sending prayers... [/QUOTE]
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