Here for support...at my wits end-fighting with daughter

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Hejlena, Dec 23, 2017.

Tags:
  1. Hejlena

    Hejlena New Member

    Hello fellow parents, I found this sight when I googled about my 11 year old daughter screaming at myself and her brother every day. My daughter is a sweet, smart, and caring girl. She is pretty introverted, no behavior problems at school, but can be very controlling and mean at home. She only does these things to her family-but she does not care where we are-last night she raised her voice at her brother in a restaurant for my birthday dinner and when I cued her to stop, she yelled “What’s wrong with you?!” We were mortified. She tells me she hates me every day, slams doors-hers is broken now, talks back, and does not take responsibility for her words or behavior.

    I am sad and exhausted and I feel as if my family is broken. I am a single parent, and the strain we are under is palpable. My 13 year old son is developing anxiety symptoms because I have begun to engage with her more and more. Today in my worst moment I told her I hated her too.

    I know my daughter does not feel good about herself when she does these things; we talk about fair fighting and boundaries, breathing and calming techniques and cues, but in the moment she just escalates and escalates.

    I do have her meeting with an art therapist beginning next week at her school, hoping she will benefit from someone to talk to. I guess I’m just hoping to hear what others think. Thanks for listening!
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. My first question is is has she been evaluated by a Neuro psychologist or any other high level professional? I am not at all convinced art therapy will help you figure out why she is like this, what you can do to help, what professionals can do to help and other answers you can't have if you don't have her assessed by a top notch professional. This could be a neurological glitch, but you won't know without help or what to do to help her. And this is starting to affect your entire family. Are YOU in therapy to learn coping skills so that you are less apt to erupt?

    My perspective is you are trying to do this without knowing what is wrong and without any talking between a professional and herself. Some people are phobic about therapists. in my opinion that hinders their progress and that of the difficult child. Sometimes with challenging kids we need to step out of our comfort zones and take a plunge that we aren't totally comfortable with....for them.

    We are all parents that have had difficult kids and some are adult kids, on drugs, still difficult. I know you don't want that. Best to vigorously attack this now on all fronts before she is eighteen, out of your control and most likely worse. They do not normally outgrow being difficult. It seems some people are born difficult for various reasons....hard births, prematurity, neurological glitches like autism, a DNA bad card draw from one or both sides of the family tree. It is nobody's fault.

    Early chaos in the home and loss of a caregiver in the first three years can cause attachment problems. Unattached kids are extremely hard and get harder without the right specialized help.

    I think it has to start with assessing her. I prefer Neuro psychologists (psychologists with additional training in the science of the brain). My autistic son was finally diagnosed right by one after years of wrong diagnoses. He is now 24, on his own, and very kind. He started out way different!

    I highly recommend this route. The school assessments were never intensive or spot on for us so I personally don't recommend school evaluations.

    Love and hugs!
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  3. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Welcome Hejlina;

    You are not alone here. It may be quiet due to the holidays but many members have similar problems to yours and can provide you with their experiences. Do know you are not alone.
     
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    The only thing that worked for me was logical consequences. She broke her bedroom door? Fine, no door. Threw her cell phone off the balcony because she wanted a new one? Either use the old one or make one out of cardboard, because I said I would replace ONE and I did. Find a babysitter for your daughter and take your son out for a pleasant meal, telling her that she maybe she can join you when she learns how to behave like a civilized person. If you can't behave properly, you don't go. Act like a toddler, be treated like one.

    She was pretty good about taking responsibility for her words/actions, but she saw how I called her older stepbrothers on their behaviors. Son #1 told us, during a fit (he was late teens) to forget his birthday, and for my Hubby to forget he ever had a son, then was outraged we didn't acknowledge his birthday. Well, kiddo, you told us not to... Son #2, around age 16, decided he didn't want to be part of the family any longer. Fine. I didn't cook enough dinner for him, didn't talk to him or about him, and generally ignored his existence. On the second day, we came home from the store to find him perched on the garage roof like an owl. We ignored this. Then he came in and had decided he would like to rejoin the family.

    Honestly, it was open warfare for many years, and I wouldn't want to do it again. I was a single parent for about seven years before I remarried, and it's hard enough with one child. My daughter has ADHD, but after graduating college she chose to go off her medications, and she's doing very well. My mom advice would be simply to hold her feet to the fire regarding her behaviors, and see what she chooses to change. Then go from there.
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Consequences work if the kid cares about them. Many very disordered kids dont respond to ANYTHING. If that is the case, you need an evauation, top notch, and professional help. I read about kids who are apathetic even if they have no door, no bed, and no electronics. They still act up.
    If something works, do it!!
    If nothing works then you must access professional help because you can't work with the kid who is oblivious to all consequences.
    Take that into consideration. It's important
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  6. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    I am very sorry to hear about your difficult daughter. I have a stepson who sounds similar to her. He is now 17 and we are not in contact with him by his choice. We are not the residential parents.

    I agree that art therapy, while potentially enjoyable for her, will not scratch the surface of her troubles.

    At the very minimum, consider contacting her pediatrician and requesting a referral to a child psychiatrist. Medication may make a huge difference as it sounds like her behavior is beyond her conscious control.

    This time of year is so hard. You are in the right place. We have all walked our own version of this sad story. Keep posting.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List