Here is my Story... I am sorry so long...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DavidWH, Dec 5, 2007.

  1. DavidWH

    DavidWH New Member

    I know this is long... But I can not find input or anyplace to go to for outside the box perspective.

    I am a single Dad, Mother of child (14.5 years old) left when he was 18 months old, found her at his request when he was 11. After a year of letters and request to her parents to help me let her know her Son wanted to know her and visit her, Finally got a call from her, I took him to her 600 miles away so he could meet her, went fine. Phone contact was constant, I told her I simply wanted her to be a Mom to him in some form. She visited a couple of months later, I even allowed alone time for many hours, seemed to go fine he of course loved it.

    Months went by phone calls continued promises of other visits never happened for one reason or another, she gets pregnant and now she can not travel, she wants me to bring Son to her to visit I refuse, explain this is her duty to have a relationship. Baby is born, by this time I am going through pure hell, he is sent home from school 12 to 18 times over the next 3 years for stupid things, cussing, pulling fire alarm, not doing as told ect ect... During same time, he breaks into 2 different houses for no reason put to look at video games, none stolen, caught both times by folks IN THE HOUSE at the time. He goes to detention center spent about 6 months in detention over a 18 month period of time for other things like, taking my car and wrecking it, skipping school while hiding in the school.. ect ect..

    Most of this happened in last 1.5 years, I answered the phone one day she was on the line, I told her enough is enough you either be "some sort of a Mom, or get the hell out of his life" she hung up and zero contact since then, even after him calling for about a year leaving voice mails for her to call back, then she disconnects the phone number, still zero contact..

    All the while I am dealing with courts, I have been evicted 3 times from homes, had charges filed against me for trying to protect my Son, (dropped after judge saw what really went on) being sued by the apts that evicted us (for him breaking into other apts) for breaking the lease. He has been on probation for over 3 years now, DSS, Many different family therapist and counselors in office and in home visits, lost a great job... I got mad at boss and cussed!! Imagine that during all this going on in personal life.

    Fighting with courts for some help, what to do looked at treatment places, camp seemed only option, boot camp.. no way, boarding school.. nope not willing to deal with issues.. He is ADHD, ODD, PTSS... (I think bi-polar) ( yea not a new issue always been on a IEP in school, smart as :censored2: kid for sure IQ is 129 - Failed each school year, but took EOG and passed every year and moved to next grade because he passed in higher percentile than most kids in the state.

    OK, now reason for my post here, I WANT my Son back!

    He has been gone for over 4 months now at a GREAT place in NC. At first he did great, then he ran away found very fast (with in 2 hours) then all hell broke loose, he fought everything and everyone (not physical) he is allot like me, he needs his family he is very needy in that way he loves me and would do anything just to have attention from me. (But of course not much of that at camp) They took him off his medications, right before he ran the first time, he was on Dextrostat 3 times a day and clonodine for sleep at night. They had him off for 6 weeks all medications, put on another after he ran away the second time, about 4 pm one Saturday at 10pm that night they called me and said he was not found but they were all going to bed and would call me in the AM, think I got mad? yep.. I went to the camp arrived about midnight... met the police there, and continued to look for him ALONE in the woods in the dark crying my eyes out dying inside knowing no one in the world knew where my baby was but him and God, and doing all I could to stop thinking of some freak seeing him and picking him up for one reason or the other.

    I stayed till about 4 or 5 am and drove back home knowing I was accomplishing nothing, I got a call at 8.30am he would found about 15 miles from the camp by police. PHEW

    I met with the camp that next day Monday... I was :censored2:, but they said nothing they could do they will not search in the dark for kids, when kids leave they are always found looking at night.. worthless.

    I told them medications, it is clear impulses have and still are a huge issue he does something, then after it is done he then knows... oh :censored2: I messed up. So they put him on .5mg Adderall. It seemed to work pretty fast, but also I had a new game plan for them to try... if you do what your should then you can gain time to spend with Dad... Wow a different kid, he could do no wrong.. he gained his time I saw him almost two times a week for a month... Life was great I loved it he loved it... (remember I lost my job a year ago, so I had the time) - Well now things a bit different, I think the "time" he got with Dad is more than they (camp) could take, (of course he was with in eye view of someone during all visits, a normal thing at his level) So now they try, "time with the campus dog" ... Well I have family day this Saturday... he is not doing so well, he feels he "can't" do it.. As he says, there is so many little things that have to come together in behavior and actions, to move up in the program he feels overwhelmed (my words). He continues to ask me, how long do I have to stay Daddy, do I have to graduate, or get to some level to come home? I have no answer for him.... I want him home too..

    I can say he is a different child as far as he knows if he messes up big time again he will be in boot camp per the judge, (he has plenty of points on his juvy record to send him now) he has not been able to visit home one time in the over 4 months he has been there... First hope is an over night 24 hour visit for Christmas, IF he goes up a level and he just got turned down for it today... (forgot his water bottle a couple of times behind so the group had to go back to get it in the last week)

    I want my Son, I feel like it was my fault as I should not of contacted his Mother as like I have been told by some it is my fault if she wanted anything to do with him she would have not left him in the first place, but others have also said you do what you can to help your child so that he can not come back later and say you did not allow me to have my Mom. So now I am trying to get her to contact him again, she will not respond I am keeping all proof of my contact with her so he will see I have tried, but he wants me to try, he says he wants his Mom to be a part of his treatment... But to no avail .. last week he asked for her address, first time he has asked in well over a year and a half.

    I am being honest here now... this whole experience has taken a toll on me, I am flat out drinking almost everyday now, I cry at EVERYTHING I miss my baby so much and I feel God gave him to me and I won custody because I was best for him... But I also know he may be getting the best help he could be getting, then again he is so much like me... family is everything he needs to feel the love and he wants to give the love.. He is hurt.. and I have said so many times to so many people.. Can you imagine, your own Mom refusing to be part of your life? I do not care how the lady feels about me for divorcing her or for any reason, no matter what I could never ever not be a part of my Sons life....

    I feel and fight daily with .. just go get him bring him home and do it right this time, start going to church stop drinking and be his Daddy... But I do NOT want to mess up his chance IF this is truly his chance... He has so high hopes for a future

    I know the camp is first rate, it took 3 years to get him in, it cost over 5k a month... I ave major issues with no support group for parents, yea we have "parent support" meetings for the few parents that show up one time a month and the time is used for a counselor just to give updates on new things or what have you... There is no forum to discuss with current or past parents.. Man I am just hurting.. I am so tired of crying at every kid I see in a TV commercial or what ever... I WANT MY SON... but I do not want to harm him more by ebing with him if this is the right place to help him... makes no sense I am sure!
  2. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    I responded in your other post too David.

    Are you sure that this is the right fit for you son? At 5k per month, I'm hoping he is seeing psychologists, psychiatrists, and social workers - very often. Like daily. There are a plethora of programs out there for troubled kids. You need to find the most perfect fit for your son's issues.

    Has anyone ever used the term Reactive Attachment Disorder in regard to your son? Do a Google search and see what you think. From your brief outline, it seems that your son really started acting out when biomom cut herself out of his life.

    Your post is heartfelt. But, there is almost an unhealthy - needy quality to your words. And if you are drinking every day - bringing him home right now might be counter productive.

    Are you in therapy yourself? Drinking and crying at everything might be symptomatic of depression. Might be a great place to begin.
  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    First, welcome and a big hug for your hurting heart. I can hear the pain in your post. I can tell you from experience that he has got to meet certain expectations before he can be allowed to come home--for his sake and yours. I believe that he has to, at his age, accept that he is responsible for his choices in life. He has the choice to work the program or not. You can't "get" him out because you miss each other. He will only get out if he does the work? Does this program have a set of goals he has to accomplish each week? Are they attainable? Do you support the program when in his presence?
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    No one can tell you if this is the right place for your son but you.

    However, I would have some major issues if my daughter were there. My daughter was a 3-hour flight from me. As with all parents, whether they were 15 minutes away or in another country, we were allowed one visit a month, two phone calls per week. The visits were never taken away. The phone calls were if there were behavior issues. In addition, there parent seminars every three months. These were held on campus, some were with our kids, some without. All were geared to help us change our parenting style. In addition, there was at least weekly contact with staff to find out how our kids were doing.

    The levels are common and the kids usually feel they are impossible to accomplish. They aren't meant to be easy but they are doable. My daughter spent at least the first 8 months, if not the first 12 not working the program at all. She simply went through the motions and tried to "look good." No one fell for it.

    To have staff tell you that when a kid has run away and they'll continue searching in the morning doesn't feel right to me. I can kind of understand them saying it is too dangerous to search at night (many searches quit at sunset if the terrain is bad), but I'd expect there to be more understanding and a much better explanation from the staff.

    As to your feelings, they are common. We all feel that way. I know I cried myself many nights wondering if I'd done the right thing in sending her there (and her behavior wasn't half as extreme as your son's is). Whenever I visited, I wanted to grab her and take her home. She was miserable. I was miserable. I saw no progress. So, why was I making us both unhappy? Fortunately, I stuck it out, but it was so very hard.

    Did you agree to have them trial without his medications? If so, it is time to say you've had your chance without them, now please put him back on them. He's shown he functions better with medications than without. Not every kid can change with just behavior modification. For some, medications are a lifetime reality.

    As hard as it is, remind yourself that you still have your son. He's just not with you right now but he's still yours. And where he is is far, far better than where he was headed. If he continued with the same behavior, you know he would end up in juvie at the very least and prison was a very real future for him. At least this way he has a chance to turn his life around.

    You need to get you to a therapist, possibly a psychiatrist to get some medications for your depression. You need to stop drinking daily. This helps no one, least of all you. When he comes home, you're going to need all of your strength to help him. If you're drunk or drinking, you're not going to be in any shape to help anyone.

    In the meantime, (((((DAVID)))))
  5. DavidWH

    DavidWH New Member

    Wow, thank you I will reply to questions but once again everything I read .. I can not stop being emotional.. But I do want to clear one thing up.. I am not one of those idiot parents.. I am just so frustrated that I failed him.. and it hurts so bad, I can not seem to go on with out him, and I am 100% sure I need something to take for me I am sure I am very depressed and angry but I am so ashamed to ask for help for me, I make a Dr appointment then do not show up.. I seem to not be able to do anything. just a shower for the day is a YOU DO IT NOW type of thing.. I make myself act
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You didn't fail him.
    While nobody can tell you if a certain place is good for him, he isn't doing well at home. However, in my experience (which is only MY experience), the kids don't miraculously change--often they do better there, it is structured, but they are not cured or suddenly hit by a bolt of lightening and changed.
    If you feel your son may be bipolar, ADHD medications will only make him worse, activate him more. When was his last intensive evaluation by a Child Psychiatrist or a neuropsychologist? There are children who are abandoned by a parent who handle it better than that--in my opinion he is mentally ill so it is harder for him to deal with ANY stress, but finding and treating the REAL problem (not always easy) in my opinion is also a good start. At age eighteen you can't really force him to get help anymore. I think he needs to decide he needs help and follow the instructions of those trying to help him. But it is not your fault and you didn't fail him. Your child is just wired differently--perhaps he inherited some mental illness from his mother. Genes are potent.
    Give him time. He's still very young. Kids can change, but they often do it on THEIR timetable and, if he IS bipolar, he desperately needs a mood stabilizer and desperately does NOT need stimulants, Straterra or antidepressants. I have a mood disorder. Good luck!
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    The pain you are feeling is so real in your post that it hurts my Mommy heart. I'm so sorry you're hurting so much right now.

    Please know that in order to be at your best to help your son, YOU have to take care of yourself too. It is a tough lesson that many of us parents here have learned.

    Parenting our kids is emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting at times, and it's during these times when we have to be extra careful to be certain we taking time for ourselves. Don't be ashamed to go get help for yourself. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Parenting a difficult child is one of the toughest jobs on the planet. Many of us here have had to go seek help for ourselves and it can make a huge difference in how you look at things.

    You are in no way shape or form a failure as a parent. You are an amazing father who stepped up to the plate and has been there for his son. You've done your best by him, and are STILL doing your best by him to help him grow and flourish. No one can ask more.

    As for bio Mom...... You did what you thought was best at the time. Okay. So it didn't work out. Mistake made. We all make mistakes. Obviously Mom doesn't want to mother her child. Nothing you can do about that. So I'd leave it alone. Let the tdocs help difficult child cope with that issue while you continue to give him your love and support.

    But please, go and seek some help for yourself too.

    I can't offer any advice as far as his camp goes, except that I'd have a major problem with any facility that didn't have regular visits and phone contact with parents for the child. And that whole not searching for him at night just feels sooooo wrong.

    Many warm gentle ((((hugs))))
  8. brandyf

    brandyf New Member

    your in my prayers.

    i too know the bipolar world. i believe both my mother and father have been cursed with the illness. my sister is bi-polar, off her medications and i havent seen or heard from her since sept 7, 2007. i miss her.

    my son is bipolar. i am bipolar (not diagnosed, i cant seem to make the call, can barely pay the bills even when staring at teh money for days. i sometimes will make appointment, like hair appts and then wont show up, its bipolar). my son is just like me too. i drink a lot too. my prayers are with you. you need to listen to your heart and your mind. this is your son. dont leave it to someone else to raise your child, especially if you feel deep down in your heart that its not right. i am not saying that he isnt in a good place, of course i have no idea the situation, but if your not comfortable with it, you need to take a closer, deeper look. i believe god works in your heart, sole and mind, those feelings of guilt are from god.... you need to really think about what you want present and future for both you and your son.

    you made me cry, as my son is only 6 years old. seems every generation in my family only acts out younger and more outragiously than the one before. it hurts, i know, no one will ever love your son as much as you.

    keep your head up, and keep your inner ear open...what you feel and think are very important.
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    David, welcome aboard. Glad to meet you. Sorry you had to find
    us. on the other hand, you are really lucky to have found us as there is unliminted unconditional support available for all of us. I think you might find extra understanding in the Teen & S. A. forum area where alot of us hang out. We even have an anguished
    Dad who is a recovering alcoholic. Like you, he has suffered along side his son...perhaps more than is healthy.

    I am the "old lady" of the Board and I can tell you with total
    assurance that I am one tough Mama and business woman who already
    has raised a bunch of children. An occasional Cutty Sark and I
    have been able to cope without picking up my much missed cigarettes UNTIL this year. Whammo! Like you, all of a sudden
    I was spontaneously tearing up. I couldn't sleep and it was sheer heck trying to manage my business.

    Members of the Board encouraged me to get medication (something
    that I never expected to do) and it really really helped me cope
    and it helped me support my son more appropriately. For me it
    was Lexapro and it did wonders. After a few months I was able
    to taper back off and return to normal.

    To help your son, you really have to find a healthy way to help
    yourself. Sending supportive thoughts that you will call and make an appointment pronto. You need to be an example to your least that is how I motivated myself to do it. DDD
  10. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Just popping in to offer you my welcome. I hope we can help you find answers for your difficult child.
  11. DavidWH

    DavidWH New Member

    Again, thanks for the replies

    Want to answer some questions as well clear up somethings that make me wonder if I should just pull him out of the program.

    Q. "Are you sure that this is the right fit for you son? At 5k per month, I'm hoping he is seeing psychologists, psychiatrists, and social workers - very often. Like daily."

    A. I am now after 4 months convinced it is a self paced program and the "Learning" they do is more from peer pressure, as well as hard labor if you really mess up (IE... run away, fight ect...) until you can prove you deserve to be with your group again, and get you privileges back, this WOULD INCLUDE going to school. (My Son has all F's for lack of attendance, there for a few weeks when he had issues, and has not gotten caught up yet, so he failed on first report card) they see a "Counselor" when ever they want, this person is also my contact at camp she keeps in touch with me one or two times a week to give me updates and so on she also is the "family therapist" one time a month my son and I spend an hour with her talking. They see a psychiatrist... once a month and he I feel now is just for medications management, nothing more.

    Q. "He will only get out if he does the work? Does this program have a set of goals he has to accomplish each week? Are they attainable? Do you support the program when in his presence?"

    A. Yes, they have a level system is it not an easy system for the boys, and it is after watching it for 4 months a system that expects perfection in your level (one out of line problem, IE... forgetting your water bottle laying around somewhere, screws up it all) if perfection is not accomplished, you must start over for one more week and try again. My Son is stuck in the first level (they have mini levels with in each level, he is on the last mini level) - He can be removed by me at any time, he knows this (oh yes he does) some are placed there by judge and not allow to leave with out court permission. The level system is so difficult they have told us that 80% of kinds leave in the second level (out of 5) just due to time 9 to 12 months have gone by and parents feel good thing have been done so time to come home, or insurance says no more and they discharge the kids. - I do support the main focus of the program, I did allot of research of different camps this one seemed the best but of course I had no 3rd party to talk to and get feedback from, IE my complaint they have no real support for parents.


    I think my issues are two fold, one the feeling that, he is my child and I have the responsibility to care for him and bring him up, yes I was loosing it the last year or so I could not handle the disrespect, refusal to do school work or simply go to class, and the getting put out of school 12 to 18 times each school year for stupid junk, funny thing.. I have NEVER heard my kid cuss.... Yet school and even at the camp they tell me that he swears at adults every name you can think of when he is upset. Yet he will not swear in front of me.. never has.

    Sad thing is I have a Brother and he does not like my Son, my Brother and I are very close, (now not talking only because he did not allow his young daughters to come and visit my Son for thanksgiving after he was told that my Son wanted to see his cousins, (they visit our state one time a year only for holiday with my Brother (their Dad) - My Brother does not understand "problem" kids, his daughters are perfect and never get in trouble. - My Brother is like this I believe because of what he saw my Son putting Me through... while I feel like I want to thank him for caring about me, I want him to understand this is my child and I LOVE my child no matter what he does to me, he is still a child and he needs family... You do not have to agree but darn'it support... He of course does not support my wanting my Son home and trying again.

    Then I have a Mom, she is very close to my Son out of 12 Grand kids, my Son is the only one she gets to spend time with and have a part in his life, for a number of different reasons, (other states, one of my siblings is an outcast to us other siblings and we do not talk)

    She does not even support him coming home she knows I need to get myself right first... I do agree I know I need to get back above ground, get back to work and stop sitting at home bored all day missing my Son.

    When my Son was in the middle of all hell last couple of years everyone in my family told me just to take him to DSS and drop him off... So I do not have much of trust in what they have to tell me.

    I also am just having a hard time understanding if the program is the right thing, most of the boys there are really messed up, meaning drugs, drinking, smoking and so on.. my Son never tried anything like this, I also see parents that clearly are glad their son is out of the home and they even do not come to visit when they could to "punish" their Son for something they did. Or they leave early during family day or some do not even show up. My Son told me one time that I come up to visit more than any other parents and that even the boys in his group noticed it.

    Like yesterday when I get the call from them if anything is not good news, this is when I really go into fighting myself about whether to just go and get him or let him suffer there. I am so afraid that he tries to run away again, no matter what I am pulling him out using it as the final straw for safety issues.

    The more I write here now, the more I see I am not doing the wrong thing by getting him help, but I keep going back to my fight for many years since he was a little one, was to get Dr's to do some test, I want to know what is wrong, shoot my Son wants to know what is wrong with him, he has said he wants to be like other kids and does not understand why he can not be.

    My Son has zero friends, (in the real world) easy for him to make friends but they get to know him and leave him, in school he thought acting up was a good thing, he got kids to laugh at him and tell him how brave he was for being this way... I never could get it trough his head that, this was not a good way to find real frineds, at almost 15 years old this child has never one time been invited to a friends birthday party, never spent the night at a friends house... I can count on both hands how many times he has had friends into our home to play video games....

  12. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi David! Welcome to the crowd! I can't say how sorry I am for the pain that you must be experiencing.

    Ditto to what the others said regarding depression. Make an appointment for a psychiatrist and let them know that you believe you're suffering from depression when you make the appointment. You don't want to go on a waiting list!

    As far as "failing your son". Failing your son would have been one of 2 things. Fighting the system so that he could just "slide through" and not take responsibility OR ignoring the problem. You have a lot to be proud of. You took the toughest road that ANY GOOD DAD could take: you sent your son off to a place that might be able to help him. This had to be torturous for you - failing your son would have been you putting your feelings ahead of his well being. You have much to be proud of in the dad department.

    That being said: once your guy gets through his program, he doesn't need to come home to dad sleeping it off on the couch. You need to get some help and start preparing for his arrival. This means that you have to:

    1. set up a support system. You need to have plans for where he will go to school, know what type of therapy you want to have him in, a neuropsychologist scheduled (if not already done at the facility) to determine what his diagnosis should be, and a strong, loving compassionate man who can be a "dad" to him.

    2. have a job. It seems to me that you will feel a lot better about yourself if you have some sort of position that allows you to feel valuable

    3. STOP CUSSING! (that's the Mom in me!) It's not helped you and it's not helped your son. Now knock it off, or you're going to have to put $1.00 in the poor box at church every time you say one! :angel:

    Remember: cussing displays one's ignorance. An intelligent person can express themselves eloquently while swearing in the back of their mind!

    4. Take a step back and look at the decisions you've made. Allowing him to have contact with his mom was compassionate and kind. Don't beat yourself up about the decision unless you have access to a time machine that'll allow you to correct it. Otherwise, learn from your decision and move on.

    If kids came with an instruction manual, and we didn't follow it, then we messed up. But they don't and we didn't so the point is invalid. We're all shooting from the hip - with kids that are different from the rest of the general population!

    Sorry I got so wordy, but you really needed a great group of friends and now you've got one!


  13. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Welcome David.

    This is a great place with so much experience. Support is tremendous. So many have been there done that.

    I am sorry you are hurting.

    Just wanted to greet you.
  14. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Have to add another reply. My son said something to that affect the other night. He said, If someone else could be ME for just ONE day, they would KNOW. He is having the school/teacher/friend struggle.

    Has your son seen a psychiatrist? Has he tried any mood stabilizers?
    My son was on a mood stabilizer for several years. I honestly believe it did wonders. We are only three months off, after 3 years. Many medications are trial and error. One may work for the same symptoms for someone else, and not work for you. There are many medications out there to help.
    You Too.
  15. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    David, I'll make a bet with you. Tell your son that if he runs again he will be pulled from the camp. I'm willing to bet he will run within an hour of his hearing that.

    So far as you know, your son did not drink or use drugs or smoke. So far as you knew, he did not curse, either. In other words, he may have done more than you think he did. My daughter has confessed things to me that she did when she was 12 and 13 just recently. I would have sworn she would never ever do those type of things. Your son did, however, break into people's home.

    He is basically no better nor worse than the boys in his camp. They are kids on the wrong path. They've done some horrid, stupid things. Some will regret their past behavior and try to change. Some will seriously try to go up in levels. Some will try to just look good but don't really want to try to change. Some are loved, some are resented.

    Your son is lucky -- he is loved tremendously. He also knows how to use this love quite well. I hate to say it, but it sounds like your son knows how to manipulate you quite well. Most of our kids are pros at this. Sometimes, it takes awhile for us to see the manipulation for what it is.

    You've done some wonderful things for your son. You most certainly have not failed as a father. If your son had cancer, would you hesitate to take him to a hospital that has a good track record of helping kids with his form of cancer, even if it meant leaving him there for more than year? You obviously could not cure him of the cancer. Other places couldn't work with this type of cancer. Well, this is the same thing but it is a matter of mental and behavorial issues rather than a physical illness.

    Your son needs more help than you can give him at this time. You researched this place. If you feel they can help your son, leave him there regardless of whether he runs again or not, whether he goes up in levels or not. There is no camp, school, facility that is going to make a loving parent happy. We want our kids home. PERIOD. We took our kids to these places for very good reasons. If, however, you feel they will not be able to help your son, then now is the time to start looking for a different place to send him. Mind you, I did not say bring him home. He needs more help than you can give him at this time.

    As for you, make the necessary appointments to see a therapist and a psychiatrist. Don't do them for you, even though you will benefit as well. Do them because your son needs a father in full control of his faculties. Depression is a nasty disease. It impairs your judgment, causes you to be unable to do much. The longer it persists, the less you can do. It is a physical illness and it can be helped with medication. So, get the medications. You're not talking a lifetime commitment, you're talking getting the seratonin back into your body.

    You need therapy to help you sort through what has happened in your life and in your son's. As much as you love him, it would put you in the sainthood category if you didn't hold some resentment towards him. You've lost a lot because of his behavior -- homes, a job, your brother. Believe it or not, it is okay to resent his behavior and still love him. Ask us -- we've all been there. A good therapist will help you cope with being separated from your son. (I do understand -- I was basically the only adult in my daughter's life since the day I adopted her.) A good therapist will help you plan what steps will be needed when your son comes home. Remember, he will still be the same kid with, hopefully, some tools to help him not act out so much.

    Medication for now for the depression and therapy to help you cope with raising your son will be two of the best gifts you can give your son at this time. You'll be a happier person, a stronger adult and a much better parent. So, if you can't do it for you, do it for him.

    (Sorry, I'm not good at writing short stuff!)
  16. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good Morning David and welcome to the board.

    There are two things that are glaringly apparent to me from reading your posts. The first one is how much you love your son and how much your have struggled to help this boy you love so much. There is no doubt that you have done what you have been able to do.

    The second thing that is apparent is that you yourself must get help before you can truly help your son. You cannot deal with his issues until you get yours under control. Struggling to even wash and get dressed is a huge sign of depression. Drinking is a sign of depression. Crying at commercials is a sign of depression. The feeling of hopelessness that I read between the lines are signs of depression. If you take each on of those things individually, they may not mean a whole lot. But put them together, and they spell trouble for you.

    You have such a strong desire to help your son. If you are unhealthy yourself, you cannot effectively deal with his issues. He needs a father who is as strong mentally as you are emotionally. David, please get yourself an appointment and KEEP it! Look at it as helping your son, not yourself if that helps you move forward.

    What a joy it would be to have a happy, healthy father. You will find, through therapy and probably medications, that you have been in a holding pattern. Kinda like your son - not moving forward but just existing.

    I pray that you are able to find the help you need so that you can help your son. Your love and desire to support and give him the tools of success are so strong. Be just a little bit stronger and give him this gift at Christmas.

  17. 'Chelle

    'Chelle Active Member

    Hi David. As Sharon mentioned, you need to take care of yourself to take care of your son. Right now you see every situation through a fog of depression, and you can't make a good decision on what to do for your son in that way. Taking care of yourself IS taking care of your son. What we deal with with our kids is enough to bring anyone to their knees. I know I spent part of a few sessions with my difficult child's councellor talking about myself and she was happy to do that because as she said, I have to be in a state to deal with my difficult child as well. So make that appointment with a doctor right away, and keep this one. I hope that you can get yourself taken care of, and then you can better see whether this program is right for your son or perhaps another program, another evaluation with a psychiatrist or neurophyschologist might be beneficial.

    And anyone who doesn't have a difficult child just doesn't get it, so your family's reaction doesn't surprise me. They just see it as bad behavior, while we know there's more going on than that. It's sad that many families just don't "get it", my husband's family is one. Maybe they can come around and see that your son doesn't really like what he's done, but he needs more help than regular parenting can do.

    Welcome to the site David. Hope you can find the support you need with us. :flower:
  18. DavidWH

    DavidWH New Member

    I can not express how much I thnak each of you... I have been searching for a place like this for 4 months, funny even though I know what the "right" thing to do is I still need to hear it being said.

    What I have done.. Called a Dr. waiting on a call back for another appointment.

    For the love of God.. today not more than 10 mins ago, I got a call from a job I applied for over 3 weeks ago went to two interviews, thought I lost it for letting them know I must have certain days off for my Son... They just called and said come in tomorrow and start working!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Over a year out of work...

    THANK YOU for your words with out judgement... I do plan on asking more and keeping you guys updated on what happens.

    I did call the camp this AM and told them to talk to the physciatrist (today is his appointment for medication. management) about his views on a Neurophysiological testing...
  19. brandyf

    brandyf New Member

    Congratulations!!!! things are heading in the right direction for you :bravo:

    i have been on this site for a couple of months now, and David let me tell you, these women are here to help. there isnt anything they havent heard of or dealt with. you are very lucky to have found it. i think getting a new job combined with some help for your depression is going to change your views on everything. it'll be like a breath of fresh air.

    again...way to go!!!!!! :xmasdancers:
  20. April

    April New Member


    You aren't alone. God (or whom ever you believe in) has a plan. We may not like or understand it, but it is there. We don't always know what it is. Just remember, if He brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

    Congrats on the new job! Just one more step in the right direction!