Here is my story some advice would really help!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by jgreen03, Dec 28, 2007.

  1. jgreen03

    jgreen03 New Member

    My difficult child is a 17 yo male. I raise him myself until he was twelve when I got married and went on to have two more children. His father has not been a constant in his life. Even as a small child his father would threaten if he didn't listen he would never see him again. My difficult child has always had behavior problems. But as a young child he would be charming and sweet so he would get away with it. As the years went on I had him tested for ADD. One Dr would say he had it and another would say not. Still he has always struggled with school and being able to stay on track. I was hoping that once I got married things would get better and they did for a short period of time and then my son and husband had an argument and husband was trying to get him to come in the house by phycially getting him in there and the neighbors called the police and they instantly took husband to jail. Charges evenually got dropped. However, now his authority had been broken when it came to difficult child. Last year things starting getting really bad realizing difficult child had developed a drug problem. And began stealing and pawning our valuable. He would also disappear for days on end. It was finally resolved well not really he stole the family car and I caught him driving and ended up in a police chase through our neighborhood and evenually caught. I took him and gave him to his father to clean himself up. Well of course that lasted four months and he was back in my house. Things were good for awhile until he had to enroll in the alternative education and of course not shortly after he resumed his old behaviors. husband caught on and with out telling me tried to get him off the weed. We were also trying to home school him Which seemed to be working good and he also got the job he has wanted for a very long time. Working as a lifeguard at the local YMCA. Things seemed to be looking up for him and he also had a new girlfriend. A good choice this time. He was looking into the military and college. And slowly of course things started getting out of control. Stealing five bucks here or there so we let it slide. Most recent incident husband and I woke up to difficult child crawling out of our closet. husband charged after him and was yelling at him. As husband was walking away difficult child punched him in the eye. husband of course called the police and difficult child was arrested. I called his father and of course paid half to get him out. Now difficult child is with his father and telling me I am not allowed to talk to him according to court papers. Which of course states that he have no contact with husband or any of his family. Now I am stuck. All I have ever tried to do is get this kid some help and this is where we keep ending up. If I leave it up to his father he will go no where like him a high school drop working a 100 hours in a kitchen. I want better for difficult child. I just don't know what to do anymore and could use some insight. Thanks for reading.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    At this point in time, I would seriously worry more about his drug use and not about if he drops out of school and works at McDonalds. He can catch up later. He needs to get straight or he won't succeed, no matter how you try to change that. Here's our story: I have a 23 year old daughter who used to abuse drugs from ages 12-19. We took her to therapists, psychiatrists--ack, they didn't get the drug use--they called her bipolar. At that time, we hadn't known she was using more than "a little pot." As time went on she sabataged everything we tried to do to help her, I realized that our "saving" her was NOT working AT ALL. So we decided to use Tough Love (which is what other parents who'd been there recommended). We were fed up and did it. If she'd have ended up in jail, I would have kept her there. I can also almost guarantee you that your son is doing much more than pot. We thought daughter was just smoking pot too...haha. After she cleaned up her act, she told us the whole story. She'd done everything you can imagine--mostly ADHD stimulants (she and her friends would use a pillcrusher on them then snort them alone or with cocaine) and she even tried ecstasy and, yes, HEROIN a few times. I believe what saved her life was kicking her out when we came home (she was eighteen) and found her having a drug party with her pals. That was the final straw for us. She'd been on parole twice, we homeschooled her, she was in the hospital once after she pulled a knife on herself, and she also took our car (what's with the cars) and drove it to another state where it blew up. she was driving fast. Needless to say, we took her license and, in the end, when she had to leave, I didn't know if I'd done the right thing or not and cried my eyes out. But it worked. She really pulled it together when she saw that we sure weren't going to bail her out. She was lucky. Her older brother, a straight arrow, took her in, but he was STRICT. Maybe because she was dealing with her big brother whom she looked up to, maybe because her next step was homelessness, maybe because she decided it was time to straighten out...she got a meager job, walked to it every day, and really cleaned up her act. I think these kids need Tough Love, NOT "oh, I have to save him" because it does NOT work. My daughter has told me "Never trust a drug addict." You can't. Your son has already been in more trouble than my daughter has--I'd never have bailed him out of jail--I would have hoped he learned from it and got help and maybe was put in treatment so he'd be off the street. Your son is almost a man and legal.
    I strongly recommend posting on "Teen and Substance Abuse." I think parents there are more in touch with these sad problems than here, where many still have very young kids. Drug abusing teens are very VERY difficult. At your son's age nobody can stop his self-destruction except himself. And if his Dad doesn't do anything, and he's living there, well, he's still old enough to decide to quit his lifestyle. He isn't going to change in your house until he does make that decision. Personally I'd enjoy the respite from his dangerous behavior. This is a young man out-of-control and, hard as it is to face, the only person who can really help him is himself. I know--been there, done that. (((Hugs)))
  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    MWM is right. As hard as it is, there is a point where the kids are making the call on their future. Their decisions impact their future - just like ours did. It is not a new concept. I just think our generation is determined to make sure our children are happier and more productive than ourselves. It won't always be that way.

    You really have had the ball taken out of your hands. I say let him figure some things out now. He is safe, that you know. If he ends up working somewhere 100 hours a week - that is not the worst thing that can happen.

    The drug use would be my main concern as well - like MWM said. But, I have no experience in that area (fingers crossed I never do! LOL!)

    The teens and substance abuse forum is really a great resource for you.