Here we go again

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by flutterbee, Jan 31, 2009.

  1. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    My mom was here today. As I've mentioned before, my mom and my daughter don't mix. difficult child ended up PO'ed (although, at me this time...I know, shocking) and stormed into her room and slammed the door. My mom went to her room a little later to give her laundry to put away and difficult child shouted that she wasn't going to open the door. No problem. Set the clothes on the floor outside her door and she'll get them when she decides to come out.

    Then my mom says: When easy child locked himself in his room, you took the door off his hinges.

    Mind you, this was 7 years ago when easy child was severely depressed.

    Me: When easy child locked himself in his room, he also barricaded the door, had a knife and was threatening to kill himself.

    You know, the Swiss Army Knife that she bought him AFTER I told her he was depressed and suicidal.

    She just gave me *that* look and turned away.

    To this day, in her mind, easy child was not depressed. He was angry with me because I started dating someone. Even though his depression started months before - right after he came home from a visit with his dad.

    I get so tired of this.

    And now when difficult child does come out of her room, she's going to go on about how mean Nana is to her and she's going to end up locking herself in her room again because I'm not having it.
    Lasted edited by : Feb 14, 2009
  2. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Oh what fun. Deep breaths, it won't last forever. Coffee or wine, whatever works, a nice loooong hooooot bath and you lock the door!!!!

    Good luck! :)
  3. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    She came out and sat on the floor by the fridge. I ignored her.

    When I got up to get dinner out of the oven she starts with "no one cares about me".

    You know, I'm just done. I have had it with her drama and how no one cares and the constant arguing.

    I ignored her. She told me I don't care about her feelings. I told her that it's always about her feelings; it's never about how she treats everyone else or how she never appreciates what anyone does for her. It's always about her feelings.

    She said it's because easy child and I are the problem. I stopped talking.

    Then she does the, "Why do you hate me?" I went on with making dinner. She keeps asking, "Why?" I ignored her.

    Then she got up and said that I'm a horrible mother and she hates me.

    I'm not doing this anymore. I'm not. I'm not bending over backwards, I'm not fighting with her to try to help her with her school work. I'm not fighting for her when she does nothing to help herself and just verbally abuses everyone around her.

    Monday morning I AM re-enrolling her in regular school. She can hate me all she wants.

    by the way, I got up yesterday in excruciating pain, overwhelming fatigue and a god-awful headache, brain fog and nausea (which I ended up going to the ER for later to get a toradol shot - for the headache) just so she could get her lip pierced. I even waited around for her to get ready and stopped to pick up a friend so she could watch.

    And my mom took her back to the piercing place today to get this gadget to make it easier to open the rings in her nose and lip.

    I am so done.

    I need support with this. It is going to be sooooo hard for me to re-enroll her in regular school and she is going to meltdown and rage all over the place. Please, please, please, hold my hand through this. I have to be strong and do it.
    Lasted edited by : Feb 14, 2009
  4. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    WHile I won't undermine another adult, I will also avoid supporting one I feel is in the wrong.

    In this case I would simply say to Wynter (if she brings up the subject of mean Nana), "That is between you and Nana. I can't interfere."

    I remember when I was a kid, and had trouble with a teacher at school. I complained to my mother and got yelled at because you should always respect your teachers and never criticise them.
    Then my mother did eventually go to the school (may have been summoned, I can't remember now). It wasn't easy to get to my school, for my mother. It was over an hour each way by public transport. After my mother met my teacher, again it was reinforced that I had to respect my teacher and do what she said. I was very upset by this because I felt the teacher was being unreasonable. Now, years later, from the point of view of myself as a parent, I still feel that teacher was very much in the wrong. But at the time, I got nowhere asking my mother to understand.

    But years later when I was an adult, my mother reminisced about my idiot teacher and what airs she put on, and what arrogance she had, and so on. So basically, at the time my mtoher DID understand, but she wouldn't admit to it at the time because all adults have to stick together and not lose face in front of a child.

    I strongly believe my mother's approach is wrong. But back then, it was the done thing.

    SInce then, if there's a problem with a teacher and difficult child 3 (or difficult child 3 and another adult) I try and help difficult child 3 see the other adult's point of view or at least get difficult child 3 to be generous in his attitude. However, if the other adult has done the wrong thing, I agree with difficult child 3 and try to help negotiate some sort of resolution. Or if nothing can be resolved, I help difficult child 3 to come to terms with it and move on.
    "OK, that lady was probably wrong to shout at you for not immediately getting up and giving her your seat. Maybe she was having a bad day, maybe her feet were really hurting (which happens to a lot of adults). If you get cranky at her, then you will both be cranky. And why let someone else make you angry? Just know that you're a good person and she doesn't know you well enough to know that. It won't hurt you to stand for a little while, you'll probably get a better view out of the window anyway."

    You say that Wynter was PO'd at you, but you expect her to come out ranting about Nana. So maybe getting mad at you was Wynter's way of staying safer in her anger, because it's easier to vent at your mother than at your grandmother, because Mum understands better.
    In other words, she probably wasn't really mad at you (except maybe for not telling Nana to pull her head in).

  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    You posted before I did, Heather.

    I would get this rubbish too, from easy child 2/difficult child 2. I think you responded the right way, by not engaging. They can escalate all by themselves anyway, without any help from us to make it worse.

  6. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I just can't do this anymore. It's been every day this week. It's been verbal abuse, screaming, slamming, hitting doors and walls - everything but physical assault.

    I'm too sick for this. She needs to get out of the house more. She needs a social life of her own of some kind. She needs friends to talk to. Friends she vent to about me, even. That's what kids do.

    I just can't do this anymore.

    And I'm sitting her sobbing because I'm just so worn down and beat up. I love this child fiercely. But, it's not enough.
  7. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I truly wish I knew what to say to make it better--but I don't have any solutions to offer. Sending you cyber-support instead...

  8. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    ((((HUGS)))) I love how the kids think we hate them as dinner is being made for them, and we're carting them, and friends all over. I think having her in regular school, where she'll have more friends, more of a social life etc... will do her a world of good. She's mad at the world and you're the only one she has to take it out on. When she's busy with friends and activities she won't have idle time to be mad at nothing. Of course nobody wants to see their kids upset. Things can't go on like this, don't back down when you tell she's enrolled, you know she'll rage, but don't back down. It's all being done out of love. Don't be sad, you have a plan. -Alyssa
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry, it is so hard to hear the verbal abuse all the time. I'll be holding your hand on Monday when you are re-enrolling her in school.
  10. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    I'm sending support.

    As hard as it will be to get her to go, at least you will have 7 hours of peace while she is gone.

    Maybe it will make her realize she needs to make some changes, too.

    Good luck on Monday.
  11. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Hugs. The verbal garbage attack is horrible. I agree that you need to get her out of the house, but wow will it be hard. Get a good solid stance, and stick to it. It will be worth it, if just for the peace it gives you. I hope you can develop a good working relationship with the school, in my humble opinion that is so important.
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    The way I look at it, she's going to be mad at you no matter what you do, so you may as well do what YOU want to do. When I started doing that with-my son, it really helped.
    I like the school idea.
    I'm sending support and strength. (And when does mom go home?)
  13. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Thank you, ladies. Really. You have no idea how much your support and strength means.

    My mom went home hours ago - before difficult child came out of her room and everything escalated.

    I wanted to point out that I have repeatedly told both my mom and my daughter that they are both old enough to be responsible for their own relationship. And what my mom said about me not taking her door off, was not said in front of her. difficult child was locked in her room and we were in the kitchen. And, nothing my mom did today - as far as her interaction with difficult child - falls into the category of playing favorites as it sometimes does. If that makes any sense. My mom said the exact same things that I was saying to difficult child. Maybe she shouldn't have gotten involved, but difficult child was also lashing out at my mom for nothing.

    Every time I start to talk about this, I start to cry. I feel like I can't catch my breath. Because I *know* how this is going to play out tomorrow night and Monday.

    However, a friend of mine is going to go with me to the Admin office Monday morning because I doubt difficult child will willingly leave the house with me. Plus, her tutor has offered to go to the school on Monday to talk with them (with difficult child) to help them select class placement. If she's feeling up to it, that is. She has bronchitis right now. If she is able, that will be a huge help to difficult child because difficult child really likes her and enjoys being with her.

    Also, we will be able to keep the tutoring in place in one way or another. She said we will find funding some how. Plus, she has offered to tutor her this summer in Spanish (difficult child has wanted to learn for some time and she will be taking it in HS) for free.

    We really are very blessed.

    I just have to be strong. She is going to cry and beg and plead and make promises, but I have to stick to it. She's made promises about doing her school work before and it's never stuck. Not even for a day. I have to be strong. She needs the social interaction. She needs the structure.
    Lasted edited by : Feb 14, 2009
  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Here's hoping it workd, Heather. I agree, it sounds like enrolling her is exactly the right thing to do. She made a promise she simply didn't/couldn't keep. Here's hoping they can help keep her nose to the academic grindstone, and give you some respite into the bargain.

  15. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    I'm with you, Wynter, you are doing the right thing! Also, I wanted to say that I think by bending over backwards to do stuff for Wynter you only end up feeling resentful because she has no appreciation for it. I have done this myself--it is done out of guilt because the kid seems so miserable and we can't fix it or trying to make up for their miserable lives, etc. but it doesn't work. I think it makes it worse. I think when we quit acting on our feelings of guilt and step up and be strong they and we do much better. I hope this isn't confusing, know what I want to say but am not saying it well.

    Good luck Monday, we are all in your corner!

  16. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    O I agree!

    And I, too, have gone out of my way to do something nice only to have my efforts become the target of my difficult child's rage...

    A perfect example: I used to try and buy difficult child nice clothes. And then whenever she would get mad at me the first thing she would do was detroy all of the clothes that I had given her. Sometimes she would draw on them with permanent marker, sometimes she would cut holes in them, and once she actually put everything in a pile and urinated on it!


    It was awful! She had no appreciation! And I was STILL the meanest Mom in the matter what I tried to get for her.

    Finally, I just started buying all of her clothing at garage sales, thrift shops and Goodwill. Her appreciation was about the same--but it was SO much easier to detach when she destroyed the clothes because I knew that I had spent as little as possible on everything in anticipation of everything being totally ruined.

    I was still the meanest Mom in the world--but at least now I was only out a couple dollars on clothes.

    Hang in there!

  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so very sorry Wynter is putting you through all of this. You are quite right, she and your mom are both old enough to work out the relationship themselves.

    You are also right that she needs other kids to talk to, even to vent about you to. I hope you stay as strong as you can and insist she go to school. She truly does need it.

    Our kids can take so much out of us, and make us feel horrible as no one else can - not even our MOM's can make us feel that inadequate and awful.

    You have to remember that Wynter is old enough to solve many of these problems herself. She truly CAN fix many things she expects you to do for her.

    The way you ignored her while she sat on the floor by the fridge was perfect. Hopefully after you have her in school a while your relationship will improve.

    Remember, WE love you and send TONS of hugs and support. (and some Duct Tape to apply to Wynter's mouth as needed - it is mental duct tape so only YOU know it is there, but it can make you giggle at the mental picture? It worked for me with Wiz. I would just imagine putting a piece over his mouth and how silly he would look with it on. Little mental exercises like this helped ease MY tension and kept me from killing him.)

    Gentle hugs,