Here we go again.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by CrazyinVA, Nov 3, 2009.

  1. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Youngest is pregnant again. By the guy she is engaged to and living with, but has broken up with every 4-6 weeks or so in the past 6 months. He treats her well for the most part, but I think he is financially irresponsible. I know, it could be worse.

    I think she did this deliberately. She has endometriosis, and kept telling me recently that her doctor told her if she wants more kids, she'd better do it soon because as time went on, it would be harder for her to get pregnant. They were not using birth control. WTH?!

    Her due date is next July, right in the middle of my annual beach vacation time. So much for that. Honestly, I wonder if she'll have a miscarriage because of the endo.. and I wouldn't be sorry. There, I said it.

    Yeah, I'm a bit resentful. It's irresponsible, and backwards. She has seizures, endometriosis, and chronic kidney stones. She's in an unstable relationship. She struggles so much just taking care of her 2 year old sometimes.. she's a great mom, but her health ailments, not to mention untreated psychiatric ailments, greatly affect her ability to cope at times .. she is easily overwhelmed.. and guess who is asked to step in and help? She couldn't handle having a DOG when they adopted one, they had to give it back .. and now she'll have a baby? If it were an accident, it'd be one thing.. but I know it's not.

    Sigh. Just wanted to get that out.
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2009
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Oh dear. I'm so sorry. I know you were expecting/dreading this because she'd made so many hints that she was going to try to get pregnant again.

    This is one of those times when we are not happy when they meet their goals. :919Mad:

  3. helpme

    helpme New Member

    My heart goes out to you. It truely does.
    easy child 2 called last night, ironically the night before I had court for
    the domestic battery charge she charged with me with
    (case continued ..)
    and wanted to speak to easy child 3 for 30 seconds. I responded
    that i you want to tell her your pregnant its not gonna happen.
    After listening to her rant, I told her no, I don't think she's
    going to be talking with her sister for a long time.

    I know my time for this is coming. Either from difficult child 1 or easy child 2.
    I hope I am totally detached by then, and also disowned by
    them as their mother. I don't want any part of it.
    There I said it too.

    But oh how your heart must be breaking. Lots of warm hugs,
    patience, and whatever you like to do to relax/cope, I hope
    you get it somehow and someway.
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Forgive me for asking - but what's wrong with ANYTHING that you said?

    Don't beat yourself up over it. I think you are very factual and all the pro-active love in the world can't help a child like the one that will surely be born to parents who already knowingly have strikes against them but just have children out of selfish motivations.

    Then there is the issue with the doctor that says "If you want another child you had better." Who in the blue blazes is he? Moron of the year MD? Ugh.

    I further reinforce your attitude with your statement - "they couldn't even care for a dog and had to give it back. and Who gets stuck in the middle taking care of their child now?" That's just nuts. So she gets pregnant on purpose and YOU feel a twinge of guilt?

    nah - I think what you're feeling is a blast of smarts. There I said that too. However, not with an iota of remorse.

    Maybe now is the perfect time to stand up and say "If you have plans for another child - that's your business, but if you have plans on me watching TWO of your children you had better start looking for a nanny right now because I'm not going to be available except on MY terms and MY time." and lay that foundation NOW. THen stick to it.
  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks, Star, the validation does help. But, don't mistake my venting for guilt. I don't feel guilty. I feel angry, and resentful, and unable to truly give her a piece of my mind right now because it seems.. unloving. I hate to wish a miscarriage on anyone, but in this case, it would be what's best even if it's not a "nice" thing to say. Except that, she might just try again.

    To counter the doctor that said, "if you want..." .. we have a neurologist who reportedly gave Youngest a piece of her MIND yesterday when called about whether or not to take her seizure medications while pregnant. She basically told her it was irresponsible of her to get pregnant, and that people who have babies and have seizures have to plan carefully for them. Now, doctor has no idea this was deliberate, but I'm guessing given Youngest's age and history .. well she figures she wasn't NOT trying. Since the last seizure Youngest had was only a month ago, it may be more dangerous to go off the medications than to stay on them... weighing risks and all that.

    It's not even the helping with the child, per se. I've vented here about her being mad I don't drop everything to watch her son when she wants it, but that's not even the issue. It's her chronic health issues that pop up constantly.. which will worsen when pregnant. When she had a seizure ... I step in to help. When she has kidney stones.. I step in to help. I do so because I know my grandson is probably scared that mommy is sick, and because it's the right thing to do for his sake. It's when these health issues keep coming on because of her lack of attention to her own self-care ... that ticks me off and makes me resentful. Her pregnancy will exacerbate (sp?) all her health issues. Her last pregnancy was a very difficult one, and she was in and out of the hospital. I don't expect this will be any different, if she carries the baby to term. But of course, she didn't think of any of that.

    I just get very tired of dealing with the health problems both my girls have on top of the psychiatric and addiction issues. (Oldest has Crohn's with an ileostomy and a completely messed up immune system. Youngest has endometriosis, kidney stones, asthma, and seizures). I get tired of the fact they don't take care of themselves enough. I don't feel that I can ignore them when they are physically ill, even if it is their "fault" in a way (not that they ahve these diseases/disorders, but that they ignore the triggers). I choose my battles in that area... try to gauge just how sick they are, and decide whether I really need to rearrange my schedule to help out. I no longer jump at any phonecall from the ER, because honestly, I get one at least once every few months. I am just battle-weary. And the thought of waht lies ahead with this pregnancy... and Oldest's inevitable jealousy over it all (oh boy wait till SHE finds out) ... kind of makes me crazy.

    It is what it is. I can't change it. I do plan on talking to Youngest's boyfriend/fiance about stepping up to the plate.. gee I'm so sorry you have to miss work again to help her out .. but this is the life you guys chose. I've done my part there. Unless there is no other way, I'm saving my vacation/sicktime. You use yours.

    So see, as much as I think he's bad for her in some ways, I'm glad there's someone else to take care of her.. I'm tired of it.

    Ahh this post could go on forever lol.. stopping now :)
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Well in any event - I just thought you should know that YOU have people in YOUR corner and I don't or would not think badly of you for posting what you did because I have been following your story/saga and it just jerks a knot in my knickers to think that once again .....(and that's not just for you either) lol.

    Sounds like you are really in control though and for that and for you I'm very glad. Whenever you need to vent? Blow sister....blow. ;)
  7. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    :) I didn't mean to sound like I don't appreciate your comments, because I absolutely do. Thanks.
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911 nah.....not at all. I'm just sayin....We're here. :D

    Where? What? lol? (I'm dealing with the x calling my cell and Dude right now maybe I'm the one that is not appreciative) lol....yup I looked's me. wait - I'm the one that is just nuts....hahah.

    ahhhhhh.....ya know CIV - our kids get us so upside down sometimes - I think I'll just start walking through Walmart wishing everyone Happy Easter and see what it gets me. ;)
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I don't' blame you for your anger. Shes' lucky you'll pitch in for her, even if you don't like it. My mom never would have helped with my kids OR with me if I was sick, ESPECIALLY if I didn't take care of myself. I think you are already going overboard for these grown kids, and you shouldn't feel bad about anything you think or say. (((Hugs)))
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    CIV....Im sorry. Knowing we are having another grandbaby should be a wonderful event. Not something we are in conflict over. Its horrible because we will love the child but we get so darned mad at the parents because they can make such irresponsible decisions to have them.
  11. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You're right, Janet.. it's like another milestone that should be a happy one, that I feel "cheated" over. Oldest's wedding for a marriage I knew wouldn't last (and didn't, ended after 6 months), and now a 2nd baby out of wedlock for Youngest, by a different father. I'm not sure if they'll get married now because then the baby might not be eligible for Medicaid, the father is self-employed and has no health insurance.

    When do I get to celebrate these things like a normal parent? (realizing of course that "normal" is a relative term!) Such is life with a difficult child. It's nice to have a place where other parents get that.

    Oh well. Feeling better about it today, now that I've vented my frustration here and there :)
  12. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Yeah, I know what you mean! People always ask me when I'm going out to visit my dtr and grandson in Seattle. Well, if things were "normal" maybe I would have gone out when he was born. I'm not even sure of his living situation right now. difficult child is renting a room from a friend and her baby is staying with other people because she has mono. We are helping her out with stuff for now while she recovers. I would like to go visit but not under these circumstances--I need to keep my distance. Liam had his 1st birthday last weekend--maybe I'll meet him before he grows up:)

    It is indeed nice to have a place to come where other parents get it!