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Parent Emeritus
He's 26, Homeless, and We Don't Know How To Help
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 665649" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>First of all, hi and welcome!</p><p></p><p>Secondly, for your particvular situation, you would be best to post on the Parent Emeritus forum because it is for adult children 18 and over. This site is largely for minor children.</p><p></p><p>Very quickly, as have to run but didn't want to leave you hanging, you can't fix your stepson and I'd cut off the money. You can't make him change by giving him your retirement, paying his bills or enabling him in any way and you legally can't force him to get mental healthcare or substance abuse treatment (most adult kids who live like this are taking some form of drugs...often we don't know what it is or how much). They often spent the money we send them on drugs.There is plenty of help for the homeless...many food pantries and even meals and places to sleep if they follow the rules, but we can't force them to follow the rules and we can't really do much other than to step back, start to let their lives be their own choices even if they are foolish, and start to live good lives of our own, in spite of our difficult adult children.</p><p></p><p>He is 26. He is old enough to fight for our country, have a four year degree, work full time and make his own decisions in every way, including his lifestyle. Even those who are mentally ill have to take care of it. We can't make them go for help. Legally it's not possible. So the best advice I have, and I wish it were better, is that the money isn't going to do anything except encourage your stepson to keep on living lazy and nomadic, as many of our kids on this forum do. You can only change yourself, not anyone else, even a beloved adult child. He has to decide to change. If he d oesn't, my own advice is to not help him in his lifestyle. Let him figure it out, even if you don't trust him to. Sometimes they do, sometimes they do, but they do know where to go for food and lodging. Often they just don't like to follow the rules so they don't go, such as no drugs or no violent behavior. These are choices I feel we have to let our grown children make. We also have a right to be happy and have a savings account and money left over without forking anything over to them. They are able bodied. They just don't want to work. That's on them to decide how to deal with a life like the one they live. Many do eventually get it. Your son is getting in the "older" area, but he can still decide to change. Nothing YOU do, however, or say, another usual dead end, will inspire him.</p><p></p><p>If your son is taking drugs, I highly recommend Al-Anon. If you don't like Al-Anon, I again suggest therapy for both of you to learn to cope with having a happy life w hile you also have an adult child who is failing and to learn how to detach with love. And how to not feel guilty. This isn't your fault and you should not even listen to him say so (hang up). He is making his own decisions and what happened to him when he was ten or two or fifteen is not an excuse for him guilting you out so that he can get a free ride from you.</p><p></p><p>Wishing you a better tomorrow and the courage to say "no more." Hugs!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 665649, member: 1550"] First of all, hi and welcome! Secondly, for your particvular situation, you would be best to post on the Parent Emeritus forum because it is for adult children 18 and over. This site is largely for minor children. Very quickly, as have to run but didn't want to leave you hanging, you can't fix your stepson and I'd cut off the money. You can't make him change by giving him your retirement, paying his bills or enabling him in any way and you legally can't force him to get mental healthcare or substance abuse treatment (most adult kids who live like this are taking some form of drugs...often we don't know what it is or how much). They often spent the money we send them on drugs.There is plenty of help for the homeless...many food pantries and even meals and places to sleep if they follow the rules, but we can't force them to follow the rules and we can't really do much other than to step back, start to let their lives be their own choices even if they are foolish, and start to live good lives of our own, in spite of our difficult adult children. He is 26. He is old enough to fight for our country, have a four year degree, work full time and make his own decisions in every way, including his lifestyle. Even those who are mentally ill have to take care of it. We can't make them go for help. Legally it's not possible. So the best advice I have, and I wish it were better, is that the money isn't going to do anything except encourage your stepson to keep on living lazy and nomadic, as many of our kids on this forum do. You can only change yourself, not anyone else, even a beloved adult child. He has to decide to change. If he d oesn't, my own advice is to not help him in his lifestyle. Let him figure it out, even if you don't trust him to. Sometimes they do, sometimes they do, but they do know where to go for food and lodging. Often they just don't like to follow the rules so they don't go, such as no drugs or no violent behavior. These are choices I feel we have to let our grown children make. We also have a right to be happy and have a savings account and money left over without forking anything over to them. They are able bodied. They just don't want to work. That's on them to decide how to deal with a life like the one they live. Many do eventually get it. Your son is getting in the "older" area, but he can still decide to change. Nothing YOU do, however, or say, another usual dead end, will inspire him. If your son is taking drugs, I highly recommend Al-Anon. If you don't like Al-Anon, I again suggest therapy for both of you to learn to cope with having a happy life w hile you also have an adult child who is failing and to learn how to detach with love. And how to not feel guilty. This isn't your fault and you should not even listen to him say so (hang up). He is making his own decisions and what happened to him when he was ten or two or fifteen is not an excuse for him guilting you out so that he can get a free ride from you. Wishing you a better tomorrow and the courage to say "no more." Hugs!!! [/QUOTE]
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He's 26, Homeless, and We Don't Know How To Help
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